A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I live in a small 2 bedroom condo with my handicapped wife and our two girls, 8 and 5. We run a business out of our home as well. Needless to say, the place is crowded and life for me is restrictive.For years my wife has asked if she could get a dog because the kids really wanted a dog too. I continually told her no. I told her its not that I don't like dogs, but really don't want to have one more responsibility to handle in my life.Last Christmas the doorbell rang at 9am with a note from "Santa Claus" and a Silky Maltese in a cage. My wife had, behind my back, gotten one of her friends to buy a dog and keep it at her place then drop it off Christmas morning.So the kids love the dog. My wife loves the dog. I don't. Under normal circumstances if I had a normal wife who not only could walk but also waited until I actually agreed to such a lifestyle change, I probably would be happy. But I have to now wake up 45 minutes earlier to tell my kid to walk the dog. Nor more sleeping in on weekends. When the dog barks it grates on my nerves. But all that pales in comparison to my feeling that my wife just plain betrayed my trust and did not take my not wanting a dog seriously.No matter what, if the dog goes my kids will be upset. If I go, my kids will be upset. But I am tired of living with a dog I don't want and a wife I don't trust. Is a dog really worth leaving someone over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): Getting a dog without your permission is like adopting a daughter without your permission. If the dog doesn't go, then you should divorce your wife as she isn't a good woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): OP I have Not commented before but just want to say these simple words:Respect: don't ever allow anyone to disrespect you, no matter how much of financial power a person has.Love: if you start loving and actually start liking yourself, no one can steal this from you. In sickness and in health: so she's handicapped. Big deal: this doesn't stop her dominance and arrogance. Just as you have taken care of her during her ill health, she needs to love you, honour you, and respect you. OP I don't care what the critics say: I admire you for taking care of your wife even though you are tormented. I have not walked in your shoes, and I don't know whether I would manage if I had to endure what you do. My mother had numerous strokes. Eventually bed ridden. My brothers AND sisters all took turns caring for her. Brothers had to carry her to the toilet. My sister had to wipe her bum, had to stay with her in the toilet while she did her business. These are just a few examples of what my siblings went through as they comforted, loved and took care of our mother. Where was I? Almost 600 kms away. In another province. Sure I tried to help out when I took time off to visit. Sure I sent money home to help with some financial burdens. BUT what still stays with me is the Unselfish nature of my Siblings. I never walked in their shoes. My mother always "appeared well" when I visited: she never wanted me to see her true illness. My siblings suffered emotionally during her difficult times. They cried, yes cried because she was just so heavy. They endured her temper tantrums, her frustrations, her emotional burdens. They lived for my mother during her illness: their lives were put on a hold. I have the utmost respect and love for my siblings. I cannot even comprehend their personal sacrifices they made. I cannot even begin to understand their feelings during this time. I often wonder whether I would have done even half of what they did: whether I was made of better stuff because it truly does take a remarkable human being to care for an ill/handicapped person. I salute any and all persons who endure this on a daily basis. My respect and heartfelt compassion to any caregiver. OP yes you have major issues and the dog issue is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't want to comment on any allegations but just want to say: you should be proud of yourself that you have assisted your wife. Not everyone does this. Sometimes we all focus on the bad BUT I can see a good man whose soul is being tortured. OP, whatever your future holds for you, start loving yourself again.LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just playing along until I can work my way out. I don't see any other way.
My friends are her friends, and mostly employed by her anyway.
Each of my family members are either nuts or financially unable to assist me.
There are ways out that I am working on right now.
Fighting, negotiating, etc all have been to no avail.
I originally posted this question because in Nov of last year I thought the situation with her was handled. Then the dog came. When that happened, I needed a reality check on how severe this was, or if it was something I should not worry about.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): So let me get this straight:
Your wife has often (not just once or twice) showed complete disregard for your feelings. Getting the dog, without consulting you, knowing it's more work for you because she's disabled, is just the latest.
You of course felt resentful, bitter, upset.
But, she has all the financial power. What she says, goes.
She threatened that if you disagree with her decision then you can leave her. She made this threat knowing full well that you "cannot" leave because she holds all the financial power.
And she is right. you sucked it up and accepted her decision to get the dog.
And then once you stopped trying to stand up for yourself, she started treating you better. Is this actually a good development??
So where does that leave you now?
Does your wife only treat you better IF you go along with her unilateral decisions? So the emotional blackmail is still the basic operating principle of this marriage?
Or have you actually both come to a greater understanding and respect for each other and you honestly feel better about this whole situation rather than just going along to protect yourself?
if you've somehow made real improvements in your relationship with your wife I think that's great. But if you're only just going along for survival, then I think you're just keeping yourself even further entrenched in the very situation that put you at your wits' end and this doesn't seem to be progress at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): The Unhappiness was evident and it had everything to do with the imbalance of the relationship of the marriage. I could even see from the Dogs appearance and the wifes say on it that it was an abusive relationship, in that wife is domineering.
No one can be happy in such a relationship, with such a person. Controlling individuals ARE ABUSERS.
He's better off leaving. And he will when he can.
He'll be far happier earning his way to comfort rather than be some lap dog to anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice, even the harsh criticisms don't bother me too much, actually.
Truth of the matter is, if I told you every last detail of my situation, the post would be so long no one would have time to read it, so I gave facts as their relevance came up.
And truth be told, its so complicated that even the facts don't even appear in my mind all at once, so once I handle one aspect of the problem, another surfaces. Honestly, I think that if I could view the entire situation in every last detail with every last consequence, I wouldn't need to ask for advice.
