A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have struggled with trust with my new partner for some time. We managed to put to bed the things that were troubling me (and they were NOT small I can tell you). All has been good but I have now discovered two more things that are making me concerned...should I be?First she left her mobile phone bill out and I can see that she was texting her ex (he was a one night stand apparently several months ago) furiously when I wasn't staying over at the end of November last year. We had been together for three months at the time.Also (and this is embarrassing), I opened her dressing table draw, looking for something NOT rooting lol...and found some sex lube that I know wasn't ours and some condoms a brand that we have never used. I am not naive enough to ignore the fact she has had previous partners....but why keep a bottle of 'Dick Lick' from a previous liaison. Eugghhh! I know she would NEVER let me know she has it. I am just concerned why on earth she has kept it???Thanks!BB
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condom, her ex, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what...it really doesn't matter. I am clearly evoking some anger in some of you. That wasn't my intention - I thought that advice and compassion could go hand in hand - clearly I am mistaken. Suggesting that I just walk away from this relationship is a ridiculous proposition and not at all helpful. Thanks for those of you who have offered some sound and none judgemental advice but I think I would like this thread closed now thank you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 OP have you considered ASKING her what's going on?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2012):
I could just quote Cindy's last two posts...
OP you are STRONGLY over reacting to this situation...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 February 2012):
 I don't think this relationship will work... your always stumbling across things that bother you, and it doesn't sound like you'll ever trust her.
You didn't mention that the lube had been moved, that wasn't part of your story. But no matter what we say, or she says or anyone says, you don't trust this woman and have been struggling with these (not small) for ages. Don't know why she moved the lube and put it back, maybe she was cleaning. Can't really see her taking it, going to cheat and then remembering to pack it and bring it back. Especially since she knows you have trust issues. Also don't understand why she gives you a bill with phone records of a man she's been screwing. Maybe she's trying to get rid of you and is leaving you these things to find, so you will storm out.
Why torment yourself like this. Tell her what you suspect and finish the relationship and then both of you can find other partners and a relationship that is easier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get that...but whats it going to do...just lay there gathering dust??? Or produced at some point in bed (that wouldn't go down too well) - if not the former and the latter is taking the piss a bit (IMHO) then again I ask, why keep them???
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Not to be brutal, but there are other more intimate things than a chemical sbstance, which she used on her ex lover , i.e. her mouth and her vagina, and now you are using them too. How come that does not make you equally uncomfortable ?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 February 2012):
I think we had already answered your question, she did not throw them away because it did not cross her mind, and it did not cross her mind because it was not really supposed to.
People do not necessarily throw away everything even remotely concerning a past lover when they get a new one.
Otherwise, she should also have thrown away the mattress of her bed where she probably slept with him, and the pillows . And, the soap and towels he used to shower. What about the sofa ? maybe that guy sat right there.
She has not " kept " the lube and condoms as in " guarding, conserving, saving as mementos "- she probably just did not think necessary to sanitize all her surroundings after her one night stand.
So, yes, if this is the only reason you have for doubting her, your preoccupation is excessive and it may have to do with RJ, and in this case you'd be wise to postpone marriage until you have sorted out your ideas about the role and level of mutal trust in your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question...for the record...she may have forgotten about them. However, they weren't in the drawer at one point. she has clearly taken them out of one place and put them in there. Not disposed of them. Surely I am not the only one that would feel uncomfortable about this. When would she have lubricant in her drawer, and expect me to be over the moon given that it had clearly been in her hands being used on someone else...LOL!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 February 2012):
 Sounds like you have a twinge of retrograde jealousy? You do know she had a life before you, yes? That include a sex life.
I'm guessing she didn't tell you because she forgot about it. The condom, I still say it's a good thing. That means she was casual about STD's.
I think you need to NOT marry her til you can accept that she had a life before you and that you can be open and honest with her. If you start a marriage and you already have issues with trust it's only going to get worse, that ring on her finger won't change a thing.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (10 February 2012):
 6 months into dating my now husband I found condoms and handcuffs in his bedroom. Obviously, just like your gf, he didn't get rid of that stuff because 1. He didn't look into that drawer 2. He forgot about it 3. It had no emotional/sentimental value ( otherwise it would be framed or something). It's not something she intentionally kept, it's like keeping bras and panties from that night she had sex with him...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 February 2012):
Oh dear, are we supposed to throw them out.. How come nobody told me? Doctor didn't say anything, neither did the chemist.. them things are expensive, maybe she likes to save money. I'm sure you throw them out before the expiry date and that's all the instructions say.
