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Should I cut her out of my life?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Sex, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2018)
A male age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Almost a year ago I met a girl through one of my friends. She had just come out of a 6 year relationship which lead to her losing almost all of her friends. She moved to my city for work and this is how I met her.

I had an instant attraction to her the moment I met her. We clicked instantly. After a couple of months we went on a night out and we made out. She said that she wasn't ready to have sex yet which I was fine with. We shared a bed together that night and I thought this is going to develop into a relationship sooner or later.

After 9 months of flirting and chat, I finally picked up the courage to tell her how strongly I feel about her. We slept together for the first time and everything was going great. She called me up for a booty call 3 or 4 times but each time i was unavailable ( I work nights so It wasn't convenient, she understood this). I went away on holiday for a week and when I came back I tried to hook up with her again.

This is where it gets really strange. She blew me off a couple of times so I asked her what was going on. Nothing seemed to have changed. She said that she doesn't want to get close to anyone and that she feels uncomfortable having sex, not with me but with anyone.

My friend who she works with who introduced me to her told me that she was bragging to him about sleeping with a stranger from a dating app. I was so confused by this because she has told me she doesn't want to have sex with anyone and she knows how close me and my friend are, surely she knew this would get back to me?!

I explained that I needed some time to think, she said she wanted to be friends. After about a week of no contact (she tried to contact me in this time but I needed space) I said that I would be happy for us to be friends and that I am over the sexual side of our relationship. I wasn't.

I went out with her last week and was supposed to be meeting our mutual friend. We both had a great time and she didn't want to meet up with our friend so we partied into the night. We were both flirting like we were prior to us hooking up. We didn't hook up at all but I could sense the chemistry again. We talk almost every day and I am always there for her when she needs support.

Now whilst I would love for us to have an exclusive relationship, I am just happy to spend time with her. I have lots of friends and a big social circle but theres nobody in the world I enjoy spending my time with more.

The problem comes when I think about her dating other guys. I can't handle that. I also don't want to get back into bed with her if we're not going to have the type of relationship I want.

My question is this: should I continue to see her when I know how hurt I'll be if she meets someone else? I care about her too much to cut her out of my life, and this would be difficult as she is close with my best friend i mentioned earlier who also happens to be my housemate. I really want her to realise how perfect we are for each other, but Ive been seeking this relationship for a year now and I don't now how much more of my emotions I can give to it. I have tried going out and meeting other women but theres nobody even close to turning my head from her.

Any advice would be much appreciated

thank you

ANON.

View related questions: best friend, booty call, flirt, on holiday

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYep, I agree with CodeWarrior.

You can still be polite and civil when you see her but I wouldn't go out of my WAY to talk to her and entertain her when there is a gathering of friends or events. If they are bigger events there are PLENTY of other people to talk to.

It might be a little awkward in the beginning by you will get the hang of being around an ex eventually, and not get sucked back into some flirty mind fuck game.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (9 October 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntJust because you drop her like a bad habit doesn't mean that you can't be polite to her when your friend has her over. No need to be worried about it, just stop caring about her presence. That means don't go out of your way to talk to her, but at the same time don't ignore her if you wind up in a conversation that includes her. Just be aloof and cordial.

Just make small talk and don't engage her on a personal level. Treat her like just another person on the street. If she tries to flirt with you, answer back with a non-interested tone of voice. If she tries to hit you up for a booty call, just tell her "Nah, not interested." and leave it at that. If she won't take no for an answer then just ask her what part of "No" is unclear to her.

I know that since you have feelings for her, this is easier said than done, but you're not trying to send a message to her as much as you're trying to send one to yourself. You're trying to change your mindset and often times, acting in a way that is counter to your feelings can help to change your feelings.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2018):

Thank you everyone for your responses. The advise of severing all ties is good, it's the only way I can fully get over it but it's not possible for me to do that due to how close she is with my friend. If I say that I don't want any contact with her that won't be the end of it. I'll see her at events me and my friend attend. And he will still want her to come over to our house. I don't think its fair on my housemate or her to damage their friendship.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

I think she just wants to be friends with benefits. She wants sex and intimacy, but not a full-fledged relationship.

You're not on the same page; so she's wasting your time. She probably hooked-up with the other guy for some casual non-committed sex; but you've already expressed you have feelings for her. She admitted she's not ready for a relationship. Listen to her. Why insist if she has already told you that's not going to happen? Why pretend to be friends, while getting jealous of other guys at the same time? Where's the logic or common-sense behind that?

Your feelings don't seem to be reciprocated; so how would it make sense to let this continue? You're having second-thoughts, and she's lying by omission of a few facts. She's seeing somebody else, and you only seem to be worth a booty-call now and then.

Don't waste your time. Let her go. Don't try to be friends. That isn't what you're looking for. Meanwhile, there's a mystery-man hiding in the background.

Sever all ties, don't stalk on social media, and move on!

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntDrop her like a bad habit. Sucks to have feelings, but there you are. You'll get over it. Also, stop lying to her about your feelings. That was weak. Stop being weak.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

You can't MAKE someone feel the same way that you do.

Obviously you aren't perfect for each other, otherwise there would be no problem in trying to get her to be your girlfriend.

Let it go. It's not easy, but after a while it will be easier than what you have going on now. It will just keep hurting you and hurting you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYep, cut her loose.

You keep lying to her AND yourself. You don't WANT to be her friend, you wanted and want more.

SHE lies to you (and maybe herself) that she doesn't want to keep having sex or get closer to you - yet she bragged about a casual encounter (knowing it would get back to you) and she flirted played "oh I'm SO into you" on your night out, but pretending that THIS is how people act when they are friends... which we ALL know is bullshit.

You CAN'T MAKE her want a relationship with you. And honestly? I don't think she wants one at this time, or... maybe just not with you. And just because you are ready and WANT a relationship doesn't mean SHE feels the same way.

You have to accept that.

I think tell her that you don't feel friendship is going to work out as you want more and she doesn't so you are going to go no contact. That you wish her well. And THAT is it. Then you BLOCK her and take your time to get over her. IF you are really looking to have a SERIOUS relationship, SHE isn't it. You need to look elsewhere.

She's been using you as a rebound hoping it would help her get over the break up. which is probably why she has been going from being a sort of friend to a f-buddy, to a "I don't know what I want" and now this claiming to want to be friends but ACTING like she is pursuing you. THAT is to make HERSELF feel good. YOU chasing after her, you playing along in the flirtatious games is ALL about stroking egos, yours AND hers.

There is no future here for a relationship. Sorry, she isn't as into you... as you are into her.

And I'm not sure she is really over her ex either.

Let her go. But don't just ghost her. TELL her WITHOUT the lies" WHY you need to cut her off. It might give her some food for thought. And if it doesn't at least you TOLD her.

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