A
male
age
30-35,
*Fenix
writes:I've asked a question on here before about the same thing, but this time its a little less extreme.Basically this question sums up my problem:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-anymore.htmlBut for others that dont want to read that and need detail:My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half and we live together. In the begining we had alot of sex, like normal relationships, but now i'd be lucky to have sex with her once every two weeks. This isnt the only thing, She wont let me make out with her or overly-kiss her. She complains I do it too much, with is logically impossible because she wont let me do it in the first place. She wont let me physically love her at all. Its annoying, we do go to the same college and work at the same place only because we mutually know the G.M. there. Her exscuse is that she never has time to miss me and we dont spend time apart. She could go to her friends and stay 3 days with us rarely txting and she still has no drive.She is on the pill and multiple times have I thought of taking them and flushing them.We have arguements about this problem all the time now and she always gets defensive and her way of doing that is mockingly agreeing with me say "Yeah your right". Its the most annoying thing, its like shes 5 and refuses to use her words.She is mature because shes basically lived on her own since she was 13 or 14, moving from friends house to friends house because of a non exsistent father and a drug addicted mother.Last arguement we had she says that everytime we argue about that it makes her mad and not want to be around me, but in no way do I have an angry tone, I always make sure im calm. This time she started to cry a little and said its starting to hurt her feelings, and like a dumbass I folded and apologized but then tried to simplify what I was trying to say and like normal I feel like she doesnt care and that apparently I'm trying to make her feel bad and I dont care about her feelings. During this arguement I purposley asked her if she cared if we had an open relationship and she said then whats the point of the relationship.And then out of anger told her if she is not willing to let me love her then im just gonna have to go to someone else, hinting at my ex girlfriend in one of my classes, thats the part that made her cry. I am definitey not trying to hurt her feelings, but if anyone mine are being stompped on. She claims I dont care about her and its obviously not, its like she is mirroring my emotions and is claiming im harming her.It destroys me, but she just doesnt get it. In another arguement I told her that there was no point to the relationship. I dont want to break up with her cause I really do love her and I treat her like a queen. I buy her stuff when I can, we go out when we can, etc. I just dont know what to do, im currently looking for a therapist in my area that specializes in couples relationships.But im taking as much help as I can get. I would just like to know what is going on, and I'd like to avoid other guys posting "Oh, im going through the same thing..." and not giving any insight please.
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ex girlfriend, my ex, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, NFenix +, writes (23 October 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe isnt cheating that much i know, shes going to let meet the guys thats shes been hanging out with. me and her are fine now, i left the house after that for about two hours and walked around. she changed before she met these guys, and she didnt really hang out with anyone else.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 October 2011):
That's quite the change of events.
At this rate, besides the sex, I'm not even sure where the relationship is with this girl. Based on my past and bad experiences I'd say she is cheating on you or she wants to break up with you but that may be me being too pessimistic.
Did you notice anything with her "hanging out" habits around the time u noticed these changes? And btw what did she say when she got mad at you for being tired?
Anyway, what has happened since this argument?
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (23 October 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to her about going to Therapy and she refuses to.
I noticed changes about 3 to 4 months ago
She wont ever tell me whats wrong, she'll go talk to her best friend about it.
I cant tell if she is happier but she likes going over to her friends house to hang out with a couple guys she met in guitar, but they know shes in a relationship.
She does care for me, and I for her. But she gets really mad like tonight, she asked me what was wrong at the dinner table and I just told her I was tired and then she got mad. So we got into an arguement and I told her she needed to get out, and she said no so I went to the closet and grabbed as many clothes as I could to throw them out the door.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2011):
 Your girlfriend probably has some deeper issues stemming from her past. She was able to be intimate with you in order to secure the relationship but now that you expect continued sexual contact, her buried issues have risen up and are blocking that. She may have been abused, either physically or sexually, and this is what is causing her failure to bond with you. She may fundamentally mistrust people--including you--because she's been let down so badly in the past.
If she was raped or sexually abused, your pushing for sex will be perceived by her as a type of assault.
If I'm right, and she has this background, you have to accept that she can't love you in the way you would like. She's simply not capable of it, it's not because she doesn't want to. She's damaged by her past and until she gets professional help, she will be stuck in this cycle.
Your saying you would throw away her birth control pills is a very aggressive and actually hurtful statement and a big red flag on you as a controlling and insecure person. You need to deal with that attitude and anger if that is how you cope with problems. She may have subconsciously chosen you as a controlling person because that is the type of dysfunctional thinking she thinks is normal. It is not.
Get yourself with or without her into that counseling, but be prepared for some unhappy revelations ahead.
Another, less awful possibility is that she doesn't like the way you kiss or the way you make love. You should be able to ask her this, gently and lovingly, outside the bedroom to find out if this is the case. I know it may hurt your ego but if you are sincere about solving this you need to accept part of the problem is in your approach or your actions in bed.
If my initial impression is correct, though, she's going to resist talking about it and break down because she hasn't dealt with her past issues.
You will need a level of maturity and patience and compassion that you may not have put forth before. This will be an emotional and upsetting process but there's light at the end of the tunnel if you can stick to the therapy and counseling.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (22 October 2011):
I would imagine you have tried to get her in the mood and to me it sounds like you are doing everything she is asking for. I have been there myself and I fully believe that communication is key to solve these problems but from what I can tell, she doesn't seem interested at all so it makes me wonder if you will even be able to get her to go to a therapist. If you can't get answers from her mouth then you will have to get it from her actions. Hmm when did you first notice these changes? Is she less willing to share her feelings? Does she seem happier doing other things? Does it feel like you are being pushed away? How is the relationship otherwise? Does she seem interested and care for you? Do you care for her? I thought it could be medication as well but usually a girl may be able to identify if meds were the problem or not. If she's not doing something behind your back then she may have just fallen out of love with you. The other explanation is her mental state but I couldn't really answer that for you. But I think I would begin digging a little deeper into her life and what she is doing.
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