A
female
age
36-40,
*lirtyandfun
writes:Hi,I’m attracted to a married man. I think he likes me too. I think one can’t help or change ones attraction that just happens and sometimes they happen to be married. Divorce happens too and maybe he’s already thinking of that so why is it so bad to flirt and possibly be together in the future? Matches happen many different ways and at different times in ones life. Let me know what’s wrong with this way of thinking? Maybe people think too much into their relationships and should be more flexible? Sometimes it’s a better way maybe even more healthy too.
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divorce, flirt, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (24 February 2021):
 Yep, as I suspected, definitely a wind up. Stop feeding the troll, guys. ;-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): OP, even after all this good advice especially from a mistress who has been through it, you still cannot seem to get your head on straight. You seem too far gone. You are being swallowed up whole by infatuation, lust, ego, and the thrill of the forbidden. Whatever he is doing, it seems to be working on you because he's got you brain washed and wrapped around his finger. Because you are in DENIAL. That is the biggest sign. You will say anything and believe anything to give yourself permission to FUCK a married man and betray his wife and family behind their backs. Nothing you can say or do can justify cheating. So, don't even bother. But do us all a favor, when he fucks you for a short time and then moves on to someone else, or returns to his wife after he suddenly starts ignoring you because he got his rocks off and realizes you were a mistake, don't come here crying and whining. You deserve whatever is coming to you now. I, for one, don't want to be posted on what happens next. We are not the audience for your train wreck of a reality show. Frankly, you seem totally self centered, selfish, oblivious and egotistical. But deep down inside, you are very insecure and have very little self worth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): After reading your reply I really have to ask...Have you ever gotten help with your narrastic personality disorder???It is obvious you have it.The way you do not care about hurting others...wife kids family..and it is only about you.Girl you need some serious help.So your dad must have cheated on your mom???Or did your mom cheat on your dad?? Is your dad even your dad??? Get to the bottom of why you do this.Do you like to hurt people????Like this mans kids??? Get help you need it because this is not normal or right.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 February 2021):
 SMH
"The men that are having affairs continue to have them and they are disloyal already so usually the wife is better off without them so maybe affairs are a good way of moving forward rather than being in a not so good situation."
So now you THINK you are the savior of these poor wives who NEEDS to move on?
And you think you do that by having an affair and EAT their trash?
Woman, you need to grow some common sense and learn what morals really is. You have neither.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (22 February 2021):
 You say the men continue to have affairs, and are disloyal and that their wives are better off without them. Probably an element of truth there.
But what makes you think that you would get with this guy, or someone like him and they won't get bored of you, and start playing around and cheating on you.
Nothing good ever comes of seeing a married man, and invariable they never leave their wives. So you become the bit on the side, seeing you when ever they can be devious and slip away.
Do you think that he will leave his wife and you will both ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. This will never happen, and even if it did happen, he would probably get bored a bit further down the line seeking someone fresher and newer than you.
Nothing good would ever come of a relationship that started off on a basis of deviousness and lies. And once a cheater, always a cheater.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2021): Well, I guess you'd think it's okay to flirt with married-people; until that spouse happens to be YOURS!!!
Using the same rationale and twisted off-centered logic; it should be fine for any random female to flirt and sleep with "your" boyfriend, or husband. If she happens to be prettier, shapelier, and a better match than you. Even if she's a sasquatch in heels! That should justify it! After all, he's only your husband! Maybe he's just the guy you're dating! He might find a better match and superior sex with somebody else. According to you, so what if he's married? Maybe sex with you as his wife gets boring after so many years! Who needs marriage, boundaries, or moral parameters? The hell with committed-relationships or marriage! Let monogamy be damned! Why don't we all just do whatever feels good and take whatever/whomever we want?
Who knows? Someone "you" love may go astray, and some lucky-lady might happen to find him! Don't they say "finders keepers... losers weepers?!!" Hey, that means there would be no such thing as cheating anymore! You can do anybody you want to...because "one can’t help or change ones attraction that just happens and sometimes they happen to be married."
What the heck are you talking about???
