A
male
age
36-40,
*harlie84
writes:Will try to keep this short as I can... Started during summer of 8th-9th grade summer break. Met a girl online in a chat room thinking nothing of it other than friends. We ended up getting deeply, and I mean DEEPLY involved emotionally. Of course being young, which is what I blame it on I guess, broke up a lot and thus she did cheat on me. I forgive her for it now knowing the hardships of the situation and we have never lost contact. We were I guess 'together' for 4.5 years off and on (85% of that time together) and since being together last have never lost contact or lost feelings for one another however they have at times subsided some.She got with another guy in her senior year in HS and got pregnant. My feelings on why they got married is because of a few reasons (also based on what she's told me) : Pregnancy, parents, church influence, feeling it was the only way to rectify the situation, constant pressure from him to do it.I was able to recognize that her relationship was not healthy and talked with her about it. Over time we began to grow closer together like we once were. This went on for roughly a year where we knew the marriage was in the way so we didn't take it too far... Until 7 months ago. We started to become even more deeply connected emotionally than we had ever been. We talked for hours every day, never held back what we thought and we, seemingly, both wanting to be with the other. I put 100% of my emotion and time into the prospect that after we met on September 6th we would take it to the next level.Well we told one another we loved the other then I went to sleep (I work nights), I wake up 6 hours later to a text from her saying it's over and it's the final time she says this... I'm destroyed. It's like taking everything great you've ever felt and ripping it out, stomping all over and walking away. I wrote her two messages basically explaining how connected I felt we were and how I was willing to do anything for her regardless of my personal well being or safety but that if she wanted to work on her marriage I would give her time and space so that she knew exactly what she wants. She almost acted as though it was a CHORE to even tell me if she wanted time or space. (she said she had told her husband everything etc so I really feel this had a major role in how she was reacting/thinking.) She degraded our relationship and basically discredited everything she had told me over the last 4 months in as few words as she could.... Subsequently in a bit of a rage later the next day not knowing what else to do or understanding the situation fully I uploaded some pictures she'd sent me (nude, yes.) and sent them to her husband with a little explaining of everything.While I admit this was an extreme to take, it does not truly reflect who I am. She her self and other who are close friends say that they would've never expected me to do something like this... But yet she feels the need to judge me unconditionally regarding this incident and I feel that's unfair. She has since blocked/deleted all her accounts and even gone to the extreme of changing her phone number and went so far as to say she's scared for her kids well being. She did however say she was very sorry for the way she treated me but has yet to actually really talk with me regarding anything.What am I to do? Do I sit by idle while I wait for her to, if it ever happens, contact me? Do I try and pursue her and plead my case and beg for her to forgive me? No matter what has happened in our past we always gravitated back to one another regardless. We both agree we never felt this way about anybody else before so do I let the true feelings speak for what should happen?I feel so lost and dead inside I don't know what else to do with myself. Sorry again that this is so long, i just felt the whole story was needed to get a true answer to the situation. Thanks to all who reply.
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male
reader, Charlie84 +, writes (20 August 2007):
Charlie84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah in retrospect by stepping back I can see the flaws in my logic of wanting to be with her and everything but my feelings for her have always been greater than for any other woman I've ever met.
When she got pregnant and married I did move on. I always had feelings for her but they had been toned down to a lower friends status. I guess I am just lashing out and trying to hold onto the feelings I had in the past for her etc. since I have been unable to match the connection i had with her in all the relationships since her.
I also contribute my failure to not seeing the fact that she played me for a fool. She used me to make herself feel better and get a little spice in her life that she was lacking. Once he started to look better in her eyes she decided she'd had enough fun with me and cut it off before it got more serious. Cant help but think she is staying in the marriage for all the wrong reasons though so it gets hard to rationalize everything.
Ive talked to several friends and they all say the same as on here, cut her loose. It's not worth wasting myself and time with someone who doesn't mean what they say and in the end trashes me. I know I am better than this and don't deserve to be treated this way. It honestly resembles an abusive relationship always with me on the receiving end. I just wish that my emotions didn't play such a large role in my rationale and thinking towards the whole situation.
A
male
reader, Charlie84 +, writes (20 August 2007):
Charlie84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah in retrospect by stepping back I can see the flaws in my logic of wanting to be with her and everything but my feelings for her have always been greater than for any other woman I've ever met.
When she got pregnant and married I did move on. I always had feelings for her but they had been toned down to a lower friends status. I guess I am just lashing out and trying to hold onto the feelings I had in the past for her etc. since I have been unable to match the connection i had with her in all the relationships since her.
I also contribute my failure to not seeing the fact that she played me for a fool. She used me to make herself feel better and get a little spice in her life that she was lacking. Once he started to look better in her eyes she decided she'd had enough fun with me and cut it off before it got more serious. Cant help but think she is staying in the marriage for all the wrong reasons though so it gets hard to rationalize everything.
Ive talked to several friends and they all say the same as on here, cut her loose. It's not worth wasting myself and time with someone who doesn't mean what they say and in the end trashes me. I know I am better than this and don't deserve to be treated this way. It honestly resembles an abusive relationship always with me on the receiving end. I just wish that my emotions didn't play such a large role in my rationale and thinking towards the whole situation.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (20 August 2007):
Dude, move on. You're just thinking of yourself here. I've seen you give good advice on here and this post honestly looks contrary to what you would tell someone else to do. You knew it was wrong to start getting closer when she is married, but you didn't back off. It confused the crap out of her so she decided it was time to end it.
Then you decided to get revenge in a blind fury with the pictures and in a way, sort of did the right thing because it let the husband know something was going on. I doubt she wants anything to do with you now.
Forget about her. You can't wait. And if you truly love her, you'll do what is best for her and that means backing off for good. Go out, meet other people, hang out with friends. Get your mind off of her. Soon you will realize you don't NEED her. And after a while, you'll find someone else and wonder why you were crying. Otherwise you sit there alone and focus on how much you think you need her and become a big lump of depression crying in the corner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I am sorry to tell you this but you should have moved on a long time ago when she had a child and got married to another man. Look at what you are letting this girl do to you....you are young and have your whole life ahead of you and by everything you wrote you deserve a real woman who will give you 100% of her emotion and time. Don't ever let anyone grab ahold of your life like you are....you need to listen to Tom Likus, seriously. That guy knows what he is talking about. At times he may say some stupid stuff but in the end his moral to the story is dead on. Check him out blowmeuptom.com
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