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I have a boyfriend but I'm still in love with my ex

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 February 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hiya do you believe that’s there’s a one in life I met this man 5 years ago and I’ve never felt that way about anyone before we split up due to not having enough time for each other and I was gutted for months we decided not to speak as it would make things harder I met someone else who I’ve been with for 3 years now this last 2 months everywhere I look my ex is there I now realise I have no feelings for my boyfriend anymore I love him but I think it’s more friendship I hate feeling this way for my boyfriends sake but I can’t help my feelings I’ve tried fighting them but I can’t I get nervous and shaky when I see my ex and I feel the same about him as I did when we were together what do I do thank you

View related questions: my ex, split up

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 February 2018):

You are keeping your current boyfriend around because he provides you with emotional and financial resources but you still prefer your ex sexually because he was/is better looking, more masculine, and more alpha than your current boyfriend.

You are an alpha widow, and you will not likely be happy with any man who is of a lower value than your ex. Given your indicated age of 30-35, the chances of securing a commitment from such a man going forward are minimal.

Is what it is.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 February 2018):

Breakup with your boyfriend, he deserves to be with someone who is there for him not someone holding a torch for another man.

Once you have done that go back to your ex. Perhaps the two of you can make a go of it.

And there is no The One for everyone or soulmates. That is silly juvenile romanticism.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2018):

I'm an older and wiser guy. Back in my youth, through insecurity and immaturity I managed to destroy my first serious relationship.

After that, I never felt as close to any other woman or felt that any other relationship was as special. The memories ended up destroying many good subsequent relationships that came later.

Ten years later, I had been dating a woman for more than a year and I knew she wanted to marry. My thoughts became, why not, I'm not getting any younger and maybe we will become closer.

It ended up being a mistake because our sex drives were too different and she was not energetic in bed. That was among other things. Now I've been married for nearly thirty years and it is failing. I'll end up leaving this year. The reason is we've grown apart because we never should have married in the first place.

What would I do differently if given to live my life over? Serious counseling. I let losing the love of a great woman ruin my life. There were many wonderful women, after, that would have made a better choice than the one I married. By never resolving my hurt and putting it in the past, it was able to destroy several great relationships. The only reason this is clear now is because of counseling in the last few years.

Once a break happens, and feelings are hurt, it is nearly impossible to put humpty dumpty back together again. If you were to go out with your ex again, the hurt would show through and it would be enjoyable to neither. If there is ever a chance for you to get back together, it will be no chance unless you are able to become mentally and emotionally happy again, with or without the ex. Spend a few bucks and heal yourself for the sake of all.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 February 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDo I believe there is a "one" for us? No, absolutely not. However, I DO believe we convince ourselves there is "one" by fixating on someone, to the exclusion of all others.

If the relationship had been THAT special, you would both have MADE time for it. While it may have been that special for YOU, it obviously wasn't for your ex. He had more important things to concentrate on in his life. Maybe he felt about YOU the way YOU feel about your current boyfriend? Remember, just because YOU are totally obsessed with him does not mean the feelings are reciprocated.

Your boyfriend deserves better. Let him go so he can find someone who loves him completely. If your ex is still free, see if he can make time for you.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 February 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIts not fair to your current boyfriend to be with him while you are hankering elsewhere. Break up with him and try your chances with the ex ..... although don't be surprised if he still doesn't have time for a relationship.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 February 2018):

Breakup with the guy you're with now. You're stringing him along and wasting his time. Deal with your feelings for your ex. Who is only being so visible; because he knows he can screw-up what you have. It doesn't really matter; because you don't love the guy you're with anyway.

Go after your ex, who you'd rather have. You're only with the guy while waiting for your ex to comeback. It isn't fair you're holding on to him.

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