A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I accidently kicked my husband in the groin (he was standing behind me) as I was explaining to my older son that it was unacceptable to constantly thump my younger son.My husband suddenly ran and lunged at me with his thick MBT shoes on and kicked me near the groin area as he felt I deserved it for hitting him. Mine was an accident, his was intentional but he cannot see this point view and expects me to accept it. I had to sit for the rest of the evening with an ice-pack as it was agony and I have a massive bruise on the top of my thigh. I am now finding it very difficult to forgive him and am very upset by this incidence as I did not mean to hurt him. All he says is move on. How can I make him see that there is a difference between an accident and an intentional reaction?
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male
reader, Cori Ander +, writes (7 November 2014):
I think his wife got off very lightly. The difference between accident and intentional is this. His wife "says it was an accident" (sure). Women want equality so she got what she deserved. My friends wife did it intentionally and laughed. It was 3 weeks before she came out of hospital. It was ever so strange, for some reason she didn't find that funny. She hasn't done it again though!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): I have kicked my bf in the groin accidentally backwards. I leaned forward, to grab something on the kitchen counter, used by leg behind me to balance but it shot out and got my bf in the nuts. ooops...
he screamed, swore and sulked for a while...and then I made it up to him my apologising etc. then we got on with life.
What he DIDNT do was come after me and kick ME in the groin. As I said, I got the silent treatment, but I was not harmed. Kick this guy int he nuts again, and kick hi out the house too.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 Yes, he is a wife beater. No question about it, he intentionally hit his wife. The question is: is she innocent and is it possible to accidentally raise your foot backward to he height of a persons groin without realizing you did it? If she was demonstrating a kick and forgot to check behind her then that's one thing. But that's not what she said. She's not explained how it happens that she accidentally kicks someone. She must have intentionally kicked, the accident could only have been that she didn't see him behind her. But I still find it odd that someone would just randomly do a back kick while talking to their children. Did he catch her in the middle of her martial arts practice or something?
Also, what is interesting is how the focus is only on her, and her pain, and there is no understanding or recognition of HIS pain after the attack. No mentioning if SHE was wearing shoes, for example. No mentioning if he had to sit with ice and sit all evening. No mentioning if he got a bruise. The story is extremely one sided, which is characteristic of a story where someone deliberately leaves out important information.
But yes, he is a wife beater, and the question isn't if he knows the difference between intent or accident. He does. He knows. The question is if this is a good marriage that this woman should stay in, with all the violence it has. Is it time to leave perhaps and not be in a hostile environment where the children are most likely going to be put through through the exact same experienced as the wife (and husband)?
Men who hit women hit children as well.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 He hit her hard enough to cause a bruise. He hit her in a clunky pair of shoes. She must have gotten away from him when he yelled out in pain. He made the decision to run at her and kick her.
A guy doesn't have to be hit hard to feel great pain in getting hit in the nuts. Anyone who's ever taken a shot to the funny bone knows that it doesn't take being hit hard, only hit right. She could have struck him not hard, but in the right place to zing *the* nerve. There's a special kind of pain when it comes to groin kicks for guys.
The bottom line is...was there a bruise on HIM when she hit him? Did she do it to maliciously cause him pain? Nope.
Now, he hit her hard on purpose, with shoes on, expressly to punish her and cause her pain. He could have yelled at her. He could have screamed "THAT HURTS!". He could have even hit a wall. But at that moment, for him to lunge after the pain hit means he made the choice to strike at her.
Not cool. She didn't mean to hurt him. He meant to hurt her. I don't even begin to see a martyr element, and I read the OP a few times.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): He can't hit you, even if u did this on purpose. He could question then u as being his wife , but he can't strike u back. Men are stronger than woman, they can miscalculate their blows and kill.
He could call your a name being in so much pain, but he just can't strike you. Restrain u , yes, but not hitting you under any circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): I just want to clarify I wasn't justifying him hurting you physically, just saying it could have been as unintentional as you kicking him, if it was a reflex and he's never done anything like that before. I had a discussion with my girlfriend about it this morning and after reading the question and my post she thinks I made myself sound like a wife beater and that I should explain that I've only ever hit a woman once when I was a teenager when she with her friends were attacking me with hurleys and they actually did me some serious damage. That she playfully punches me and we mess fight all the time and I'm not some psycho who flips the lid at the slightest contact.