People go through the risky hell of dating; then long drawn-out exclusive courtships, to find the right partner. Get engaged, spend thousands of dollars planning weddings, go through this mind-numbing ceremony executed by an officiant before God and witnesses; while they stand there making all kinds of promises and vows that are meant to be kept over a lifetime. They decide to shove a bunch of kids into this risky venture to create a family! They've chosen a spouse, because they don't want to be single or in the dating-pool anymore. "What God has joined, let no man put asunder!" God hates adultery and divorce! He only sanctions divorce when the spouse commits *adultery*, and when a spouse has been abusive and cruel. They stopped stoning adulterers; but being dragged over the coals in a bitter divorce, and through a vicious child-custody battle, is about the equivalent!
Is it possible for you to grasp these concepts? You can't control who you're attracted to, but some folks people are attracted to are off-limits for legal and moral reasons! That's when you employ self-control and use discretion. Civilized-society has set boundaries and legal prohibitions; because some people don't have the impulse-control or moral turpitude to stay within legal and moral constraints! If you want to date Lottie, Dottie, or anybody...YOU REMAIN SINGLE, OR WAIT UNTIL AFTER YOU'RE/THEY'RE DIVORCED! Even dating a person who's "separated" is risky of being with someone who is only rebounding; and capable of setting-up some desperately lonely person, who can't wait until the divorce is officially final. That's a gamble with the probability that they may never divorce!
Some are just sleeping around; until their spouses miss them enough to take them back! Your feelings are dispensable, because you're merely the outsider sticking your nose where it doesn't belong! Knowingly playing with fire, you ought to get burned!
How many times do people date while separated, only to end-up going back to their wives or husbands? Some are still living with their spouses; while separated and dating! You do read DC, right? Just like players and outright-cheaters who have a good-ole time whoring about; only to turnaround and dump their side-pieces to return to their spouses and kids! In such cases, the co-conspirator guilty of cheating on their spouse, deservedly gets left behind! Due the payback of heartbreak and misery sustained for their stupidity and participation in homewrecking! If you didn't know, that's one thing. Once you know, you're nothing but a lowdown dirty-cheater; just like the no-count scummy married-guy who dragged you into it! No matter what condition a marriage is in, it is still a marriage; until the couple is legally divorced! People recover from estrangement, they forgive each-other, and they reconcile. You're left with your mutilated heart in your hand; because you've decided a married-man is still fair game.
If you have to covet thy neighbor's spouse, you shouldn't be upset when what goes-around comes-around! When that same cheater you stole is CHEATING ON YOU!!! There's a matter of decency and character that would usually stop us from knowingly flirting with someone we know to be married. It's known as self-respect and having a moral-compass. Having regard for the sanctity of marriage. It's not like there's not enough single and available people to go-round! Why choose someone married?
Here's the kicker! The day comes you when think you've found "the one"; and some other female decides to tempt your hubby! I hope you'll recall the mindset behind the words written in your post. It can happen to you too! Then lets see how you feel about it!!! That's just how hypocrisy works! Better you than me! Let it happen to anybody...but me!
Just because a relationship is in trouble, doesn't mean you can't find a way to fix it; or people can't hit bumps from time to time in a marriage that can eventually be worked-out. Cheating husbands or wives have an element of deviousness that is toxic and deplorable. I don't care how much they'll claim to love you...look at what they're doing to the last person they told that!
I know we live in a selfish, unprincipled, greedy, "anything-goes" society. Here's what's wrong with being attracted to married-folks. Since you've asked! People get married, because they have decided to create a legal and moral-commitment that excludes their union from outside-intruders; and such a commitment considers any violation of that union an "adulterous-affair." Usually that's grounds for divorce, loss of assets, and your kids! Like I said, it might not matter; unless that man happens to be YOURS!
Nothing I've said can top the post from the anonymous female-reader who laid it out for you. I admire that lady for her guts! I hope you've read it! You should!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2021): Hi there is nothing wrong you having that attraction and it be felt both ways. It's hard been the other woman. However you cant who you love. You need to have a serious talk with him. Find out what he really wants. If he is ready to give it all up for you. People get divorced all the time and find happiness again. In your case the happiness may already be blomosing. Although we can all guide you as to what's right or wrong, only you both really know how you both feel about each other. Love can happen in so many different ways. Sometimes you cant be the one you love as you have to do the right thing. Listen to your heart and then speak with him, but you do need to be prepared that he may say no. Before you get too deep have that chat. It only hurts afterwards, and i know that pain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2021):
Apparently I have fat fingers this morning..