I am slowly getting things handled. So no need to worry about me anymore, any of you. I should be OK. It will take time to put things into place, but knowing I have an exit strategy gives me some peace of mind.
Peace to all.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
 Dear OP,
I’d like to quote MYSELF from my original reply on March 15th:
“The poor dog. Your poor kids. AND POOR YOU… I get it. And it’s not about the dog.. it’s about the lack of respect your wife shows you and the lack of trust she has now created. The dog is a symptom not the problem.
Even then without all of your information I knew the dog was a symptom.
I went ON to add:
“As to what your wife did… so wrong on so many levels….. She was wrong…But there is something going on that the dog is representing… “
So let me point out that from day ONE I totally KNEW it was not about the dog….
Do you not have any friends you can bunk with till your business takes off. What about getting a paying job to support yourself while you work towards your goal of freedom
My advice to YOU is the same as if it was your wife posting the same words.
I don’t base my advice on gender.
And I never SAID you were not pulling your own weight.. I said my partner felt that he was not pulling his due to lack of employment. The point being, that he actually is. He’s looking for a job in a new (to him) location and it’s hard to find a job in his field without contacts… much like you are feeling emasculated by not having a say in your life, he’s feeling the same way due to lack of fiscal contribution in our home.
MEN in general are very tied to their jobs. Their sense of self and masculinity often comes from the power their job provides… your job provides none.
I personally sir, left a marriage where I was a stay at home mom, with two small children (one disabled) where the partner was very controlling. I had NOT job. I Had NO savings. I had NOTHING but some family to help me. WHERE is your family? WHERE are your friends?
IF you are being emotionally abused (and it sounds like you are).... call and get some help to get out.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2012):
 OP, thank you for the appreciation, but, for the sake of fairness, I have to say that I understand why SVF and Honeypie see the matter the way they see it.
Your update DOES change the way you presented your situation, and the info you omitted where crucial for giving you a sensible answer.
Without the general picture , the " dog behind my back " sounded , yes, like a little tug-of-war for power, but also sounded like an isolated accident , a first in an otherwise functional and functioning marriage. That's why I, and others, told you " No, you don't break a family over a dog ".
But- the dog was just the tip of the iceberg , or the straw which broke the camel's back, and if we don't know that, how can we tell you anything helpful, or at least rational ?
It seems to me that , even if the dog should run away or die ( let's hope not, poor pet ) the problems, big problems, would stay. It 's not your fault - and probably neither your wife's fault- but the power scales are de facto massively tilted in ONE direction; you are totally not fine with that ( while perhaps other people would not feel it so much ) , and also this economical power is not used in a sensitive, generous way, in fact it has become a " my way or the highway " kind of thing.
So , yes, it is a big mess, that goes beyond the dog ( or the choice of what to make for dinner, or any other daily life decision ) and if there's not a mutual good will to compromise and find a solution and a way of living where both parties feel heard and respected- yes, THIS is exactly what you break a marriage over.
Luckily, maybe you have found a way to re-establish a balance- becoming self supporting soon, or at least able to contribute something financially - and hopefully, that will be a solution per se, if the power struggle has not consumed all your mutual feelings. So it may be an all's well that ends well.
Regardless, if you need to ask for advice, even out of Dear Cupid - you'd better tell the whole story at once.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, Honeypie, also, even before I wrote further, the majority of posters already understood that its not really about whether I want a dog, its about my wife asserting dominance over me. You were one of the few who didn't seem to get that, as I look over your original post again.
Once again, I didn't want a dog. She got one anyway without my consent or knowledge. The posters on this forum (mostly) understood that this is about a power struggle and not about the dog.
I never took any of this out on the animal. And I had to eventually cave for several reasons. 1) my kids 2) My wife actually told me when I told her she HAS to re-home the dog that she is keeping the dog no matter what, and if I don't like it, I should leave her. 3) I realized that I have no place to go or no means of support if I do leave her.
My putting my realization of just how powerless I am in my marriage, because my wife not only is emotionally manipulating me but I am also being economically manipulated clarifies the situation for me and anyone who has advised me. Honestly, I really hadn't considered the economic aspect of it until my wife actually told me I should leave if I don't want the dog.
As far as loving her, do you think I would have put up with this as long as I did if I didn't have feelings for her? Do you realize just how hurt I am that my wife wants the dog so badly that she would actually tell me to leave? Then realizing that I couldn't even do that if I wanted to? This is a mess! So, no, maybe all of my thoughts on the matter aren't completely above-board, this is a stressful situation, and in stressful situations people do make mistakes.
Not about the dog itself. Its just a symptom. I have advised her NOT to make certain business decisions but she has made them anyway, costing the company tens of thousands of dollars. We make decisions and she unilaterally changes her mind without even informing me. This has been going on a long time and I used to put up with it because I love her, now I do because I see no way out- for now, that is.
Rather than engage a continual power struggle, I found it best that I start a business of my own so that the playing field is more even and my being at her economical mercy is no longer a factor. This is the best course of action for anyone in this situation. If you can't see that, I am sorry. Maybe you can consult some of these other posters for advice on how to give advice. But ultimately, although I have found some comfort and insight from the other posters, I am responsible for solving my own problems. And I believe I have found the best, non-combative and empowering way to do that.
