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... Send *erspicacious a private message | | | *erspicacious's profile:I'm 39 and live in the north of England.
I have 2 children, a lovely girlfriend (and a less than lovely ex-wife!), and have experienced many of the ups and downs that life throws at us.
If you have want some advice it is usually better to ask on the main site - the link is below.
Some people do like to contact me privately for advice, which is ok and I do try and answer all questions I get that way. But, please remember it may take me time to reply (perhaps a day or two) whereas posting on the main site will hopefully get you some good answers much much quicker! |
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My girlfriend completely overreacted when I couldnt send her money! What should I do in this situation?
Q. Hi viewers. I have this problem. My girlfriend and I are in our relationship for six months and we have had our ups and downs. Until one day last week, she was robbed at knifepoint while she was in the Philippines with her family. When she told me ...
A. 28 August 2009: In light of the additional information you have provided, I would like to draw your attention to the final part of my original answer: You hear so many tales of people being scammed for money especially by 'online girlfriends', that if you don'... (read in full...)
Why would my wife be taking testosterone?
Q. For the past 5 weeks my wife's been getting moody, irritable and fed-up and I've had no idea why. Talking didn't help, she just ranted. I, however, found out why, on a day I had off from work (it was a training course, but I didn't need to att...
A. 27 August 2009: While testosterone is primarily associated with men, females do need and produce it too (although at much different levels to men). Therefore, there are medical situations where a doctor would prescribe testosterone injections for a woman.
As ho... (read in full...)
My girlfriend completely overreacted when I couldnt send her money! What should I do in this situation?
Q. Hi viewers. I have this problem. My girlfriend and I are in our relationship for six months and we have had our ups and downs. Until one day last week, she was robbed at knifepoint while she was in the Philippines with her family. When she told me ...
A. 27 August 2009: It does sound like your girlfriend has over reacted to the situation, but I think you need to be a little understanding as to why she might have done so. Being robbed would have been a terrible experience and left her feeling very vulnerable. She ... (read in full...)
How do you know if a guy just wants you for sex or something more?
Q. Are there any signs that suggest whether a guy wants you for sex or something more? It's a month before I can see him to talk about it face to face (I'd rather not ask by email or on the phone) but I need an idea of where we could be heading before ...
A. 27 August 2009: Sex is just one part of a healthy, loving relationship and other parts should include companionship, romance, support and so on. If someone is just interested in sex then those other aspects of the relationship are going to be lacking complete... (read in full...)
How can I get out of this depressive state?
Q. I am a young lady who has had hardships all my life and they seem never to stop.. from the loss of my mum to my boyfriend for seven years to lack of a job for a year..... though some times problems seem to overwhelm me...i never give up... 1st:...
A. 24 August 2009: Unemployment, bereavement and heart break is enough to cause depression in anyone and with all three combined it's no surprise to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
The theme I sense from what you have written is that you have no outlet for your pain, so... (read in full...)
Am I a repressed homosexual?
Q. Am I gay? For as long as I can remember (I'm 30) I've fantasized about men. Everyday I end up fantasizing about having sex with men or men having sex with each ohter. I watch homosexual porn, shemale and bi stuff and I always get an errection. I ...
A. 24 August 2009: I think one of two things could be the case for you.
The first is that yes, you are a repressed homosexual. Or possibly more accurately, as you have previously had and enjoyed relationships with females, bisexual.
The second possibility is t... (read in full...)
We're getting divorced...so why is she flaunting our wedding pictures on Myspace? Is there more to this?
Q. I'm going through a divorce right now and I'm just confused by what my ex does. It was her decision for the divorce and all that, which leaves me more stunned by her Time and time again she makes her default picture on her myspace,facebook...
A. 24 August 2009: This does seem slightly odd, but you could be looking to deeply into this. I can think of several reasons why she might chose to use these pictures that don't involve you.
For example:
Perhaps she thinks those pictures of her are from the mom... (read in full...)
One on one dinner with a friend of the opposite sex - yay or nay?
Q. I'm in a great relationship where there is a lot of trust between my partner and I. I have many male friends that I hang out with or communicate with on a regular basis and he has female friends too. This is of course fine. But the other night, a...