EDIT
"And in many causes a company will let YOU go over a make counterpart."
should have been:
And in many cases a company will let YOU go over a male counterpart.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2021):
This has to be a troll - but I will answer as if this was a serious question.
The "we can't help who we are attracted to" is a true statement. For sure.
Married people don't STOP being attractive because they got married. They also don't go blind, they will also find other people (besides their spouse) attractive. It's what people DO with this attraction that divide people in decent people and not so decent at all.
YOU are responsible for your actions. Or you ought to be.
However, the rest of your premise is faulty, childish and selfishly framed.
With your sense of logic anyone can do anything, because norms, morals, values, and rules means nothing compared to someone's WANTS.
Do you comprehend what marriage is? Do you think it's just a pretty dress, a ring and a party? Or perhaps a piece of paper?
I mean seriously? Do you understand WHY humans have found ways to bind themselves to another person for thousand of years? There is a reason for it. More or less every society have a version of marriage for a reason. And no, the answer is not "patriarchy".
Maybe if you can understand WHAT a marriage is, perhaps you can understand that it's not something anyone should enter into lightly or just throw out like trash if another woman flashes her knickers, or man his boxers.
Are you so desperate yourself that you have now decided that YOU do not care if man is married? You just want what YOU want? You don't care what it might mean for the wife? The kids?
And what do you think you would "get" if you "made" a guy divorce his wife and leave his family for you? Some Super Prize!!? I can tell you what you will get. You will get a guy who will resent you for that, who will BLAME you for that, and who will cheat on you down the line with someone else. Why?
Because at some point he will realize that you weren't "greener grass". That he misses seeing his kids every day, he might even miss the wife and aspects of the marriage. And he TOO (just like you) won't want to take responsibility for HIS actions - when he CHOSE to cheat with you and fuck over his family - that will now be ALL your fault. If you work together you will be ostracized because other women will want nothing to do with you, because YOU are a potential danger to THEIR happiness. And in many causes a company will let YOU go over a make counterpart.
You are PRESUMING that YOU are better than other women. Therefore you can chase after a married man.
Stop acting like some ignorant thirst-trap. You are not better, you are just different.
I agree with Code Warrior 100%
"History proves you wrong. Your weakness is plain for all to see. People like you represent the decline of society."
Amen to that.
I feel more and more that we are heading towards living like the people of "Idiocracy". While the movie was funny it was also so sad how moronic people had become.
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A
female
reader, Flirtyandfun +, writes (21 February 2021):
Flirtyandfun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,
Thanks for all the replies. I like all the different view points, it helps me understand the situation better. So far we haven’t started an affair but I do think everyone is a little too serious. The men that are having affairs continue to have them and they are disloyal already so usually the wife is better off without them so maybe affairs are a good way of moving forward rather than being in a not so good situation. Life should be enjoyed and of course one needs to be morally correct about it too. I may be seeing him this week socially and will update everyone with my news.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2021): There is too much wrong with it, ethically.
This is NOT on the same scale as downloading abandonware and can cause too much emotional heartache and even issues with children when, not if, they find out.
Unless you're in a polyamorous relationship and they've given permission, it's ethically wrong to go for a married person.
Open marriages are one thing (for me, an open marriage means "a marriage with no secrets", not the more common term).
It's normal to have attraction, unless you're asexual, but acting on it is not always the right thing to do.
Don't go there... if he is separated he's still legally married, and he may not even be attracted to you anyway.
Don't risk this; if you like the looks of him, find someone who's similar-looking but has a better personality. Believe me, that's what many people do with celebrities.
Won't name names but a friend of mine liked the younger Madonna and obviously couldn't date her as the real deal was married to Guy Ritchie at the time, but he went for someone who looked like her from the 1980s, it went well for them as a couple (and she DID look like the 1980s Madonna)... but my point is, although you can't always get what you want, you can get close enough.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (21 February 2021):
 There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a married man its when you ACT on the attraction that the problems start. Sometimes we can't who we are attracted to but when you know the person is taken and you go after them anyways...its just plain crappy. My answer is always along these lines --would you like it if someone went after your significant other? And followed by..."If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you".
