A
female
age
51-59,
*ister1959
writes:Who comes first in a marriage, the spouse or the adult children? I've heard this debated so many times and no one seems to have a clear answer. Being a Christian, I believe the marriage comes first. My husband thinks the children do.I am my husband's second wife and I have never had children. I love his kids, but do not have the bond of blood with them that he does. His kids are 29, 28 and 25. All have wives and kids of their own. They are fantastic people and I would care for them even if I wasn't married to their father. The problem lies more in the way that their dad treats them.He constantly wants to do things for them and the grandchildren (of which there are 5). This involves time and money. The kids do not ask for things.......he wants to do it and volunteers. I love my husband for his generous and giving spirit and for the deep love he has for his kids.However, I do resent that he does not take the same interest in our marriage and me. We have things around home that need to be done and he often monitors the money I spend on myself. If that money was being spent on the kids, it would be no object.Last night, he had a few beers and was talking quite honestly and openly with me. He told me that he had always wanted the best for his kids and even though they are adults with families of their own, he can't seem to stop doing for them. He said he knew that as his wife, I should be his top priority, but he can't stop thinking of his kids first. I really didn't know what to say to all this. He basically confirmed everything that I have suspected. How can I accept this? I always envisioned a marriage where it would be him and me against the world. I know my husband loves me but I often wonder if his kids had never left home if he would have even sought out a mate. They seem to be his life and I am his partner who he wants to feel the same way about them that he does. I can't. I want things for us. I want to improve our home and our life. I feel the kids are grown and all have good jobs and skills.......thanks to their dad's teaching and good example. They need his love and will always need it but they don't need all his time and money. And I don't think they want it. He just feels it's his duty to provide it. From what I have learned both from him and the kids, my husband's first wife and the kids' mother was quite selfish and he has had to look after the kids' needs since they were small. His mother told me that he would get up early before work and fix food for the kids so they would have something to eat for the day because their mother often never bothered. This job of "provider" is deeply ingrained.Can he ever learn to "let go" (even just a little???) and focus on us? If so, how can I steer him in the right direction without seeming selfish and domineering?
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female
reader, Samii  + ♥, writes (23 June 2009):
 Your kids should always come first regardless of thier age. when you agree to have them, you agree to best by them for the rest of thier lives. whether you are the childrens mother or not they still come first. I think that if you were a mother yourself you would understand. xx
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 June 2009):
 Amen, Sister.
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A
female
reader, Sister1959 +, writes (22 June 2009):
Sister1959 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also realize that having no children, I am in a minority. This is nothing new....it's always been that way. I didn't choose to not have children, I was just never blessed with any of my own. Down through the years, I've been looked upon as someone who just doesn't understand parenthood. I've been told that by mothers, in fact. And, I guess that's true. Those of you who have children were blessed by God.....some of us were not. So, please do not lump us all into a selfish group of people who simply did not want children. Because that is unfair.
Still in all, whether I have children or not, does not change my perception of how a marriage was intended by God. Yes, I'm starting the Christian thing again. Marriage is sacred. There is nothing wrong with loving your children, in fact, there is something quite wrong with you, if you don't. Same thing in providing for them.
I realize this comment will draw a lot of controversy but I'm going to say it anyway. I think if more parents put their marriage first, there would be less divorce, the children would learn from example and their marriages would be happier. And, I think if more parents stopped putting their children before their marriages, the children themselves would learn more respect and perhaps the world wouldn't be full of a bunch of selfish, disrespectful, lazy kids. Sorry.......it's just my opinion.
Seems to me that so many people have their priorities totally screwed up. Love your children........ALWAYS love your children but treat your marriages as sacred. I can't help but wonder how many of you who said to put the children first are divorced. If you are, do you think you did your children a service by that?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 June 2009):
I think you are totally right. My husband and I were fortunate enough to raised our three children together as a united front. None of that "wait till your Dad gets home" crap. Sure we (the parents) would go without on occasion so a child could have a special birthday present that wasn't in the budget but it always was Dad who got the biggest piece of chicken, I made sure of that. Now that the kids are grown they get help on occasion but never if it in anyway takes away from either my husband or myself. We have earned it, pure and simple. I think your husband has some underlying issues and spending his time and money is his way of dealing with it. I also think outside counseling would be a great benefit to your marriage, I hope he agrees to go with you.
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A
female
reader, Sister1959 +, writes (22 June 2009):
Sister1959 is verified as being by the original poster of the question If my husband's children were young, I would be the biggest cheerleader he would have in providing for their needs. I've always been a "motherly" type although I have never been a mother. However, i am not talking about their needs. Or actually even their wants. They are all financially capable of taking care of those themselves. It's my husbands needs and wants. He has an overwhelming need and want to do things for his children. I, myself, had great parents. They took care of my needs and most of my wants until I became an Adult (adult is the key word here). If I needed help as an adult, they were more than willing to help me. "Need" is another key word.
These kids don't need the help nor most times, do I think they particularly want it. I honestly think they see the situation clearer than he does. He still sees them as little kids.
