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What on earth do I need to fix in me to set myself free?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 February 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2018)
A female New Zealand age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi people, I am trying to work out what on earth is wrong with me at the moment.

I've had two important relationships over a 35year period, the last was a marriage, 13 years ago and ended due to his infidelity. Prior to my marriage, (15 yrs prior, so a big gap to heal between relationships), I had another significant relationship, which also ended due to his infidelity.

So I have had some disasters on this front that were very painful and did some damage perhaps.

Now 13 years later and single again, I finally felt I wanted to give things another go about two years ago and try to see if someone special was out there. So joined an online dating site. Over the past year I have been involved with a chap, a LDR, both online and off, who has effected me fairly deeply in a range of emotional confusion... We really tried to get a relationship going and just seem to be more confused over time than we should be. He is quite different from previous partners, isn't a player type and also complete opposite to my 'usual' type. He however has incredible insecurities and becomes jealous very easily, rages at me at times and is really needy for validation etc. I however, am terrified of leaping into things quickly and need to feel secure, the past has taught me to be far more discerning with the next love I have. He has had very little, if any relationship experience. He constantly pushes me away, then pulls me back in. Almost like we are getting too close and he is scared of rejection, so he will withdraw. But then we seem to constantly reconnect and things feel awesome again. I can see the patterns and know intellectually this relationship is dysfunctional and also potentially that it is wrong on so many levels. So I get that....

What I don't get is what on earth I need to fix in me to help me move on, or get a grip that this isn't right. I don't understand why this bond is so strong between us. I know we both are perhaps lonely and filled a need in each other, but it seems a little crazy that I just can't get this guy out of my system. I also understand about things like co-dependency etc, so it is not driving me nuts. I am finding it incredibly difficult to walk away and not feel devastated. He makes me feel so valued and wanted...I think this is a feeling I have needed for a long time, but then it turns upside down again. The whole thing is taking a toll on me a bit and I need to find some solutions as to what I am really needing from him if I already know it is a bit ridiculous. I am fairly convinced it would never why oh why can't I feel at peace with it all.

Can anyone suggest what I should do to get my head straight on this one...It is unusual for me and I have good self esteem, confidence and know the red flags are all over the place with him. Fairly sure he has a personality disorder of some degree, certainly suffers anxiety and depression, he rages, abuses me and is sorry later. For some crazy reason I keep forgiving him. It's a no brainer for me to get it and move on etc, but I am seriously struggling to do this or work out why I am still attached. The cycles have gone on for months now and it is starting to make me wonder what on earth I need to fix in me to set myself free.

HELP! Any words of wisdom or advice steering me in the right direction or head space would be so helpful.

I'm not nuts, but gee feel I am heading that way.

View related questions: confidence, infidelity, jealous, move on, period, player, self esteem

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThanks for the update and glad to have helped.

Good luck, OP

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you, excellent post and advice. It seems that things have now hit a brick wall in any case and the man in question has fired up numerous nasty and abusive texts, clearly my niggles were justified in thinking something might be up with his mental health. It has helped me move on now emotionally and find some closure. Thanks you also helped make me stand back and look at things clearer with your advice. Difficult when you are attached emotionally to someone who is able to manipulate you and I now have seen things in me which I can work on to not repeat the same mistakes I made.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou know the saying:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

You say, I'm not nuts.... but you DO keep doing the same thing OVER and over knowing full well that it's NOT going to work, right?

(not calling you nut by the by)

I think you WANT things to work, I think you KNOW they aren't, nor will they ever. Not in reality. Being a Long Distance Relationship it IS easier to keep it going even when you know it's rotten at it's core. Because you DO NOT have to deal with this EVERY day.

I also think you are mistaken DRAMA and ABUSIVE behavior with deep feelings from his side. That the reason he keeps doing STUPID, TOXIC, NASTY stuff it's because he CARES oh so deeply.....

It's not.

The reason he DO those things is because he doesn't KNOW how to have a healthy relationship and he probably don't WANT a "healthy" relationship. Basically he wouldn't recognize a healthy relationship if it came up and bit him on the ass. Could it be due to personality disorder? Sure, someone who isn't quite in their "right mind" are seldom in a state where they should ACTUALLY be dating, they should WORK on themselves instead. Something I don't think your guy would do. He rather go off and then apologize later... It's easier and well, IT WORKS!

People stick to what they know. He KNOWS that he CAN be abusive to you AS LONG as he apologize afterward and seem VERY sincere. The things is OP, this has become a pattern with you two and it is NOT going to stop. UNLESS you break it off and DROP contact 100%.

So, there reason you have been apprehensive to move things along is because you are SMART enough to know this is not a relationship you want. Not 7 days a week, 365 a year etc. etc. you SEE the red flags, but you CHOOSE to ignore them. Why? Because you DO want a relationship. And you HOPE that because this guy is (on many levels) different from you two past partners WHO both cheated, that this one WILL NOT do that to you. Which again, makes sense ON the surface. However, you need to STOP ignoring the red flags.

You are STRINGING this guy along. Because DEEP down in your LOGIC mind you know it's NOT going to work out. YOU know this. You also know WHY it's not going to work. Yet, you keep LETTING him reel you back in after there is a distance. Don't.

Tell him you don't see a future with him, BE honest. Wish him well, and CUT all contact. Don't leave room for him to worm his way back in.

You are at an age where you KNOW better! But also at an age where you might settle for something broken instead of being single. There is no Gorilla glue that can fix this guy. Accept it and try again with someone else. And may I suggest......... next time date someone who doesn't live to far away. Someone you can get to know IN person.

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