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Why do men think its alright to comment on a woman's nether regions?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2017) 17 Answers - (Newest, 15 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

This is probably more of a rant than anything, but what is up with some men thinking it's ok to comment on the look of a woman's vagina/vulva?! Whether it's not neat enough, 'beef curtains', too hairy, it 'looks loose'... the list goes on!

My most recent ex was convinced I've slept around because I have longer labia minora, and despite my attempts to show him evidence to the contrary, he never believed me.

My other long term ex 'kindly' informed me that there is surgery I could get to make it look more 'normal' - read: more like the tucked in look porn stars usually have. He wasn't bothered that I actually get a lot of pleasure out of that area of my body or I think it's the reason I can come through intercourse alone unlike many other women. No, in his mind it was something that needed fixed.

I just don't understand it. It seems to be commonly accepted, and rightly so, that it would be seriously cruel to comment on a man's penis in any sort of negative way. So why do these guys think it's ok to pass comment, express disappointment or even try to dictate how our down-belows should look?!

I know it's not all men but I am seeing an increase in this sort of thing both through conversations with my friends and online. So guys, what gives?

View related questions: porn, vagina

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017):

I didn't read the other replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating. You've had the misfortune of dating jerks. It's one thing to gently suggest you hit the gym to get in better shape, but to suggest surgery for a non-issue? Wow, that is very rude.

As to why more guys do this, we can only guess, but maybe the increased accessibility of porn and sites like 'rate my vagina'?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2017):

Men in general these days do think it's ok to comment on any part of a woman's body either positively or bag stubbly because of the ridiculously huge amount of demeaning and abusive porn freely available with the Internet

The world we live in has always been mysogynistic but now it's become sadly, considered 'cool' to be a woman hater and degrade women

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (24 July 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Do they ?!

I see it like Ciar. Must be the company you keep. Imprudent, or simply , unlucky choice of associates.

What you mention never happened to me or anybody I know, and while I do prefer , and try to, hang out with civilized people with a decent level of education, manners and intelligence, by no means I only have dealt with dainty aristocrats and I have met my fair share of rough around the edges individuals. Who knows , maybe they make this kind of comments in the locker room or during boys' nights out, but never in my face , or in the face of anybody I have known.

So, I don't think this behaviour has come to be seen as socially acceptable, or normal,by and large. I think you have been very unlucky in your choices- or maybe, not selective enough.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (24 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntAnyone who can make you feel as though something is wrong with you when you're perfectly happy with yourself needs to get lost!

It's rude and insensitive commenting on someone's genitalia. I find it utterly disrespectful.

Guaranteed if you had commented on his penis, he would have took offense so what makes him feel like it's ok to do that to someone else.

Look OP, as long as you feel that you look amazing down there, any guy who thinks different does not deserve to be with you. It is a major red flag in my book.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (23 July 2017):

I'd like to add that I have never uttered a word of negativity about a woman's body parts, I don't think those details matter, I was just making a guess about these guys you're dating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017):

You hit the nail on the head (hehehe)....

"It seems more like we are not living up to the expectations of some modern men and they think the problem lies with us rather than their attitudes."

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A male reader, Darshan  India +, writes (23 July 2017):

Darshan  agony auntThe cause of sex pleasure is not shape of body, but most people, particularly, men are stupid, first about size of penis, and later size about breast and vagina etc.

So far modeling and acting is concerned, shape is used as a language, like long men, short and fatty...but here it is only language, system of symbol, it has no science.

Scientifically sex pleasure depend of one's cognitive ability, to understand what make sex pleasure best....

Intelligent couple can manage their sex life pleasurable, the way they make their daily food tasty, with knowledge and skilled.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say If I were you I would FROM NOW ON - view those kinds of comments as a red flag and the guy who uttered it a "no longer having dating or relationship material".

Does it mean a guy can't THINK these things? No. He can think whatever. Doesn't mean he needs to criticize or "rate" your nether regions out loud.

While I do think it has something to do with all the "nude shots", porn, manga and what have you - I also think it's a TOTAL cop out of a guy pleads ignorance on the FACT that EVERY woman is an individual with individual body parts. JUST like men are individuals with individual body parts.

I think ANY man who does this has SOME security of his own. About HIS penis not being the best thing since sliced bread. Criticizing a partner on body parts they can not change (without plastic surgery) is ridiculous. Most women do NOt have even breast sizes. And once you have nursed a kid or two they are DEFINITELY not even EVER again. The whole - OMG the girl doesn't look like a Barbie doll below 24/7 with no hair due to having DARK hair - it's ridiculous. And again, if a guy said some shit like that to me I'd laugh and give him his walking papers or I'd grow a full on BUSH.

