A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now. We see each other about every 6 weeks, and the longest stretch was 3 weeks in a row. I thought he was everything I was looking for sweet, kind, loving, smart, funny...ect., but now I am starting to have doubts. Our main issues is that sometime I feel he is too clingy/needy. If he doesn't hear from me for a while it bothers him. It's like I have to check in with him. Sometimes I want to be left alone, and go to the other room and surf the net or do things to unwind...but he feels i am creating distance between us. He is always fearful that our love/connection will dissolve if we are not doing stuff together all the time. I've had thoughts of breaking up with him, and one time I did. But he talked me into getting back together because of the chemistry we have together. He adores my daughter like his own, and she him. My problem, is he planning to move to my city by October. (Me on East coast/him on west) I am so scared of taking this step. I am a divorced single mom used to living alone and taking care of myself. He is younger by 7 years and still trying to make a career/name for himself. (poor)I do love him because he has a kind loving soul, but is that enough to build a life together? If I walk away from him, I know it will break his heart. But when he gets needy, all i want to do is be alone. I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your response. I think the problem is with me. I think I'm afraid of intimacy due to my past. We have spoken about it many times, we are trying to meet halfway. i guess running has always been my defense mechanism for dealing with feelings or emotions too strong to deal with. Before he came along, i dated about two years and met so many jerks that I knew he was the one for me when we met. We just hit it off right away. The thing is he tried to give me my space, and that is when I realize i miss him. I guess have issues i have to deal with. At the end of the day, I met a man that loves my daughter, treats me good, and loves and care for me deeply. I know i have to learn to accept that, because I'm not use to it. He always says people search their whole life looking for what we have. And I guess my mind somehow finds a way to distance from that to get my independence. Everybody i love has let me down and I realize I never want to depend on him in any way shape or form. thanks guys
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your response. I think the problem is with me. I think I'm afraid of intimacy due to my past. We have spoken about it many times, we are trying to meet halfway. i guess running has always been my defense mechanism for dealing with feelings or emotions too strong to deal with. Before he came along, i dated about two years and met so many jerks that I knew he was the one for me when we met. We just hit it off right away. The thing is he tried to give me my space, and that is when I realize i miss him. I guess have issues i have to deal with. At the end of the day, I met a man that loves my daughter, treats me good, and loves and care for me deeply. I know i have to learn to accept that, because I'm not use to it. He always says people search their whole life looking for what we have. And I guess my mind somehow finds a way to distance from that to get my independence. Everybody i love has let me down and I realize I never want to depend on him in any way shape or form. thanks guys
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 Have you talked with him about your need for personal space and time away from him? Do you get the sense that he's relying on you for all his emotional and interpersonal interactions?
I think it's reasonable to let him know that you are feeling suffocated by him when he demands time and attention from you that is above and beyond your comfort level. Also, I think letting him know that you are worried about the longevity of the relationship even if he moves to your city is a reasonable thing to do. You don't have to be mean or hurtful about it, obviously, being calmly honest and forthright about your feelings and concerns now is better than breaking up with him later because you didn't discuss this now.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 It sounds like this man is definitely into you -- especially if he is willing to move across the country to be with you.
From the sounds of your letter, though, is that you really aren't into him - at least not to the same level. It kind of sounds like you like the "friends with benefits" situation and that you want him around when you need him. It is normal for a person who is in love with someone to want to be with them a lot. You may interpret this as being "clingy", but to be honest, he is probably just acting in a normal and loving way. I suspect that you are having seconds thoughts as defense mechanism in order not to get hurt.
Relationships are a two-way street and it sounds like you aren't ready to meet him half way.
I think you need to determine whether this is because you enjoy being independent or you are fearing that this relationship may lead to something more than what it is. Given that this has been going on for 18 months, it certainly sounds you both have a chemistry with one another. I think you need some time for self-reflection and let him know exactly where you stand so you don't set his hopes up too high.
Finally, just because he is poor today, doesn't mean he won't be successful tomorrow. So don't let a man's current earning ability impact your decision (much). I know I make far more money now than what I did when I was in my 20's.
Good luck.
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