A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure whether to contact my ex or not. We haven't spoken for a year and a half. The last time I spoke to him, he told me that he didn't want us to contact each other again. We used to have a lot of arguments, and now that I am older and a lot of time has passed, I have realised that a lot of those arguments were stupid. My Uncle passed away last year, and I think sometimes, when people have passed away, that helps you to realise some things too. I would like to tell my ex that I am sorry for the arguments that we had, and that they were stupid. I also wish that we could be friends. We wouldn't necessarily have to meet up with each other, but I would like to keep in touch with him from time to time to see how he is. He doesn't know that my Uncle passed away, and I would like to tell him about that, as he used to like my Uncle, and he thought he was funny.The problem is, he is in another relationship now. I'm not sure how long they have been together. It looks like they met last year. I might tell him that I know that he is with someone else, but then he would know that I have been looking for him online! I saw a photo that he posted of her on twitter, and one of them both together on facebook. I understand that both of them might not want me to get in touch, but I would like to try. I think it would be better to call him, rather than write online. It might freak him out though when he knows that it is me calling.I don't want him back, but I do feel regret, and I do think about him from time to time. Do you think he still thinks about me too or wonders how I am? I guess a lot of people wonder how their exes are sometimes, even when they dont want to get back together with them.Would I be doing the wrong thing by giving him a call? Do you think he will be cruel towards me?
View related questions:
facebook, get back together, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): Hi, I think all these people are saying do not con tact him, what I say is, he might have said do not ever contact him, his thinking might be, that will make you want to contact him more, I know cause I have said that to, hoping that will make them, want to get a hold of me more, just cause he 's with some one else now, that doesn't mean he not thinking about you all the time, an she just some one, to help him deal with the pain, of missing you, so send him a small tex, if he doesn't tex you back, well what did it hurt, but just maybe, he will tex you back, in a few days, an he will make you smile, for , he has been missing you even more. It will not hurt to show how you still care about him, with your heart, go for it, your hearts might still have the love for each other, for real love, doesn't turn off like a light switch, but smile with hope.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2014):
 I assume the post below is from the OP. In that case, he requested no contact because he wasn't over you and he needed time to heal. It sounds like he's done that and has moved on.
He hasn't "won", OP. All you know is that he's in a relationship and you're not. It doesn't mean you'll never find the right person, though in all honesty that's less likely to happen if you allow yourself to pine away for this guy and keep checking up on him via social media.
Let this go, leave him to get on with his life and you get on with yours. I repeat what I said first time, it can be a shitty time of year to be single depending on your frame of mind. But you'll be OK.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): It's weird, because he wanted me back just a couple of months before he told me not to contact him again. I didn't take him back, as I was with someone else at the time. I guess he has won!. Things have turned out well for him and turned out badly for me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): I had a similar relationship with lots of arguments which ended horribly. I requested no contact.
A year after we broke up, he wrote me a message on facebook asking how I was and updating me that a close relative of his had terminal cancer. He asked if we wanted to meet up for coffee and just be friends.
I would have been cold-hearted to have ignored someone going through this, but I really didn't care about him anymore. So I showed sympathy like I would with a stranger. Which is not what he wanted - probably didn't make him feel any better.
He then emailed saying how he had changed and wanted to apologise etc etc. I ignored him!
Obviously, you are different people from myself and my ex. But I suspect you will be on the recieving end of this treatment if you contact him.
In the same way you found him online, he could have found you if he wanted.
He could have ended it with a 'maybe under different circumstances we could have worked' but he didn't. He said don't call me ever again. By ignoring his request, you are only showing him that friendship with you would require 'arguments' for him to express himself clearly enough for you to respect his needs. You are re-affirming his decision to cut you out of his life.
He also has a girlfriend. You know very well that she wouldn't be overjoyed about you contacting him. A real friend would not want to cause problems in their friend's relationships. If you contact him, he might even be pissed off at you for creating problems. You will become the psycho ex.
You even said 'The problem is, he is in another relationship now.' Why is it a problem that he's in another relationship if indeed it is friendship you want? Why is it a problem if you are are sure that your contacting him will stir up a storm?
If it really is friendship that you want, he's not the best person to get it from. Find other people who haven't asked you to leave them alone and whose girlfriends won't get worried about you being the psycho ex.
In his shoes, I'd hang up if I picked up the phone and you were on the other end of the line telling me you still think about me (as a friend ofcourse) and wonder if I still think about you.
