A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is a few years older than myself and has a 5 year old daughter. We've been dating for about a year and a half and have been increasingly talking about moving in together. What I want to know is "does it sound like our relationship has an expiration date or am I being selfish?"She recently bought a little dog and a house in a small town she used to live in, outside the city that we both work within. Living in that town is a hard requirement for her. I have a house in the city that I've completely renovated myself, so selling it is bittersweet, but not unreasonable - her small town seems like a good place for a kid to grow up, even if mine is a block away from a good school. She doesn't like my taste in midcentury furniture (she has contemporary stuff), so that means all but my lounge chair would be sold. Bittersweet, again, because I'm king of a furniture geek, but not unthinkable - it's just stuff, right? Her Costco furniture isn't art, but it's new, and my stuff would look weird next to it.She's warned me repeatedly that she can't handle the sight of renovation work in her home. I get the impression that a fresh coat of interior paint is as much as she's willing to agree to. She's also expressed concern that I may spend too much time renovating if I begin that work on her house (it's pretty tired). This is difficult for me, because I have a hard time ignoring work that needs doing. But, I think I can hang up my tools to keep the peace and try to make the best of 1989.Her small town has a lot of rough or gravel roads, so I see it as a lifetime of punishment for the 240Z I bought back in high school and painstakingly restored myself. I'd have to sell the car, stop driving it or watch it age hard. Most likely I'd sell the car to not see it beaten up. So no more tinkering on the weekend car.I'm an avid amateur kickboxer, but the gym is in the city. We'd have to carpool to work, so it means to continue kickboxing I'd drive in to the edge of the city, park my vehicle, ride with her to work and then bus back to my vehicle after class to drive home. This is most likely going to be a big PITA, but it pains me to think of quitting. Just the price of commuting.Lastly, I have 3 cats. No, I did not plan for that. I had a cat. One. 2 kittens needed a home right away and I had the space (4 years ago). They've grown on me. She confessed tonight that she knows that having cat hair in her house will make her crazy. Ideally, she'd like me to have no more than 1 cat, with the stipulation that I have a vet remove its rear claws. My cats are already declawed up front (they came that way), and with her little, energetic dog, I think a cat would need its rears to keep the peace. Declawing the rears seems kind of horrible to me. Anyway, the thought of giving up stuff doesn't really worry me until I think of the cats, nevermind the declaw business. It's feeling like she wants me to give up all of the significant aspects of my life... I don't know what I would do in this potential new life. Who am I in this future? With almost all of my core interests gone, I have a hard time imagining what I would do. I'm happy to do things with her daughter, and I'd love to teach her how to do stuff... but I won't be able to do many of the things I've spent the last decade doing. So how can I even be a role model?Am I being petty or is this really as bad as it's sounding to me? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): Thanks to everyone for weighing in on this. I read everyone's responses and it was a wake-up call.
I had a serious talk with her and she relented on the cats, but she phrased it such that she'd "try living with them" ...so it wasn't outright acceptance. I suggested to her that I retain ownership of my house with intentions of renting it out for the first year. Also, that if she can get past the cats, that I'd eventually sell my place to build a modernist vacation home that we can all enjoy (saving my furniture & giving me something awesome to build!). I believe she'll press the cat issue again, though... she went so far as to say that the sight of cat hair makes her anxious.
No word of a lie, one of the cats has curled up on me my while I'm typing this - no way am I agreeing to getting rid of them (nor subjecting them to rear-claw removal).
It was really helpful to be reminded that there are other fish in the sea, so to speak. I've really just sort of done my thing, so I don't regard myself as especially attractive. It's really encouraging to be reminded that I've got options, and have made a pretty decent life so far.
I'm thinking that an eventual breakup is likely - I realized I would never have made the same requests of someone else that she did of me. That smells to some quality in her that I can't love. I really thought she was it, but this just came out of nowhere.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Totally justified in your thinking she's out of line.
Joining two homes is just that a joining of two homes.
I think the best way to explain it is to tell you how we just recently did this.
Thankfully we have no minor children to be concerned about but in any relationship at least one person has to move. FWIW I have children they are grown and I am 52 to my fiance's 38.
I owned the home I live in. He was renting so that was a no brainer. I also worked in a city 2 hours away and my job is way too secure for us to consider giving it up. We knew he'd probably lose his job as well for moving and did discuss my moving up there... but it made no sense.
(this is where you guys figure out who's place is better suited to family living)
So he had to pack up his place... and decide what to keep
we kept his bed
we purchased a new couch for one room
and threw out my old couch and used his old one for another room
his desk is in my living room although I would prefer it in another room I compromised for his comfort...
we are selling this home (he is paying to fix it up so it sells better) and buying a new place together...
oh due to his SEVERE ALLERGIES I had to get rid of two dogs... if he merely could not deal due to his OCD he would have had to deal... and I have friends that would end a relationship rather than give up pets.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2012):
 Seems like she wants you completely stripped of your belongings.
