A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Short question for you all.A male friend of mine is 25.He is dating a 16-year old girl,and they are having sex.I can't help but think it's wrong.Am I totally out of line?? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I think it might be a good thing for you to talk to him about how you felt when you were sixteen. Let him know how different you are now compared to then. Let him connect the dots. Try to emphasize that girls are still kids at sixteen, still in kiddy school, still getting used to the idea of having a period, still growing, etc etc. Otherwise, they might just have a special bond, or maybe she's exceptionally mature..... who knows. In any case, as long as they are careful and he doesn't get her pregnant, if (or maybe it's just a matter of when) they break up, there hasn't been any harm done.... :/
Try not to worry too much. She's making a decision too, and hopefully your friend is the type not to pressure someone...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): It happens OP, some people just go so far outside of your moral grounds and do things that are unacceptable to you. Of course he would say it's not wrong, he obviously doesn't think it is but you were a 16 year old girl not so long ago, you know the level of maturity is exceptionally different to how you are now, regardless of what this girl is like or what she wants from him there is a certain element of him taking of advantage of her which comes with his greater experience in life. He can justify it all he wants no matter what is happening between them there is an element of it being wrong and that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Would he really be okay with his own 16 year old daughter being boned by a 25 year old? Regardless of what he says he wouldn't.
OP when a friend crosses a moral boundary then a wedge is inevitable isn't it?
She's not an adult and he is, that's all there is to it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Hi all.
Thank you for your replies.I wanted opinions from others,as whenever he and I have had discussions on this,he has told me that I am wrong for thinking the way I do.It has driven a wedge between us as friends,which saddens me,as we were really good friends before all this.
Again,thank you everyone for your replies.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 According to your laws, it's legal. With that being said...let's ask this question. If she was not having sex with him, would she with someone else? If so, the only difference would be who's thingy is going into her. If they are seeking a relationship, their may be a difference in maturity, which they will have to find that out themselves. Historically speaking, it was not uncommon for someone that age to marry someone 9+ years older than themselves, so your view of it being wrong may be your conditioning to today's society, rather than the act itself being wrong.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 If it is legal in the United Kingdom, then, whatever we say about it, there is nothing the poster can do.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Well it depends on why he's having sex with her...
if he really is immature enough that she likes him and he really cares about her... it's a bit much but as many has said where you live it's not illegal although here in the USA he would go to jail if her parents pressed charges.
16 may LOOK mature but it's not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 April 2012):
 It is not illegal in the UK. But I think it's just plain wrong in a more moral sense.
Either he's a very immature 25 year old ( quite possible) and can't handle/connect with girls his own age. She can be a mature 16 year old... but that only goes so far.Her brain is far from maturity.
----------------------
Frontal lobe—self-control, judgment, emotional regulation; restructured in teen years.
Corpus callosum—intelligence, consciousness and self-awareness; reaches full maturity in 20’s.
Parietal lobes—integrate auditory, visual, and tactile signals; immature until age 16
Temporal lobes—emotional maturity; still developing after age 16
-------------------------
Or he actually cares for her. If he does, he isn't having sex with her yet..
I don't think you are out of line either. I find it slightly predatory and creepy of him and I don't even know him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): "Am I totally out of line?" No you're not out of line and I have to disagree with person12345 we can't agree with everything our friends do but we have every right to voice our opinions to them too. If they can't accept a difference in opinion or find alternating views offensive then they're not really friends. If it drives a wedge then so be it, that's what happens when you bone kiddies.
I have friends who are serial cheaters and I'm not afraid to let them know how crappy I think that is. If they want me to accept their views then they'll accept mine and they're not afraid to tell me when I step out of line either.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 April 2012):
 It's legal so long as he isn't in a position of authority over her in any way. Sounds pretty creepy, but there isn't exactly anything you can do about it. I wouldn't say anything unless he asks, he won't listen and you'll just drive him away as a friend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): It's not illegal and as long as he's not messing her about there's nothing wrong with it. It's creepy and it will never be anything more than sex but that may be all she wants.
If he's using her for sex knowing full well a relationship with her is impossible but letting her believe he loves her then he's a scumbag.
...............................
A
male
reader, Great or Good  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 The age difference of this two is just 9, and I think it is not bad as long as he is not using her as a sex toy, if he has love to her such age difference i think is perfect.
There is nothing wrong and nothing to worry about here.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 It is legal, but it says something about his level of maturity. If he feels he is compatible with a 16 year old then.. well... maybe a girl is age is just too much for him to handle?
Or, they connect at a personal level and share a deep bond that transcends age.. Take your pick.
But yes, I think this is wrong. He ought to be mature enough to know he shouldn't hump little girls when he's a grown man.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Well according to UK law technically it is legal, because she is 16.
However morally it is a bit wrong, and a bit creepy on his part. I mean what does a 25 year old man have in common with a 16 year old girl?! Presumably she is at school or college, she will be living with her parents still...she's a teenager, and what does a teenager have in common with a grown man?
You would automatically assume that either the 25 year old man is using her for sex, or he has some mental issues that mean he only relates with people much younger than him. But obviously he is your friend, so he can form relationships with people closer to his own age - so that would rule out the mental issues and suggest he is just using her for sex.
Either way, because the UK law makes this legal there is not a lot you can say, and if you tried to tell him you dont approve I'm sure that would push him away and might cause you to lose the friendship. Maybe a word of caution to him would be a good idea - dont tell him that you dont approve, but say something along the lines of you are worried he is with her for the wrong reasons, she is an impressionable teenager and you hope he is not going to mess up here because she is very young.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
