A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my LDR boyfriend 6months ago. It was a no-contact breakup because I was hurt and I truly wanted to move on. However, three months ago, he cut himself really bad and had undergone surgery. Several people reached out to me to call him but I didn't until my brother advised me to.Since then we have been communicating. He have been inviting me over to his state and I have been making excuses because I think that he is the one that need to come here first and make restitution for what he did to us. Well I don't think he sees it that way though. Let's backtrack to why we broke up. I snooped!Yes, from the onset of our relationship, I saw fb, text and phone messages that alluded that he had been talking to several women. After accusing him, one thing leads to another I ended up staying for 11/2 yrs before breaking it up because I could not bear the pain anymore.Now that he is trying to come back in the most punk way ever, I decided to start checking the only girl's fb that he seems to still keep in contact with. Last month she posted a pic of both she and him but the pic was taken down after two days and the phone calls records to her in that time period was outrageous. I bet he didn't like that. But why would a woman do that if she is really just a friend like he tells me. He says its hard to cut her off because he doesnt want to hurt her as a friend and she is clinging to him. I bet he enjoys the ego boost. I have every reason to believe that he is torn between who he loves the most. I think this girl may have his heart more than I but he will probably want to hold on to me more because I live here in the states and I have more potential as his friends tell him. I know he met her before me and she is the only one that have lasted this long in his life so there is possibility that he wants her but the things he tells me about wanting to marry me really confuses me. I know he tells her the same things. She unlike me accepts his behavior. She just posted a fb message on her wall today stating "If you have a wonderful man that you know he is not perfect but is perfect for you, who works hard and would do anything for you and you would love to grow old with..." this is two days after me and him had a long talk about our relationship and a day after he calls her again. I cant believe that I will ever be in a situation like this. Wish I never rushed into intimacy so fast with this guy. Now these are the consequences I am paying for not demanding exclusivity first hand and accepting bad behavior.Now that I seem to think that I still have feelings for this guy, should I fight and compete with this other girl? Most books I've read have told me to relax and if he wants me he will come to me. I don't know if he even have the confidence to come to me because he knows what he's done so should I continue to relax and hoping he will really come to me or should I do what this other woman is doing that is making him to fall for her more?I am just confused and I need help. Hard to Get may not work with this guy because he is kind of slow in making decisions in his general life. So what do you all recommend. I want him but I want him to come to me and the only way I will accept him back which I have told him is to give me a real relationship that I deserve. One that is exclusive with no attachment. Knowing how hard headed and stubborn we both are, should I just cut this loss and break it up with him again rather going through this emotional turbulence of whether or not he will stop dealing with other women and will marry me? Should I accept his offer of going to see him? Do you think I am too hard on him for not reciprocating back the feelings so as to not come off as needy and desperate? Help please.What exactly will make a LDR work with someone who is indecisive? What if I push him away and he ends up with this other woman? I will be crushed because I feel like I trained the dog and someone else fed him the bone which made him fall in love with that person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice one Cerberus. Thanks a million. There is a reason why I came here. I needed the extra eye and insight into the confusion and I can say wow you all hit it on the nail. Another no good zone that seems to be shadowed by blindsided love.
Thanks, will take the advice and start moving on the healing path I started 6 months ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): I would move on and let them two be together, if he cared for you, you wouldn't be going thru this, take the hurt and find someone else so you don't have to fight for love.
Sometimes we fall into these bad relationships not realizing what we're getting ourselves into, so drop that zero and get yourself a hero.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): OP from your reply you seem like an intelligent women very well able to express yourself and someone who I suspect has a pretty analytical mind.
I have to say though there is a lot of what I would consider to be a kind of naive fantasy in the things you speak of.
This situation is not complex in the slightest OP, but for some reason in your mind it is. All these possibilities, things that could mean that maybe this time it could work.
What you seem to be ignoring or perhaps trying to see as less of an issue is that the reason you couldn't take being with him, the reason you broke up to save your sanity, not only still exists but is worse than before.
Honestly OP, pretend your question and reply are from a stranger and read over them, what do you see? I see complete confusion and you second guessing yourself about things that are 100% irrelevant. What has you pushing him away got to do with his philandering?
"I did not love myself completely and this guy knew how insecured I was." And he took full advantage of that and is trying to again. OP he has wrapped you up in your own mind trying to convince yourself that this time will be different. But again he's in full blown contact with, wooing another woman, isn't that the kind of thing that crushed you in the first place? You think that being a stronger woman this time makes that kind of behaviour easier to tolerate?
No OP you can't tolerate that.
"Now that I am working on these few things on myself, I am thinking maybe we both had things to work on and change so we can be together."
But he hasn't changed, OP he has this other woman in a place where she is all loved up and thinks things are great with him all the while trying to invite you over to his place for shag.
I don't understand how you can't see what's going on, you're so wrapped up in what you've done wrong that you're letting this guy try to play you.
"I bet he enjoys the ego boost."
Yup and guess who's his ego boost? You're now one of the "others" that he wouldn't let go of that ruined your relationship with and now you're one of those foolish others that is ruining his new relationship with his new girl.
Can you not see the pattern here, it's not hard to spot OP. He did it to you, played on the side while with you and now you're one of on-the-side chicks.
