A
female
age
41-50,
*oConfused11
writes:I'm going to give lots of detail so that I may get a more objective response...My fiancee (B) and I have known eachother for 13 years, but we've only been together for 10 months, engaged for 6. We had tried dating before, but long distance was difficult and he liked to move- A LOT. We've both lost our fathers in the last two years- which was his reason for coming home from living Europe, my reason for coming across country. We both have ex-fiancees. My ex doesn't know about B because I didn't have the heart to tell him while he was going through chemo. I know my ex still loves me and I was worried what that news would do to him emotionally and he'd fall off the wagon, I still am. B moved to Europe to be with his ex, talks about the time he lived there constantly yet when I asked if he wanted to go back he says he hated it. B claimed that his ex knew about our engagement but I now doubt that. I have trust issues that B knows about. I have been clear that I snoop- texts, Facebook and MySpace (although I don't understand why a 38 yo man needs those...) and he said okay. If there's nothing to hide, why can't I look??The other night he left his email open on my laptop. I don't check his email- don't have the password, but decided to take advantage of the opportunity since he left it open. I found lots of chats between B and his ex since he moved back from Europe, several where he talks of checking tickets back to Europe and whether or not he could stay with her- of course she's agreeable to that. But I found the following chat between B and his ex which took place about three weeks after he and I got engaged.Her: how are things with you? apart from school?Him: good... winter is driving me nuts, but... M opened his restaurantHer: wow m and a restaurantHim: it's hugeHer: hmmmHim: bigger than so-and-soHer: wowHim: a lot of responsibilityHer: sounds like something you wanted to haveHim: right?Her: :-)Him: but I never had the moneyHer: I was asking about you thoughHim: ummmm whatchya wanna know?Her: you know, I like M enopugh, I like you better thoughHim: :-)Her: I don't know anything how are you what's new no bullshit I guess you must be tired living with your momHim: just taking care of Mom, working, fininshing school and waiting for warmer weatherHer: How are things with blah blah (she got my name wrong)Her: blah blah, wasn't it?Him: X things are goodHer: X I'm sorry do you feel good with her?Him: we have known eachother so longHer: do you have a pic of you both? that does not answer my questionHim: sometimes it is hard to cross out of being friends but yes things are good we get along wellHer: are you happy?Him: so far U?Her: I don't know anymore maybe you were right maybe I expect too much Him: everybody does.... so don't be hard on yourself you should expect a lotHer: well, life doesn't give so muchHim: not always noHer: the more you expect the more disappointed you areHim: true still gotta tryHer: so maybe that's itHim: can't settle for lessHer: maybe I have an imaginary idea of a relationship and nothing gets even close and I am not happy cause I'd like to have an impossible thingHim: ditto means I feel/think the same for meHer: maybe we are both stupid thenHim: sends her a picHer: is that M's joint? send me a picture of you and XAm I mistaken, or did he just agree that his current situation is so far from his imagination of a relationship that he's not happy? He obviously doesn't want to talk to her about me, and he sent a pic of his buddy's restaurant when she's asking for a pic of us. Does he still have feelings for her? I worry that he misses his life (with her) in Europe.I don't know if B ever sent her a pic of us. There were no later chats there. Did he delete others? When did he supposedly tell her we were engaged?? There were no emails to/from her... what else is he hiding?He claims that everyone has perceptions of perfection and it's hard to tell an ex how happy you are when they may not be. So you make your situation out to be miserable??Am I overreacting? If I'm this insecure, maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship at all?? Can you say Spinster?Any response is greatly appreciated!!
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engaged, facebook, fiance, his ex, insecure, long distance, money, my ex, myspace, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Today we communicate so much via texts and emails that I sometimes wonder at the confusion it might cause whomever I've texted. I mean I've replied to things b4 quickly and then reread them later and thought ... wow that sounded curt or a little rude and actually I was just responding quickly because I had to drive or something. That said... I think your bf's communication with his ex was quite clear he said he was happy . You may have wanted him to loudly proclaim his love for you and brag about the engagement but... think of the context he is talking to his ex... their relationship didn't work out and her current one is not going well. Him talking as I said above would of been inappropriate. What he did was make it clear that he was happy and agree with her that relationships take work. I do agree with the others that as you get closer to the marriage talking to ex's might be something you should limit. Whilst it is sometimes okay most of the time it is not good to keep a close relationship w an ex because it is so easy to fall into to close a situation . You mentioned that you are coming into some money? Maybe I got that confused but it does seem that you are insecure about him I think realizing that is good so you can notice that it might be your insecurities and not his actions at times. I don't know if I agree that counseling is what you should do ... I think trust takes time and your romantic relationship with him is rather short . I have had friends that have dated someone that is very insecure and those insecurities have ended the relationship but I've also known couples who have married despite that and the marriage has made the insecure person secure and they are happy as a married couple . I hope you fall into the later group :) Best of Luck to you!
