A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I was wondering if you could help me.Why does he keep asking me to be his friends with benefits? I have known him for almost two years though we got closer as friends at the beginning of last year. I fell in love with him but never showed it to him. After 3 months of being friends he asked me if he could kiss me. I asked him if that wouldn't ruin our friendship, but he said no, it would make us closer, we can try and see what happens, and if nothing works out, we can still be friends. Because I loved him, I agreed, and at that moment I thought he might have feelings for me too (love is blind). So we started dating. He was sweet but at the same time confusing. He did tell that he didn't want any relationship at that moment, he was not ready, though he said he liked me, was attracted to me and wish he fell in love with me. I felt like I was just a game for him, and told him my concerns, and at the end of that day he asked me to become his girlfriend. Still I didn't believe that he really cared, once he was talking about his ex of 5 years he called her his girlfriend (he really loved her but she cheated on him with several people). So after 3 weeks of being his girlfriend, I asked him to go back to being only friends even though I loved him more than anything. And he said maybe we can try later. After that we hang out a lot, and he still flirted with me. And told he wanted to kiss me but he didn't because he didn't know how I'll react (I'll explain his fear at the end). Within two months he actually asked me directly to become his friends with benefits, but I said no, he said it'll be fun, but I told him I am not looking for fun, I want to be with someone who will really care and appreciate me. Once our school started in September of 2013, we go to different schools, and we both work, we stopped hanging out, from that point until now I have only seen him twice and both times we hang out with common friends, and I stopped initiating texts (I wouldn't text much before too), he texts me a few times during a month and a lot of the times he leads the conversation to flirting or that some prize I can get is his kiss, or says in an indirect way that he would want to have sex with me, like writing a whole legend where he is a vampire and to be powerful he needs to bite a virgin vampire (me) and that after that he will satisfy all my sexual desires and stuff like that. But he is supportive too, he helps me too, once he spent 4 hours at night to revise my research application essay and he did an amazing job with it. Honestly, there was a point when I was really sick of my feelings for him, and the way he treated me not seriously, that he would text me and sometimes take forever to answer me back, so I just wanted to stop talking to him completely. So when the next time he texted me and I didn't answer him for three days and was not planning to, but he kept texting 'Hi' and I felt I am being impolite so texted him back, and I think after that he started answering me back within reasonable time. But I have been trying to work on me to forget him, to not have feelings for him, sometimes I think It works but not really, deep down I still miss and love him and each time he texts everything in me messes up again.Last time he texted during his spring break, and said it was bad that he was not free during my break (which was 2 weeks before his break) otherwise we would hang out (he brought this excuse once before, like because I was busy or he was busy we couldn't hang out). And I told him I was not asking him to hang out with me so he doesn't need to explain, but he answered he wanted to hang out (seriously!!! If you want to hang out why aren't you asking directly! O_o I think if you want to hang out with someone you can always find time. I personally have a crazy schedule of work and school, but I still find time for my friends. Now he texted me 2 days ago, and took the conversation to the way, that he was asking me if we could hang out, cuddle and make out, we didn't have to have sex, we could make out without cloths. One thing about him after his break up with his ex he has not had sex with anyone since 2010. He told me this before we started dating. He concentrated on his school. I told him he can find someone who'll agree to have sex with him or meet someone he'll wait until she is ready. Once I said it, he asked me if I would agree to do it with him. And he said and I believe he is right, that he can easily find a girl to have sex with but he doesn't want just any girl, he wants it to be me, he wants to have fun with me. I told him that I don't want that. I told him, he wants to do it for fun, and that I want to be with someone who will appreciate me and love me for who I am. He asked if I need to be in a very serious relationship with someone to do what he was suggesting, I said yes. And he said he likes me and appreciates me (doesn't seem like that to me :( ) and doesn't want to lose my friendship, but he doesn't want to be in relationship, he is scarred of commitment and he is not ready to have a family or have a baby right now (and I didn't mention anything about marriage or babies), he just wants to have fun right now. I told him I don't want to be married or have a baby right now and do not want to be in relationship now (I am concentrating in school and to let you know I am gonna apply to math grad school in Fall. Wish me good luck:)!! ). And I told him, which I have never told him before, I said I have never liked anyone as much as I like you, but I don't want to be in that kind of relationship with you, because if I were to do it, I would fall for him so hardly that I would never recover, but now I at least have a chance to get over him. And he answered he didn't know I liked him much. Then since it was already 1am in the morning, we said good night and this was all.One extra thing about me, which might help you to understand my situation is, I am a virgin, he was the first guy who kissed me, (and he knows all these), he knows I have never let any guy close to me, never dated anyone, he was the first one, and I am 24 years old (I have always been into school and my books too much :)), and I would never let him kiss me if I didn't love him. And I don't understand why he keeps asking me to be his friends with benefits, he knows I am a virgin, he knows I am saving myself, he knows as much as it is possible I want only one man to touch me, and he doesn't want to be that man, but he keeps asking me. Why? Thank you so much and I am sorry it's so long!
