A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I just started dating a guy, and I really like him. He is 29, dorky, cute, kind, compassionate, and we share a lot of the same interests. He is definitely a bit awkward. He confessed that he'd never been in a relationship before.When I asked why, He said that it just hasn't happened yet.That said, I feel like I should be worried about it. I feel like there must be some reason for this, that I just haven't seen yet, probably because I'm still very much in that infatuation stage. What sorts of things I should be worried about? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 Yes, I'd keep my eyes open. Without paranoia or prejudice, just... attention to the details, let's say. If someone reaches nearly his 30s without ever having had a relationship- it always means something. It does not necessarily mean something ominous or sinister, but... it depends.
Very seldom, I think, it means that they never wanted a relationship with someone they were attracted to. In theory there must be people who are super-choosy and never found their potential match , or super romantic and will only go for the " real one " who ticks absolutely all their boxes , in practice it must be very rare, personally I have never met one.
If they never got a relationship it's because they could not, not because they choose to. ( Particularly in your age bracket. Later on, it's easier to find people who choose voluntarily to stay single and uninvolved ).
So, it depends WHY they could not, the variables are many.
For instance,probably this is a shy guy .
Ok, nothing wrong with being A BIT shy, it may even be endearing.
So take a shy guy, who has also the misfortune to live in a place / environment not conducive to meet new people , say, a very small town with very few singles ....combine a bit of shyness with a bit of bad luck, we have a relationshipless 29 y.o.
What if , though, he is a case of crippling shyness / extreme social maladjustement ? What if, having had the occasions, the time, the venues, the environment ( big city, travels, college, workplace, etc.etc. ) he still could not GET anything ?
.. And what does it mean " it never happened " ? If you want something, you MAKE it happen. If you want a job, you don' t wait for the job to fall in your lap , you send out CVs, you go to job interviews.. Ditto for romance. A severe lack of proactivity, of resourcefulness, is generally penalizing not only in terms of your romantic life, but in your work, social life, even normal daily functioning.
So, it depends - endearingly shy is Ok, social cripple is not ( at least in my book ).
WE all have " issues " or " baggage " , but it depends from the size and weight. If you have wobbly ankles, you won't be a good tennis player and so be it- but if they wobble so bad that you can't even WALK, then it is all another story , and all another magnitude of problems.
It also depends from your personal level of tolerance for " awkwardness " and " self consciousness " etc. That's very individual, and luckily it seems you don't mind a bit of goofyness, a bit of awkwardness, you find it cute instead. But , keep in mind that often it's the sort of thing that it is only cute in an initial infatuation stage.
I think that usually, in average, one would expect a certain level of " social competence " and a modicum of self confidence in a guy in his late 20s. What's cute in a teenager is it much less cute in time, - one gets tired , for instance, of a guy who cringes at the idea of placing his order in a new restaurant, or can't bring himself to return a defective item to the shop, or is instantly struck dumb whenever you introduce him to a friend of yours.
So, you should not " worry " as in staying awake at night in fear of a dating disaster- but , just observe the most impassionately as possible. A bit dorky and quirky is fine ( if that's your preference )- a social misfit is not.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 June 2016):
 "He is 29, dorky, cute, kind, compassionate, and we share a lot of the same interests. He is definitely a bit awkward" - a lot of people under 25 don't value those traits and many don't see them as relationship material, so they don't get given a chance.Like, I happened to be found online by my boyfriend at 19 (never even had any friends before him, let alone anything else), but I'm very "damaged" and have a lot about me that most people wouldn't accept/have patience with (mental illness, health problems, chronic pain, very rarely shave my legs, have hirsutism [excessive, dark body hair in "masculine" places that isn't a good idea for me to remove], etc.), so I'd probably have been waiting many years to find someone who would want me. I mean, it's rare to find people who view women with my issues attractive enough to be in a relationship with them. My point is, sometimes people can't get past the preconceived ideas, so people like me and your date don't always get given a chance to show our more widely desired traits.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): Never had a relationship? Or never had a woman before at all?
If he has been a manwhore or a serial short-term dater for 10 years, then yes, go ahead and worry about it.
If he is just a late bloomer/etc then don't worry at all. Count yourself lucky.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): That's unfortunate that if people have not been in many or any relationships it sounds somethings is wrong! You are lucky that's all I can tell you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): "He is 29, dorky, cute, kind, compassionate, and we share a lot of the same interests. He is definitely a bit awkward. He confessed that he'd never been in a relationship before."
Sounds like a dream come true, if you ask me. He is not corrupted by cynicism, he isn't damaged, or carrying baggage from mistreatment by women in his past. There's no ex to worry about. He's got you to teach him exactly what a good relationship should be like. He's all yours.
He is fresh and open to you, appreciating you as the first person to enter his life; and offer him affection and romance.
If there is something wrong, you'll determine that over time; but don't allow yourself to be suspicious, because he had to wait to find you. Love is evasive, and sometimes we either have to wait for it to find us; or we have to go through a series of failures to find success. He sounds delightful. Just be alert and vigilant for red-flags.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 Even for virgins, some have a lot of preconceived notions about relationships. They don't like the fact they know nothing about relationships, so they read and read and found something like women are attracted to alphas. They would have lots of sex with them, then when they got older they settle down with betas.
A virgin who is happy and confident is good, but not a virgin who is bitter and sad that he hasn't live his youth, had wild sex, and that the first girlfriend he got, wants to trap him with marriage and kids. He might get angry that an experienced girlfriend had already lived life while his life hasn't started, but ends at marriage and kids.
A virgin may not have issues with crazy exes and baggage but he might have jealousy towards your ex partners.
So your concern is not only what caused him to remain single all his life, but also the effects of not being able to score a girlfriend and how it affects his confidence.
Every guy you see will have some issue about him. I bet as you get to know him more you will realize how his past affect his present, or luckily you don't find it to be an issue at all.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 I once had a guy who said that to me.
We've been married for nearly 18 years.
There may be plenty of cause for concern with the guy you're dating, but that's not one of them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 June 2016):
 I wouldn't worry.
He might have been VERY shy, a slow bloomer but he is OBVIOUSLY working on that now.
The BENEFITS of dating someone with not "history" is that you two can make it YOUR way, so to speak - you won't be compared to an ex, you won't have to deal with preconceived notions of relationships from HIS end.
It's not like can't be a great BF because he hasn't dated before. And whatever reason there is, doesn't apply anymore.
Just enjoy him, enjoy building a relationship. Hopefully you have some GOOD relationship skills you can share.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (5 June 2016):
 It's sad that you think you should be worried that he hasn't been in a relationship before. It doesn't mean anything was wrong. Maybe he is shy and never found a way to ask someone out. Maybe nobody liked him before the way that you do now. Maybe he was waiting for someone like you to come along? :)
People who have never had relationships before are the best in my opinion. They're not damaged by anyone else and everything is so new and exciting to them that they care a lot more and try harder to show it.
He may not be used to showing his feelings, so try to be patient. And just realise that this will all be new to him so be understanding if you need to be.
But definitely nothing to worry about I don't think!!
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