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A
female
reader, Sister1959 +, writes (22 June 2009):
Sister1959 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your helpful replies. To clarify a point to "oldersitter". I guess I did not make myself clear.....I am not financially dependant on my husband. I work full time. All our money is together. If I buy something new for myself, he seems to think I am "wasting" money yet he loves buying things for the kids and money is no object. Also, I will not get into a religious debate but the Bible clearly states that when a couple are joined together in marriage, they become as "one". Children are a bonus. They are to be loved and cared for. Then, when they leave their mother and father, they become as one with their spouse. No love is lost......but priorities change. They have to.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (22 June 2009):
 You brought your children into the world... they're your flesh and blood. To say that God wants you to put them second is just not right. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I don't understand why people think it's the Christian way to put your spouse over your children.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (21 June 2009):
 Wow, tough question! I do agree with Danielepew, he should not be "enabling" his adult children financially, especially when they don't need it. I definitely agree with you that this is money that should be spent on either improvements in your own home, your retirement, or going on vacations together. This is something that needs to be corrected! It may take a marriage counselor, an objective 3rd party, to get him to see this.
Grandkids are a different story and deserve unconditional love/time and I know my grandparents love to spoil my son and I don't stop them. Grandchildren are a huge source of joy for any grandparent and I would not at all interfere with this. Your husband is reaping the rewards from all the time and energy he spent on being a great provider and yes, that is deeply engrained, and should not be taken away.
"Being a Christian, I believe the marriage comes first."- being a "parent", Christian or not, that statement really bothers me. I would not respond well, as a mother devoted to her son, to someone that said this to me. It would actually infuriate me if I had a spouse that had no children say those words. Being a parent, no one comes between me and my child. I'm not saying this to be harsh on you, I'm saying it because if you have used this on your husband, I can only imagine his reaction, expressed or not. Don't go there. I know you mean well and I know you are feeling neglected, but I would suggest you not use God to make your point.
With that being said, I do think you sound like a wonderful woman who is genuinely trying to find a solution to your problem without being selfish and you have some valid points and what you want and expect is reasonable. Your husband himself has already admitted that he knows you should be his top priority so that's a positive step. I think you can't expect everything at once or things to change overnight but I do think a good start would be for him to stop enabling his adult children and that's where you should start- if you can't get him to see this, then go to a counselor.
Just another idea, but you said he monitors how you spend money on yourself? I get the idea you are financially dependent on him? How about taking on a part-time job that you actually get enjoyment out of so you have a little less resentment and also something for yourself outside of just your marriage. I kinda get the idea that apart from your marriage, you aren't really passionate about anything where he has his kids/grandkids that he's passionate about. Just a thought! May help balance things out a bit. My stepmom has no kids (she's in her mid 50's) and she'll work part time at the ski resort and also takes some classes she's interested at the local college while my dad loves to hunt and fish. They are both equally passionate about their grandchild, my son, even though he's not her "blood" relation. I think he can be more involved and passionate about your marriage and I think you can become more involved and passionate about your grandkids (their yours too!) Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (21 June 2009):
 Reading your post, I can see that what you're really asking is who should be first: you, or his sons and daughters. I believe that many, many people would not hesitate to say that the sons and daughters should come first. Imagine what would happen if the children were yours, and you considered that your first obligation were not towards him. That would sound very bad, wouldn't it?
That said, I think you made a mistake in your choice of question. Your husband, if he's any sensitive, has to devote interest to all, sons and daughters, on the one hand, and wife, on the other. He should not neglect you. And you're very, very right on that one.
I also think we need to define what "let go" means. I'm afraid that many parents, or people who play the role of such, never "let go", if by that you mean caring about their sons and daughters. My grandfather, who was not exactly a model father, gave me some sensitive but hard-to-take advice when he was literally on his way to the operating room. He knew very well that there was a possibility that he wouldn't come out alive, yet he found the time to worry about me. This is one of the things I can never forget about the grandpa, and rightly so.
If "let go" means letting the sons and daughters function as adults, which means letting them get into trouble and find their own way out of it, then yes, he should do that.
I believe that you have to let him see that he's neglecting you, and that you, too, need his care and affection.
I hope you will get that from him.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (21 June 2009):
 Hi,i absulutelty understand what you are feeling right now. this is really a hard thing youre dealing right now.
if im on the position im gonna get crazy i guess. of course he will always love his children and the grand children. but as what you say this children is not anymore a children they are all grown up and already in a stable life. i think this is the time now for you to talk to him and ask him, what is the reason for your marriage then! if he always do the unnecessary responsibilities to his children. I think this is the time for you and him to do your own life. enjoying the time together, helping each other what is need to be done in the house etc. but most of all" he marry you,. you are his wife., i guess you are now suppose to be his first majority in life. talk to him and make things clear about this matter. I will not put my self into to much responsabilities which normally not mine anymore. if i can help i will do" but everybody had their limits.Goodluck dearest...
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (21 June 2009):
 Kids come first, as soon as a child is born its parents must do anything humanly possible to protect and provide for it, x
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