A
female
age
51-59,
*mjay
writes:Husband acts like my parents don't exist.We've been married 11 years and up until a few years ago my husband made an effort to get along with my parents. Then our marriage got into trouble and we separated for over a year. Since we got back together he acts like my parents don't exist.Husband says he just doesn't see the point in having anything to do with my parents if he feels awkward around them. During our separation he and my parents exchanged some angry words. My parents want to forgive, my husband just wants to forget.He doesn't discourage me from seeing them. He says he doesn't want any part of the family politics, and that he married me, not my family.My parents and I are upset at the situation but they aren't pushing it. How should I deal with it?
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female
reader, emjay +, writes (20 August 2007):
emjay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that it seems like my husband is being childish and stubborn about this. But I don't want to force him to do anything, it will only cause misery and resentment.
He has a very different family background to mine, hasn't spoken to his own mother in 20 years, his father died when he was a kid.
Both my parents are remorseful about the breakdown of the relationship. In particular my mother used to get on well with my husband, enjoyed conversation with him, misses it. They've offered the olive branch on many occasions but my husband has made his mind up.
It started to noticeably go downhill when my husband refused to become a Godparent to one of our nieces. It had been my father's idea (I discovered later) and he was dismayed when my husband didn't want to take part. Husband has his own convictions and I guess he feels my parents don't respect that.
I am torn between respecting my husband's point of view, and my own family values and love for my parents.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 Hi,
It's not up to your parents, it's down to you. He needs to be a full participant in your life, not pick and choose who he will or won't deal with. Your parents had nothing to do with your marriage or separation. The fact that they were angry is simply because they were disappointed and had no control over the loss of there son-in-law. Parents have a vested interest in their children's future and feel frustrated because they have absolutely no say in how things turn out. Even if angry words were exchanged between them, your husband has to realize that they had a right to be angry at the time, because they love you. If he loves you too, he will make the effort, even if he feels sheepish, akward and is still angry. He has an obligation to work things out with them. Whether he like's it or not - He IS family - He is their Son-in-Law. Make VERY sure that your parents really are treating him repectfully. It's up to you insist that your husband join you the next family event, if he won't go - have it at your OWN home in order to force his hand and break the ice. Make sure that you don't side with your parents in front of your husband. You have to present yourselves as a united couple in front of your family - and call ANYONE to task if they try to bad-mouth either your husband or your marriage. There are going to be plenty of future events that are going to include both your husband and your parents. He can't possibly go though the rest of his life avoiding them, he is being unrealistic, stubborn and childish. After the first few events, things should start to smooth over.
I hope that things work out for you, Best of Luck.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (19 August 2007):
It would be nice if he came out and joined your family too, however, and maybe I am just reading into things here, but you said that he was "making an effort" until the separation.
Now that could mean many things. Did he have to try extra hard because your parents didn't like him, or did he just always feel awkward? Please explain the "making an effort" part a little more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): If he really loves and cares for you he will make the effort!! And his comment that he married you and not the family is rubbish when you take that step to marry someone you do to some extent marry their family,that is why your fiance's mum becomes your in law!! He should make an effort, make him realise how this is hurting you and in turn destroying your marriage!!
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