Not sure about texting a one night stand... what they got to talk about?.. maybe he's gotten the wrong idea and called up for a date or something, and she's telling him that he's too late.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2012):
Why does she still have them?
Maybe because she forgot about them? Maybe they don’t really mean anything to her and you are making a BFD about nothing?? Maybe she likes the stuff… I DOUBT it’s because it was from her prior partner and she keeps it around to remind her of him…
Why do you have plans to marry a woman that you don’t truly trust or know?
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male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (9 February 2012):
 I agree with the others, no big deal. Nothing sentimental about some lube and condoms. If anything, she should be STD free~!
Good Luck!
Jeff
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2012):
I kept lube and toys I liked between partners.. It did NOT remind me of the partners nor did it mean I wanted them back.. I also have the same shampoo etc… my current partner keeps a butter dish from his last serious girlfriend… and he tells me it’s hers but he loves the butter dish (not the gf) and wants to use it so it’s OUR butter dish now… it’s a plain butter dish and I could just buy a new exact replica but why bother? The butter dish is NOT the gf, it’s just an object.
Maybe she likes the product… if so she can waste money and throw out the partially used container and purchase a new one to use with you….
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should have added that we have plans to marry and who is moving in with me shortly (I am already living with her but we're to move into my house soon) - we have also discussed having a child together. Logic tells me if she is prepared to do all that I have little to be concerned about regarding trust....what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question...hmmm not telling me she has them doesn't answer my question as to why on earth she does still have them and whether I am right in it bothering me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): She didn't tell you she had it, so you don't tell her you found it. Simple as that.
Did you find the phone bill? If not then you could just say "I couldn't find that phone bill today at all, I even checked your drawers and it wasn't there, I hope you don't mind."
No big deal, don't even mention that you saw those things unless she asks you if you did. If she says something like that, just say "yup I saw those, after all that the phone bill was ***** or I still haven't found the phone bill, any ideas?"
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 February 2012):
Call me dumb, but I don't get the commotion about the lube. She did not throw it away because it was not finished. And the condoms because they had not expired. Same as she might have not thrown away a tube of toothpaste that she might have opened the night of her one night stand, or a bottle of cleansing milk , or the underwear she was wearing that day.
I don't see anythinge strange in that. It's just lube !, I don't think it has any romantic meaning, it's not as if you had found a lock of HIS hair in a medallion hanging from her neck.
As for texting furiosly her ex when you were already together, ... that's different, probably it would make me uneasy too. I mean, why texting an ex at all, unless they have stayed regularly and openly just friends , in which case she coulld have texted him right in front of you too.
But, since it only happened once , a few months ago... and yours was a new relationship.. and you have nothing else ( I won't even consider the lube ) to be suspicious about... I think it's really too little to decide that cheating has crossed her mind and I'd give her the benefit of doubt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks but how on earth do I tell her that I found it in her draw??? I really wasn't snooping - I was looking for a Phone Bill I needed to pay, then just stumbled across them :-|
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 February 2012):
I'm sure she also kept the same facial lotion, nail polish... that stuff in the bottle only comes in contact with someones private AFTER it's squeezed out.
One thing though, I do think stuff like that needs to be tossed after the guy/girl you were with is gone, it's not THAT expensive. Same with toy, it might not make sense to everyone, it's just how I feel. And apparently how you feel too? If so, talk to her.
She didn't keep it in hope that he comes back for more "licks". Maybe she just happen to like the flavor or the bottle was barely used?
Having condoms in the nightstand is just GOOD common sense!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, she didn't cheat on me....she had the one night stand a few months before she met me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): Why not? It could come in handy some time. It's not like she kept a vial of his semen or something. Then again add that to the fact that she's still texting her ex, the fact she thinks that may come in handy may in fact be the case that she's keeping it in case she wants to sleep with him again.
OP she cheated on you, is that correct? If so then her still texting that guy is a massive deal and I would dump her without a second though because that means she's still cheating. You don't have to sleep with another person to cheat like. If the situation is as I think it is then I would be gone. In that circumstance you simply cannot trust her.
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