People with dignity and morals normally steer clear of those that are involved with others. People that don't care obviously will go after a "taken" person. I'd personally rather not be sneaking around and looking over my shoulder every minute, let alone be sharing someone I loved with someone else.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to what you can live with and if you can sleep at night. Did I forget to mention what might happen if the angry wife/girlfriend finds out and flips out and comes after you?? YEAH...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2021): Lol and when you’re married to this ‘catch’ of a married man who had his head turned so easily don’t be surprised when some little tramp soon comes along and says ‘hmm what is wrong with being attracted to a married man .... and off he goes and the cycle continues
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2021): SORRY, I think I accidentally posted my answer before I was FINISHED.HERE IS THE FINISHED ANSWER. DISREGARD PREVIOUS ONE.As a woman who thought JUST LIKE YOU before I started having a 7.5 YEAR affair with a married man, I will tell you where you will end up, ok? Let's skip right to the FAIRYTALE ENDING you envision. There won't be one. Your knight in shining armor will ride off into the sunset with another woman, maybe his wife, or maybe a newer toy. And you? You will be in the most severe pain of your life. You will be disposed of and abandoned, while he does not give you a second glance or thought. You will be in the rear view mirror and he will not be broken up about it. He will just move on. Why? Because he never did love you. He always kept his feelings in check. It was about the fun, the fantasy, the sex and feeling wanted again. Unlike you, who made it into some grand love affair and fell deep and fell hard for this man. Going from feeling special, self confidence hitting all time highs, and like a Goddess one day, to feeling like disposed of trash, worthless, unwanted, and hating yourself... The END of the affair (and it will come sooner than later for most) will mess you up psychologically and that will be hard to come back from. You will lose a part of you. You will lose your innocence in a way. You will never be the woman you were before you met him. She will be lost. And you will continue in vain to seek the joy and happiness of the woman you once were. Never to be that woman again. You will be a lesser version of yourself and you will have to live with who you have become. You will discover he was never worth your OWN destruction, which you allowed. You allowed him to do this to you. He was a lie. A top salesman of fairytales which you bought because something inside you desperately needed that fairytale. And there was a voice inside you that you kept silencing. If you only you listened. Because it told you that you are worth more and that you are making a mistake. Let me be clear. This guy is addicted to the infatuation phase of the affair. The beginning phase of chemically induced, highly addictive LOVE. Which is very different from marital love. Look up why affairs are so addictive online. Also, look up the stages of love by Helen Fisher. You will see why our brains get so addicted to the high of extra marital, illicit flings. There is a science to it. I wish I knew then what I know now. Since this man has become comfortable in his marriage, the butterflies have flown away. And that is normal for ALL relationships. And make no mistake, this man does LOVE his wife and the life he has built with her and he will not leave that comfortable life for you. EVEN if he did have feelings for you. So, what happens when marriages reach the stable phase, well, in comes a new body, any new body (you are not special, only WILLING) and the butterflies return. A smart man will steer clear and not pursue this attraction. They are bound to happen but real men do not entertain them. The butterflies are temporary though, just like they were in his marriage. Just like they would be with any other woman before or after you. The difference is when the butterflies fade with his wife, he has LOVE, attachment and years of shared history and many other important factors which bind him to his wife and marriage. After the butterflies fade with a new fuck buddy (mistress), there is NOTHING binding him to that person. He will just get bored of the sex, and dump her for a new fuck buddy eventually, and you will be left destroyed. Even if he had "feelings" they are not substantial enough to change his life for you. In the end, you are disposable. It is not genuine or true love. Genuine or true love is not built nor can it last on a foundation of lies and deception. It will forever be TAINTED and you are doomed even before you begin. After the HIGH and forbidden fucking wears off, you are left with NOTHING. Except his LIES and false promises. He will have gotten his fill. He will lose more and more interest after each fucking session and as soon as you know it, your newness becomes old. You will keep trying harder and harder to please him, wow him in bed, use every trick you know, you will dress up in a million different outfits, be creative as you can be, be whoever he wants, do whatever he wants sexually, TRYING to get closer and closer to him. Then you will grow tired of his not responding to your texts quickly or for hours. That he can just fuck you with intensity and spend 5 hours with you in the middle of the afternoon and tell you