A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé has 3 children, 21, 23 and 26. They still live at home. Her children want the ex husband to come for Christmas Day lunch at her house. He will not come if I am there. They have been divorced 10 years. She is now telling me she won't override their wish. I need to stay away. I was going to fly 5000 miles to be there.My answer is that they can go and have Christmas with him, but I should not be precluded from spending the day with her?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 December 2014):
 I would not be OK with this. AT ALL.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 December 2014):
 Thank you for answering my questions, they certainly alter my point of view.
Something weird is happening here, her ex husband or kids are manipulating her and the others are complicit in that. I think after a 5 year relationship they should all know that you are here to stay.
Why is your fiance allowing this to happen, does she think she will never see her kids again if she doesn't give in? Is she being bullied by her family or is she just weak willed, taking the easy route?
Are you sure she is as committed to your relationship as you are. Maybe that's the big question.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014): There is no history between us. They have been divorced 10 years. I have known her 5 years.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2014):
 So because HE won't come if YOU are there and his GROWN (well how grown is a 26 yr old that still lives at home) children are making demands she gives in?
I sense some serious red flags here.
How long have you been dating?
how often do you see each other?
how long have you been engaged?
I disagree that you should stay away. this is a pissing contest between two men... I'd talk to her and ask her if her life is in the past with a man she divorced or if it's in the present and future with the man she's engaged to.
IF she still picks him, I'd end the engagement as you will always be second to the father of her grown children.
My kids are now 28 and 30 they were 3 and 5 when their dad and I split up. IF my kids tried that crap with me and their father said "I won't come if you are happily having your future husband there" I would say "oh well maybe next year you can grow a pair and behave as an adult" and I'd still do what I want.
that's my POV. tread carefully in this family dynamic.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2014):
So because HE won't come if YOU are there and his GROWN (well how grown is a 26 yr old that still lives at home) children are making demands she gives in?
I sense some serious red flags here.
How long have you been dating?
how often do you see each other?
how long have you been engaged?
I disagree that you should stay away. this is a pissing contest between two men... I'd talk to her and ask her if her life is in the past with a man she divorced or if it's in the present and future with the man she's engaged to.
IF she still picks him, I'd end the engagement as you will always be second to the father of her grown children.
My kids are now 28 and 30 they were 3 and 5 when their dad and I split up. IF my kids tried that crap with me and their father said "I won't come if you are happily having your future husband there" I would say "oh well maybe next year you can grow a pair and behave as an adult" and I'd still do what I want.
that's my POV. tread carefully in this family dynamic.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 December 2014):
How long has she been your fiance? How long since the breakup / divorce. Have all her children met you? Why wont he go if you are there, is there history between you?
The answers to these questions would give a broader picture which would allow us to give a more detailed answer/
Sadly your response to the issue doesn't help your fiance, who probably wants to see her kids for Christmas, and after all that is what Christmas is all about isn't it, families and children and family traditions.
You might just have to accept that this Christmas you wont be spending with her ......... you could change your travel plans to arrive for Christmas dinner, or Boxing Day.
The ex husband and father of those children might have a very good reason for not wanting to be in the same house as you, or if he hasnt even met you he could simply be being bloody minded because he can.
Maybe your fiance has only been divorced from the father for a relative short time, and once they all have time to adjust to the changes in the family dynamics they could come round.
Once you and she are actually married you will have more say in how Christmas happens, but I would hope you will be magnanimous enough to let the ex husband know you recognise the importance of special days and tradition to families and that he will ALWAYS be welcome in your home, whatever the occasion. Be the bigger man, it will only win you brownie points.
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