A. 23 August 2009: If this bothers you then it doesn't really matter what other people think - what you think is far more important! And, I don't think anyone could say you were being unreasonable in feeling bothered by it. It sounds like you are quite relaxed an... (read in full...)
My ex keeps going back and forth between me and his new girlfriend. Should I tell him to get lost and let his girlfriend know he's cheating with me?
Q. ex spends time with me spends 3 to 4 nights a week at my place then he calls and come over we still go places together but then he dissapears and goes to his new girlfriend and wont answer his phone i think he is playing with my heart he dont ...
A. 23 August 2009: Your ex clearly wants to have his cake and eat it, and at the moment you are baking it, icing it and serving it with cream and coffee!
Should you tell him to get lost? Absolutely! He might be playing with your emotions, but he obviously doesn't ... (read in full...)
I cheated on my boyfriend and the guilt is taking over my life
Q. I have guilt that is eating me alive every day, multiple times a day. 5 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years, the man I am sure I want to marry one day. I don't know what got into me but at the time I felt like a different person, I felt ...
A. 22 August 2009: You are facing a difficult decision, and sometimes it helps to see your options written down in a different way. So here they are!
Option 1: Keep quiet and don't tell him. He will stay with you, but every day of your life the guilt and depressi... (read in full...)
Things are changing in our relationship, including our sex life! What can I do?
Q. My Girlfriend and I have been together for around 8 years. Things were great we always had fun together but over time she started taking me for granted. I left her for awhile then came back, I missed her alot. Everything was good for awhile but it ...
A. 22 August 2009: It sounds to me like you have both got yourselves caught in something of a downward spiral. You love each other, but things aren't quite right, which makes you feel worse, which drags things down even more and so on.
When things aren't going we... (read in full...)
What can I do to make my next kiss better?
Q. OMG! so today i had my first real kiss and it ended up being the most awkward thing ever cause i didn't know what i was doing...so for future reference, WHAT DO I DO???? HELP!...
A. 22 August 2009: Congratulations! Your first real kiss is quite a moment!
But, like the first time you do anything, the chances of it being absolutely perfect are pretty low. Feeling awkward and unsure is perfectly normal.
I was about to say "practice makes ... (read in full...)
Is he not happy with me? And if I am this insecure, should I be in the relationship at all?
Q. I'm going to give lots of detail so that I may get a more objective response... My fiancee (B) and I have known eachother for 13 years, but we've only been together for 10 months, engaged for 6. We had tried dating before, but long distance wa...
A. 22 August 2009: One of the big problems with snooping on texts / emails etc, is when you do get to read them you then spend ages trying analyse exactly what so and so meant when they said this and that. You then find any slight reason within the conversation to let ... (read in full...)
I'm having some very serious sleep deprivation issues and could use some advice!
Q. i have delayed sleep syndrome it is hereditary in my family and means that my natural bio clock is from 4 am to 12am, even as a kid i couldn't sleep before this time. i've managed with this at uni and things. but i havent been able to properly...
A. 21 August 2009: There is nothing worse than sleep deprivation, and it can turn into a vicious cycle. You want to sleep so you get anxious because you can't, and because you are anxious you can't sleep!
You say you have tried "routine" which can mean many things. ... (read in full...)
Can this 15 year old girl get this 19 year old boy put in jail?
Q. what will happen to a 19 year old guy, when a 15yeard girl decide to talk to him, but from the website name mocospace,they started to talk, then she give her number to him, then they started texting each other for a little while, then he stop text...
A. 21 August 2009: I, like other users of this site, am not qualified to give legal advice (legal opinion, as you will no doubt see, flow freely but aren't always accurate!). If you find the police are involved then clearly you should speak to a lawyer immediately.
... (read in full...)
Have I lost my virginity? The hymen is so important in my culture and I'm worried I broke it!
Q. sos!! I am Indian girl..i just fingered myself yesterday..n bleeded..have i lost my virginity? is it possible to loose virginity with just using middle finger to masturbate? how deep is the hymen? please help me as hymen is of astronomical imp...
A. 21 August 2009: You lose your virginity by having sexual intercourse with a man, so you are still a virgin. The hymen surrounds the external vaginal opening, so it isn't deep at all. While it can partly cover it, it never does solidly (except in rare cases which... (read in full...)