She also thinks the story is a bit off, that there is too much of a 'martyr' element to it but that you should both apologise to each other and talk it out because she quite simply can't see how any woman doesn't know the effect that kicking a guy in the balls has especially at your age. She gets the impression you did it as an example to your son of why violence is wrong and just didn't mean to hurt him "that" much and that your son now should have learned a valuable lesson from the incident because it went so wrong. She thinks you need to calm down, relax and talk about it. He owes you an apology for hurting you as he's supposed to be your protector but it works both ways and you owe him one too. She thinks that the way you phrased your question seems like an exercise in point scoring, that you're more interested in him seeing his wrong was worse than yours therefore he's worse and needs to understand your point and accept it but she thinks you were both as bad as each other here and you too should apologise for the kick. She thinks you'd be better off not thinking in terms of winning this and making him see your point but for you to discuss it calmly and objectively in terms of trying to understand why he did it and explain why you did it. No one can win in this situation, you've both already lost because it's something that shouldn't have happened and you need to ensure it doesn't happen again. She wants me to stress however that if he's ever done this to you before, or is generally aggressive towards you, then you have more to think about and consider than just this one incident.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 June 2012):
 I agree… I know you can hit a guy in the head with a golf club by accident if he’s standing behind you but how in the world can you move your leg backwards HIGH enough and strong enough to kick a guy in the balls by accident?
Something doesn’t feel right. I’ve accidently kneed my fiancé in the groin now and again (usually during intimate times, I’m very klutzy) and his first reaction may be to raise his hand but even with his temper he doesn’t retaliate that way…
But if you accidently kicked him in the groin (backwards) and then moved far enough away for him to suddenly RUN and lunge…something is NOT right…
If you accidently kicked him in the balls the reaction to hit if it was not preplanned would be instantaneous and you would have been too close for him to RUN and lunge at you… all the hitting and kicking would have been in a split second.
Have you both apologized? Did he sit with you with his ice pack?
IF he refuses to apologize and all he says is ‘move on” I’d move on all right… with my bags out the door… with the children…. As no one is safe in a home with a man that would preplan to hurt the woman he supposedly loves.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 June 2012):
"All he says is move on. How can I make him see that there is a difference between an accident and an intentional reaction?"
You divorce him, that's how. Your husband is now a wife-beater and he sounds very aggressive in general. He's not stupid, retarded, I am sure. You'd have known so when you married him. Any adult person with a functional brain knows the difference between intent and accident.
I am also questioning how this happened, you don't accidentally kick someone as high as their groin when you're standing up normally. Makes me wonder what was actually going on and how on earth you managed to accidentally do that. You'd have to lift your foot pretty high, in a backward kick, and that doesn't sound like something you accidentally just happen to do... Please clarify this.
But never the less, your husband kicked you not because he had a right to, or because he can't know the difference between accident and intent. He kicked you because he felt like it, he wanted to, he is aggressive, and he wanted to hurt you. Revenge perhaps, or just right out power play. Does he often hit you or kick you? This does not sound like the first time it happens, and it does not sound like it'll be the last time either. It is not the normal reaction of a well balanced person to KICK someone even if they have recently been kicked themselves. This response speaks of his mental health and levels of aggression. He sounds unsafe to live with. What next, he'll come up with reasons for why you deserve more physical punishment.
And imagine, he kicked you. Well, kids often do things on accident, or hurt others because they don't fully understand what damage they can cause. Will your husband kick your children as well? Beat them? Punish them physically? I think he will.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 I am scratching my head over this. Normally I am absolutely fierce, fanatical in fact, against physical abuse. To me, once a husband has intentionally kicked his wife in the groin, it would be game over, The End. No matter how many kids you have or how long you have been married. No hitting , no kicking allowed ever- ultimate dealbreaker.
But... the way you tell it, it's a weird story. I am not accusing you of telling lies, but maybe you omitted something, or portrayed it inaccurately ?
To begin with, to show your kids they can't get physical... you do get physical, even if for demostration purposes ? Why ? it defies the purpose .
