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Why would he spend so much time courting me then suddenly act like we never happened?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 March 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 14 March 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I started seeing this guy about 2 months ago. Hes a nice person, was married for about 8 years but divorced for 1, he asked me out a few times before i finally agreed, and was as sweet as can be the whole 2 months we were dating. Refused to let me go half on tabs, even seemed slightly against it. Took me to meet all his friends and family. We spent every weekend togther. When we would go out, he often kissed me on the cheeks and opened doors. Everything was great up until the last weekend we spent togther. We went to a bar for his mom's birthday and after she left we met up with some friends of his. They gave me dirty looks all night everytime i tried chatting as he ran off around the place chatting it up with random people. It was a long 3 hours sitting there by myself. Then when we got back to his place, somewhat drunk, we snapped at eachother and i decided to call my ride. We continued to text but i kept things short because my feelings were hurt, i went to visit him wednesday and he seemed distant but was nice to my daughter he met for the first time. He asked if i wanted to hang out this past weekend with his friends again and i declined. Every weekend it seems to be whatever je wants to do, which i don't mind but his friends didn't seem like fun to me. He messaged me saturday and wished me a lovely day, Sunday i messaged him and wished him a lovely day, and that was the last of it. I don't want to bother him because my feelings are hurt and i need to know the person I'm with wants me around etc. But he seems to be falling off the face of the earth on me and I'm not sure what direction i should go with it.

He's not the type to date around alot, usually by himself or a guy friend when i see him. But one of his friends told my sister that my guy really liked me a lot, but that he didn't think my guy was looking for a serious relationship a few weeks back. He sure acted like he was though. Buying me flowers, facetiming me for hours every day etc. Now it's like we never happened. I'm not sure what to think or do. I wonder why a guy would act that way?

View related questions: divorce, drunk, flowers, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2019):

This is what I think happened. You went out with his friends. He tried to show off to you by going around and talking to everyone BUT you. He wanted you to be impressed that he was the social life of the party. All the while forgetting to ease the social transition between his girlfriend and friends.

This is an immature thing to do, but you would be surprised just how often it happens. In fact, predictably often when the male mind is at work. You can count on it.

After this night, when YOU responded by cooling off (Refusing his invitation to a date the next weekend, switching your facebook accounts, replying short "hurt" replies) he got the vibe that you were less interested.

He gets it, but he may have no idea why, in his mind, YOU are cooling on HIM.

That's why he keeps chatting with you to an extent but waiting for you to pick it up.

He must have taken your refusal for a next date hard. As well as the little facebook game.

IF you want a future with this guy (honestly even if you don't, it's a good exercise in openness). Communicate honestly.

Explain you really enjoy talking and going on dates with him, but you were hurt that he seemed to pay more attention to random strangers at a bar than his date. Explain that you don't mind socializing with his friends, but they seemed cold. For goodness sake, COMMUNICATE. He is not a mind-reader. You can't expect him to understand why you are cooling on him without some explanation.

Then, see what he has to say. If he is angry and dismissive, I would drop him. If he is concerned and wants you to give this another shot, then I would give him another chance.

He didn't reply to your facebook explanation because it was obvious to him that you are....playing games of cat and mouse. He just likely doesn't know what all these games are about and he may understandably lose patience.

Is he immature? Absolutely. It is immature and borderline rude to do what he did and leave his date. Again, it could be a misdirected desire to impress. So, I would excuse this kind of behaviour once IF you can communicate openly about it and come to some agreement of how he will stick with you more throughout the night as you get to know his friends.

If it keeps happening, or if he is so socially attached to this group of friends that he doesn't care about anything else, I would let him go at that point.

BUT i would DEFINITELY make sure I communicate my concerns to him first-- it will be an interesting window into his psychology, and I think even if you do decide to end it, you will go out of this better informed on the male psyche and motivations.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntIf you two can't figure out HOW to communicate with each other but think you can "rely" on reading minds... IT's just not going to work.

As for what friends of his SAY, you can't go by that either. THEY are not the ones DECIDED if he wants to be serious or not.

And honestly? WAY too soon to introduce your child to him after only 2 months.

It's EASY enough to have no drama the first 1-6 months, in the "get-to-know-you-phase" that doesn't necessarily mean that you are a good fit relationship-wise, though if there IS drama early on, it's pretty much an indicator that it's NOT going to work out.

