A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Decision Junction - with zero signposts.Dear Cupid, I very rarely ask for help which I suppose is a terrible weakness really, but here I am, willing to share my problem with some genuine and caring people because, frankly, I'm totally baffled by my male best friend's behaviour and can't find any rationality in it and have no idea what to do next. I can't find closure because it seems I cannot have proper contact with him so I'm in a state of limbo. Quick history: we met at college around 18 years ago and we were extremely close, as well as having lots of other mutual friends. Obviously, once we left college to travel/work etc our circumstances changed but we always kept in touch and whenever we met up it seemed that no time had ever passed; we simply began where we'd left off. The whole story is way too long for anyone to read without falling asleep so I'll try to keep it as short as possible! I regard myself as an extremely loyal friend, very understanding and accepting of all of my friends' lifestyles regardless of, for example, their sexuality, the colour of their skin, their chosen religion or their changing attitudes and opinions because we all experience different situations and testing relationships, work pressures and myriad other problems that mould us as we mature. Of course, I am sure most of your readers do exactly the same for their friends and family too but I am just trying to quickly sum up my morals as a friend here and to illustrate how strong I believe friendships can be and how important I believe friends and family are in one's life. Looking back, I can see he did suffer from various social interactions or confrontations with great trouble expressing his emotions. He was also very tardy (and sometimes plain scared), to reply to anyone's messages, calls or letters but, conversely, very forthcoming in initiating communication by means of a lovely card or thoughtfully-written letter. Even so, his fear of any social interaction with me was never a problem when we did meet up in person. As soon as we were in each other's company we would be totally open and honest with one another, make lighthearted jokes about one another's new clothes or hair - or lack of it - and generally living in the moment as any male/female best-friendship of any stature would... or so I thought. Also, there was also a long-standing joke that he was gay (I say "joke" not because of homosexuality but because he'd only begun the rumour to get his very overbearing Mother off his back because he didn't have a girlfriend for many, many years and was sick of the questions from his Mother and all his relatives!). Throughout the years that followed, I had intimate and loving relationships with a few nice guys and a couple of nasty ones, but during this time, I never once let him down or treated him any differently. We would go out together just as before (only the two of us because I truly reasoned that whomever I was seeing at the time, surely wouldn't want to listen repeatedly to stories of our past and witness silly 'in-jokes' and banter). I would also not dream of dragging a boyfriend to a night out with one of my girlfriends either - especially those who were single and WANTED to be in a relationship - because I would never want them to feel awkward about being themselves and I'd just as strongly loathe being restricted in what I said as well!. So I basically kept everything much the same as I possibly could and we often met up for meals, went to pubs, watched films and caught up with each others' news: our friendship remained strong and virtually unchanged.Anyway, during the last 18 months I began to hear less and less from him. I also became extremely ill and literally had to hide away because of the nature of my particular illness and its symptoms. Over the last three months I tried to get in touch with him by every possible means and was actually getting quite worried, until I spoke to a colleague of his at work and realised he wasn't dead or indeed hadn't become seriously ill himself which relieved me greatly. I was still unsure as to why he would not accept my friendship on a networking site but continued to request his friendship by simply leaving the request where he could see it; but still, total silence. Then about three months' ago my brother (who he HAD accepted as a friend several months previously), called me and said, "guess what?". Of course I had no idea what was coming... and my brother said, "*name* is ENGAGED!!" I couldn't believe it and I very rarely cry over things but I did burst into floods of tears out of sheer happiness for him that he'd found someone to share his abundant knowledge with and to have that very special love and support that everyone deserves at least once in their lifetime. However, my tears of joy very rapidly turned to tears of sadness when I realised all his talk about not particularly believing in marriage and holding pretty strong views about the validity of most religions in life had, over a mere matter of months, changed quite dramatically; but as I said before, everyone has the right to their own beliefs. What had truly shocked me was that he had quite purposefully (using extreme avoidance tactics and conjuring up sometimes quite blatant lies as well as his old behaviour pattern of simply 'disappearing' whenever situations got tough.When I began to get stronger from my symptoms I wrote again, inviting them both round and expressing how happy I was for him. Silence. Perhaps many people would have left it there but, whatever his feelings were/were now or whatever was going on, I truly believe he should have the decency (still), to let me know where we stand so that I can focus on MY feelings and emotions and start to heal myself if he no longer wants me in his life. . So, after all that had happened I truly didn't believe I could be hurt any more deeply than I'd been made to feel already until I realised he'd invited just about all of our mutual friends to his wedding as well as people he hardly even knows, yet he didn't even have the decency to