A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We r married with 3 kids. My wife has recently taken to going out with different groups of girls a lot - what I would consider to be too much. They always go to bars. She always comes home at 1 am or later drunk. I most ofen provide the babysitting to make this possible, unless I am on a work trip and she calls someone else. Just in the past 3 months she has gone out about 8 times plus a three day music festival. If I bring up that I don't like this, she get angry and VERY argumentative. She of course states I am welcome to do the same. However, I do not have the opportunity as I did not grow up here and also work with very few people. Besides. I would rather spend the time with my family or my wife. What do u think is a reasonable frequency for this to happen. It seems to me that if you are drunk, in a bar, without your spouse, often enuf - something will eventually happen - a hook up, dirty Dancing. Etc. How can, or should, I deal with this?
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male
reader, sean2020 +, writes (8 June 2014):
Going threw the same thing buddy. One thing I've come to realize, if you clearly state to your wife that you don't like when she goes out every 10 days and comes home drunk and she can't respect that and calm it down then follow these simple steps......1. Next time you know she's about to go out go and purchase some Absolute vodka....very important Absolute vodka for 20bucks.2. Find a babysitter asap. Maybe switch steps 1 and 23. Once you got step one and two down Calmly call your wife in the room gently grab her face and smoothly kiss her. While kissing slowly grub her butt...believe me it really works..... and slowly caress it...look her in the eyes and tell her Fuck the girls tonight we're getting fucked up together.4. Get out of your uptight parent mode for a night have fun like it's 1992 again, so she'll know she can have fun with you and not just the girlsAnd if this doesn't work then start going out until 1 in the morning but make sure she's the babysitter. Go out by yourself have a drink watch sportscenter until 1 or 2 and show her how it feels. And its ok to worry about your my friend your not insecure for that good luck
A
male
reader, Vansam  +, writes (11 April 2012):
Am saying this from experience -things that happen in bars when people are drank at such hours are among the best kept secrets, especially among “cliques” or very close friends. And that’s why girl groups are tightly knit. U will be shocked at the number of one night stands and casual sex that goes on. So there is VERY LITTLE chance you will ever know what really goes on when your wife is out at 1am. Neither will confrontation help. I repeat that no one will tell you! Not even the female responders here! Its always “networking”, “good time”, “catching up” etc. Having said this, I suspect your wife still craves for some validation, to know that she is pretty , lovely, sexy– things that come with the wild of the night. Unfortunately, it comes at a cost…and u know what I mean. Have you been sensitive to your wife, listened to her, and I mean LISTEN? Are there any unresolved issues? If yes, it may be time to invest some time and effort into sorting out any thorny issues. If u have done your part, then look mate, there are hundreds of women out there who are pretty and fun minus a sickening party life! I found that the hard way! Am now settled with a pretty, loving, fun woman, and yes, we do Friday nights with wine and friends! you can guess the number of phone calls from my “party girl” ex!Who said taking risks only involves investment in the stock market? Good luck!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 April 2012):
 I see this is a bit of retroactive jealousy....
Look, your wife's promiscuous past DOESN'T define who she is today. She's a mother of 3 who likes hen nights a bit too much. That doesn't mean she's going to cheat on you. So you need to let go of your trust issues.
Talk to her about reducing her nights out, coming home at a reasonable time, and not being over the legal alcohol limit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Well, to Answer some of the questions:
Would hooking up be out of character? Yes and no. I don't think she has ever cheated on me. However, her and at least one group of her girlfriends were very promiscuous at one time. When I met my wife, many years ago, she had already had sex with more people than anyone I had ever known: many one night stands, sex in the bathroom at a club, sex w two guys in one night, etc.
I do go out occasionally. However, as guys, we go DO something (golf, tennis, etc). We do not go to bars and hit on women for fun...
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 April 2012):
How old is your wife?
Did you two marry young and have children straight away? Reason I ask this, is because it seems she missed out on the college partying, pub crawl stage of her life. So it seems she's trying experience it now..minus the college part.
I believe it's fine to go out with the girls once a week and take a break from the kids, just to get out of the house. However, getting completely hammered and staggering in at 1am is unacceptable when you have a husband and 3 children at home. She's a mother, not a single sorority girl on Spring Break!
Now, just because you drink heavily doesn't mean it's going to lead to other hookups. Majority of the time your night ends hugging the toilet, not riding cowgirl on another man.
I'd have a firm talk with her and tell her where you're drawing the line. You don't have a problem with her hen nights being toned down to once a week (right?), but you do have an issue with her coming home completely pissed. As a mother of 3, I doubt she can afford to have a hangover the next day. Then maybe suggest a date night for the two of you every other week. It sounds like there's a missed connection between you two, if she's running off and leaving the kids with you.