"He says its hard to cut her off because he doesnt want to hurt her as a friend and she is clinging to him."
Guess who is now hearing that.
OP please wake up, the pattern is clear, he has not nor will change either, why would he when he seems to have women like you queuing up to be played by him?
OP being a "good" guy does not make him good for you and from what I see he's not a good guy, he's a player.
Save yourself from anymore grief OP and draw a line under this.
He has you good OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): There are to many men on this earth to get played by anybody if at first you don't succeed try ,try again! Life is to short for BULLSH...real talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. SO many questions here so I will answer them all.Yes I am in my thirties and this is my first supposed to be real relationship that I actually gave a damn about. I must admit after the break up, I did some soul searching and I figured out that I did not love myself completely and this guy knew how insecured I was. Although the relationship started great and we talked ablout marriage, at the time I thought people change and I needed to give me a chance since he was proving that he was working on it.There are things he pointed out of my behavior that is making me think that maybe I had something to do with pushing him away. He has complained about me being controlling and acting like the man in the relationship. Although I made excuses and told him when we met he did not have money and I was playing the role of helping a mate, it really made me look like I was doing everything and didn't need him.Now that I am working on these few things on myself, I am thinking maybe we both had things to work on and change so we can be together. Feelings are still there. Yes, he is getting in my head again but trust me, I am not moping around waiting on him. During our break, I became more engrossed in volunteer work and dating randomly but nothing serious. So please guys I know you guys are giving me tough love and I deserve it, I just want you to have all the facts before judging.Something in me seriously thinks we are destined to be and if I had set a good foundation from the jump, we will not be in this predicament.And I sure did not say I wanted to fight another girl. All I am saying is the other girl is fighting for his love and it seems to be working so it got me thinking maybe I am just not opening up to him for him to make a come back like he is saying he wants to.I may be shit at No contact but i know for someone who have never did it before I did such a great job of shutting him off cold turkey. This guy is not a bad person so reaching out to him is just to wish him well plus how long do you have to continue a no contact with someone you got out of your system. I wanted to keep it cordial but if there are changes then we can still work on it but i'm not waiting.Thanks guys for the tough love. I need it though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): So 1 and 1/2 years of a failed fight to make him yours and you seriously need to ask whether this is a workable relationship worth fighting for?
Damn right you're confused and forgive me but you're totally shit at no-contact. OP no-contact is no-contact, whether his head falls off or he has a bad accident or whatever, let him burn. Think I'm being cruel? Well how do you feel right now, how hurt and confused are you right now because of your great idea to jump right back into this shit?
You're even wondering whether to fight to get back with him.
OP go no-contact and this time do it properly, if he gets run over by a bus tomorrow then tough shit, not your problem, you move on.
"should I just cut this loss and break it up with him again rather going through this emotional turbulence of whether or not he will stop dealing with other women and will marry me?"
he will never stop dealing with other women, he's been doing it for years and he obviously has more than one sucker willing to play this game, including you.
"Should I accept his offer of going to see him?"
No, cut contact again and spare yourself a repeat of all the shit you went through with him. This isn't Twilight OP, he's not going to save you from the werewolves he's jut going to shit on you again because you are not enough for him.
"Do you think I am too hard on him for not reciprocating back the feelings so as to not come off as needy and desperate?"
Too hard on him? What? And for the record you are 100% needy and desperate.
"What exactly will make a LDR work with someone who is indecisive?"
He's not indecisive OP, he's playing you, keeping his options open and he's not making his mind up, he has chosen to not only be with you, he wants other women too. Wake up woman are you really in your 30's? This guy isn't some poor delicate little flower that's just a little bit confused.
"What if I push him away and he ends up with this other woman?"
That is exactly what you should do and you shouldn't care what happens to him.
You had 3 months OP and then spent the last 3 months letting him get into your head because you felt sorry for him, what kind of pathetic little boy is this guy at all that you think he's so delicate and pity-worthy?
No offence OP but is this your first ever boyfriend or do you just really think we men are so meek and flimsy?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 That is the biggest excuse in the book "It's hard to cut her off and hurt her as a friend". If this guy wanted YOU, he would cut off contact and would not care about her as a friend. That's what it boils down to. Does he care about her more or you more?
I would kick this guy to the curb as he sounds like he's playing both sides. Don't let him belittle you like this. You did the right thing when you left the first time. Don't buy this crap about him not wanting to hurt her.
Should you fight another girl for a guy who doesn't even remotely sound interested in you? Are you 15, because it sounds like you're 15. NO, you should not fight the other girl. The other girl is not the problem. HE is the problem. Surely your books told you that a man who plays two women at the same time is a snake.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 September 2012):
 Honey, can't you see what you are saying about your OWN actions is spelling it out Just how wrong this relationship is?
The fact that you FELT such a strong need to snoop, to catch him. And when you did the first time, WHY did you stick it out?
He is turning you into one of these CRAZY women who starts to STALK their own partner because the partner broke the trust.. The fact that you two are LDR will up the insecurity and mistrust, however.. you keep finding "proof" and you STILL STICK around, why? WHAT do you get out of this relationship?
And no, I would not wait around for a guy to make up his mind. I will NOT be second choice. At least not knowingly. I would want a guy who wants ME and ME alone.
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