A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is your interpretation when a guy says that you are what he needs in a relationship, but he is scared that he is not what you need? His interpretation of need is that the girl is stable, respectable and knows what she wants in life and how to achieve it. Along these lines, if a guy says that he finds you attractive but he doesn't think he's right for you, and he's afraid he will corrupt you, what is your interpretation of that?If you hypothetically were close to a male friend and you both shared mutual feelings of one another, and you agreed to be in a relationship, but he said the above, would you likely assume he's got avoidant-attachment issues? He's mid 30's and his longest ever relationship was two years (never married).Our friendship recently fell out because he said he intended to start a relationship with me, but when the time came he panicked and told me the above. He showed me all the signs that indicated this is what he initially wanted. He knew I was someone he'd be able to have stability with and finally "settle". We haven't spoken in weeks, since I told him I felt stringed along and that our friendship would never bounce back. I'm deeply hurt. He didn't want a relationship with me, yet he keeps me as a friend on Facebook? Why bother?I just don't understand. He claimed I was such a close and good friend, to the point he fought for me to stay when I tried to end it previously. Yet he seemed to ditch me so quickly and easily this time around, but if anything his actions showed me he'd fallen deeper for me. I'm very confused.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 August 2017):
 I agree fully with N91,
You dodged a bullet. He is FULL of shit.
I say cut him off, block, remove, delete and MOVE on. There is no need to keep this guy in your life. He isn't a friend and he will never be your BF. All he will do is waste time...
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (26 August 2017):
I interpret this as him not having interest in the person he is feeding these lines to and wants to reject you w/out looking like the bad guy. I have gotten these lines before and the guys just didn't have the balls to tell me they weren't interested. They may also want to get an ego boost from you trying to prove they are good enough.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (26 August 2017):
 Let us get the Facebook part out of the way first, MANY PEOPLE HAVE 1000 FRIENDS ON Facebook, but if they are friends why can we not ask them about stuff that worries us, because MOST INTERNET friends are worth nothing in real life,
this guy sounds like a drama queen and full of shit, he is trying to get out of the relationship and still be seen as a nice guy, at best he is trying to let you down easy,
I would say forget this guy and block him from Facebook or even delete your account or at least remove all the people you have no real contact with from there and often find keeping exes can bring people more grief than they are worth
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (26 August 2017):
Perhaps you are what he needs,but he doesn't want you. He paints a lovely picture of you then decides he doesn't want those things. Perhaps he fears he wants you to 'save'him and realise how fateful that is for a relationship. Perhaps he worries you are actually a little straight laced in the long run. Who knows? Either way respect his choice. Realise that if he is still unsure now that he's never going to be and move on to a man who wants your fine qualities and can live with the inevitable less-fine ones. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 August 2017):
 Sounds like he's full of shit honestly.
If you wanted to be with someone you would, no ifs ands or buts.
He did you a favour showing his true colours before you had to find out the hard way whilst you were dating.
Block, delete and move on.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (26 August 2017):
"He didn't want a relationship with me, yet he keeps me as a friend on Facebook? Why bother?"
Being someone's "friend" on Facebook means nothing, really. My sister has BAZILLION "friends" on Facebook, and she is one of the loneliest girl I know with the lamest real life friendships ever.
The following are my opinions on your situation from my personal experience:
- He could be thinking you are not what he thought you were (although he explicitly told you the opposite). (I have thought this before)
- He could be thinking that his defects are too big to be around you (I have thought this before)
- He could that if you really get to know how he really is, behind his public mask, you could be disappointed (I've been there)
- His insecurities could blocking/controlling/sabotaging his life.
- He could have some kind social anxiety, and feels uncomfortable when getting too close to someone (I've been there, done that)
How did I overcome my social anxiety and fear of closeness? By taking risks, growing a pair of "cojones", and going through therapy. If this man is not willing to do any of those three things without you pressuring him, you are wasting your time with an scared cat. I'm not saying I'm the bravest person of the world, but I know when to take risks and when to be brave, and that if I really want something, I need to overcome those fears and insecurities. I overcame my fears at 25. If he hasn't reached this level of emotional security by his age, it's likely that he will never take the steps to change.
The best think you can do right know, is to move on. He will probably find out what he is missing when he sees you happy with a new partner and happily married (if that's what you want).
At the age of 24, I got my first and only GF, and it took me a great deal of courage to show her my feelings, even with all those insecurities I had back then.
My GF has always been very attractive, and had hordes of men courting her all of the time. Many of them were close friends, more attractive than me, with more money than me, more secure than me.
But at the end, NO ONE dared to express their feelings to her, even when they had hundreds and hundreds of better opportunities of doing it.
I was the black sheep of the crowd, and was the one that got the courage to ask her to be my GF.
I bring my story because I kind of see myself in what you describe to be that guy, because I was like him at 24, with all those insecurities coming from nowhere and everywhere, yet I was able to do something courageous, and take a big risk, and open myself and be vulnerable to a woman.
If this guy does not haves the guts for taking a big risk, open himself and be vulnerable to you, he probably is not a worthy individual for you, IMHO.
Best luck!
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