And my being appalled by the attitudes of you and "confused" has nothing to do with you being women. Cindy_Cares gets it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie wrote:
-And by tall tales I meant how you originally laid out your story that it was about getting a dog "behind your back". But the more you write the more of you "true color" bleeds through. It has nothing to do with the dog. It has to do with your wife making choices without you getting a veto.-
OK, so the reductio ad absurdum of what you are saying Honeypie, is that you think my wife SHOULD make decisions without my getting a veto. With that in mind, I do understand your tone.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2012):
 My husband IS handicapped, he's got the "sticker" and the rating from the US Army. If he got a dog, that would be on him, but if by any chance he wasn't able to walk it and so forth, OF COURSE I would do it. He did 3 tours in war zones for me and out children, I think I can suck up any ill feelings and do what needs to be done, because above all I adore my husband. I don't agree with every choice he makes, I'm sure he doesn't agree with all mine, but all in all we know how to communicate and compromise.
Sometimes it is the little things in life that makes a home. For someone being wheelchair bound I can only IMAGINE what kind of joy a dog it.
And by tall tales I meant how you originally laid out your story that it was about getting a dog "behind your back". But the more you write the more of you "true color" bleeds through. It has nothing to do with the dog. It has to do with your wife making choices without you getting a veto.
You come off as petty and vindictive, and you can rage all you want against me or So_Confused. Apparently a woman's view is not what you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I am MORE than pulling my own weight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know something "confused" I wonder, if I were a woman posing this question, I wonder if you and honeypie would feel the same way.
The reason why I didn't put in all the stuff about how she owned everything in the first place is because I kept asking myself why, why do I tolerate all this? And I kept thinking it through and realized that she really does hold all the cards in the relationship, its not just something she intimidated me into believing. And this is far more important than the issue over the dog.
Um, a marriage is based on love of course, and mine started that way. BUT it is also a business relationship. It is an economical arrangement. And since we actually do have a business together, its even more relevant what I wrote.
Imagine:
"My husband who is handicapped and runs a business with me got a dog without my consent. I work the business with him and take care of him and dedicate nearly all my time and effort to him." she posts.
Response "This could be something you leave someone over, its dishonest and underhanded."
"I can't leave him, he owns everything and I will lose my job!!! I can't go until I have something of my own to generate money. Learn from this women!!!"
Would you respond the same way?
And no, I don't want tea and sympathy. I am simply trying to empower myself, and realizing that my lack of empowerment is the real issue. My wife is abusing hers. Get it?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 April 2012):
lies of omission are still lies OP. I gave honeypie her deserved high rating for calling you on the way you presented your story to elicit tea and sympathy.
your anger, perceived emasculation and resentment are palpable.
YOU SAID:
", I think the power struggle will abate when I get myself into a position that I don't need her, and she realizes it.
Men, learn from my mistakes!!!!!"
you see your marriage not as a love but as a business
as a power struggle where you are losing... IMAGINE that a MAN losing to weak WOMAN...
My guy is currently dependent on me and his concern is not a power struggle but that he's not pulling his own weight...
LEARN FROM HIM.... give love and get love.... give hate and resentment and get hate and resentment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie:
What tall tale? Everything I said is true, nothing is contradictory.
What you just posted is not actual advice by any means.
I voted to remove, and I hope other posters follow suit.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2012):
Wow I can't believe I almost felt sorry for you with the first "tall tale " you told. I don't even know what to say, I'm disgusted actually.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe penniless homemaker can get alimony if she decides to leave. My situation is worse in that 1) I am a man and the courts are still slanted toward women getting the money and the kids. 2) I do have a paying job in the company, but of course, in a divorce situation, I would not continue it.
Anyway, I think the power struggle will abate when I get myself into a position that I don't need her, and she realizes it.
Men, learn from my mistakes!!!!!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 April 2012):
Oh so it was not really about the dog to begin with . It was power- or lack of the same. I believe that you are not sponging off her, it still remains that she owns the house , the business, the car, everything, your chances come from her, and if you'd leave her you'd have nowhere to go. Ergo, she is the boss, the one who has all the economical and social clout ( even if she ,hopefully, makes a very discreet , loving use of her " power" ).
It's not really about taking in a little dog, it's about knowing that, should she decide to take in an elephant, there's diddly squat you could do against it- unless you want to jeopardize your own economical survival.
Yes. Uncomfortable position to be in, psychologically disquieting even in the best of marriages , similar to that of the pennyless homemaker married to the affluent guy. Even if the marriage is happy and harmonious, and if the economically stronger party is super-generous and equalitarian.... I think knowing that, in practice, the ultimate decisional power is ALL on one side, must deep down bother the weaker party and erode his/ her sense of self.
Luckily, you have already found the solution, or are on your way to that. Hopefully your own independent business will pick up and prosper soon, and you won't feel the need to assert yourself over any " red herring " like the dog.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne of the main problems with my situation is that my wife owns our business, the house, the car, etc. If I were to leave her, regrettably, there would be nothing for me to go to. While I am an intelligent person, I never graduated college or trained into a particular marketable and provable skill (i.e. doctor, lawyer, accountant, etc). Don't get me wrong on any of this, I do more than my fair share of actual work, so I'm not sponging off her. But my opportunities do come from her.
However, I am working on a business right now that is solely owned and controlled by me. So, at the very least, I am not so dependent on her.
About the dog, I made a sort of "personality change". I told her I accept the dog, and have been basically giving her an attitude that she is right about everything, all the time.
She doesn't know what to do with this!!! And lately, she has been making more and more decisions based on advice that I have been trying to give her for years! And she has been making concessions to me that I haven't even asked for.
We still have the dog. It would be cruel to my children to re-home it. But I don't feel so bad about the dog anymore, and I am managing my wife much better anyway, which is the real issue.
I guess I won by stopping fighting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): "Her think on it was that she just figured I would eventually accept the dog and "see its the best for all concerned". "
Hers is an unacceptable attitude to have in a marriage. This is the epitome of selfishness, and as such is completely counter to what a marriage should be.