Then, how can you kick in his groin ( and hard enough to hurt him / make him mad ) a man who is standing BEHIND you ? What were you doing , dancing cancan in reverse ??
and, he did not say anything, he did not yell or get mad, he did not leave you the time to apologize, explain, say it was an accident, give him assistance by putting an ice pack on him or calling a doctor or what not... he just runs, makes an 180 degree turn and lunges at you, KillBill-style ?
And,if he has always been normal, calm and non violent, and out of the blue this is first abusive episode ever... aren't you afraid there's something wrong with him, like, he's going bonkers, and you are only worried about " explaining him the difference " ?...
Strange story, there must be more to it. Maybe you meant to hit him intentionally , but hit harder than you meant, so you said it was a mistake...... and he did not buy it,- or you hit him unintentionally and he thought you did it instead exactly on purpose- otherwise, it just does not make sense !
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 June 2012):
I am scratching my head over this. Normally I am absolutely fierce, fanatical in fact, against physical abuse. To me, once a husband has intentionally kicked his wife in the groin, it would be game over, The End. No matter how many kids you have or how long you have been married. No hitting , no kicking allowed ever- ultimate dealbreaker.
But... the way you tell it, it's a weird story. I am not accusing you of telling lies, but maybe you omitted something, or portrayed it inaccurately ?
To begin with, to show your kids they can't get physical... you do get physical, even if for demostration purposes ? Why ? it defies the purpose .
Then, how can you kick in his groin ( and hard enough to hurt him / make him mad ) a man who is standing BEHIND you ? What were you doing , dancing cancan in reverse ??
and, he did not say anything, he did not yell or get mad, he did not leave you the time to apologize, explain, say it was an accident, give him assistance by putting an ice pack on him or calling a doctor or what not... he just runs, makes an 180 degree turn and lunges at you, KillBill-style ?
And,if he has always been normal, calm and non violent, and out of the blue this is first abusive episode ever... aren't you afraid there's something wrong with him, like, he's going bonkers, and you are only worried about " explaining him the difference " ?...
Strange story, there must be more to it. Maybe you meant to hit him intentionally , but hit harder than you meant, so you said it was a mistake...... and he did not buy it,- or you hit him unintentionally and he thought you did it instead exactly on purpose- otherwise, it just does not make sense !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): IF there has been any previous violence, then exit stage left. The man is an abuser.
HOWEVER... there is some truth in what Cerberus says (I don't necessarily concur with hitting someone 'just' because they hit you first). Something doesn't sound quite right in your story and a sharp blow to a guy's nuts can be excruciatingly painful. I mean, seriously, seriously painful and then ache for hours after and cause long-term fertility issues. It is POSSIBLE that a return kick can be a reflex action to this - you do tend to protect your most vital organs!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 June 2012):
I've spent enough time in martial arts training (Tae Kwon Do)to know that there are non-harming demonstrations when showing a proper and improper technique in self-defense. I know that you were not intentionally trying to hurt your husband.
I'm also very aware of that stupid thumping game that boys play with each other. My poor son spent a miserable afternoon after that game got out of hand on the bus, so I get what you were trying to do with your sons.
Your husband being mad enough to sock you so hard that you bruised up is unacceptable. This is NOT, I repeat *NOT* an example of you hitting him hard and his not hitting back. Guys can take a light hit to the groin, and in just the wrong place can be agony. My cat jumped up on my husband in the wrong place and sent him into a fetal position.
Do you still have that bruise? I wonder if he'd say to move on after getting a picture of it and showing the police? He *hit* you. This wasn't an appropriate response to your failing to pull back your foot enough not to connect with him. This is a short temper and a deliberate act of force used against you for no real provocation.
I would *not* forgive him. You hurt him on accident. He hurt you on purpose. He is not justified. This isn't the whole double standard of women being able to hit men without reprocussion. You didn't set out to hurt him! It was an accident! What if you were juggling, accidently missed a ball, and it hit him in the head? Is he justified in picking up the ball and throwing it as hard as he can at your head in retaliation? That is *exactly* what this is.
The other thing is...I know you didn't hit him hard in the balls, because if you had, he wouldn't have had the ability to run after you and punt you in the groin. If you had maliciously kicked him in the groin, he would have been on the ground for 10 minutes curled up.