1. If you love your home, maybe don't sell it right of the bat? Rent it out?
2. Furniture. Well for me, that is a big deal. Before I met my husband I was VERY much into handmade pieces ( I had quite a few quality hand carved/crafted furniture) They are all in natural teak, which happens to be a wood grain I like. I like how it alters a little with age, the feel and texture of it. I also own a few painting that has been passed down. They were painted by my great great aunt and she actually had galleries showing all over Europa and the US. She was a good painter and I ADORE my paintings. However, with my husband being military and the potential of moving every couple of year i gave my furniture to my brother and SIL they have a similar taste to me and I knew they would enjoy them. HARD to do, but it would have broken my heart if they got destroyed in various moves. My brother also have my painting, however, they are still "mine" and once hubby retires I will pay to have them shipped. EVERY furniture we have now, we both agreed on before purchase. Though our taste isn't totally alike we compromised a lot.
3. She wants you to get rid of the cats? I'm sorry, that would be a no no for me. I also have 3 cats and no, I didn't "plan" on having any cats at all, but they chose us, what can you do?
4. you can't even PAINT the house? So you can not, aren't allowed to put YOUR mark on the home?
I think she is completely unfair in her demands.
Honestly, I think it's doomed. You WILL resent her for these demands. And if you don't give in and go all out, she will resent you.
Lose/Lose situation. I'm sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 No you are not being petty - you are having to make all the sacrifices and she gets to keep everything just the way she wants it.
Moving in together is a compromise, for both partners - you cannot expect one partner to give everything up and the other carry on with life as normal.
Take my boyfriend and I for example - we will be moving in together at the end of the month. Previously my commute has always been around an hour, whether this is staying at my current house or when I stay over at his house. I have always wanted to cut my commute down, but his work is the opposite side of an entire county compared to my work. We had selected 2 areas that were equi-distant between our two places of work, however no properties were coming up there. There was a place fairly close to my work that looked nice so we just went to have a quick look, and totally fell in love with the place. So my boyfriend now is facing a much bigger commute, but to counteract this I have said I will do all the driving at weekends to cut his petrol costs down. So he has made a sacrifice and I benefit from this, but I am making sure I give something back in return.
She cannot have everything her own way - you need to talk to her and explain what you are willing to give up and what you are not.
Perhaps one compromise would be that you sell both houses and buy a new place together, one that you can rennovate perhaps? Then you could do it in a style that perhaps allows for a combination of your older furniture and her more modern things?
Can you look for other gyms where you can go kickboxing? I'm sure there is more than one place in the entire area that you could go to, I know you may have made friends there and like the intructors/equipment etc but it would be better than all that travelling around just to get to a gym. And it would be much better than quitting!
The car is a tough one - are there not any other cars you might like to restore that could cope with the roads? I think personally if you have had it since highschool it would be a shame to sell it, this must be a posession you are very proud of so unless you can find yourself another car to work on as a project I would keep it.
The cats (to me anyway) are something you CANNOT compromise on - that would be like asking her to get rid of the dog. These are your pets, you have taken them in and it would be very cruel to the animals to get rid of them, they would end up at a new home where it would take them a while to get used to it, or in an animal shelter where they might not find a home for ages. Pets are not just possesions you can buy and sell, these are living creatures that you have decided to love and care for - they cannot simply be gotten rid of or 'declawed' just because she doesnt like them.
You need a serious chat with her, you cannot be the one that makes all the compromises so she has to meet you in the middle. Think very carefully here - she is being very selfish. Yes she has a daughter so realistically moving the child away from her current home is not a great idea, and of course you will have to make a few more compromises because she has a child. But you shouldnt be making ALL the compromises, there are some things she is going to have to accept about you as well. Little things like pets, furniture, redecorating....etc, these are things that she can compromise on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Cinnamon_girl79 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Wow. What is she giving up for you? What is she offering in return for all this sacrifice? There has to be compromise in any relationship but it should be more or less the same amount of give and take from both sides.Is she honestly worth giving up everything that is meaningful or special to you? Is she really that amazing? So amazing that you will sell your dearly loved home, your animals, your hobbies and your health giving activities ? If she was asking you to quit drinking, gambling and to get rid of a large aggressive dog then maybe that would be understandable but. .. declawing your cat and getting rid of the others?Guess its not uncommon that couples have different tastes in decor and style but she isn't even going to allow you to renovate your shared home?! I actually find this hard to believe. Tell you what, I'm an attractive single 32 year old Scottish woman who is a professional furniture restorer... I'd take you and all your cats on , in a heartbeat !Seriously, she sounds like a mega control freak.. there will be plenty other women who will appreciate you for how you are and not place such ridiculous demands on you. You sound like a total catch, someone who'd make an ideal partner! Don't go changing! And if you're tempted to give in to her demands, don't think for a moment this woman will be satisfied once you do give everything up for her. There will always be something else.. and the more you allow her to control you the less she will respect you. If you cant quit this relationship, please at least don't sell your house - what's wrong with renting it out?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 No, you are not being petty at all. It sounds as though you will be giving up your entire way of life, to be living someone else's. And you don't sound too sure to me. When your GF recently bought the 'little dog and a house in a small town', were you consulted at all? Did she consider you and the cats that you already had, when she made her life changing decision to move from city to small town? Are there going to be any compromises, or is it all about what she wants? It sounds to me, as though she know exactly what she wants, and yeah, you can come along if you want, but don't bring your 'stuff'!! This woman has made a life for her and her daughter, is there really room in it for you?
Think very hard before you make any decisions.
...............................
|
