A
female
age
36-40,
*rimsonRose
writes:I been off and on with my first love for 19 yrs. In the past he dated other girls and would come running back to me when the relationships failed, I went back each time I think I just wanted closure because I kept asking him lots of questions about the other girls, He told me the reason he dated them was to make me jealous or if he heard a rumor i was sleeping with someone he would do the same thing, he told me once he was using them to make me jealous and he was tired of us fighting all the time and I told him we wouldn't have to fight if I could trust him more or not feel like an option to him or I have to beg for his attention when his attention was giving to other girls and not me. After we both left high school he started seeing his ex again he dated when i was in 10th and he was in 11th they was off and on and when the relationship didn't work he'd come back to me, he started using me for intercourse so he only came around when he was horny pretending he wanted me back. By this time he was turning into an alcoholic and had a bad attitude problem he was a major prick. Then I found out he was smoking weed and got arrested for it.A Year later he found out his other ex moved back to town and he started seeing her (she was married) and they were sleeping together and he started getting into sniffing pain killers and doing other drugs, she was into cocaine and heroine so Im sure he used it too. After she choose her husband over him she moved away and he started wanting me back so I went back to him we stayed together and it seemed to be working out with us, then he ghosted me, he stopped texting me or calling me, I went on vacation for a few months and when I came back I tried reaching out to him and found out he was Married he got Married on day 4 of my Vacation....what a prick. They stayed Married for a Year and she divorced him. I knew about the divorce since the ex-wife contacted me on facebook and told me what she was planning on doing to him and I guess he didn't know she was talking to me. I was shocked.He wasn't even divorced and he started talking to me on facebook acting like we were best friends telling me he's getting divorced, wondering how I am doing, and what i been up too etc etc so I wrote him back and really gave it to him I told him off, I told him to never speak to me again and I was done with him. I didn't speak to him for a whole Year. A Year went by with nc until his ex wife wanted me to rely a message to him for her so I told one of his friends to give him the message instead the friend told him I wanted to talk to him and he confessed to this person he still loved me and had feelings for me, a few days later he writes me on facebook and I rely the message to him, we start talking he asks how my life is going, confesses to me he still loves me and has feelings for me, we start talking a lot like old friends, he says he wants me back and he has changed, he no longer does drugs he went to rehab for it, so I take him back (stupid me) we were together for 4 months and I just couldn't do it anymore I started blaming him for cheating on me, blaming him for talking to his ex wife behind my back and we broke up. A few months later he messages me on facebook and says he wants me back, he still loves me...I ignore the messages, before I realize it a Year has went by he still messages me and I don't reply.A few months ago he messages me on facebook again he confesses his undying love to me, apologizes for all the hurt he caused me, says he hates himself for what he done to me, he still loves me and has feelings for me, he wants me back etc, I reply to him and remind him of the stuff he done to me in the past how he always went back to his exes when we broke up, how he got Married, he cheated on me. So I said to him "I bet if one of your exes wanted you back it would be a different story." and he said "I don't want nothing to do with my exes, I want you and only you." All of his exes has moved on or they're married. A few days after he realizes I want nothing to do with him he adds one of his exes to facebook she's now single she was married, anyways, I write him asking him about it "I thought you wanted nothing to do with your exes. Why did you add her?" He said "We are just friends." I said "You told me you wanted nothing to do with your exes. Why now? Is it because she's single and you think she'll take you back?" He said "I told you I want you and only you." It made me so mad I blocked him on facebook, I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 months. I'm done. I put up with his crap long enough, I kept handing him more bullets for his gun and he kept shooting me in the back each time I went back to him, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat I was crying myself to sleep...I got tired of all of it and I said "enough is enough." It's been almost 14 months since I spoke to him. A few Years ago he found out he has Leukemia. My question is: What do you think of this? Why did I put up with him for so long? I know I'm stupid for dealing with him but I loved him or maybe I just wanted closure I'll never know. I was tired of always feeling like I had to compete with the other girls for his attention, it's not healthy. Plz explain this to me, Why did he do these awful things to me?
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alcoholic, best friend, broke up, cheated on me, divorce, drugs, ex-wife, facebook, his ex, horny, jealous, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 July 2019):
 Why did you put up with it?
Because YOU got something out of this. Maybe not what you had HOPED to get out of it, but something nevertheless.