Do not forgive him. In fact, tell your family about it. Get a picture of that bruise. Your sons were taught a lesson today alright, and that's that it's okay to lose your temper and hit. That's what your husband did.
To set the record straight, I do NOT agree with the double standard of a woman being able to slap a guy around. No one should hit another person. It's just as wrong for a woman to haul off on a man as it is a man to do that to a woman.
But you did't haul off on him. You misjudged the pullback when you demonstrated to your sons about the "thumping" game. Hopefully when you hurt him, you apologized to your husband and didn't laugh it off or pretend you didn't hurt him.
If it were me and my husband did that to me, I'd have been on the phone with the police immediately. I swore that any man who deliberately hit me would never ever touch me again, not for a hug or anything. I'd end the relationship no matter what. In return, I'd live by the same code, never to hit him or put my hands on him in any way that wasn't loving, no matter how mad I ever got.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): "I accidently kicked my husband in the groin (he was standing behind me) as I was explaining to my older son that it was unacceptable to constantly thump my younger son."
I can't for the life of me figure out how that works. You kicked your leg up backwards as a way to show your son it's not okay to hit people? I really can't picture how you accidentally kick someone in the balls from that position. You have to raise your leg high enough to do that, you'd have to have raised your heel up waist height or did you spin and kick? What were you doing with your leg? Sorry I just find it quite hard to see how it was an accident that you kicked him in the balls. If he was close enough that he got his balls kicked then how did he give you a running kick?
Now I understand the other posters points but an intentional kick in the balls deserves an equal response in my view. I was raised to respond to any kind of violence with violence in return and women don't get a free pass based on their gender. I understand the whole "never hit a woman" thing makes sense to prevent domestic violence but you hit him first, you committed the first act of domestic violence and it just so happened to be a time you were explaining how bad violence is to your son. Sorry OP but it's a hell of a coincidence then that you accidentally kicked your husband in the balls from an unnatural angle while discussing that very topic with your son and then your husband who just so happens to have monster groin kicker boots on went to the other side of the room so he could run and lunge at you. It doesn't add up for me. You see it doesn't add up especially seeing as you barely describe what you did but go into painstaking detail about what he did and there's also this "I did not mean to hurt him." that's the type of thing people generally say when you do something intentionally with an unintended consequence. It sounds like you intentionally kicked him but didn't mean to do it that hard.
Now if like the other posters you are of the school of thought that women can never be hit, regardless of whether they're the aggressor or even in self defence then I don't see how you'll get past this. But I really find it hard to believe he would react this way to an accident, especially the flying through the air kung fu kick you describe. Your husband sounds similar to me, I can't stand being intentionally hit, I lose it every time. I mean you can bump heads with me accidentally, swing your arm in my face while dancing, break my toe by accidentally dropping something heavy on it etc. that's fine; but hit me, even jokingly on purpose and you'll get hit back hard as a reflex. It's not something I can help, I don't even have time to process what happened my body will just react.
You need to talk this out him and not take no for an answer. Maybe I'm completely wrong and you kicked him accidentally you need to know why he responded that way so you can both remedy the situation. If it wasn't a reflex on his part and he really did take his time and run at you, then this guy could be trouble. I have hit people for accidentally hitting once or twice but seeing as it's a reflex response then that was accidental too.
A piece of advice OP, never kick a guy in the balls even jokingly or lightly. Even the most chivalrous of gentlemen can lose their cool with that one.
"How can I make him see that there is a difference between an accident and an intentional reaction?"
Yeah, you see? Strange question. Something's not right with how you're explaining this, something smells fishy here OP. He's a grown man, of course he knows the difference.
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female
reader, citadel  +, writes (15 June 2012):
This can't be the first time he has been abusive.
There is no way this is the first time.
Do you think you should seek outside assistance?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 what an ar****le!
My first reaction was to tell you to move on, move on right out the door.
His logic is flawed, he deliberately kicked you and thinks you should just accept it?
And all this happened whilst you were talking to your child about why it is unacceptable to use violence?
Was this a once off or is he nasty and violent in other ways as well?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Is he one of those guys who needs to win at all costs? Because if he is, then he will never acknowledge he owes anyone an apology.
I guess all you can do is lie in wait for him to screw up and hit him near the groin with a pair of heavy shoes and then say, "sorry, dude, but you'll have to move on."
