A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm talking to my ex again and things are heading in the right direction. However, I recently inherited a lot of money so my life is going to be very different. I'm planning to travel a lot and I'm not planning to have a "real" job. I just want to spend life enjoying my hobbies and being with loved ones. He's an average office worker which is fine by me. Since I didn't grow up in wealth, I don't expect more than an average relationship with him. I like him just perfectly. However, I don't want to get married. I want to have a wedding and live together one day but I don't want to get married legally. Although that would be something only between us, and perhaps our parents. Divorce rates are high these days and I don't want to have to split everything I own with my ex-husband IF I happen to get a divorce. It's not ideal but I want to do it as insurance. Is it reasonable? How can I talk to him about this without hurting him? I'm almost 22 and he is 26.
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divorce, money, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 I don't see the point in having a wedding but not being married, so yes the idea does seem silly. 'Just a party in fancy clothes' indeed.
Protecting your individuality and your assets IS very reasonable though. As has ben suggested consult professionals to discuss options.
While common law partners don't automatically have all the same legal rights married people do (depending on jurisdiction), you're very much mistaken if you think that they can just part ways after years of living together. Your legal professional will tell you the same thing and some.
Using the opportunity to pursue your hobbies and the things yuo enjoy sonds liike a great idea and you're lucky to have this chance. There is no need or rush to shack up and settle down with anyone. Have fun.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 July 2012):
 I think honestly, it's ridiculous to have a wedding but not be married legally. A Wedding means to be MARRIED LEGALLY and in the eyes of the law and/or God.
If you don't WANT to be married in the legal sense to this guy, then don't do "faking" a wedding is nonsense, it would mean nothing. Just a party in fancy clothes.
If you seriously worry about your financially assets, get a financial manager and make a pre-nup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): In some places, even if you aren't legally married and you live together for a certain period of time you will be "legally" together anyway.
Talk to a lawyer about a prenup agreement and legal ways to protect yourself and your assets.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): A pre-nup can help secure your assets. Please speak to your lawyer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): "Is it reasonable to want to have a wedding but not get legally married?"
Apparently if you are a woman it is reasonable. But men sure get a lot of verbal abuse from women for expressing this preference.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (17 July 2012):
 If you really want to go down that road, I would suggest a pre-nup rather than 'having a ceremony and not actually getting married'. In many cases, even a long-term live-in relationship can be enough to give your partner a claim on your assets in case of a split.
I'd also like to point out that the plan of 'not having a real job' may not be good for you in the long run. Like you, I also stand to inherit money and unlike you, I've grown up wealthy - a 'trust fund baby' as they used to call it.
I still held down a job for several years before starting a small business of my own - girl's gotta be occupied, you know. The discipline and sense of responsibility is essential to enjoying your wealth responsibly.
Get sound financial advice, get in touch with a good lawyer and CPA. Money taints relationships, as I've found out over the years. That's difficult to avoid. But money can also taint your own life if you don't get the beast in hand.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 July 2012):
 In cases of marriage between two people who bring widely different assets "in to" the marriage, it's common for the two to make a pre-nuptial agreement for exactly the reason that you wish to "avoid" or have a "sham" marriage.....
Get advice from a qualified family-matters attorney, and prepare to actually address this issue with your potential hubby PRIOR to making a decision as to how you and he might proceed....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2012):
As you seem very concerned to preserve your fortune, it would be a very good idea for you to consult with an attorney and a financial planner. I believe there are precedents for 'galimony' even if there isn't an official wedding, so you may need legal counsel as to how to protect your financial assets from an ex.
Presumably your guy knows about your inheritance, so it's reasonable to tell him that you had qualified legal and financial advice and they told you to do x, y and z. Nothing personal, just business, you can say.
He's an ex once, there's a pattern developing here, he's more likely to be an ex again. So don't get married and don't even put marriage on the table. Just say you want to commit without the legal formalities. But do consult with that attorney as there is a chance he could come after you for support if you two are together long enough.
I believe a lot of people who come into money suddenly, like lottery winners, for example, wind up bankrupt in a short span of time. I think it's because they spend money without understanding how to protect their principal. If you are spending money on travel and hobbies without a sound financial plan, you may find yourself in a few years' time, scratching your head, wondering what happened to all that money.