A partnership means both people get to have their way about equally. Both people compromise, not just one. where it comes to making major decisions, if there isn't joint agreement, then it's a no-go.
Your wife's attitude is totally selfish. She thinks she knows best and completely disregards your point of view, she invalidates your opinions and needs because she feels her opinion is the only "correct" one.
I suspect that this dog isn't the only time this issue has surfaced in your marriage.... a loving, thoughtful, considerate and caring spouse doesn't suddenly overnight turn into a selfish and inconsiderate one all on account of a dog. rather this is representation of a repeated pattern of behavior and the dog is just the latest manifestation or the biggest one.
this type of behavior of hers is a big red flag for any marriage, but it seems you are already aware of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife, kids and the dog are going to go to my mother in law's house for a week during spring break. I think that would be the perfect time to suggest that they leave the dog with my mother in law when they come back. At least I will get a break.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): As I said in the beginning, do you get time away from home,wife,children,business - time out for yourself - regularly?
I think you need a breather to re-focus to just relax you sound despondant and at the end of your tether and the dog is just one more responsibility to you.
Is there not a relative, her mum maybe, who could come and stay or they go to her, even once every couple of months.
And do you ever have a night off with your wife,to go out and have a meal or see a movie together?
Do you go out for family outings at the weekend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirl: I know of a handicapped single Mom who has custody, and is worse off than my wife. It is true about the laws in the USa
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female
reader, michellematters  +, writes (18 March 2012):
My husband has bipolar . a few years ago he decided he wanted a dog. i dint. he then persisted on researching dogs on the internet. getting g the kids involved. taking them to dogs trust. one day he came home with a dog.i do t mind d the dog but don't feel it gets enough attention as we barely have time to walk her.after months her weeing around the house, he suggested we should take her back. no way i said. you wanted her look after her! She is now a much loved part of the family. i suggest to you that the issue is not the dog. you sound resentful that you are your wife carer and business partner. its hard working and living with a partner i know cos we run a business from home. sometimes there is no escape and no time to just relax on your own. have you anyone that can give you a break. important sure if you talk openly and honestly with your wife she will understand. she probably hates to think of herself as a burden to you. good luck
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 If your wife is handicapped and can barely take care of herself, then I think the logical thing is for you to get custody. If she can't take care of herself alone how would she manage to tale care of two young children on top of taking care of herself? You could always check with a lawyer first though, if you are serious about divorce. Then again you live in USA, and I hear that courts there favour the mother in practically all cases despite circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried further reasoning with my wife on this issue to no avail. Her think on it was that she just figured I would eventually accept the dog and "see its the best for all concerned". I told her that she was imagining things. Bottom line, no matter what kind of person she is, I doubt I would get custody of the children if I left her, and the kids need at least one sane parent in their lives. I am going to have to just tough it out. Thanks for all of your advice, all of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): Hire a dog walker to come in daily or every other day to exercise the dog and clean up the yard. Small dogs can also be trained to use a litterbox like cats, which makes clean up even easier. if the dog gets a lot of exercise it'll probably stop yapping so much. there's the very true saying "a tired dog is a good dog." I hired a dog walker for the first two years after I gave birth because between a new baby and both of us working full time we just didn't have the time to give our young energetic dog as much exercise and mental stimulation he needed to not go crazy. The expense did add up but it was worth it, and cheaper than replacing the furnishings he would undoubtedly have destroyed if he had been bored out of his mind all day. Dogs are members of the family just like kids so you do what you have to do to take care of them even if it means hiring a 'dog nanny' because you're too busy or tired. If you're going to be a long term regular customer they will probably cut you a deal. problem solved as far as how to live with this dog.But you still have the problem of your wife. I agree you can't trust her. She makes it loud and clear that she doesn't see that you're a team, she feels free to act alone and commit you to things you have made clear you don't agree with. yet she expects you to support her in every way, and will make threats to leave you only to back peddle later. Nice.without trust, intimacy will disintegrate. what you have is not a marriage, it's just a living arrangement held together by legal binds and social pressure, and the responsibilities that go with those.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): "Marriage is a life time commitment, you can't just walk out when the going gets tough, "Good advice, but I think it's aimed at the wrong person. You should tell this to the wife who is mistreating her husband (the OP) by going behind his back and breaking his trust with resulting huge repercussions to his life, not to the long-suffering husband who's at the end of his rope turning in desperation to thoughts of divorce or separation to get some respite. But so often, people only give this "marriage is lifetime commitment, you can't just walk away" lecture to the long-suffering spouse who's breaking under the strain because he's the one who wants to leave the marriage (and for good reason - in order to get relief from the mistreatment). Meanwhile, the spouse inflicting the mistreatment can just continue doing whatever the heck they want because the other person has to stay with them so there's no consequences and no need to take personal responsibility.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): Hi
You sound fed up and tired and sound like YOU NEED a break away. Are you doing everything? I guess you actually burning out. I would not do anything rash because i think all you need is some support and help yourself. Is it possible for you and you ALONE to have time out and away from it all. You say your wife can't walk so does this make you your wifes main carer? if so, do you get outside support for respite? Do you have somebody who can take full responsibility for walking the dog other than you? maybe you walking the dog is not a bad idea....class it as a breather for you rather than a chore. I think your wife was not fair making you have another responsibility..however try not to view the dog in this way..mans best friend!!!!!!
IF YOU ARE A FULL TIME CARER for your wife ...these feelings are natural but they are telling you that your on BURNOUT..Time to rest...and arrange outside support and help FOR YOU ABOVE ALL so you can rebuild a good relationship with your wife.
