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think they are way too secretive and just honestly don't want them anywhere near each other!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends, Social Media, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 July 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Okay so before me and my bf were dating he had a crush on my best friend but nothing ever happened because he was actually dating someone else. We winded up dating about a yr later.

We were kind of like a trio before our romance started but as time went on and I moved to a different state for work and they stayed in the same city it started to take a huge toll on me. I basically cut their relationship off bc they were way too close for my liking even though they considered each other best friends.

About two years after that my boyfriend causally asked me if he could be friends with her again because he "missed her friendship" I thought oh okay I guess. But immediately regretted it.

They started talking on Snapchat and shit which is SUPER suspicious because the message automatically delete and they're friends on other social networks where they could converse and I could see what they were speaking of. When she comes around he's really like energetic and always talks to her and you know he's just hyper ..

There were also a few times where me and my bf broke up and I found out days later that they were on the phone having conversation. Neither one of them told me about the conversations I found out because I saw it in his phone.

When I bring it up to my friend it gets very awkward. She gets defensive saying things like "I didn't wanna tell you bc I knew you would be mad" or "Idk why you have a problem with us talking when you know we were friends" blah blah blah. The thing that really gets to me is the fact that neither one of them mention it to me when they're having full blown convos like as my best friend why wouldn't you ASK ME if it was okay to give MY BOYFRIEND your number? Idk if I'm being paranoid or not but I've shared my concerns with both of them and they both tell me I'm tripping.

My boyfriend has said to me before "If you think I'm cheating on you with your best friend you need to break up with me or stop being friends with her." And it's not that I do, I think they are way too secretive and just honestly don't want them anywhere near each other. It's exhausting dealing with it to be honest. What should I do?

View related questions: best friend, broke up, crush

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (25 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntDo what he says either break up with him or end your friendship with her before you drive yourself crazy. You should not be in a relationship with someone if you feel the need to tell them who they can and cannot be friends with. It is clear that you are jealous but it does sound like they are just friends, and friends should be allowed to have private conversations, you are his partner it does not mean he belongs to you, or has to share everything with you. Either give him more credit or end things.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 July 2017):

N91 agony auntI'm with anonymous.

Your BF has given you the options that you can choose from, either suck it up, break up or stop hanging out with this 'best friend'.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2017):

I think if he really wanted to date her AND she wanted to be with him too, they'd already have gotten together during the time you were broken up. So at this point there's probably nothing there... though who's to say it's one won't know and don't agonize over the unknown.

I think as a partner, and depending on the level of commitment, I'd be respectful if my partner felt uncomfortable about a situation. And if I were a friend I'd be just as respectful.

I agree you can't control who can be friends with whom, but I think it says something when they insist on continuing with the friendship without at least addressing your concerns or reassuring you so that you ARE comfortable with the situation.

I agree either completely accept it as it is, or break up and don't be friends with her. Me personally I'd pick the latter and find a situation I'm comfortable with, with a partner and friends who care enough about me to address my concerns reasonably.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 July 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony aunt"I basically cut their relationship off bc they were way too close for my liking even though they considered each other best friends" - that's controlling and not your call. Do you know one of the first things abusers do to their victims? Separate them from their friends. Whilst you haven't been abusive, you did use an abusive tactic to get your own way.

MILLIONS of people use Snapchat. Sure, it deletes everything, but it's also a hugely popular way to communicate with everyone.

You saw on his phone that he had spoken to his friend. Let's just recap that: you saw that two best friends had called each other. Wow, that's so suspicious!

She shouldn't *have* to ask you! You don't own your boyfriend and you will sabotage all of your relationships with jealousy. He can talk to whoever he wants and they were best friends, so of course she can have his phone number.

OP, imagine you were in a relationship with a woman. Could that woman not have any female best friends because you get suspicious? That's how silly this is.

If they are cheating, then that would happen with her or anyone else. If they aren't, which they haven't really given you any evidence to believe they are, I wouldn't blame them for keeping secrets from you or even talking about how controlling you are being!

You're being unreasonable and have no right to monitor your boyfriend's friendships, even if they are with women.

If you can't stop *your* behaviour, you need to break up with him and stay single for a while. You also owe them both an apology - they deserve better treatment unless you don't trust him not to cheat on you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think the relationship has come to an end. LDRs rarely working and they definitely don't work when there is a lack of trust and insecurities like this.

THEY were friends BEFORE you two started to date. And then in one swoop, you expected him to not be friends with her or vice verse - I find that rather unreasonable. And since they were friends they should have their conversation on social media so YOU can what? monitor what's being said? Control the conversations? How is that reasonable? Would YOU allow a friend/BF to tell you WHO you can talk to when and what about? That is ridiculous, sorry.

It's not healthy. I think you keep the fact that he HAD a crush on her BEFORE you two dated and that somehow means they shouldn't be friends or talk. UNLESS you are there to monitor them. What are you? Their mom?

I introduced my BEST male friend to my BEST female friend and after about a year or so they started dating. I still hung out with either and both. NEVER was a problem. And yes, he had had a crush on ME ages before this. (so basically I was in your BFF's shoes). It worked FINE for us. When they later BOTH joined the Navy and were on different ships I would hang out with whoever had shore leave. Again, it worked for us. WHY? Because we were friends before anything else and we all TRUSTED each other.

If this makes you exhausted and stressed to deal with maybe you need to accept that this relationship isn't working for you.

I'm sorry I don't think they are doing ANYTHING wrong here.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 July 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntHe's right. You have to give him credit because despite being an idiot, he's given you two great options and both very do-able. He's actually solved your problem for you and has shown you the exit route!

Just do what he says.

You need to break up with him and stop being friends with her. They are both not worth having in your life. Nether is she a good friend and nor is he a good boyfriend.

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