A
male
age
51-59,
*ouston
writes:Had a follow up question and wanted to provide an update. BTW I appeciate all the help and I apologize to anyone Ive offended here. I'm fairly emotional right now and know people sometimes see things very differently. My wife and I are working our way through this(she admitted to a one night stand 3 weeks before we got together that she had lied to me about for 20 years, even after having seen the guy at a high school reunion). My follow up question is this. She has stated that she did not remember hardly any part of what happned doing to being blackout drunk and denied it even to herself because of the shame involved. However I remember seeing her the next day(this is why I never dropped it) and her making some comments about the guy in question like "oooo la la he's got a nice body" etc. She claims she was trying to make herself feel better since she claimed to not have an interest in him but was just smashed or possibly trying to make me jealous. Anyway, the thoughts of what she said the next day do not jive at all with what she claimed to feel about the situation(denial, shame) and it is really haunting me right now as the 20 years of lying about this has made me not trust what she's saying. Can anyone shed some light on what she might have been thinking when she said these things as I know she had never slept with someone randomly like this, and if she remembered nothing she had to have been really drunk. Thanks
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Hi,
I have to say that at one point I was getting pretty angry at your attitude towards your wife. It seemed that the only thing you cared about was the fact she had been to scared to tell the truth.
But I have been following what we have all said and I think a very valuable lesson can be learned. As I said I made a massive mistake years ago, not towards a man but my own child. I have done all I can to protect her from the truth for years, not realising that in the end it would be so much harder for us to deal with. But thats part of growing up, dont you think?. Sometimes its so hard to be honest, and it seems easy to try and cover it up. Because I know how your wife must have felt my Heart goes out to her. Its hard to risk lossing someone you love so much.
I just hope that anyone that reads this colum that may be going through a difficult time in their life, will be able to face telling the truth no matter how bad it seems at the time. So you wont have to deal with it when it comes up again (which of course it will).
I hope it all works out for you both, she sounds like a very special person (just like me, my daughter says).
XX
A
male
reader, Houston +, writes (10 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe, my wife and this guy all attended high school together so any reunions etc. I have to see him. I saw him at one previously, thought he acted odd and quizzed my wife again and got another denial. If this had been someone I didnt know or never had to see it be a lot easier. As far as the incident it self I'm of the opinion that at the ripe old age of 18, after playing a drinking game to the point of blacking out most of the night(no memory of events leading up to intercourse) my wife was in no position to concent to sex. I'm guessing she was drunk enough to not know what she was doing, just wnet along in this state and this guy took adavnatge of that situation. Was he drunk also and unaware that she was blacked out and too drunk to concent? Very possible. I think when you are 18 and dont remember concenting do to intoxication by definition youre too drunk to concent but thats another topic. Woman can put themselves in a very vulnerable position, particularly young woman IMO.
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A
male
reader, Houston +, writes (10 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery insightful answers. Thanks. It is partially about me and I know that. There is something very personal about a situation like this when you went to a small high school with the guy in question but frankly that's not really my wifes fault and shouldnt be a factor in how this effects our marriage. There were unusual circumstances surrounding what occurred(she was blackout drunk and recalls very little of what happened, she'd never had a one night stand) and she had been frank about others she had been with who I would have to be around(2 guys) so this is very likely an isolated incident. My attitude probably played a role in her lying to me as well. Tellulah, thanks for sharing. I have made big mistakes in my life(I didnt hide them though) and my wife has forgiven me every time. I too love her more than life it self. This is probably why I come across as mentaly unstable at times(LOL). I forgive her for this but continue to be plagued by anger and emotional pain. It's just going to take a little time. She's done her part, now I need to do mine. Thanks for the help evrybody.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 You are in pain because of this (understandable). But where you are going wrong is trying to exact punishment on your wife for the pain you are suffering.
She has already suffered for this enough.
All you are doing now is prolonging the problem. You'll make her hurt more, and also yourself. That serves no positive purpose.
You need to drop this. Not easy since you're clearly obsessing about it. If you are unable to do so I suggest therapy (I've been to therapy for a very similar reason).
What you cannot do is expect that continuing to torture yourself and your wife will lead to some magical 'relief' or conclusion. It won't.
The only conclusion you can arrive at here is to let go and stop thinking about it. That is the only way to make the pain go away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Houston what's the point in asking for advice when you are going to argue with everyone who replies!
This is so about your own damaged ego, you need to see this or will eventually drive your wife away from you. I'm sure if that happens you'll be the first begging and pleading to take you back.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): You need to put your hurt ego on one side and metter of trust on other. If deep in your hart you ask yourself and what have I done? I have been living in a disneyland thinking all girls are nice... and never did sucha thing ... and so on that is your ego mouning. If you have thoughts like ok...spit the next thing you lied about it's another thing, and pretty instinctive, normal. You need to talk this through out with a best friend and separtae those two things and then tell your wife how do you feel
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 October 2007):
Houston,
Have you never done anything that you are ashamed of. Hand on heart can you honstly say you have never ever made a mistake. Because I know I have, and It took me an awfull lot of years to reveal the truth, 26 actually. The person involved would have broken my heart if they had not forgiven me. I explained to them how I got caught up in the lie and really didnt know how to tell anyone and make things right. Well after all these years I finally faced it and told the truth. It was the biggest chance I have taken, with a person that means more to me than life itself.