Hope this helps..care work is exhausting and the carer's are often left feeling neglected and taken for granted...all the sympathy goes to the other, when it's actually YOU thats xxxxxx and needs a little help aswell. :)
spunky monkey
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): Talk to your wife...dont listen to randomt people on this website commenting and telling you to end your marriage!
She's your wife, the woman you married because you wanted to spend your life with her!
Marriage is a life time commitment, you can't just walk out when the going gets tough, marriage isn't easy and romantic and sweet all the time like in the movies, it's tough and a lot of hardwork...and involves compromise...I know this, I'm married too!....Ride it out...! Good luck, and I hope you do the right thing:)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): yes this is grounds for ending the marriage, but I hope you can resolve this without it getting to that. if your wife could foist a new family member on you just like that, what will she do next? will she sign away your combined life savings on something that she wants without your knowledge?? will she decide to adopt a child without your consent?? But of course, you are the one who has to do all the work that comes with her decisions because she is physically unable to do it herself and who else is there?so, yes I think this is grounds for ending a marriage, absolutely. it's not about this dog - the poor little thing is just an innocent pawn in the power struggle that is your marriage - it's about your wife living as if she is the only one in this marriage and you're just her servant.What I would do do - and I don't pretend that this is easy by any means - is to simply make arrangements to re-home the dog to a new loving family who has the ability to care for it properly and who do all want it. This is in the dog's best interests, it really is. If you're not able or willing to properly care for it, you will not treat it right or you'll take short cuts to discipline that end up causing more problems. You say the dog is a Maltese terrier - google for Maltese rescue groups or terrier rescue groups in your area and ask them to find a new home for your dog. They will willingly do it because groups like these have as their mission, to make sure that dogs are in loving responsible homes where they will be taken care of, and not in homes where they won't. Do this regardless of what your wife says. it's not her place to stop you because she acted on her own when she got this dog in the first place, so now you have every right to act on your own, and the facts support your side which is that your family is just not able to take care of this dog properly so it's in its best interests to have a chance at being in a new home that will.As for your children - you have to explain to them why re-homing the dog is the right thing to do: First, it's just wrong to get a dog if you're unable to properly take care of it, that's animal neglect. Dogs are high-maintenence especially when they are young. They need a lot of daily exercise and training to be comfortable and be well adjusted and well behaved at home. Dogs who dont' get lots of daily exercise will become destructive at home to release all their pent up energy - they will chew up everything, pee in the house, bark their heads off, or even get aggressive. Under these circumstances you are going to feel even MORE antagonistic towards the dog, not less!! You can't just train a dog "no" if the reason for his misbehavior is that his needs are not being met. That would be mean. it would be like if you were denied sleep so you can't think straight and then told to do a task and then punished for making mistakes. Secondly, your children need to learn that animals are not "things" to be acquired willy-nilly. but this is what your wife taught them by getting the dog without telling you. the right thing to do would have been to make it a family project to decide what kind of dog, and then to go "dog shopping" to meet different dogs and decide TOGETHER which is the right one. But your wife didn't do any of this so she's taught the children that animals are not all that important, they are like buying a new pair of shoes. you have to teach your kids that on the contrary, adopting an animal is VERY important such that if the circumstances are not right it shouldnt' be done.Thirdly, your children need to learn that when people have responsibilities to each other - such as in a family - you have to respect each other's wishes by consulting the other person about things ahead of time. Your wife basically taught your kids that it's perfectly fine to be selfish and just do whatever you want and let it be the other person's problem to suck it up and deal with it. this is a very bad example that she's setting for them, and if you allow this to happen (by indeed just sucking it up and dealing) you're also helping to set a bad example too.I know the kids will be heartbroken to have their little dog taken away from them, but there's far more important lifelong lessons to be learned here. You can teach your kids a valuable lesson about self-less love. It's in the dog's best interests to go to a home that's more capable of meeting its needs. they need to think about what's best for the dog. You can tell them that in future they can get a pet, just not right now but when they are OLDER and can actually do the work themselves of taking care of it. See if any of your friends or neighbors want this dog - it's easier if it goes to someone you already know so you can take your kids over to visit and play with it. Dont' worry, it will be OK, your kids will be upset initially but they'll get over it.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2012):
The poor dog. Your poor kids. AND POOR YOU… I get it. And it’s not about the dog.. it’s about the lack of respect your wife shows you and the lack of trust she has now created. The dog is a symptom not the problem.
That being said I want to address one thing. Dogs are a lot of work…even little dogs that you can housetrain…. (yes you can teach the dog to go on a spot set up just for it to go in the condo if needed) but they also require training and grooming and proper care…. If this dog is not being taken to obedience classes this dog will never learn to behave (and the people who care for the dog have to learn to train it properly it’s more about training the trainer than the dog). You say the dog is yappy…. Well they can teach the dog to HUSH on command… it takes consistent hard work but even little dogs should be taught… basic commands:
1. Sit
2. Down
3. Stay
4. Settle
5. Quiet
All of them are easy to teach but require at least an hour of work PER DAY to practice till they get it.
IF they learn to teach the dog QUIET then the dog will NOT be yappy… I hate yappy dogs… my dogs were taught that after one bark the words “thank you for letting me know someone is at the door” meant SHUT UP… and “that’s enough” for other barking times sent them to their crates to sleep (the crates were their rooms and they went there by choice…. That was always quiet time…. Crate training is not cruel and it’s important for the dog and the family if you are going to keep the dog….