Falling in love so easily?
Q. why do i fall in love so easily every girl i see i'm thinking she's hot blah blah and if the girl starts checking me out im like falling in love and then i leave and start all over again why?...
A. 19 August 2009: You sound like a normal, healthy, teenage guy to me! The technical answer to your question is testosterone - it's the hormone your body produces that puts hair on your face, lead in your pencil and all the other changes as you have turned into... (read in full...)
He was a great friend. Should I contact him after all this time to offer my condolences.
Q. Before I make a terrible mistake, I thought its best to ask for some advice. Please respond honestly and be blunt if need be. I just need an outsiders perspective. I was with my first love for almost two years. This time last year he broke my heart...
A. 19 August 2009: Send a card and note expressing your condolences - I am sure he will appreciate it at this difficult time for him. I don't think you need to go into any great explanations about what happened - perhaps just include your phone number and tell ... (read in full...)
I want to be with him but I think things just started going too fast and he got scared.
Q. I guess I will start with a little background first....me and my ex had met 9 years ago. We were both young and he was in the military (still active duty). We dated for over a year (6months of that long distanance I had to travel for work) when we ...
A. 19 August 2009: Long distance relationships are prone to having problems, and only work if both people are willing to put in a lot of effort to ensure that they do. One of they key things to agree on is how and when you will communicate and then stick to it. ... (read in full...)
We never do anything together but she just says that I complain too much!
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been together for around a year now, And we are currently on an 8 week holiday from college, And I've only seen her once in 6-7 weeks. And that was only after I spoke to her and told her that we never do anything together...
A. 19 August 2009: Quite naturally you want to enjoy having a social life, and you want to enjoy it with the girl you are dating. If you never get to see each other, spend time together, or even communicate then you have to ask yourself why you are bothering to con... (read in full...)
I'm pregnant and have just found out my boyfriend has another 3 babies on the way!
Q. I'm pregnant by my boyfriend. I told him he wants nothing to do with the child. Found out he has 3 babies on the way. I don't want a abortion because I had one when I was younger. I just turned 30 years old. He's 26 years old. I've been seeing him ...
A. 19 August 2009: Unfortunately, I think you have to accept that he has turned out to be a complete rat. He's had his fun, left a trail of destruction in his wake, and probably moved on to the next unfortunate woman.
Sadly, you are on your own and quite literall... (read in full...)
Is it normal for a 22 year old man to only want a friendship with a 40 year old woman?
Q. Hi I'm 40 and have been divorced with 2 children for 6 years. I have always been on my own, have a good circle of friends, but not dated in that time. I'm friends with a guy at work whose only 22 (and single) he comes out with me and the children...
A. 19 August 2009: What is "normal"? Every relationship is different!
I don't think it's particularly "normal" that a 22 year old guy would want to spend time with a 40 year old woman as friends, or for that matter as partners. After all, most relationships do occur... (read in full...)
My partner keeps having sex with me in my sleep, even if we have had sex before sleeping!
Q. my partner and i have a very active sex life, we have been together 14 years, we still have sex 3-4 times a week, however he goes through phases, of having sex whilst im sleepin, my partner is quite a dominate man, and ive let him be, when i start ...
A. 19 August 2009: This sounds like very selfish behaviour on the part of your partner, and I find it hard to believe that it happens with such regularity without him being aware of it! Actually, I would find it hard to believe it could happen at all without him being ... (read in full...)
My new partner is traumatised from a past relationship and still allows her ex to control her, how do I deal with this?
Q. I am dating a girl who about six months ago come out of a very physically/mentally abusive relationship. They had been married for ten years and the abuse was consistant throughout. They had actually been legally divorced 4 years ago, but reconsiled ...
A. 19 August 2009: We all need time to recover after a relationship breakup, and when that relationship has left someone with serious issues it can take them a long time to do so.
The question you need to be asking firstly is "is she ready for a relation... (read in full...)
I lied to him about my age and now he wants to visit me, what should I do?
Q. Okay, so, I was on a chat room one day, bored out of my mind, telling people I was 17 when I actually, I had just turned 14. Well, me and this guy (he was 17) got talking and exchanged emails. We got to know eachother and I guess he started liking ...