Get qualified legal and financial advice right way. THAT will be money well-spent.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 July 2012):
 This sounds like a post I answered once before of someone who inherited a bunch of money and wants to travel. Well anyway...if you are already contemplating divorce, you shouldn't get married. People who want to get married want to share a life with someone. They don't act like it's a hindrance and burden to their personal lifestyle. Yes, it is silly to want a wedding but not get married. If you want to throw a big party for your friends and family, then throw a big party. No one's stopping you. I also like how you say "he's just an average office worker" as if he's so far below you you can barely stand to even mention him. My advice is go travel and do what you want, and let your "average office worker" guy find someone who respects him and really wants to be his partner.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 in many countries not getting married is no guarantee that your assets and finances would be safe if you break up. Seek competent legal advice, you might be better off getting married with a pre nup.
Try to find a reputable financial advisor, who ever handled your inheritance should be able to point you in the right direction, after all, whoever left you your new found wealth trusted them. I am surprised they didn't already suggest financial management or other.
I agree with Abella's suggestion to put it aside for 12 months or longer, rather than making plans straight away. Google "Sudden wealth syndrome" and "Instant wealth problems" to begin some serious research.
And congratulations!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 July 2012):
 You don't love him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him.
And the money you inherited is unlikely to last more than a few years if you don't get some reliable financial advice. And lock away enough to provide you with asecure ongoing income so that you only spend income in future, not the capital. And you still have to put aside enough to pay your Tax on the income or you really will come unstuck.
However even getting advice can be risky. They all want you to sign up to their option that they advise is best one for you. Yet go to five different financial advisers and they will give you five different answers. But what they recommend will often (in fact usually) be the options associated with the companies who pay them to recommend those options.
Do you have a home in your name? Should you consider that even if you rent it out while you travel. Prices will rise again eventually. Right now you can get great bargains in some places.
While other areas are over priced.
But spend most of your money on travel and you will not have enough to buy a home. Then you will have to pay rent to make someone else rich and you poorer.
You can protect your wealth with a proper Pre-nup. before you marry OR live with someone for an extended period of time.
And depending on where you live don't imagine that a determined gold-digger will be put off by the fact that the person is not married to you.
It seems rather pointless to go through a pretence of getting married. Why bother? You would be better to get a legally binding agreement in place even if you choose to live with this guy. To protect your net worth from a more mercenary person than you.
But, when you do meet the ONE your attitude will change.
When a partner is the ONE you would happily live in a tent with that partner. Even if you hardly had dime between you or a hundred million dollars between the two of you.
When someone is the ONE you don't feel complete unless you are with that partner. You trust them utterly (once you know them well enough to know you can)
Everything is not always utterly wonderful when the person is the ONE.
But you still adore each other enough to want to work if out not matter what.
You know the ONE has faults yet you still adore that person. You know sometimes there will be things you will not agree on but all that pales against the genuine truly really like the person as your best most trusted most reliable true friend and lover.
Try to keep it private (betwen you and the Bank Manager)
that you have inherited this money when you are amongst strangers.Or even friends.
Besides the fact that it is Crass to talk about your net worth the other problem is that mercenary people determined
can smell new money from a mile away and will make a beeline for you. Then they will work their magic to work their way into being your New Bestest Bestfriend.
With the aim to work their way into your heart. They will
tell your anything and be anything that they think will appeal to you, just to get their hands on your money,even if you are not married to them.
Put the money on hold for another twelve months. At least. In fact I would say Park the Money for another five years.
Your ideas may be different in five years.
And you will be so disappointed to find you made decisions you now regret.
Certainly you can have a nice reasonable holiday costing no more than $5000.
Then take the time to think things through rationally. Get some impartial advice but do not feel you have to follow any of it yet.
Park the money in a place that gives you a interest rate that is not "Too Good to be True" =Because that is the Best way to lose your money fast to charlatans.
This is a Great Opportunity to learn and money like this can quickly burn a hole in your pocket.
Best wishes
Abella
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