It sounds like you know that he won't be happy to hear from you but you want the drama. You are craving the fighting and the arguments. Why else would you be considering doing this?
You're worried he'll friek out and you are wondering if he will be cruel to you and you understand that both of them might not want you to get in touch. 3 very good intuitions telling you not to do it. But you play innocent and pretend your intentions are pure when really, you know you are pushing his buttons to get a rise out of him and start the relationship all over again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Do you really just want to be friends with your ex??
You sure you don't want him back??
Will he be bothered by you reinitiating contact?? Who knows. Just don't kid yourself about what you really want. I say go for what your heart desires, but be prepared for anything, positive or negative
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2014):
I understand the urge to make amends and smooth things over. Especially after a bereavement when it's brought home to you that life is short and some things feel left undone or unspoken. But if he requested no contact, you really have to accept that. If you call him out of the blue, it's not fair to him, in fact it's an act of selfishness in a way because you are dismissing his wishes for your own potential benefit.
Always respect an ex partners wishes for no contact. To be on the receiving end of unwanted contact is no fun (for him), and neither is reaching out to someone significant only to get either no response or a negative response (for you).
Best to let it be. It can be very cathartic to write a letter to him with everything you want to say and then shred it. Let it go in that process.
Make it easier for yourself by stopping looking him up on twitter and Facebook. Be strict with yourself in that respect. You are rubbing salt into wounds that haven't yet healed.
It's not uncommon to want to try to reconnect; today I read a blog about how it's a difficult time of the year in terms of having the urge to reach out to ex partners (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) and it might just be helpful for you to read that blog and realise that you're not alone and it can be difficult, but that contacting him isn't the best idea.
Lastly, it's OK to have this urge but I suggest to just sit with the feelings and don't act upon them. Accept this phase as part of moving on. If after careful consideration you still want to contact him, then brace yourself for the worst.
I think you'll feel better once valentines day has been and gone. To steal some advise from the blog I recommended, go and buy yourself some 'valentines' flowers on discount tomorrow to perk yourself up at bit. X
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): Forgive yourself and forget him.
He asked you never to contact him again. You should honor such a request; because if you break it, you will renew the pain and expose old wounds. He has moved on, found a wife, and you are just a memory. Those parting words may ruminate in your mind; because they sound so unforgiving. That was the point. He no longer matters. That was his call.
Don't come out of the blue, and drudge up the past.
He may not care whether you're sorry or not. If you feel guilty, you'll feel worse; if he gives you a nasty response.
He may have liked your uncle; but he may have also read the obituaries somewhere. How is being a bearer of bad news a way to initiate a friendship? It's actually meant to create a sympathy-cushion; forcing him to be kind. How will you handle it, if he he show's no remorse?
Seriously?!!
You're searching for excuses; because you haven't entirely moved on. You don't fool me.
The fact that this means so much to you, smacks of false-hope to reconnect in any way possible. You don't just want friendship, you want a reason to be a part of his life again, and not be forgotten. I think his request was abundantly clear how he feels. They sound pretty final to me.
Do you need him to refresh the harsh sentiments; in order to reinforce those words? That would crush your feelings; because you are building yourself up for a positive reaction, and a happy-ending. It's far too risky.
It would do you loads of good to abandon your plan, bury his memory, and get on with your life.
I know the feeling when love lingers just a little bit over-time. You snuff it out, and allow your heart to mend.
Allow the past to fade away; so it doesn't hurt you anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): I think it's a bad idea. You say you don't want him back but is that really true? Why would you contact an ex that you haven't seen for over a year, just to "see how they are?"
I don't think that you're being honest to yourself. Maybe it's because it's Valentines day and you're feeling lonely or nostalgic. Whatever the reason, don't cause trouble by contacting him. You'll only end up disappointed.
I'm sure his new girlfriend wouldn't be very happy about his ex girlfriend getting in touch with him to apologise about the relationship they used to have.
It's in the past, leave it there. You'll gain nothing positive by contacting him.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 February 2014):
Agreed with Honeypie. He was very determined that you'd never have contact again. He's not got in contact. He's moved on. As difficult as it may be for you, it would be much better not to get in contact. You'll just get hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 February 2014):
 I would leave this bear alone.
He already STATED that you two should have no further contact.
He has moved on and I have no doubt the arguments you two had wasn't ALL your fault so calling now to apologize? 1 1/2 later? Seems like a pretexts for getting him back in your life.
Time for YOU to REALLY let him go & move on.
...............................
|