A. 19 August 2009: Unfortunately you don't have an amazing relationship with him. He has an amazing relationship with a 17 year old that may be a little like you but isn't actually you!
I think you know you need to end this relationship but don't want to hurt him... (read in full...)
If you have Chlamydia, how long before you become infertile?
Q. Hi. I recently read that Chlamydia is sometimes a possible cause of infertility. What i want to know though is, how long should one have this silent disease for them to be medically declared infertile?...
A. 18 August 2009: Chlamydia can cause infertility or difficulties in conceiving which is different from saying that chlamydia always causes infertility. Therefore there isn't a time limit in which to get treated to prevent this, and any effect on their fertility ... (read in full...)
How do I let her know that I have some self-respect?
Q. I am a gay girl- I met this other girl about a year ago. We had sex then were planning to go for a date again but it didn't work out until novemeber. We went for a drink and were about to go for a more formal date later, but I wasn't really ...
A. 18 August 2009: I'm never convinced that "demanding an apology" really achieves much. Saying the word 'sorry' is pretty easy, especially if you know that is what the other person wishes to hear, but actually meaning it and intending to not repeat the offending ... (read in full...)
Could my friend be gay?
Q. I have a friend whos is 40 never been attracted to girls but has feelings for a girl now is it possible that she is gay or could she just be feeling like that because they are such close friends. the girl also has feelings for her....
A. 17 August 2009: She wouldn't be the first person who has gone through life considering themselves to be straight only to have their world turned upside down by meeting someone of the same sex that they find themselves attracted to. If two single people have feel... (read in full...)
Dominant and submissive...I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to give him what he needs!
Q. I really need advice. Stat. I am a 33 year old straight woman. I just found out today that my new boyfriend is pretty submissive. I'm submissive too (as in I like a man to be in charge), so that creates issues right there that neither of us ar...
A. 17 August 2009: A relationship is a two way street, and your post strikes me as being all about what you can / can't do for him. An equally important question has to be what can he do for you?
You identify as having a submissive nature, so perhaps that is quite... (read in full...)
An operation has left me infertile, and no one seems to care
Q. I'm writing this out of pain, frustration and sadness. In the last few days I've undergone an operation. The outcome is that its quite likely that I'm infertile. Obviously, this is a big deal, and I don't think it's quite sunk in yet. I'm only...
A. 16 August 2009: It sounds like you are showing many of the symptoms of depression, which is common following surgery. In most cases it improves as the physical symptoms do. In your case you are carrying a large emotional burden as well as physical though.... (read in full...)
My husband keeps suggesting that I find a boyfriend to have sex with. Is this normal in a marriage?
Q. I'm not sure if I am in the minority or not but here goes. I am a sexually frustrated wife. I have been married for over 17 yrs. with kids. My husband has suggested to me over many years that I find a boyfriend that can keep up with me. Is there ...
A. 14 August 2009: It's not the first time I have heard of such things, but it's not exactly what I would call "normal" either. A key question seems to be why are you sexually frustrated? Has he just lost all interest in the bedroom, or is your drive simply hig... (read in full...)
I love her but our circumstances prevent us from being together
Q. This one is long so I will try and be brief. I am a male, 50 years old. I have been married 21 years. My marriage was wonderful the first two years and then suddenly my wife had terrible brain seizures. She was diagnosed initially with schizophren...
A. 14 August 2009: Having read your post my heart goes out to you. And it pains me to realise that my reply will probably offer you no words of comfort. It seems clear that the woman you love should have left her husband a long time ago, and yet has not. The choice ... (read in full...)
I'm not in love with my wife anymore
Q. hello, Ive been married for a few years now and i care for my wife and i love my daughter. But im not in love with my wife, i feel so unhappy and depressed i dont know what to do, my wife loves me and i dont like see her unhappy but im afraid to...
A. 14 August 2009: This may sound like a strange question, but what is love? Is it that thrill, the excitement and the passion when you were first together? If the answer is yes, then the bad news is that doesn't last! After a few years it does go, and is replace... (read in full...)
At what point should you give up?
Q. Everyone goes through heart breaks-it's part of life. Many recover and move on and each takes their own time and healing process. OK that's the theory but in real life, with each heart break comes another layer of protection. Any new relatio...
