A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay girl- I met this other girl about a year ago. We had sex then were planning to go for a date again but it didn't work out until novemeber. We went for a drink and were about to go for a more formal date later, but I wasn't really ready for dating at that time: I just quit my job etc. and she seemed to have lots of issues such as not being sure if she is bi or gay and wanting to have a baby with a guy.She then send me a random message on facebook in april asking if I wanted to catch up with her: we ended up seeing each other 2 more times and each time we had sex. She then asked me if I wanted to see where this is going and see her again: I said yes. A message followed saying that she felt closer to me and that she was more comfortable around me. Then she kept pushing our next date ahead and eventually send me a text saying "I am not ready for this, sorry" and an email which detailed that apparently "her psychology student friend" thinks she is not gay (even though she only falls for girls) and that she is "not allowed to see anyone". This seemed weird and I send her a message saying that we should at least talk about it...but then I thought she needs to sort herself out and I let it go.Now after 3 months I receive a short message that she keeps thinking about me and that she wants to see me, and if there is any chance we could do this. To be honest I don't mind all this: I like her a lot actually, (I saw someone else in these 3 months and I didn't feel the same about them) and I am also able to be on my own for a long time- so actually I am willing to risk another disappointment if she comes up with some other issue of hers. But I am wondering how to play it so I don't seem like someone whom it is o.k. to jerk around. Basically I want to give it another go, but I don't know if doing it will not make me seem like someone who doesn't respect themselves.Should I demand an apology? or behave like nothing has happened? Any suggestions?
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female
reader, MonicaC  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 So many unanswered questions. Gay or bi? Love or sex? Now or never? This is the tough territory of relationships..a world where nothing is terribly certain and everything is to be lost or gained. The good thing about it is that you have a fine head on your shoulders and you value yourself enough to ask the necessary questions before proceeding. It doesn't sound like you're all obsessed with this woman, and it also appears that you have a healthy view of what relationships are and are not. I guess the main thing to decide is whether you want to keep playing the games. It sounds like she enjoys playing them, and if that's your thing, then fine, go for it. But, be aware that when it's a game, there is a loser. Just make sure the loser isn't you.
A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (18 August 2009):
I'm never convinced that "demanding an apology" really achieves much. Saying the word 'sorry' is pretty easy, especially if you know that is what the other person wishes to hear, but actually meaning it and intending to not repeat the offending behaviour is something quite different.It sounds like you are approaching the idea of seeing this girl with a very sensible attitude. There is a high chance that she might mess you around again, and you have taken that into account.I would suggest taking things slowly though - by controlling your own actions you demonstrate that you are someone with self respect and worthy of her respect too.Let her understand that you do like her, want to date her and see where that might lead, but you are going to be cautious until she shows you that she's not going to let you down. Basically, give her the chance to prove that this time she is serious about seeing you before letting things get too far. Your previous meetings have demonstrated nothing more than she likes you enough to jump into bed with you when the mood takes her, so this time ensure she shows a little more than that first.
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