all his secrets and inner most thoughts, holding you in his arms, yet disappear to a whole other life for days, leaving you behind, wanting more. You try to convince yourself this is good enough. That is because it is the only way you can keep him. So you deceive yourself and have this long standing battle with yourself, convincing yourself that you can handle this "arrangement". You know you CAN'T. It only gets harder. It is just an arrangement, do you know? It is a sexual transaction. You both get needs met and that is it. It is not some LOVE STORY. Only in your head, sweetheart. You KNOW that lying, cheating scumbags can never be the ones you ride off with into the sunset. They don't have what it takes. But how they try to delude you and feed your heart's desires with lies and manipulations. And they are so good at it because you DESPERATELY want to believe in your own fairytale. Remember, he does his very best to show you his GOOD SIDE. That is what they all do. You do not live with the man. It is easy to be whoever they want you to see for a few hours a week in a fantasyland away from the rest of the world. They are taking a vacation from their mundane lives and mundane selves. They get to be your hero in the fantasy because in reality, they stopped being their wife's hero and they started becoming irrelevant in their own lives. They are using us to fill in the holes or gaps in themselves and their marriages. Mine is much older than I am so I made him feel young. And that was a big draw for him. He was fascinated by my youth. It was a huge ego boost for him. I was filling up big, gaping holes in him. Deep down, he was extremely insecure. As are most of these men. Or they would be confident enough not to need an outside source of validation. They only play with us for a little while, making us think we mean more to them. Then they go back to real life. In that time, you will be put up on a shelf. Until he needs another hit. Another ego boost. Until he gets horny again. Until that time, you will not exist or be just a mere afterthought. He will throw you some crumbs, in the form of texts...a few thinking of you's, I miss you's, I can't wait to see you's, to keep you hooked and in rotation. And women buy all that bullshit. These men are experts at playing our emotions. Strong women will not allow them. It is only women like us, that have some unresolved issue, that allow them to mess us up. We are seeking something to numb our pain. There is a void in us. Because at the time we did not know that our savior was also the murderer of our souls. I wish I had sought therapy to fix myself before I got involved with a married man and saw him as the answer. He was not the answer. He was just an escape. And I was foolish enough to think he loved me (he said so a million times). And I was foolish enough to think he was committed to me (we were together for almost 8 years). He was always committed to his marriage. In retrospect he stayed with me all that time likely because he enjoyed the sex, but also because he felt I might tell his wife about us. I convinced myself he loved me, but he did not. He actually ended up coming to live with me after his wife discovered our affair. It was short lived. He left me after a couple of months returning to his wife, begging her to take him back. Even so, while he was with me, living in my house, I often watched him to see if he was texting anyone else. Whenever he would wake up in the middle of the night (he said he could not sleep) I would be on guard wondering who he was talking to. I had to sleep with an eye open all the time. You see, he used to talk to me in the middle of the night when he wife was asleep beside him. There is no way you will ever rest easy if you were to enter into a relationship with him. You already know what kind of a man he is. He has proven it to you by having an affair with you. These men do not change. You would be a sitting duck, waiting for your turn to be cheated on. He was a coward. He just wanted his comfortable life back in my case. Especially the financial stability. Do not kid yourself. These men would not sacrifice financial stability they have built over the years for any one woman, whom they do not see as good enough to build a future with anyway. That is right. They do not respect women like us who have allowed them to use us in an affair. They think we are less than even though they would never admit that. He left me just like that. I cried and pleaded. He was so cold and unfeeling. I will never forget that day. He was not the man I knew at all. He was someone else. And what I have learned is that was the man he was all along. I just refused to see it. I refused to see the real man in front of me or I would not have allowed myself to be involved for so long. To this day, I can say I really hate him. He has no idea the level of damage he has done to me. I am on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am struggling to cope. And I do not want to see any other woman go through the pain I did because they want to have some illicit fantasy sex with a man who is a liar and cheater and who will end up hurting them in the end. Men like this hurt ALL women. They are womanizers and users.He will NEVER be the prize you think he is. He will NEVER be the prize HE THINKS he is. He will NEVER be the prize he is selling himself to be. It is all a FACADE. And for what? SEX? SEX IS SO FLEETING. And yet it RUINS LIVES. It RUINS PEOPLE. You can have sex with