Did he lie on the ground for awhile after you hit him in the groin? Did you really nail him in the testicles? Or did he just strike back right away?
I'd just stop talking to him for a while. Don't be dramatic beyond that. Just stop making any kind of conversation with him. If he bothers you about that, tell him you're working on 'moving on' but you need some time. Maybe as long as it takes the bruise to heal.
In the meantime, start to think about why it is you are with a man like this. Is this a one time only offense or is there some sort of pattern that is being played out here?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2012):
 So if I accidentally dropped a pot on my husband's toe it would be OK for my husband to hit me? Is that your husband's logic? If so, it's utterly flawed.
He sounds like a first class A-hole and honestly it would worry me what your son might learn from him as far as how men treat women.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 June 2012):
Err, got to be honest - why are you with him?
Seriously, when a guy says to you after hitting you intentionally 'move on', and apart from all else has intentionally hit you, then you're in danger.
And apart from anything else, your son has now seen his father hit his mother.
Basically you're not a victim of DV and your husband is being entirely ruthless about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): your husband did this! its no wonder the children r hitting one another if their father behaves in that way.He sets a terrible example to his sons by doing that and it was extremely disrespectful to you! if he wont see it was wrong then he wont, but make it clear that YOU take it to be intentional violence and wont accept it, honestly i cant understand how a grown man could be so childish, this to me is the action of a child. Unless it would result in more violence, perhaps show him any answers you recieve on here and he will see the bigger picture. if violence is a regular thing tho, you might want to think about leaving him. I spent many years watching my mother suffer a violent marriage and wud not wish it on any woman or man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): You are in a physically abusive relationship. I doubt this is the first time your husband has done something like this. No one does this as an isolated incident. I would advise any woman who is married to a man who would willfully and pre-meditatedly physically assault her, no matter what his 'reasons' are, to leave the marriage. He was not defending himself from an attack, he instead pre-meditatively inflicted violence upon you, his wife. Oh sure he had his 'reasons'. the thing is, any man who believes that there is any reason that makes it valid and acceptable to physically assault his wife, is by definition an abusive husband and you are in an abusive marriage. You are not safe in this household. he is dangerous and who knows what else he might do to you in the future.
If he did this to any other person, he would be arrested and charged with assault. why does he think he can do it to his wife just because you're married?
is this why your older son "constantly thumps" his brother?? because he sees physical violence being enacted among the adults in the house?? Your teaching your son that it's unacceptable, has just been undone by your husband's assault on you. you realize that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Your husband is an abusive jerk!! He could have told you how upset he was IF he thought you were being intentional. Instead he chose to say nothing and instead to physically hit you, causing you very clear injury, probably he injured you more with his intentional kick than you had injured him with your accidental one.
Furthermore, the fact that he automatically assumes that your kick was intentional rather than accidental, is very disturbing. What sort of person doesn't give their spouse the benefit of the doubt on something like this? Has there been a history of physical abuse in your relationship? have either of you ever hit each other intentionally before?
I just find it odd that your husband's automatic assumption is that you were being intentional. And that his response is to dish it back. To me this is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship that goes back further than just this incident (not to mention setting a bad example for the kids), but without more details I don't have any further suggestions on what else to do.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Oh wow, that is extremely immature of your husband, and in my opinion, could be considered abuse. I'm not sure there is anything you can do in order to make him understand the difference, because at his age, he should already know this.
A loving husband would never deliberately do such a thing. But if they did, at the very least, as soon as they realized they injured their wife, they would be on their knees begging for forgiveness. The fact that he is telling you to "move on" indicates that he is showing no remorse, and has a lack of respect for you, as his wife.
I am at a loss for words, the only thing I can suggest to you, is maybe you should take your husbands advice and "move on", as in literally. I mean pack some things and go somewhere else for a while, and re-evaluate your marriage.
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male
reader, Discovery +, writes (15 June 2012):
What. The. Hell? I'd never hit a lady even if she hit me on purpose - I might try to restrain her if I was forced to defend myself but that's the extreme of it.
I don't see how any sane man can see that as an attack and do what he did. Was he perhaps on alcohol, or were you in a fight recently, or doe she have a history of semi-abuse?
Sounds like there must be a lot more to this.
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