A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure what i am doing anymore. I am due to get married very soon, but although i love him in a way, i am having an affair with another man. To make it all worse, it has been going on on and off for 8 years, the other man is married, and 4 years ago i got pregnant by him and had an abortion. Despite everything me and my lover do everything we can to be together, and in truth I have always loved him but now my wedding is looming im just not sure what to do. My fiancee is like a family member there is no feeling or passion, but although my lover is unhappy in his marriage he wont leave yet. I just need to know where to go and would it be wrong to marry my fiancee and keep things as they are with my boyfriend
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abortion, affair, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Awesome, very insightful, words, Birdy. Are you taking note of those words, poster. Please get some help and try to figure out what it is about YOU, that makes you feel 'entitled' to marry one man while completely in love with another.Get yourself out of their lives and clean up, sweety.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Love and Marriage isn't all about Finding "The Right Person" for yourself - It's all about wanting to BE "The Right Person" for them.
Pardon my being blunt, but it doesn't sound like YOU are the "Right Person" for either of these two men, Dear.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Yes, what you are doing is wrong. Do not get married. You boyfriend deserves better than you and deserves a better life than you could ever give him.
-Frank B Kermit
www.frankadviceforwomen.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Dammit, of course it's wrong!! Dear, call the wedding off and admit to yourself...this would be a horrible thing to do to your fiancee. He deserves so much more than what you are offering which is really nothing, but pain and sorrow for him down the road. Let's look at at your situation.,
You plainly are not committed to being married, let alone engaged. Marriage is serious stuff, hun...it's not a casual stroll in the park. There are people's lives and heartfelt emotions involved here. And you are focused on marrying a guy, because your married lover is unavailable to you. Having a fling with a married man, aborting his child, and still stringing along your fiancee is not the actions of a woman who posesses sincerity, givingness and commitment to be married. You need to change your attitude because as it sits right now you do seem to lack the empathy, compassion and maturity to be married.
You need to find a way to help yourself, out of this self-involved way of thinking. Marriage is other-involved, it's challenging and requires lots of work. It can be frustrating, unpleasant and difficult, sometimes. In a marriage, there are temprary moments when one's feelings can ebb and flow, but usually the 'commitment' doesn't change. Commitment is the 'binding agent' that keeps married couples together. It's the strength of mind and a character trait inside a person, that keeps them attached to a spouse when another thrid party attempts to nject themselves into the marriage. You already have another man 'injected' into this relationship and you aren't even married yet!
I recommend you stop cheating and you look in to marriage counseling, just for you. You need a perspective given to you, from a professional who can explain how one commits to a marriage and what is need to grow into that. If that doesn't work, then I suggest you dut your fiancee loose, take time to yourself, have your fun and hopefully as you mature...you will understand the meaningfulness and hard efforts that go into committments. In time, you may come to realize that some things are worth it, like retaining one's personal integrity by truely understanding the meaning of marriage.
So call of the wedding. It will hurt your fiancee like hell, but go fix up your life, hun. Don't do this to a nice guy who wants a devoted wife and family. You know you can't give him that now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): How would you feel if someone else did this to you? Would you want to marry them? Even if you have no sense of your own worth, I doubt that you fiance deserves such a poor excuse of a relationship for a marriage. What has he done to deserve such a pittiful and miserable crown for his life? Let him go and give both of you a chance of happiness. You could then be the mistress of your other forever, I am sure you won't mind if he never leave his wife, which he won't after all this time. He, is not very selfish either is he, to keep you hanging around for a bit of variety? Excuse the sarcasm but you have no grip of reality and all the time your life is wasting away. before you knwo it you will be heading for your mid thirties and childless and panicking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Why do you want to get married?
What is the meaning of a marriage vow to you?
I suggest you break ties with your boyfriend, let him try and save his marrage, without you being around and as for you wanting to get married, I suggest you call it off and deal with all your "issues". You are not ready to get married to anybody yet.
Take stock of your life, and the situation you are in. Make sure you know what you want from life!If need be get counselling.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, M!  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Well when you get married it means forever. You obviously cant handle forever or this comitment to your fiance. You don't truely love him or else you wouldnt be cheating on him. What your doing is really unfair. So call off the wedding and then decide what you want to do. Because right now your deciding while still carrying on with the wedding and thats so wrong. i hope you make the right decision
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (12 June 2008):
 cheating is wrong. your fience isnt seeing another women, so you shouldnt be seeing another man. if you want to marry him then leave your lover and get married but dont hurt your fience if you dont love him. besides if you dont want your fience while you just engaged then how are things supposed to work out when you get married. just leave your fience so he can find someone who will love him because what your doing isnt fair. then go and tell your lover to get a divorce because he shouldnt be cheating either.
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A
male
reader, dvaldesmitsu +, writes (12 June 2008):
I do think it would be wrong and you are setting yourself up for eventual failure and unhappiness. You also need to think about your soon to be husband and how terrible he would feel if he ever found out about this. If you love him in anyway then do him the favor and don't marry him. He won't understand but in you heart your know you've done the right thing. You can also just be totally honest and open about everything that has transpired with you.
In closing your getting married for the wrong reasons and that is not how it should be.
Good luck and I hope I was able to shed some light on your situation.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Does your fiancee know about your boyfriend? If he does and he accepts the whole situation, then fine, go on with it. Otherwise, yes, it is wrong. It is dishonest and unfair. Your fiancee thinks he is getting a wife and partner, not a sister who really is with someone else.
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