a million single men. And yes, it could be just as good. A man who cheats on his wife (and likely has a pattern of cheating) is NO PRIZE. And if you think that lowly of yourself that you believe that is all you are worth, then you have a lot of self reflection to do. Because if you end up with him (99.9 percent chance you do not) but IF you did, you will be haunted by TRUST issues and the way you both began with infidelity will slowly erode any chance you might have had a future happiness. And you will constantly wonder if this man WILL CHEAT on YOU throughout your relationship. Chances are he WILL. Because men like this have character flaws and internal issues they need to work out with a therapist. But they don't. They would rather dance on Cloud 9 for as long as the ride lasts or as long as gullible women allow them to mess with their hearts and bodies. They do not want to do the hard work. They do not want to change. They want to take the path of least resistance. That means escaping/self medicating from their flaws and all their problems. And because you jump onto the roller coaster with them, you will end up being used, abused, manipulated, lied to, and ultimately discarded. Yes, thrown away into the trash heap of old and used toys. Whether it is because someone new comes along or he decides to go back to his wife. There will always be a reason. The only fairytales are in your own head, and he will help you along by feeding your delusions with lies and false words and promises, just to keep stringing you along FOR SEX. Yes, for SEX. In the end, no matter what he says. Whether he says I LOVE YOU a billion times, no matter what he does for you, all his kind acts and words will be a LIE and a SHAM. He will string you along for as long as he needs you. And then suddenly cut you off without warning. By then it is too late for you. You will have fallen in love with him. He will have successfully reeled you in. Taken advantage of your vulnerability. Because yes, any woman willing to let her guard down and throw away her self respect to become involved with a committed man has got some sort of issues which make her EASY PREY for a married PLAYER. Yes, they are ALL PLAYERS. Wolves in sheep's clothing. In the end, you will be destroyed because you will tell yourself all of this BULLSHIT to give yourself permission to fuck a married man. In fact, I did not need to say a thing. He told ME.... "This could never have happened with ANY other woman." "We are anomaly." "You are the only woman who has ever been able to turn my head." "You are the best sex I ever had." "Until I met you, I have never experienced a passionate woman." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.I wish the future me could have seen the past me and stopped the spiral of destruction. But sometimes the only way to learn is to go through it, make the mistakes and come out the other side. Barely.I know in the end you are going to do what you want. But I felt I needed to tell you my story. If the reality of the way it is and the way it turns out will have made any impact on your decision, then it was worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2021): As a woman who thought JUST LIKE YOU before I started having a 7.5 YEAR affair with a married man, I will tell you where you will end up, ok? Let's skip right to the FAIRYTALE ENDING you envision. There won't be one. Your knight in shining armor will ride off into the sunset with another woman, maybe his wife, or maybe a newer toy. And you? You will be in the most severe pain of your life. You will be disposed of and abandoned, while he does not give you a second glance or thought. You will be in the rear view mirror and he will not be broken up about it. He will just move on. Why? Because he never did love you. He always kept his feelings in check. It was about the fun, the fantasy, the sex and feeling wanted again. Unlike you, who made it into some grand love affair and fell deep and fell hard for this man. Going from feeling special, self confidence hitting all time highs, and like a Goddess one day, to feeling like disposed of trash, worthless, unwanted, and hating yourself... The END of the affair (and it will come sooner than later for most) will mess you up psychologically and that will be hard to come back from. You will lose a part of you. You will lose your innocence in a way. You will never be the woman you were before you met him. She will be lost. And you will continue in vain to seek the joy and happiness of the woman you once were. Never to be that woman again. You will be a lesser version of yourself and you will have to live with who you have become. You will discover he was never worth your OWN destruction, which you allowed. You allowed him to do this to you. He was a lie. A top salesman of fairytales which you bought because something inside you desperately needed that fairytale. And there was a voice inside you that you kept silencing. If you only you listened. Because it told you that you are worth more and that you are making a mistake. Let me be clear. This guy is addicted to the infatuation phase of the affair. The beginning phase of chemically induced, highly addictive LOVE. Which is very different from marital love. Look up why affairs are so addictive online. Also, look up the stages of love by Helen Fisher. You will see why our brains get so addicted to the high of extra marital, illicit flings. There is a science to it. I wish I knew then what I know now. Since