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Will he break up with me because I don't like giving head?

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and things seem to be going well.

However he keeps asking for a blowjob which I'm not keen to do. I've tried it with him for a tiny length of time but really really dislike it.

I've told him this. And now my fear is he will get fed up with me saying no to that. And leave me.

Does anyone have any advice

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2018):

Wish I could advise you but I get immense pleasure out of giving head. It's highly arousing and empowering knowing I can make him feel that good.

Just yesterday I initiated giving a BJ to my boyfriend. No strings. Nothing in return. I just wanted him to feel good. When he feels good, I feel good.

Yes, it's true that a lot of women lose their men because of a sexual act that are unwilling to perform. You may think he's a jerk who doesn't deserve you. Not true. Most men love getting a blow job. Some love it equally if not more than sex. And it's a need they can't live without. He may put off that need or deny it because of you but eventually somebody else will fulfill it.

You can't ask your partner to live without something they need and enjoy.

Over time, he will begin to resent you.

I believe in doing what it takes to make your man happy. Making the effort. Sometimes doing something over time becomes more appealing. Especially when you see how happy it makes your partner.

Take one for the team. Fake liking it if you must. You don't have to do it everyday but why can't you compromise? Once a week? I am sure he'd be more than happy with SOMETHING rather than NOTHING.

Think about how you'd feel if he refused to go down on you and that was your most preferred way of getting off? You'd be a little or a lot upset with him.

Stuff like this causes underlying resentment and erodes the relationship in time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

Honeypie agony aunt

If you try something (sexual or otherwise) and you don't enjoy it, it's not something you need to KEEP trying in order to keep a BF.

I can't imagine expecting a guy to go down on me if he really didn't like it.

Sometimes we find that giving pleasure can be more fun than we first thought. But, I do think the whole "dislike/like" also comes down to JUST how well you know your partner and how comfortable you are with him/her.

Some find oral sex (on either gender) degrading - something I DO NOT understand. I think the only time it's degrading is when there isn't consent. Or if the man (or woman) is making the act unpleasant - such as trying to force the whole penis down her throat because he saw that in a porn... or her slamming her knees on his ears so he can't move away...

Some find it just TOO personal - after all you have your face in someone's crotch and bodily fluids etc...

Some worry about their OWN skills and their OWN scent/taste etc.

It doesn't mean that the guy is "gross" for wanting a blow job (most men (actually all) I have EVER known (both in the intimate" sense and as friends) all loved BJ's.

When it comes to dating people want a COMPATIBLE partner. Someone who have the same sex drive, similar values, maybe even hopes and dreams. When it comes to relationships SEX is important for many.

There are TIPS you can learn to make it more enjoyable for you AND your partner - WHEN you are ready and I'd say when you are with someone you WANT to explore this with. Maybe 4 months is just too soon for you to WANT to explore it. Or maybe he is too pushy.

There are MANY ways to give and receive pleasure sexually. You have to find your own limits and boundaries. And IF a guy says, well I can't LIVE *let's be dramatic, OK* without blowjobs, well maybe HE isn't the right guy for you.

I had an ex who PESTERED me for anal sex and it just wasn't going to happen. My husband have asked about it when we first got together and I told him, that is a no-go for me. And he has respected that. So I am NOT of the belief that you *should* TRY everything once. But I do find that over time the more comfortable you become with your partner the more FUN you can have involving sex.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI am not a fortune teller but if he dumps you over this then you are both simply not right for each other. If it is important to him in a relationship to receive oral sex then yes he may look for someone who is open to giving it, but that is his choice, just like it is your choice to say no. You should never do something against your will just to keep a man.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2018):

I do agree with the anonymous poster. It's not so much the act but the fact that it could breed resentment through a lack of reciprocity. Would you still want him to go down on you? It's about five times more likely to get you off than penetration so answer carefully..

Is it too intimate? Is your face too close to the action or the bodily fluids? Does it require expertise you think you don't have? Do you think it's demeaning?(Does oral demean him if you have this mindset?)

Does he just need to work on his personal hygiene? I think you should ask yourself these questions. You don't have to accept the third degree from him if he's somehow trying to break you down into agreeing to it but you should try to ask them to yourself. He may well decide that he does want a woman that's on his sexual wavelength and that's okay-he isn't a bastard as the previous poster rightly mentioned, but he isn't right for you and you for him. Your youth is where you explore the world. Sex is a big part of that. For you it might not be, if so-it's your thing- do what you want to do, but don't resent others for wanting something different.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

It's not as clear cut as most Aunts/Uncles on here are saying. Imagine the situation the other way round: he won't go down on you because he doesn't like it. Now imgaine if that's something you really like to recieve. How would you feel? We women are entitled to the sex we deserve, don't forget. To claim that 'it's just a blow job' is a very dismissive sentiment, and it shows that these Aunts/Uncles are not interested in your boyfriend's wants and needs in this problem. Taking their advice word for word is risky.