A
female
reader, linz09  +, writes (24 August 2009):
 Oh my god woman you are going to drive yourself nuts...that little conversation he had with his ex wasnt bad and he said he was happy with u...so what, he has facebook, myspace etc etc...would you like him to live in a box and only let him out when you want his attention..mmmm...Look you need to get a grip, stop snooping, stop cross questioning him, everybody has had a life before and they are in the past for a reason and you are in his future...but you won.t be if you keep behaving like this mad insecure woman...he'll get fed up and then you'll have real reason to moan. How would you like it if he kept snooping into your personal stuff and analyzing everything you said in emails, text etc...Do you know the term...walking on egg shells..nobody has the right to make their partner feel like that,so stop it! and enjoy being together and having fun..you'll notice your relationship stenghthen and flourish.(:
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (22 August 2009):
 Seems to me the ex point blank asked him if he was happy with you and his response was "so far U?"....I think he was pretty open about and his happiness even though he didn't mention the engagement. What I read in their message, was pity. His ex seemed down on life, down on herself, probably kicks herself for letting him go, and he felt a little guilty about telling her how happy he was, so he down played it. What you might do is keep quiet about what you read, and simply tell him if the two of you are going to get married, you should both agree not to have contact with the ex'es anymore. There's really no room for an ex in your future plans, and to do so is just going to mucky up the waters, and create confusion. Pity is fine now and then, but a few more emails like that and she may drag him down her level and get him thinking he's not really that happy with you afterall. It can only lead down. Part of an engagement is preparing for a marriage, and one thing you do when you get married is you forsake all others. The ex has to go. He should break it off gently, or change his e-mail address so she can't find him anymore. That should send a pretty strong message. Good luck. I hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, SoConfused11 +, writes (22 August 2009):
SoConfused11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs for my ex, I've stopped talking to him. I don't trust that he has stopped talking to his. (All his exes, except her, were on his facebook or myspace & he volunteered to remove them because he thought it would be awkward for me.) He never told her we were engaged, despite the fact he told me she knew. I often catch him in lies he tells to avoid conflict, which erodes my trust further.
He's always looking for the greener grass & better crowds and I never thought he would b able to settle down with one girl. Til he told me everything I wanted to hear.
Does it not matter how he talks about me to other people? He was sure to tell his dirt-ball buddy I have some money coming to me since my dad passed. After reading this I can't get it out of my head that he's settling for me bc of the cash. He agreed that he wasn't happy either. WTF??
Hard to cross out of friend mode?? We were already engaged!! We've been on and off since we met.
My trust issues are long and deep, attained and built upon since childhood. It's easier said than done to trust, which isn't to say I haven't tried. But this chat sent me over the edge.
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (22 August 2009):
One of the big problems with snooping on texts / emails etc, is when you do get to read them you then spend ages trying analyse exactly what so and so meant when they said this and that. You then find any slight reason within the conversation to let your insecurity come flooding in and fill you with doubt.
I've read and re-read that conversation and there's absolutely nothing in it that you need worry about. He didn't make himself out to be miserable, exactly the opposite is the case - he says things are good, that you get on well, and that he is happy!
She is the one saying that she isn't very happy, and he responds by validating her feelings which is a simple technique for making someone feel a little better. Basically it is just saying "yes, I understand how you feel"
When he tells you "it's hard to tell an ex how happy you are when they may not be" I find no reason to believe he is not telling you the truth, and the conversation seems to support that.
Having said all that, I think you know the real issue here is your insecurity.
There is no easy cure, but there is no reason why you shouldn't be in a relationship either. You just need to be willing to work at it!
You need to explore why it is you are so insecure, and develop strategies for dealing with it. If this is having a big impact on your life and relationship then it could be worthwhile talking to a counsellor and begin to address these issues that way.
The very first step is to stop the snooping. I know it's hard - indeed it's almost like an addictive habit - but no good ever comes of it, and it feeds the cycle of insecurity.
When the temptation strikes, try to walk away and remind yourself that no matter what it says you will look for the bad in it.
Good luck!
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