A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have known a wonderful guy for over 20 years -we have been having an affair for 15 years. I have loved him all this time. He has been married with kids all this time - I've been married and divorced twice. Although we have never discussed this, he will never leave his wife. Why would a man who loves his wife and family still want me around? I wish with all my heart that we could be together!!
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Why should he leave his wife when for 15 years he's had the best of both world's. If he hasnt left her yet he is never going to be with you full time. You are stopping yourself from creating a normal loving relationship with someone who can commit their whole life to you and you alone. You are worth so much more than this and have wasted the last 15 years on this man. Take control back and get out x sorry if that sounds blunt
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Continuing with this for 15 years, knowing that it will never go anywhere, can only be described as a triumph of hope over reality. It's tragic that you've given 15 years of your time and emotional energy to a man who can never be yours, and I can feel your pain.
You probably won't like me saying this, but yours is a perfect example of why NOT to pursue or continue a relationship with a married man. As every person I've ever known says: "He is never going to leave his wife, and you'll never have him to yourself."
(I should qualify that. There are exceptions, for example, if there are no children or if the marriage is already on the rocks -- I have a friend who dated and eventually married a married man -- but in most cases the woman is destined to end up in your situation, which is absolutely and totally sad.)
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A
female
reader, BedrockBMW +, writes (1 May 2008):
 I, too, know someone in this same situation.
She seems to be content in the situation, though. Her married man bought her a house completed with all new furniture and has purchased countless cars for her, each car more luxury than the last (right now she's in an Cadillac STS). He has been married with kids the entire time and they have been dating for about the same amount of time that you mentioned.
I'm not trying to glamourize it, but you have to ask yourself this question: "Can I live like this the rest of my life knowing that he can pull out of the relationship at any moment, or do I want more?"
If you want more, than I think that you need to make the decision. The decision isn't his because he has already made his decision. He has already decided that he will have his wife and their kid(s) and he will have you by his side when HE chooses.
You can have a discussion with him about this if you want, but if you two already have 15 years under your belt than it's obvious to me that he's content. So the decision is yours.
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (1 May 2008):
You know he is not leaving his wife so why do this to yourself. Does the wife know about you? How does she feel? If you are unhappy then end it. You deserve someone who wants only you. I was the wife in a 5yr affair. It was devistating to me to find out that it was continuing. Think about what you want. I say that you should end it for the sake of everyone. You, the man, his wife, and kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - I have never told anyone about this but I appreciate your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, notinthesane +, writes (1 May 2008):
 I have a friend in a very similar situation. I will say to you what I say to her and, hopefully, you will take my advise the way she hasn't.
The way I see it is, you are only going to end up being hurt. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, but you have to let him know that that isn't going to fly. If he loves you the way that you love him, then he needfs to make a decision. Admittably, it's a hard decision to make to leave your wife for another woman, but you can't keep doing this. Right now, he is using you. You should talk to him and be firm and clear about how you feel and find out exactly what his intentions are, and then go from there.
Good luck. I hope that things work out for you and I wish you nothing but happiness.
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