this man has become comfortable in his marriage, the butterflies have flown away. And that is normal for ALL relationships. And make no mistake, this man does LOVE his wife and the life he has built with her and he will not leave that comfortable life for you. EVEN if he did have feelings for you. So, what happens when marriages reach the stable phase, well, in comes a new body, any new body (you are not special, only WILLING) and the butterflies return. A smart man will steer clear and not pursue this attraction. They are bound to happen but real men do not entertain them. The butterflies are temporary though, just like they were in his marriage. Just like they would be with any other woman before or after you. The difference is when the butterflies fade with his wife, he has LOVE, attachment and years of shared history and many other important factors which bind him to his wife and marriage. After the butterflies fade with a new fuck buddy (mistress), there is NOTHING binding him to that person. He will just get bored of the sex, and dump her for a new fuck buddy eventually, and you will be left destroyed. Even if he had "feelings" they are not substantial enough to change his life for you. In the end, you are disposable. It is not genuine or true love. Genuine or true love is not built nor can it last on a foundation of lies and deception. It will forever be TAINTED and you are doomed even before you begin. After the HIGH and forbidden fucking wears off, you are left with NOTHING. Except his LIES and false promises. He will have gotten his fill. He will lose more and more interest after each fucking session and as soon as you know it, your newness becomes old. You will keep trying harder and harder to please him, wow him in bed, use every trick you know, you will dress up in a million different outfits, be creative as you can be, be whoever he wants, do whatever he wants sexually, TRYING to get closer and closer to him. Then you will grow tired of his not responding to your texts quickly or for hours. That he can just fuck you with intensity and spend 5 hours with you in the middle of the afternoon and tell you all his secrets and inner most thoughts, holding you in his arms, yet disappear to a whole other life for days, leaving you behind, wanting more. You try to convince yourself this is good enough. That is because it is the only way you can keep him. So you deceive yourself and have this long standing battle with yourself, convincing yourself that you can handle this "arrangement". You know you CAN'T. It only gets harder. It is just an arrangement, do you know? It is a sexual transaction. You both get needs met and that is it. It is not some LOVE STORY. Only in your head, sweetheart. You KNOW that lying, cheating scumbags can never be the ones you ride off with into the sunset. They don't have what it takes. But how they try to delude you and feed your heart's desires with lies and manipulations. And they are so good at it because you DESPERATELY want to believe in your own fairytale. Remember, he does his very best to show you his GOOD SIDE. That is what they all do. You do not live with the man. It is easy to be whoever they want you to see for a few hours a week in a fantasyland away from the rest of the world. They are taking a vacation from their mundane lives and mundane selves. They get to be your hero in the fantasy because in reality, they stopped being their wife's hero and they started becoming irrelevant in their own lives. They are using us to fill in the holes or gaps in themselves and their marriages. Mine is much older than I am so I made him feel young. And that was a big draw for him. He was fascinated by my youth. It was a huge ego boost for him. I was filling up big, gaping holes in him. Deep down, he was extremely insecure. As are most of these men. Or they would be confident enough not to need an outside source of validation. They only play with us for a little while, making us think we mean more to them. Then they go back to real life. In that time, you will be put up on a shelf. Until he needs another hit. Another ego boost. Until he gets horny again. Until that time, you will not exist or be just a mere afterthought. He will throw you some crumbs, in the form of texts...a few thinking of you's, I miss you's, I can't wait to see you's, to keep you hooked and in rotation. And women buy all that bullshit. These men are experts at playing our emotions. Strong women will not allow them. It is only women like us, that have some unresolved issue, that allow them to mess us up. We are seeking something to numb our pain. There is a void in us. Because at the time we did not know that our savior was also the murderer of our souls. I wish I had sought therapy to fix myself before I got involved with a married man and saw him as the answer. He was not the answer. He was just an escape. And I was foolish enough to think he loved me (he said so a million times). And I was foolish enough to think he was committed to me (we were together for almost 8 years). He was always committed to his marriage. In retrospect he stayed with me all that time likely because he enjoyed the sex, but also because he felt I might tell his wife about us. I convinced myself he loved me, but he did not. He actually ended up coming to live with me after his wife discovered our affair. It was short lived. He left me after a couple of months returning to his wife, begging her to take him back. Even so, while he was with me, living