A. 14 August 2009: Having experienced heartbreak, why would anyone chose to seek out another relationship at all? In many ways our desire for relationships is what defines us as people. We are by nature both social and tribal creatures, and key within that is o... (read in full...)
Is this one of the tsigns of my relationship falling apart?
Q. Hi, guys. I'm an Asian gay man, 37 year old who's been living in the states for 3 years. And my partner is American guy who's 60 year old, divorced and has 4 grown-up children. I posted some question here about my relationship before. It was a...
A. 14 August 2009: One of the joys of a relationship is sharing your lives together, and each others families should be a part of that. Cutting yourself off from that sounds very unhealthy to me.
It is natural to an extent that he should treat his family differen... (read in full...)
How do I tell him he's hurting my feelings without hurting his feelings?
Q. At the end of my current boyfriends last relationship, his ex told him that he had destroyed her life by taking all of her confidence and making her believe she was stupid, which really made him hyper-sensitive about being some kind of ...
A. 13 August 2009: I don't doubt for a moment that he doesn't intend to hurt you, but he does need to develop better "people skills" to avoid doing so.
I would suggest that you need to be a little stronger yourself when you discuss this with him. Of course he isn't... (read in full...)
What is wrong with me? I cannot commit to anything, even my amazing girlfriend!
Q. Hi. I'm 19 years old and i'm completely lost with what im doing with my relationship life. I've been dating a woman who is in my eyes a very unique "one-of-a-kind" person that i admire very much. She doesn't believe in hooking up with people unless ...
A. 13 August 2009: It's tempting to say that you sound like a perfectly normal 19 year old to me!
I suspect if I did say that I wouldn't be wrong, but the last things you say in your post make me think it would be better to hold back slightly from such a pronounc... (read in full...)
I feel I have a right to call the woman's house where my son is staying, and maybe try to get to know her. So why is she so disrespectful to me?
Q. My baby daddy just moved away and he took our son for the summer. All along I thought he was staying with his sister but until recently I found out he was staying with this woman. Everytime I tried to call his sister to talk to my son. Her reply ...
A. 13 August 2009: It sounds like either your ex or his new partner are insecure and worried about your reaction to their relationship. If I had to guess I would say it was more likely to be your ex, but it's impossible to be sure.
From what you have said though i... (read in full...)
Do chicks like red pubic hair?
Q. Okay, I am just wondering, do girls like red pubic hair? I mean, Im 18, just turned legal and want to know does it? I'm a natural red head. Just curious....
A. 13 August 2009: Do girls like chocolate ice cream? Well, some do... some prefer vanilla... and a few just don't like ice cream at all.
In other words, everyone likes different things and there is no "correct" answer!
No matter what colour your hair is, or if y... (read in full...)
Am I pathetic for hoping? Or should I move on?
Q. Hi all, was hoping for some advice or suggestions on my recent break up and whether you think it is completely doomed or whether there's a chance and how i can possibly make the ex b/f come around... Basically i knew this guy for several yrs and ...
A. 13 August 2009: You're not being pathetic - you're upset, confused, broken hearted even. It's a normal reaction and we've all been there!
Of course you want answers and in the perfect world he'd give you them, you'd understand and you'd both move forward.... (read in full...)
He has a hard time keeping it hard!
Q. I'm in a new relationship with this guy, and it been almost 2 mos. He told me that he has a problem keeping it up when it's time for sex. Is it because he been with a transsexual and didn't know that he was after the intercourse happened with them ...
A. 12 August 2009: I'm sure it has nothing to do with being with a transsexual, especially as he says he had problems before anyway!
There could be many reasons why he has this problem, and the first step is for him to consult with his doctor.
In the meantime the... (read in full...)
He's cheated on me for the 2nd time in 16 months! We have a young daughter together. What am I going to do?
Q. A year ago I found out that my partner had been cheating on me. We talked things through and I decided to give the relationship another go, only now 16 months later he is at it again. I had a feeling something was going on but like the last tim...
A. 12 August 2009: I don't think it really matters if he had sex with this woman or not. Going on a date while in a committed relationship with you is completely unacceptable and cheating, so gaining a confession doesn't achieve much. This isn't the first time, so w... (read in full...)
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