A
female
age
51-59,
*aligirl2044
writes:I guess I will start with a little background first....me and my ex had met 9 years ago. We were both young and he was in the military (still active duty). We dated for over a year (6months of that long distanance I had to travel for work) when we broke up (he broke up w/me). He said he wasnt ready for something serious (I am 5 years older then him). Fast forward 5 years later... I had always sent his family cards for holidays and his mom sent me an email saying that he was single and now living about 1000 miles away from me and gave me his number. I truly never got over this relationship and always compared everyone to him. I always felt that he was the "one". He flew to see me within 5 days of talking again and the trip was good but it seemed like we where still not in the same place. He had just gotten back from Iraq 6 months earlier so he didnt show alot of emotion. He flew back home and when he got there and we spoke on the phone I felt the shift in his attitude towards me he was distant. After alot of prying I got it out of him that he had flew home and had meet someone in the few days he was back. Needless to say I lost it. I swore at that moment I would never put myself in that postion again and truly had nothing to do with him until 3 years later he contacted me and asked to talk that was 3months ago. In the 3 years since we had last seen eachother he is now a dad to a 2 1/2 yr old (by the girl he had met after me she got pregant right away and things didnt work out). We spoke on the phone for hours and he wanted to pay for me to fly to see him we are still 1000 miles away from one another. I agreed and said I would visit I told him I would not come for 3 weeks I wasnt going to rush back into that. So I flew over there and we got along great. I felt like he was the man I always knew he could be. He was doing everything to make me happy things he would of never done 9 years earlier. We agreed that we were back together and that we were going to see how things worked out. We had the talk about the fact that eventually I would have to move there since he is still in the military and has a son there. Before I left we had planned our next visit and this time he was flying to me with his son. We had the best time in fact the best 2 weeks I have had. I adore his son and he seemed to have bonded with me. We were happy..even talking about when we would have kids. His job is very stressful and demanding and he had to loss weight so he has dropped 85lbs since may. So when he is grouchy and doesnt call he explains that he had a bad day and didnt want to take it out on me. Which I appreciate! I came back to work (6 weeks ago) and everyone was sure I was quitting and moving to be with him...HUGE MISTAKE I called him crying and told him they were already asking people if they wanted the promotion to fill my job (at job 5 yrs). He said nothing has been decided and we were taking things slow this time as to not mess them up and know one needs to know our business......thats when everything went down hill. He stopped calling as much which he said was due to work...he went back to 7 days a week and is stressed. I acepted it and tried to be cool about it. Then I made the fatal mistake about asking when I could come visit and he keep putting me off saying he was going to have to work and he would try to take leave for me to visit this went on for 5 weeks. Oh and in between all this my birthday came and gone with just a text saying happy birthday and that he would call that night. He never called I was very upset about that but he was at a confence for work staying over night it was a 3 day thing during this time so I accepted that he was busy. We finally got to speak a few days later and he said he had been super busy. Ok then the next night came and I called him to see if I could book my flight yet since I needed to clear it with work. He was on his way out for the night which he hasnt done but one of his friend were in town...he said he could not talk because he had been drinking and didnt want to say anything wrong. He texted me later that night saying that I would be visiting soon. He never called the next day and I didnt get to talk to him until the day after that everything was good didnt mention the visiting thing told him i needed him to call more that he hurt my feeling so he said he knew he wasnt being a good boyfriend lately and would try harder. He said he would call me the next night and he did. Everything was fine at first he was getting ready for bed and I dropped the bomb again when can i visit? Well it didnt go the way i wanted it to...I said whats the point in having a long distance relationship if we were never going to see eachother why be together at all. Next he said the break up word. I explained to him that he had to be 100% sure because once that happens I am done forever. He asked me to give him time so he can sit down and think about everything with a clear mind. He asked me not to say anything to anyone because nothing has been decided yet. He said he had been so stressed with work and weight that he didnt have time to deal with the stress of me visiting because he would have to work the whole time. Well I have to say at first I was like hell no not again! But after he explained about the stress I asked what does it mean he said we are broke up and he needs to think about it. So I asked what does that mean do we date other people.....he got mad and said do whatever you need to do. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no he would of told me that. He just needs time to think so i agreed and added that i needed to think about what i wanted. So that was last monday........I emailed him wed and said i was going to give him time not doing anything to harm us and sorry for pushing the visit. I had made a scrapbook of our vacation with his son so I said I was mailing it. He responded quickly within 3 mins and said thanks for understanding. So I have totally backed off no phone calls no emails no text nothing since. I want to be with him I think things just started going to fast and he got scared. I just dont know what to do. help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Yeah, it could be that he is just freaking out a little bit about committing, not to you, but just the idea of it, here we go again he may be worried that it won't work out.
I would just give him some space like you are doing and take the focus off of him for now. Put the focus on you and do what you want to do to make you happy, let him figure it out....and if you want to date other men then do so, he hasn't put a ring on your finger yet.
Don't do that to make him jealous or threaten him with it just tell him he can take all the time he needs, but while he is making up his mind he won't have you all to himself...meaning you are going to keep doing the things that keep you busy and happy, and if he wants to schedule things tell him how much notice you need to come up, or how much notice you need for him to come see you.
Long Distance relationships are hard, and in my opinion, they suck....but if he is only 1000 miles away, why don't you just get in the car and drive on shorter notice?
A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (19 August 2009):
Long distance relationships are prone to having problems, and only work if both people are willing to put in a lot of effort to ensure that they do.One of they key things to agree on is how and when you will communicate and then stick to it.It sounds to me like you both had very different expectations about communication and indeed seeing each other, which has led to the current situation.It also does sound like things were moving way too fast when were together!I would suggest that you need to think about what it is you expect from him at a minimum. In other words, how often and when should you speak on the phone, when should you see each other and so on. Of course, it goes without saying you want more, but stick to the lowest level you can accept and be happy with.Then I would email him, explaining that you really do like him and want to take things slowly and see how it goes. Tell him that you both need to agree on how things should move forward, and include your "minimum list"He can then clearly understand what you need from him and decide if he is willing to offer you that. If he is, hopefully you can both move forward and begin to establish a relationship.And, if not, sadly the time will have come to accept that he is never going to be the right man for you.
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