in my house, I often watched him to see if he was texting anyone else. Whenever he would wake up in the middle of the night (he said he could not sleep) I would be on guard wondering who he was talking to. I had to sleep with an eye open all the time. You see, he used to talk to me in the middle of the night when he wife was asleep beside him. He was a coward. He just wanted his comfortable life back. Especially the financial stability. Do not kid yourself. These men would not sacrifice financial stability they have built over the years for any one woman, whom they do not see as good enough to build a future with. That is right. They do not respect women like us who have allowed them to use us in an affair. They think we are less than even though they would never admit that. To this day, I can say I really hate him. He has no idea the level of damage he has done to me. I am on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I am struggling to cope. And I do not want to see any other woman go through the pain I did because they want to have some illicit fantasy sex with a man who is a liar and cheater and who will end up hurting them in the end. Men like this hurt ALL women. They are womanizers and users.He will NEVER be the prize you think he is. He will NEVER be the prize HE THINKS he is. He will NEVER be the prize he is selling himself to be. It is all a FACADE. And for what? SEX? You can have sex with a million single men. And yes, it could be just as good. A man who cheats on his wife (and likely has a pattern of cheating) is NO PRIZE. And if you think that lowly of yourself that you believe that is all you are worth, then you have a lot of self reflection to do. Because if you end up with him (99.9 percent chance you do not) but IF you did, you will be haunted by TRUST issues and the way you both began with infidelity will slowly erode any chance you might have had a future happiness. And you will constantly wonder if this man WILL CHEAT on YOU throughout your relationship. Chances are he WILL. Because men like this have character flaws and internal issues they need to work out with a therapist. But they don't. They would rather dance on Cloud 9 for as long as the ride lasts or as long as gullible women allow them to mess with their hearts and bodies. But it won't be with you. Instead you will end up being used, abused, manipulated, lied to, and ultimately discarded. Yes, thrown away into the trash heap of old and used toys. Whether it is because someone new comes along or he decides to go back to his wife. There will always be a reason. The only fairytales are in your own head, and he will help you along by feeding your delusions with lies and false words and promises, just to keep stringing you along FOR SEX. Yes, for SEX. In the end, no matter what he says. Whether he says I LOVE YOU a billion times, no matter what he does for you, all his kind acts and words will be a LIE and a SHAM. He will string you along for as long as he needs you. And then suddenly cut you off without warning. By then it is too late for you. You will have fallen in love with him. He will have successfully reeled you in. Taken advantage of your vulnerability. Because yes, any woman willing to let her guard down and throw away her self respect to become involved with a committed man has got some sort of issues which make her EASY PREY for a married PLAYER. Yes, they are ALL PLAYERS. Wolves in sheep's clothing. In the end, you will be destroyed because you will tell yourself all of this BULLSHIT to give yourself permission to fuck a married man. In fact, I did not need to say a thing. He told ME.... "This could never have happened with ANY other woman." "We are anomaly." "You are the only woman who has ever been able to turn my head."
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 February 2021):
I strongly suspect you have written this as a wind up as, unless you have the morals of an alley cat, you must realize exactly what is wrong with your "way of thinking". I am, therefore, not going to waste my time on you except to say this: GET THEM BY CHEATING, LOSE THEM TO CHEATING. Go there are your peril.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2021): I can't wait until you are married and your husband cheats on you.If he cheated with you he will cheat on you.And that is why you never date a married man.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (20 February 2021):
 Dear Flirty And Fun,
You ask, "Let me know what’s wrong with this way of thinking?"
While it is true that the world is full of people and you may be attracted to any particular one of them. How you act on that attraction is the difference between civilization and anarchy. It really is up to you how you choose to react to your attraction. That is the nice answer to your question.
The mean and rude answer to your question is that an honorable woman would ask his wife first. This would solve two of your problems. First you would get your answer to all of your what ifs about their relationship. Heck she might give you her blessing, with a list of his shortcomings, that you should watch for. She will also likely give you a concise answer to your question about what is wrong with your thinking.
As to your misguided idea that this is some how a "more healthy" way to go, I'd like to remind you that if you do flirt and attract a married man, you can be sure you will be in a relationship with a known cheater.
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