I think sadly you are between a rock and a hard place. The girls are really too young to be responsible enough for them although they can learn… and your wife did not clearly make a good choice and she blindsided you.
Can you guys afford to hire a dog walker for at least the AM walk??? That would solve the immediate problem…..
As to what your wife did… so wrong on so many levels…. And I think that the time for threats is over. I am physically compromised myself (it’s a new permanent injury and I’m still learning to cope) but ONE of the reasons I got rid of my dogs was that I physically could no longer handle them….. and she needed to take that into consideration… that if she can’t be the responsible party she needs to find someone who can be who wants to be. She was wrong. I don’t know if you are willing to end the marriage over her lack of respect for you or if you want to try counseling with her…. But there is something going on that the dog is representing…
I think that couples counseling is indicated here to help you guys figure out why she felt the need to do this to you…. Counseling is mostly about figuring out how to communicate with each other… it does not indicate mental problems….
I wish I had better answers….. but I don’t believe that getting rid of the dog will solve the problem. It’s just going to band-aid the bigger wound.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 March 2012):
Well, the dog is there to stay. I think you need to just accept that and stop fighting it. It came, it's here, it's being loved up, and your wife is creating drama if you threaten to get rid of it. So, lets just accept that the dogs stays and focus on "damage control".
Your kids need to get up earlier and take age appropriate responsibility for the dog. Such as brushing it and feeding it. You and your wife will need to be responsible for discipline and be in charge though, as your kids are too young to take on the full responsibility for a pet.
Adjust the chores and routines of the children to fit the dog. Make a list for example on things that needs to be done daily, or weekly, such as feeding, brushing/health care, walking etc.
The children should walk the dog with you to learn responsibility. The walking shouldn't be on you alone. This dog will stay around for about 10 years, and by that time both your children will become old enough to walk the dog by themselves. So start teaching them how to already now, at least the oldest one.
Be firm on discipline, and the dog can be your "best friend". It wouldn't be wise to alienate yourself from the dog. Like I said, it's going to stick around for the years to come. If you want things to be livable you need a well behaved dog. So be hands on when it comes to the dog, and discipline it well. That way, the dog will become less of a problem and more of a joy to you as well. If you let it roam free without anyone but your children and wife to teach it fun tricks and nothing useful.. well then you'll have a problem-dog that will give you plenty of head aches.
So even if you don't like that the dog is there, don't ignore it or try to have as little as possible to do with it. The more you take responsibility for it, and discipline it, make chores for your children to keep etc, the more PRESENT you are with the dog, the easier it'll become for you.
This is your dog as well now. And just so you know, in case you are unfamiliar with dogs.. they live in packs. They follow the "pack leader" if you've heard that expression. But it is true. They follow and take orders first and foremost from the "leader" of the family. The dog notices the difference in authority between adults and children, and follows the adults. The dogs also notices who is in charge and who is the authority. In your family, I will say that sounds like you... right? You're the highest authority in your family. Which means that this dog will follow you primarily, and do as you want it to. This means that if your wife calls the dog at the same time as you, the dog will come to you, and have it's core loyalty towards you. Ignoring the dog then, when you can have so much power over it, will not be a smart move.
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (15 March 2012):
One more thing...Your kids are way too young to be given significant responsibility for the dog. Yes they can and should be taught to help out with some the dog-care duties like walking, feeding and so on. and it's a great way to teach children about responsibility and kindness to animals. There are many benefits to children for growing up with pets.
But in the end, at their young ages, they are not capable of taking on real responsibility for an animal's life - kids can easily forget to feed the dog, or to not feel like walking him when they would rather be doing something else. Even then, walking the dog is something that kids that young shouldn't be doing alone without adult supervision, since you can't control if external situations will arise that may endanger the kids or dog e.g. neighborhood dogs who are roaming loose could try to start a fight with your dog and handling this situation safely requires education and skill which even many adults don't have (unless they have gone through dog training classes), let alone children. so really, no matter how much your kids may love the dog and promise to take care of him, it really has to be an adult doing most of the work, and this should be explained to your wife too.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (15 March 2012):
What your wife did was appalling, both to you and to the dog. A dog should not be put into a home where he is not wanted.
This is not about the dog. That is just the manifestation of the underlying issues:
1. She knew full well that you were against getting a dog (and for good reason), and yet she went ahead and got one anyway, knowing that it will create more work for you that you have explicitly said (as you have every right to since it would be YOUR work and time) that you don't agree with. This shows disregard for your feelings and disrespect toward you since she essentially made the unilateral decision that YOU will take on more burden.
2. She didn't even have the courtesy to tell you of her plans, instead she went ahead on her own. Adopting a dog is a major lifestyle change (almost like having kids!), it is a major commitment of time and money for the life of the animal which can be 15 years or even more. Thus all the more the fact that she made the unilateral decision on this, is unacceptable.
This is not trivial at all, so don't feel guilty about how upset you are "over a dog." This is a major issue.
You could try communicating more effectively to resolve this issue, if lack of communication was the problem to begin with. For example:
a. maybe your wife does not understand how much pressure you were already under.
b. maybe you don't understand how much it means to her to have a dog - perhaps it's not as frivolous as you think, it could be representative of a more deep seated need.
Maybe your wife needs more education on how serious a commitment dog-ownership is. A dog is not a potted plant or a stuffed toy. You can easily google and find articles on what a major commitment it is to take on a dog, and what dog ownership entails, and ask her to read them.