How you look below the belly button is how you look. Accept it, appreciate it and learn to NOT give a flying fart what some "guy" thinks.

You SEEM to understand and know that talking crap about a guy's penis is not appropriate either, so presuming that a guy can think like that too isn't beyond the realm of expectations and DECENCY.

If a guy expects the "perfect" looking crotch (or rather HIS idea of what such a thing looks like) on his partner and criticizes you for not having that, WISH him well and kick him to the curb.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017):

On the flip side, my boyfriend is in LOVE with my vagina. He said it's esthetically perfect and my lips look like a tulip and my clit is just like a rose petal. And he goes on about it too. Said he has never seen a more beautiful vagina. I was a virgin when I met him. He likes it shaved so that he can see how perfect it is, according to him. He even gave my vagina a name!! He says more than the look of it, he loves how it feels, how he feels inside me and how much pleasure he gives me when he is inside me. So, I guess some guys get hang ups about it. Mine is all good. I have no problem with it unless of course it was negative!

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (22 July 2017):

YouWish agony auntWell, I'd say that in your case, it's because you're choosing the wrong men to be with, because the vast majority of men are just happy to have access to a vagina, and society still considers negative discussion of one to be inappropriate.

Martin Lawrence got banned for life from the variety show Saturday Night Live for including in his monologue a rant about female genital hygiene, and he went into serious detail about what he found off about different types of vaginas. His monologue has never been aired again after the initial live recording, and any subsequent re-runs remove most of the monologue, inserting a crawl about how it got him banned and cost many people their jobs to allow it to air.

Truthfully, why people have to be cruel to each other about body parts, clothing, hair, or anything else deemed imperfect or unacceptable is a sad thing. We have to be kind to each other, and you should find men who are much more kind. If a guy is that entitled that he can criticize a woman's body that he's intimate with, then he deserves lifelong celibacy, the same for a woman who can emasculate a man cruelly without thought or empathy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017):

I have never had my parts commented on nor my friends. I don't know where you are finding these guys but they sound like pretty ignorant types

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017):

I think it is because porn and tinder culture is so widespread now. Not saying porn didn't exist before, but it was limited to probably occasional use for most people. Now porn can be looked at all the time (cuz of computers), and apps like tinder have men rating the appearance of women daily. I think these things get them into a mindset of objectifying women. I don't think it is healthy at all.

Also plastic surgery of all these body parts you mention is so much more common that the men may actually think the norm is to be perfectly symmetrical, etc. etc. esp as they see it in actresses and pornstars (and don't realize it is fake).

Just keep looking for a good man who doesn't do this. It's a sad world when we have come to this.

A final thought is that maybe part of the criticism you received was actually based on the man's insecurity (i.e. thinking you slept around because you looked a certain way...maybe he was afraid he wouldn't compare or "measure up" to all your experience and that his penis would seem small to you). So he was paranoid and decided to criticize to hide his own flaws. Either way it sounds like these guys had issues.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (22 July 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI actually refrain from commenting on hairstyles as well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Something to think about Ciar, but I'm not sure it's the whole problem. I tend to go for the shy, polite type of guys (imagine Eddie Redmayne as a high school history teacher and you have my ex) which is the opposite to most of my friends yet we all have similar issues. My friend's current boyfriend has commented on her uneven breasts and the fact she struggles to get a completely clean shaven look due to her almost black hair.

It seems more like we are not living up to the expectations of some modern men and they think the problem lies with us rather than their attitudes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks CMMP. I do get that men tie their self worth to their penis, but surely any half decent person understands that criticising someone else's genitalia is likely to hurt them and/or make them feel self conscious? I mean it's a vulnerable position to be in, being naked in front of someone else, I'd never dream of making someone feel bad about that much less suggest they should undergo surgery! But then again I wouldn't comment negatively on or try to change a person's hairstyle either... :)

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (22 July 2017):

Ciar agony auntI'd say it was the company you keep. This kind of low class behaviour isn't limited to unsolicited comments about your lady parts.

And they're not much different from women, and there are plenty out there, who think that because of their gender and their 'good intentions' that they can 'kindly' offer their opinions about other women's breasts.

Pay closer attention to the other clues they give you about who they are, learn how to deal with them and whom to cut loose.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (22 July 2017):

It's a sexist double standard, but another reason is that guys have tied the size and effectiveness of their penis to their self worth much more so than other body part on a man or woman.

A man probably feels he can comment on a woman's body parts because it's not that big of deal to them, the way a vagina looks is relatively unimportant, so commenting on it probably feels to them similar to commenting on your hairstyle.

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