Drama, excitement, heartache, big ups and big downs.
I think that you equate DRAMA and games with deep feelings. Or perhaps that you USED to equate drama and games with deep feelings. In the sense that IF he crated drama and havoc in your life, it MUST have meant he cares. However, it really doesn't. Maybe you are finally seeing that?
As for WHY he did these awful things "to you"... that one is easier. BECAUSE you let him. After he was an ass the first time, you didn't say, NO more. You went for round 2 and 3 and 4.... thinking that HE must CARE for you to continue to come back to you. Instead of saying, NO, I WILL NOT let a guy treat me this way. Then block, cut all contact and move on.
The age old "but I love him" is bullshit. It doesn't JUSTIFY someone to treat you like shit because you LOVE them. You NEED to let go of that notion.
STOP wasting your time on a guy who isn't WORTHY of your affections and heart.
How much time have you ALREADY wasted on this guy? Time you could have spend with a guy WHO would have treated you right? THAT is on you. And THAT is for you to change but NO longer wasting your time on him. That includes thinking about WHY he did XYZ or said this or that... HE should NOT matter any more. (except as an example of what kind of guy to NEVER date again)
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 July 2019):
 The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome. Sound familiar? It's like reading the same book over and over again and expecting a different ending. It's the SAME book; the ending will be the SAME. If you want a different ending, you need to read a different book.
I am actually not at all convinced you have finished with him yet. Why mention the leukemia? Do you think that may change him into the person you want/need him to be? Let me tell you, my friend: NOTHING has changed. He's still a lying cheating a$$hole. Just because he is ill does not make him a better human being.
It appears all he has to do is tell you he has "feelings" for you and you roll over and take him back. Next time he spins you this pathetic line (because it IS just a line), ask yourself THIS: where were these "feelings" of his when you were crying yourself to sleep? I'll tell you EXACTLY where they were: between the legs of some other woman.
Words are cheap. Watch people's ACTIONS. He has shown (time and time and time again) by his ACTIONS that he does NOT love you and that he is not to be trust. BELIEVE HIM when he keeps showing you this. Stop expecting him to change.
IF (and that is a big IF) you have finally had the sense to stop letting him run your life, it is none of your business who he has as a friend on Facebook. It is none of your business who he is bedding or what he is drinking/smoking. Stay away from him. The guy is toxic. He plays you like a yoyo because YOU allow it. You are worth better. TRY to remember that next time he spins you his line about having "feelings".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2019): Because you was taken in by his bullshit of 'i love you' and him repeatedly saying it. If he really did he would not have treated you how he did, he would have realised he loved you long ago, would never have had several girlfriends and almost certainly wouldn't have dragged it on for so long...in the name of love. You kept on opening up an old wound, maybe because you wanted what you couldn't have, maybe you thought you could change him, maybe you clung onto this 'first love' being something more than what it was. A lot of us have been on your shoes and you get that moment of knowing who you are dealing with and what you really mean to them, you seemed to have ignored all the red flags that he was waving very clearly in your face. Move on and keep him blocked, sorry but you have wasted enough years on this man.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2019):
 ...Because you let him.
I mean, after the second or third time, it must not have come as a major surprise, right ?, that he only came back to you when the " good ones " were taken or unavailable, and that you were his official plan B. You must have started seeing a pattern developping there,I guess ?
Nevertheless, you kept responding, and reacting to him.
Of all the long story, the only part that makes sense to me is " it made me so mad that I blocked him on Facebook " Halleluja ! Now, if you had blocked him 5, or 10 or 15 years ago- if you had just ghosted him same as he ghosted you- you wuld have saved yourself a lot of heartache and a lot of superfluous drama. ( Why did you have to talk to his ex wife , for instance ? or to his friends ? or to convey to him messages from third parties ? ) Ok, often we need to learn a life lesson , and, until we haven't learned it, we'll keep facing the same old obstacles and falling in the same old traps…. But being a fast rather than a slow learner, is a personal responsibility. Being aware, switched on, keeping your eyes open, protecting your heart, mental health and interests, is a personal responsibility. Your privilege, and your duty. No need to be paranoid, yet you cannot just blithely assume that everybody will love and cherish and respect you- just because they say so ( and when their actions totally belie their words ! ) Particularly, I want to add, in case of cocaine users and heroine users, who aren't generally famous for their relialibility, correctness and unselfishness !
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