Aside from that, there are other practical things you can do that can be a compromise, meaning, to make the situation more tolerable but without having to actually resolve your differences and relationship problems fully: you could hire a pet-sitter or dog-walker to exercise and/or clean up after the dog. Pet sitting is a booming industry and I'm sure you'll find no shortage of pet sitters in your area that you can get one for a competitive price. If you do this, get one who is bonded and insured. Another option is doggie daycare - where you drop your dog off in the morning and pick you dog up in the evening. The dog needs *someone* to tend to his needs daily. If it's not you, or anyone else in your family, then hire a professional. If you can financially afford this long-term, this could be the easiest way to compromise.
However, as someone who is an active volunteer in animal welfare groups, including fostering and rehoming dogs from shelters, I can say that I personally (and I'm definitely not alone in this, it's policy in many dog rescue organizations as well) would not allow a dog in my foster care, to go to a new home where he would be a surprise gift , let alone when there is not complete and unanimous support for getting that dog. It is dangerous for the dog's future to be going to a home where some family members dont' want him around or where the family was unprepared for him to join in their lives. Dogs that are given as surprise gifts often end up suffering because they are not well matched to the family and thus their needs are not taken care of - how could the dog be matched to the family, if they were sprung on unsuspecting family members rather than the family choosing the dog based on how well he/she fit their combined household lifestyle?
Thus, my personal recommendation would be that this dog should not stay in your family if you don't want him there and no one else will or can care for him. You don't have to be his owner forever, but as his current owner it's your responsibility to make sure that he will go to a good new home, and not end up in an even worse situation. Therefore, if you are not going to keep him (and that depends on how you handle this issue with your wife) you should contact a local rescue group to make arrangements for him to be re-homed or go into foster care until a new home can be found. Don't relinquish him to the local shelter as most of them will euthanize dogs that are not adopted out within a certain time frame (which can be as quick as a couple of days depending on how overcrowded the shelter is). And whatever you do, don't put an ad in the paper saying "free to a good home" because people who would take dogs for free often will use them for bad purposes (like for dog fighting, as bait for example, or to sell to research labs).
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2012):
Sorry, my mistake. I see that your kid is already walking the dog herself. So, half of the problem is solved. You've only got to teach her to handle her responsibilities, including waking up at an adequate time, and that's after all part of any parent's job- with or without pets.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2012):
No, it's not sensible breaking a marriage over a doggie.
You have been onemanupshipped and you resent that, which is understandable, but think about the kids , I am sure you don't want to deprive them of their beloved dog, and neither of their beloved dad.
Particularly when there are simple solutions.
You say your kids are used to sleep till 9. Well, they can,and must , change habits , starting from now. The older one, in fact, is surely old enough to wake up without dad's nagging. Teach her to set her alarm clock , or do it for her at night if she is forgetful. I don't know where you live and in most places it would be unsafe to let her walk the dog by herself, but that depends, if you live in some quiet suburb or safe residential area, I guess she could at least take the dog out for a few steps in front of the building. A Maltese does not need wild romps in the countryside. Or, there are doggy litters, and even some sorts of disposable doggy diapers that you put on the floor and throw away after the use. I certainly would not recommend that if you had a Newfoundland, but I guess that with a Maltese that would be an option for emergencies .
I realize that the problem is not the handling of the dog but the fact that your wife disrespected your opinion and ignored your wishes, and, that happened, there's no denying it. On the other end, and I am surprised no poster mentioned that yet, a family is not an autocracy , or a patriarchal structure anymore ( hopefully ). It should work more like a democracy, for the wellbeing and happiness of ALL his components. So, unless you were severely allergic to dogs, maybe your staunch no-dog policy was a bit too adamant ? I mean, there 's only one person who's going to be slightly inconvenienced by having a dog, and three persons who instead are crazily happy about it. Perhaps you can handle your annoyance better thinking of how the rest of your family is so happy about the new addition to it- and , if you care, that should sufficiently compensate your discomfort.
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reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 Hunni, is this really all about the dog or is the dog just what has set off this whole lot of anger in you?
You sound like you have the world on your shoulders and trying to juggle home and business with very little help from the family.
Do you ever do anything for yourself? Are you feeling overwhelmed by life? Perhaps you are on the edge of being depressed.
Time to put your foot down and get the kids to take some of the workload off you. Draw up a roster for the dog walking duties, cleaning up after the dog duties, making doggie food etc., If the kids want the dog then they must work for it.
With regard to your wife, you need to explain to her how you are feeling, dont keep things bottled up and it will then only aggrevate the situation. She needs to know that you are battling to cope and need her co-operation in the family unit as well.
Tell her how you felt to find out about the dog when you already have so much to cope with, that you are happy that the kids love the dog BUT they have to take responsibility for the dog as well. Your wife needs to encourage the kids in this respect.
As far as trust goes, this must be discussed, and since you are part of the family, surely any decisions should be made with your knowledge.
Please, before you make any rash decisions, go see a counsellor to talk out some of your feelings, you sound like an amazing husband and father.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 March 2012):
Kinda reminds me of what me and my mom did to my dad when I was a kid. My mom is also handicapped, to the point we have nurses coming over for an hour and a half 5 times a day. She loves animals, I love animals, but my dad didn't.
So after nagging a lot to no avail I found a starved, blind cat sitting by the side of the road one morning, called my mom and she said to take it with me. I did. My dad was furious because of the same reasons you are.
I took full responsibility and took care of the cat, nursed it back to health. That's when my dad started being okay with it. Later I also got a dog (my dad doesn't like those either) but because I assured him I would take care of it, he was okay with it.
So basically I'm wondering: if your kids would take full responsibility for the dog, meaning they get up earlier to walk it, they feed it, etc. would you still be so negative about it? I know it's bad that your wife went behind your back to get it, but if that furry little animal brings so much fun into her life, is it still worth to get upset over?
