A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend two years now and he has just told me that several years ago, during a two week period when him and his (then) girlfriend did not speak following an argument (they had not officially split up), he ended up in a threesome with a female friend and his male best mate. He said that he was drunk and it just 'happened' round this womans house. He claims he did not penetrate but pretty much did everything else. I am really trying now to get my head around this because when I said "so you cheated on your girlfriend" he said "No thats not cheating I never had sex with the woman." I'm horrified firstly that he classes that as not cheating and also that this went on. I'm trying not to judge him because obviously it was before I knew him and he had been drinking but he has amazing clarity of the incident if he was so very drunk. In addition he claims he told his girlfriend and that she was fine about it and I absolutely don't believe that at all - who would be "fine about it". My boyfriend and I had a row about this because of what he claims was not cheating and what I believe is cheating... and I am also feeling concerned that once someone tries that kind of thing then one to one sex is never really enough for them. I know I never want to share myself in that way and believe strongly it is in intimate act of love between two people - call me old fashioned. I have been really trusting of him, depsite texts and phone calls from his many female friends but this has really thrown me. He also, in a slightly twisted way, added that he attended this woman's wedding - the groom was her boyfriend at the time of the threesome. When I asked him why he went he said because she was a friend. I asked whether he didn't feel slightly guilty seeing the bloke whose girlfriend you did that with behind his back and he said "not really". I'm really bothered. Can I trust him? Does anyone have any advice?
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drunk, period, split up, text, threesome, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Both me and my wife have very different opinions on what consists of cheating. Where my wife feels that being in the same room as another woman (or guy in her case) and masturbating would be considered cheating. I am of the opinion that cheating requires physical contact. But though our views differ, I still respect her views and have and will never cheat on her. My point is, just because somebody has specific views or has done something once, it doesn't mean they will do it again.
A
female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Ok it is classed as cheating. He hadnt officially split with his girlfried.
I relly dont blame you for feeling a bit thrown after hearing this.
They say leopards never change their spots and yes in some cases this is true. Has he cheated on you upto press? Have you had any doubts about his comitment or your trust in the relationship up to press? Maybe you are feeling worriede and everything else du to what he has told you therefore making your mind go into over drive.
In my eyes the past is the past and that is where it should stay. If you have no doubts about your man before this came to light i would continue with the relationship but let him know that to you the idea of him having sex with another women, touching in a sexual way or kissing another women is classed as cheating. Also meeting up with the slight though of sex is cheating too.
Good luck
Peaches
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 I think you should keep an eye on him. I wouldn't take it as far as too break-up but I would definately make a mental note of his non-chalant attitude about cheating. In addition to that I suggest you sit him down and tell him what you expect from him in your relationship and what your definition is of cheating. To make sure that you both are on the same page, and to avoid any misundersatndings in the future.The rest is up to him. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): If he considered her a good friend, why wouldn't he go to her wedding? A lot of us out here have had sex or flings with women that are just friends. If its mutual then oh well. And if he had no friendship with the groom, then why should he feel such guilt? I know I wouldn't unless it was someone more than an acquaintance. Also, if my girlfriend hadnt spoke to me in 2 weeks...I WOULD NOT WAIT AROUND. He likely figured it was over, and was out having a good time. Who knows exactly what happened. I wouldnt drill him about it, someones sexual past is best left in the past. Sure, inform him of what you think cheating is. But remember, if you give him the silent treatment for an extended amount of time...you cant hold him to being faithful.
Just my 2 cents...
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Monica Lewensky and Bill Clinton never had sex. I'm pretty sure most of America thought he was cheating. Just saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I'd be worried too! doesn't seem like he has high morals. What I get from what you wrote that he believes oral sex isn't cheating?? is he for real! Just tell him your worried about what he said and how he feels about cheating, tell him you wouldn't forgive him if he cheated on you in ANY way. Both your lines aren't the same
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