Don't for a second think that I am saying you should drop to your knees this evening, and whenever he asks. You are both entitled to what you want- what you deserve- in the bedroom. It's not wrong for you to think he may dump you over this. But that doesn't make him a bastard for doing so. It's not to say you're selfish for not giving into his requests. It is saying that sex- something which has far more importance in a relationship than these other Uncles and Aunts are implying- means different things to you both and, unless one of you 'gives in,' you both need to go your own way and find a new partner who is into the same.

It might, though, be a bit OTT to say 'it's over!' and run for the hills. Why don't you like giving bj's? If it's the taste and texture, or the ejaculation, you can try condoms. There are special flavoured condoms especially for blowjobs that are thinner so the sensation isn't too bad for him. I know at least one couple who did this- he says it's actually alright.

But also, what is his interest in bjs? Apart from the obvious, as in it feels good, there are other factors. It's relinquishing control, it's the taboo factor. It can also be the fact that blowjobs are all about him (not in a negative selfish way, though). These things go beyond the physical side of oral sex and are emotions that can't be just brushed aside.

I'll share some friends stories that are relative- there is the couple I spoke about before that rely on condoms. A girl friend has never put a penis in her mouth, she says that she makes sure he gets mindblowing sex in all other ways. Another, married, couple are strugling with the fact that she no longer wants to give out the bjs. It's clear that that is a problem for him. Their relationship will go in one of a number of ways: she will give in, he will learn to live without, or (more likely) the relationship will end or he'll go elsewhere for the action he desires.

We all have our own wants, desires and rights. We are all taught, rightly so, that they are precious. But we forget, women and men, that sometimes those wants, desires and rights are incompatible and it's no ones fault.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

Yes, he will.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it only to keep him. It also doesn't mean for a single second he should have to make do without oral, if that's something that he really wants.

It's neither of your faults, but it is important, to both of you.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2018):

N91 agony auntIf he breaks up with you because of this do you really want him as a boyfriend?

Would you rather be single or have to perform sex acts you don't want to on command?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhat's the worst - not having this particular boyfriend or having to put out and do stuff sexually you don't like? Think a year down the line, 5 years and 10 years. Do you still want him nagging you to do something you find unpleasant and having to give in just to keep him?

Ask yourself the question: is he really worth it? There are plenty of guys out there who will understand and respect your wishes not to do this. It is not for everyone. Nobody ever died because they didn't get blow jobs.

In your shoes I would tell him - very firmly - that you do NOT want to do this. If he still keeps asking, this relationship is not going to work out. You may as well be the one to call it a day and walk away.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (8 January 2018):

Ciar agony auntMaybe you should get fed up with him asking and leave him.

He can be replaced more easily than you can. Act as though you have options and before long you'll realise you do.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 January 2018):

Well, this is where you learn to either standup for your principles; or just do whatever a guy wants to keep a boyfriend. While becoming the girl all the guys know will do anything.

When it comes to sex, as a young woman, you have to realize your own power. You have full authority over what you do with your mouth, hands, or your body. You should know what you're worth as a fine young lady, and a nice person. You should be able to enjoy doing things for him, as much as he likes you doing it.

If you don't like it, don't do it! That's power!

You'll also gain respect. If you decide to try again, you'll decide when that will be. Not under pressure, but by choice!

You don't trade or negotiate performing blowjobs or sex-acts on guys, to keep them around. Then it's all about the sex, not you!

You just might find yourself sick and disgusted always doing whatever a boy asks you to do. That's sort of dumb and empty-headed. Don't you think? Just so he can brag to his friends!

What if you do whatever he wants, and you still lose him? Then you'll hate yourself.

Better wise-up, girlfriend!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

Well, what's the reason you want to be with him? "Things seem to be going well" is the most anaemic relationship characterisation ever. As in, it's dead in the water, time to say bye bye!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWell, if he breaks up over this, isn't it better?

You don't like doing it and he wants it. It seems to mean you two aren't quite on the same page.

The LAST thing you should do is giving BJ if you absolutely don't want to, JUST to keep a BF.

This one may NOT be for you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntStick to your guns. Don't do things you aren't comfortable with just because someone else wants you to.

If it's a deal breaker for him, you're not compatible anyway. I'm sorry, OP, but this is just something we have to face when dating. I will have to face the same, as the thought of giving oral makes me uneasy and anxious. Tell him that it's just not something you're comfortable doing. If he keeps bringing it up or you think he's considering cheating, leave him.

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