But if you two CAN'T talk to each other instead of PAST each other, it's DEFINITELY not going to work out.

Instead of saying NO to hangng out with him and his friends maybe you could have suggested you have a "just the two of you kind of date", as it's HIM you are wanting to get to know. And instead of "switching Facebook account" maybe TALK about what upset you. Instead? You were hoping he could READ your mind and magically figure out WHAT is up with you.

The REASON he is backing away is because YOUR BEHAVIOR makes you seem less like the woman he thought you were and more of a game-player. Which I would wager IS not your intentions.

TALK to the guy or let him go.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 March 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntReading our post, I wanted to bang your heads together. Are you really the age it says on your profile? And is HE the same age? You (especially) and he are acting like a couple of moody teenagers. You need to grow up.

Would it have hurt you to have explained to him WHY you were declining the offer of meeting up with his friends? Would it have hurt you to make a suggestion of something you would have preferred to do? Instead it sounds like you just declined his suggestion because you are still mad at him and because you have "hurt feelings". Oh please.

If you want this relationship to continue, you both (but especially YOU) need to start communicating. TELL him you are not yet comfortable around his friends. TELL him what you would prefer to do together. He is not a mind reader. He does not know you well enough to work out what the problem could be. In addition, men are notoriously bad at taking hints. You need to spell things out.

You "kept things short" because your "feelings were hurt". Really? Sounds a bit like sulking to me. You couldn't have talked to him about what had upset you?

Come on, sweetheart. You are NOT a teenager so stop acting like one. Talk to this man before you lose him. He sounds like he might be worth the effort.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I want to add that the two months were very drama free, I'm the easiest person to get along with, i don't like arguing and drama. I can honestly say the only disagreements we ever seemed to have before that weekend was over whether or not i should be able to help pay tabs. I compensated this by buying him a few small gifts here and there and even gave him a bunch of groceries etc. Back rubs, space, made myself available. I did everything by the books. So confused. He messaged me a few times tonight but still seems distant and obviously we can't communicate enough to fix stuff so perhaps i should just give it up. Bummer

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 March 2019):

Something to be learned in the dating world. People can be great to date; but it may not lead to anything serious. You can be polite, pay the tab, and be great conversation. It just won't lead to a relationship. It doesn't reflect on you badly; but you did get a heads-up when one of his buddies told your sister your suitor wasn't interested in anything serious. He kissed you on the cheek. Hardly romantic.

With some guys, if you don't like their friends; or they don't like you...you're not a keeper.

Being introduced to family and friends doesn't mean a commitment is about to ensue. People share everything these days openly. It's usually allover social media. They just want you to meet their family and friends. You're not a secret. "Mom, dad, sis...this is the lady I'm dating right-now!" He's giving you a limited tour of his world and origins. It's a courtesy. Not necessarily a prelude to a relationship. Not to say he wasn't feeling things out, and evaluating the possibilities.

He's growing distant as an indication that the connection is reaching the expiration-date. Letting someone know you're not seriously interested is awkward; and some guys are terrible at just being straightforward. They go from one extreme to another. Either sickeningly sweet and apologetic...almost to the point of condescension, to being brutally cold. They just stop calling. Your beau falls somewhere in the middle. Easing his way off.

What happened is...nothing. He dated you, and now he's hinting that this is it, and this is your stop. You can save face and tell him that it has been nice; but you're feeling somewhat brushed-off. You'll stop right here. I think you should move on, rather than feel bad about it.

If he has little to say, take it for what it is. He's slowing it down, before calling it quits. At lease he was a good date. He's not a keeper.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Today he messaged me to ask why i deleted him, and i told him i didn't, i just switched to a different facebook. He was really short but friendly and didn't reply back to the last message. Still so confused but don't want to be pushy or bother him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2019):

It seems that he found you great company when he and you were alone, but when confronted by the reality of mixing your two lives, friendships and realities he discovered that you weren't such a good match. Perhaps his friends said you weren't friendly and he added that to your argument later and decided that a new relationship shouldn't be this hard. It's tough but relationships don't finish by mutual consent. Anyone can do it unilaterally regardless of fairness. I genuinely don't really know- I'm just speculating.

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