They forgave me, and its never beeen mentioned again.
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A
male
reader, Houston +, writes (10 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questiona 3 month grudge, a 20 year lie.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 October 2007):
Anon, Which is no doubt why you stay ANON. Yes we can read, and if you really think it is perfectly normal to hold a grudge after 20 years, you know some strange people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Sounds lie the is the smoking gun here and that is understandable. Most men I know would feel the same way. Some of these folks obviously can't read so don't pay attention to them. Never the less you need to forgive and forget and then move on. Good luck.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (9 October 2007):
Really!! what do you want from her, BLOOD. She made a mistake 20 years ago, and it does read like it was 3 weeks before you got to-gether. Which would make it none of your buisness anyway. But if she was with you and she did it!! it was 20 years ago!!. Are you willing to throw away this woman because of that. I am sorry that you are tormented by this, but you really need to either get over it or get out of it.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (9 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDude, not only did I know her but we had already slept together and she claimed she loved me at the time. I saw her the next day, she lied about it for years and I have had to see this guy without knowing the truth. If it happened before we met that'd be fine and dandy. Please READ before responding.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (9 October 2007):
 get a life sir-you sound like a broken record or a skipping cd. if you cant get over this then move on an see what life will offer you, not much i bet. People with understanding that others are not always perfect are not necessarilly liars, simply aware that mistakes happen.
your wife may have predicted this reaction and maybe wants you out of the picture. if your ego cant see past this she might have got what she wanted-proof you are riggid and lacking of insight.either way as long as you feel in the right i'm sure thats all that matters.
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 Mate, its torture reading this. Go get conselling, everything people here suggest you simply ignore or berate them for being honest. What do you want? You want it to never have happened, but nothing's happened , that's what you dont realise. Nothing, a girl you ended up getting married to had a sex life before she met you, end of story.
I feel so sorry for your wife. She sounds wonderful, hopefully she might end up meeting someone who isnt an emotional basketcase.
For your information I was on the dating scene 20 years ago and it is bullshit saying how men view women who slept around then. Absolute bullshit, its no different from today .
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (9 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionactually, she did regularly lie about it even after we had to be around the guy. Thanks for helping me clarify "anonymous".
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (9 October 2007):
 There's a few ways of looking at this...she may have been entirely drunk and really doesn't remember OR because it happened so long ago, and she is so happy to be with the man that she loves AND married, that she doesn't want to bring up the past in "detail".
I know it's hard, but it happened so long ago...and did we all not do things (or something) in our past we would love to forget or even though it happened, we put it to rest and move on?
I think what matters most at this point is that if both of you love each other with all your heart, have been faithful with one another during your marriage, respect each other's feelings and enjoy each other's company and take time to be with one another, that is what counts. Sometimes old wounds or even skeletons need to be left in the closet. Sometimes as "kids" (and adults) we do the most stupidist things and don't even realize it...till much later. It's not that they do not love you, it's just that is the past...it is not today nor your future.
I feel you have a wonderful marriage...and being said, make the most of it and continue loving your wife as I am sure she loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Do the woman a favor and leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): you need to stop assuming that people who are okay with your spouse keeping one thing from her past to herself means that they regularly lie to or are lied to by their spouses. you don't seem to see the difference.
are you going to keep asking the same question until you get the answer you're looking for? if so, why don't you tell us what you want us to say rather than asking for "advice."
get counseling.
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A
male
reader, Houston +, writes (8 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the question"trust me with this" LOL. She didnt confess to anything .......I busted her red handed. She lied to my face for 20 years about it. I suppose you like it when your significant other does that. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Buddy, at this point, she's probably just telling you ANYTHING in order to get you to stop cramming this down her throat. I can only imagine what you must put her through, as you've asked these questions about ten times now. Do you really think this is healthy for your relationship with her? Do you honestly think that after she confided in you & told you this (she's probably kicking herself now) that from the way you're reacting she'll ever be able to trust you with anything again? I highly doubt it. I would suggest you leave her because it seems like all you're willing to do at this point is badger her about her past and I am sure that after her enduring that for long enough, she's probably scared to even see you..so I doubt she's happy. She's probably miserable with you right now, and you're not happy either so just let it go & move on. You're obviously not willing to do anything else.
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male
reader, Houston +, writes (8 October 2007):
Houston is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry, rememebered almost nothing,she had a flash in the middle of the encounter apparently, nothing leading up to or after
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