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fell in love, flirt, friend with benefits, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Thank you too @wise-guy. And the sad thing is he was one of the fewest people in my life I trusted more than anything. I guess that's why I couldn't keep believing that he could treat me like this. I was naive and inexperienced otherwise I wouldn't even let him approach me for the first time. And none of my guy friends (most of them are also his friends) ever treated me like he has been, everyone loves and respects me, and none of them even know that he has done this to me and they would be really surprised to know about his suggestion to me. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Thanks a lot for your feedback @Honeypie. I actually stopped initiating texts for a long time, and we never ever talk on the phone, it's just texting after we stopped hanging out. And I deactivated my Facebook for awhile because of him, but then had to reopen it for school related group, but I was lucky because he had deactivated his Facebook while I was not there. So the only thing that connects us are his texts, and I'll stop answering those as well and move on with my life :)
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A
male
reader, wise-guy  +, writes (28 April 2014):
You sound like a lovely girl. And I am very sad to read your problem. It shouldn't be a problem at all. He should respect your Good for you for sticking to your feelings on this one! I know some girls who would just agree to the arrangement and be unhappy in hopes that the guy might change and want to be with them - It never works like that
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 April 2014):
 You might have thought you HID your feelings really well, but he figured that out fast and took advantage.
The guy is a user. He wants to have a "virgin" notch in his bedpost.
Why wait for HIM to not talk to you any more? It's not like he is a REAL friend anyways. Just drop him and move on.
There IS no reason to keep talking to him. ALL he wants is to have sex and walk away. ALL YOU want is for him to like you, and you already knows he doesn't give a hoot about your feelings.
Stop texting and calling him (if you have him on FB then delete and block) - IF he gets in touch with you just tell him you don't think being friends is a good idea anymore - if you CAN'T tell him that then just slowly let it run it's course. That means don't text back right away, don't hang out, don't met up. BE unavailable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): Thanks a lot everyone for taking your time to answer. And all of you are right, he doesn't care about me at all or being my friend. Deep down I guess I knew this for a long time. However, have been blind by my feelings toward him. You all are right. Next time he tries to flirt or convince me to be his f.w.b., I'll make sure he understands that we can't continue being 'friends' like that. If he leaves and never contacts me again, better for me!! Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2014):
 Why ?... Erm, because he does not give a fuck about what you want, but cares about what he wants, i.e. getting laid after a draught of 4 years ( ! )? because he feels that if he insists enough soon he'll convince you, since you haven't been firm and final enough in rejecting his avances, but you have been doing the equivalent of a Victorian character wringing her hands in her lace handkerchief , whispering " Aww sir, but why me "., bosom heaving with titillation ?.
Look, you should not even care about the why, if there was a why other than his horniness and self centeredness. Because , whatever his reason is , he still is very clear about just wanting fun, very casual fun, and you want to be in a committed relationship with someone who's in love with you.
So, you don't want the same thing at all, ergo either you convince him once for all that no means NO, en oh NO. Or, you cut at once any contacts with him if he does not behave. Which, btw, it's an excellent way to see if his "friendship " is real, or finalized to acquiring himself a much coveted thing : your virginity .( He seems to get a particular kick out of knowing he' d be "seducing " a virgin ). In the first case, he'd understand , stop flirting, stop asking something which is not right for you, and would really act as a friend. In the second, .. you'd see him and his friendship vanish into thin air, because he is mainly, or only, interested in you as a possible new notch on his bedpost.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 April 2014):
 He is not interested in being your friend, or having a relationship with you, he only wants to have sex. And he thinks that by keeping on at you about it he will wear down your defences.
This man is not your friend, stop interacting with him unless you are willing to be used as a handy hole for him to stick his old fella in, because that is all you mean to him.
Cut contact and ignore him if you see him face to face, we all deserve better than that!
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