Also look at it from this side. When you said no and kept saying no, you were forcing your wants onto them. They all wanted that dog except you and because you said no, and if they respected that, that animal would have never gotten there. When they went behind your back they suddenly turned the tables and now you are as unhappy as they were before the dog came. When things are this black and white, isn't it better to seek a compromise?
Also, when a new animal is brought into the household, it's like having a new family member for most. That's why it's so hard for them to let go, because it's like kicking a child out of the house.
If it's about principle, why not talk to both your wife and kids and make a deal? Like for example you're okay with the dog staying IF the kids fully take care of it and you get a genuine apology from your wife for going behind your back, because it's disrespectful and insulting. Also tell her them (yes, your kids too) that you will leave if something like this ever happens again.
My mom and I eventually both apologized to my dad for what we did, and he eventually opened up to the cat and took a liking to it. If you want this to keep working, open up a little. Keeping a grudge, even if you feel you're entirely entitled to it, solves nothing in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Leave her. Not because of the dog but because of the lack of respect for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I know what you mean... I feel the same way, it's not that you don't like dogs or animals but you got your hands full with the children and a wife that cannot walk and she went behind your back getting a dog that you told her in the beginning you did not want a dog knowing the children will get attached... I would talk to the children about selling the dog or let the dog stay at grandmon's house and if that doesn't work then I would let the children know the dog go or I go and maybe the dog can take care of the wife since she's calling the shots regardless of what you say.
The girls needs to take full responsibility of walking, bathing and feeding the dog.
Sounds like you are taking care of your family and no one appreciate you or give you any respect and does not respect your feelings at all and you are the backbone in this family... I think sh's lucky to have a husband to stick by her after being handicapped, she should have told the girls... no!!! your dad say we can't get a dog so case closed because your dad is the head of this household.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Although I understand your feelings- this is my take on this: talk about it with your wife and express your feelings and allow her to explain how she feels and why she did this. Have your children take responsibility to walk the dog- this will be good for them- buy them an alarm clock if they don't have one. When the dog cannot be walked- get a doggy litter and train her to use it- she is a small dog and this is an option. Get some ear plugs for when she barks and you need peace and or train her to bark less. Enjoy the dog and make her a part of your loving family. She should be a part of your family, not be the destruction of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Well, sounds like your wifes made her choice. The dog stays.
Now you have to make a choice,whats more, she has put you in that situation by disregarding your feelings or input totally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Chalice and the rest.
I tell her on a daily basis that I don't want a dog, did not want one, and what she did was sneaky. At one point I did demand that she get rid of the dog, and she called her mother to tell her that she is moving in with her and taking the kids and the dog with her. Then she told me she did not mean it. But she did say that she is never getting rid of the dog.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, you wrote:
BUT I would tell your wife that on week-end SHE is responsible for getting the kids up and walk the dog. SHE made the choice to GET the darn yapper, she need to take the responsibility.
She needs my help to get out of bed and get dressed, so its a moot point. The kids will sleep until 9am on weekends, and have for years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I support you in that in a marriage you must work to make WE decisions and mininmize as much ME decisions as possible. It was underhanded, dishonest of her to go behind your back to get a dog.
I think its time to be upfront about your feelings. You have held a grudge for too long and the stress of it all is getting to you.
The only way to get any problem solving done is to be forthright with how you feel about the whole thing and what you would hope for.
If you want to stay and have more peace and happiness in the home, then yes, I say its pretty much looking like ultimatum time.
In the end, we must work to keep the marriage a number one priority and the dog, is secondary.
I find it amazing that people think that you should not feel how you do. Especially when it requires for you to do more than your fair share of the work.
Also, I say time to enlist the aid of a couples counsellor to get you and Wife to a place where the communication is open and honest and loving once more and rebuild the trust.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2012):
Is a dog really worth leaving someone over?
In my book no. BUT I would tell your wife that on week-end SHE is responsible for getting the kids up and walk the dog. SHE made the choice to GET the darn yapper, she need to take the responsibility.
And please.. don't take it out on the darn thing, it's not his fault your wife got him.
Though I have to ask, HOW does anyone get to sleep in on week-end with two young kids? I have 3 kids 7,9,11 and 6-7 am is the longest I get to sleep in.
A suggestion though... If you feel the house is too crowded take the dog out for a walk, you don't really have to interact much, get some fresh air and out of the house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): That was wrong of her, she must have thought it was 3 against one in favour of it so just went ahead. Maybe she thought you would grow to love it.
Its not your wifes fault she's disabled so can't walk the dog, however, she could make sure the children set their alarm to get up and walk it,though they're a bit young yet to go far with it or alone. They have to take the responsibility for it in some ways,with your wife,as they wanted the dog and you have enough to do.
Do you get a breather, away from home, your own time in the week to go do something you enjoy regularly ?
Have you talked to your wife about how you feel with regard to her just getting the dog,explained you don't trust her? Its not the dog so much as the way it was bought into your home,and a small home plus workplace at that.I can totally see your problem with it.If you cant see your way through this then tell your wife you've reached the end of your tether and are seriously considering walking out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I think you need to have more sympathy for animals. They can be a wonderful addition to a family, if you take the time to understand and connect with them. Honestly, my dad doesn't like animals, but he allowed us to keep our dog because he cared. Pretty soon it grew on him and he's content with animals now. Honestly, there are people that get irritated by people like YOU, who don't have tolerance for animals. It's one thing to be allergic, it's completely another to be irritated by them.
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