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female
reader, doppleganger  +, writes (4 April 2012):
Personally I think it is a bit excessive, seeing the stage you are in your lives. It does not mean however that she is being unfaithful or doing anything wrong. Maybe she did not get to live this stage of her life when she was younger?
The amount of times she goes out is not really the issue though, it is the fact that your wife is doing something that you are not so comfortable with. I know you said that you tried talking to her about it and she gets angry..sounds too defensive. Maybe she feels to overwhelmed at home and that is her way of 'escaping' . Do you take her out every once in a while? Date nights, or maybe a romantic meal at home?
Good luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I'm with SVC, how does she get home, driving the family station wagon drunk or do the girls have a DD? That would be my main concern. When my kids were little I had few and far between nights out with the girls but I did do it as much as I was able, it usually helps a marriage rather than hurts it. But a wife driving drunk is a liability no matter how you slice it.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2012):
 I have 3 kids and honestly I NEVER go out to bars. I worked as a bartender and did a LOT of drinking in my early 20's so I'm soo over that. However, I meet friends once a week for lunch or dinner/shopping and hubby gets to watch the kids. He goes out with his friends about once a week as well. He doesn't drink either, maybe a beer or two.
Do YOU go out at all?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I go out with the girls at least once every two weeks...
I also plan two girls only weekends (or long weekends) a year.
I once did a ten day road trip with my bff.... left a hubby and older child at home... called nightly... had a blast would do it again in a second...
BTW the issue to me is not that she's going out but that she's going out and getting drunk... is she driving? how does she get home?
is she drinking at home too?
and to be honest if i was dirty dancing with some guy in a bar I would be dying to get home to my man and love on him.... just because girls just wanna have fun does not mean they are up for cheating or lying...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): That's what i think: she goes out almost every week, and she has alcohol. For a mother and a wife it is often. I m a mother and a wife and I go out with my girlfriend once a month, the most twice. And I have a grown up child.
When you are out things happen. They don't happen every time a person is out, but they do happen. Especially when alcohol is involved.
Justvto think why guys go out? To get some action. And they meet a woman who had quite a few, guess what happens next... A woman's judgment is impaired, and sometimes something happens.it's not necessarily be sex, but may be kiss, some making out.
Am I talking from my own experience? Yes, I m. We don't go out with my girlfriend for this purpose understand me correctly,please. And i dont kiss someone every time we go out, but within a year may be couple times during dances I kissed. I never ended up sleeping with a guy but my girlfriend for the past 3 years that I know her, did it twice, what you call one nite stands.and she is a mother of 3 also.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 So she is going out with friends about once every ten days and to me it does not sound like a whirlwind social life, it's pretty reasonable. SOME time investment is necessary to maintain friendships, and it's not your wife's fault if you are a loner or a homebody.
What I find more surprising is that she goes out regularly and always to get drunk, call me old fashioned but I don't think that's appropriate for a mother of 3.
But that she ends up drunk is perhaps your assumption, or your fear ?... I mean, getting plastered is not mandatory , I did the Manhattan bar scene for quite some time and I never came home drunk ( well, maybe once or twice at most . In years ! ) Also , I don't think that some drinks are enough to change your personality - they may lower inhibitions, but they won't MAKE you something that 's against your values. " I had drunk a bit too much " , IMO, is just an excuse that people uses to give themselves permission to do something they already wanted to do anyway but could not find the nerve to do when sober. Never heard of anybody that after a couple of Margaritas ( or even 4 or 5 ) started molesting children, or torturing animals, or pickpocketing subway riders.
So , I think the question is : why do you feel that your wife has it in her to disrespect you the moment you turn your eye ? how's the level of trust in your marriage, and if it's not the best, why ? your paranoia and insecurity, or did she gave reason to suspect her..?
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I too don't think it's too often. You have to speak to her about your insecurity. It's not necessary that going out to bars will end with a one-night stand. This is more of a trust issue and that clearly appears to be the real problem, not the going out per se.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I would say it would be reasonable to go out drinking (and staying out late) maybe once a week or once a fortnight. Seeing friends more than once a week is fine, but drinking until 1am, coming home drunk....all that when you have 3 kids is not acceptable more than once a week I think.
But if you say she has done this 8 times in 3 months, that works out as less than once a week, so I dont think she is going out too much at the moment. If it starts happening more frequently then you are right to be worried, but that the moment its not too bad really.
I think what you need to do is talk to her - but instead of saying 'I dont like it' which of course makes her angry, you should say something like 'I'm worried that when you are out drinking you will end up hooking up with another guy'. Express why you dont like it, rather than just saying you dont like it and want her to stop. If you explain your reasons behind your dislike she will be more likely to listen rather than getting angry.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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