send me an invitation! Obviously, judging by his extraordinary and deeply hurtful behaviour I would have gracefully declined the invitation but I wasn't even granted that opportunity. I know I said this is the short version but trust me, it is! So, finally I come to the end of what must be a hideously boring diatribe (but nonetheless a vaguely cathartic exercise I suppose), and can only hope there are some intelligent, caring people out there who can offer some advice or help me know what to do for the best. I am quite sure that many readers will say, "oh, just let it go" but believe me, I already tried that, and it solved absolutely nothing - in fact I just became angry at the people still in my life and of course they had no idea why. Am I asking too much? What have I done to be totally ostracised and ignored so blatantly save for a few feeble texts over the space of two years which served only to exercise his vast knowledge of the migration patterns of birds, his extensive obsession with matters of health and safety along with minute details of various fungi and flora (!) thus avoiding tough questions not dissimilar to a very well-rehearsed politician! Help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): I can't help but think there was more than a casual friendship to this. I'm on the other end of this. My wife, then girlfriend is from a very small town. She grew up with this friend of hers, call him bob. From pre-k through high school. Best friend. She dated him for 1 1/2 years after high school. Thought she would marry him, etc. They ended up breaking up. But after a couple of weeks they still kept in contact. Would call each other every couple of weeks. And when she would take a trip home she would visit him and meet up for "lunch". Well, I started feeling like there was something more to this than friendship and I was right. She didn't want to break contact with him claiming "innocent friendship". but my gut just told me there was more too it. Long story short she met with him for "lunch" and lied to me about it. I broke up with her telling her she had the right to talk to whoever she wanted, but that I had certain things I needed from my partner in life and one of them was to love me enough to put me first. I'm never going to know what happened during that "lunch" meet up, or that whole 2 week trip but she cut all ties with him and admitted she had become hooked on him. Not in a sexual way, but an emotional need? And that wasn't fair to me. We got through it and are married now but if it hadn't been for me she still would be talking to him, having that emotional need.So maybe your male friend found someone else to fill that emotional need and there's nothing wrong with that. Out of respect for his new partner he wont contact you. There's nothing wrong with that.He should have told you something or an explination but his actions tell everything. Take what the friendship was and move on. good luck
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Forgive my suspicious mind :) but I can't help feeling that there is more to the story than what you told us.
Frankly it sounds that more than a friendship yours is a crush. Are you sure you aren't a bit in love with him ?
You seem to have put a way above average amount of energy and sentiment than one would put in a normal non romantic friendship.
And this, said by one who takes her friendships very very seriously. And yet,for instance : last hear I had a fall out with a dear friend. It was honestly not my fault and it was over a banal misunderstanding. I called my friend a couple of times offering to work out our differences serenely, she did not want. I miss her, and I regret having lost a friend over a silly misunderstanding but that's all. I do not feel hurt or angry or devastated. These things happen, people come and go, and anyway friendship must be a two way street ,and when the give-and-take is not flowing and spontaneous any more, it's time to let go without too many regrets. But obviously you feel more than that.
I 've got the feeling that your friend may have guessed,perceived or suspected a level of intensity in your friendship which made him uncomfortable, and, in typical male fashion, rather than confronting you about it,has chosen avoidance. Then, always in typical male fashion, the more you push the more he pulls away .
Of course mine is just a hunch , and since I don't know you I may be wrong- but, really, did you ever ask yourself if your feelings toward him were just and strictly non romantic ?
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (5 May 2010):
He probably feels he is being true to his fiancée by not being sociable with you.He's dumped you as a friend because you two were more than just friends. He's not going to do it explicitly because he wants you there "just in case" things go wrong. Not to say you never speak with him again, but accept that things between you will never be the same, you won't be as close, and you can put your energy and good will into your other relationships.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (5 May 2010):
 Probably nothing you have done. Probably the result of his new partners demands. All in all, your friend has trouble responding emotionally in a proper way so you should not expect this wild change in his life to be handled properly.
I also have something to say to you. You place an extraordinary value on casual friendships. I know someone who is similar to you in that aspect. She will wreck her life to "be there" for a friend. Then the friend will turn around and stab her in the back. It's very hard to watch. She, like you doesn't understand that a permanent long term partner is way way more than a friend. In her case it is because she has never had that level of commitment from anyone. Now her attachment to her feckless friends keeps her from achieving that level with any one person. She can't give her all to one, because so much of her is given to the pack.
Take that as you will. If I'm completely off base no harm was intended.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): If hes a very sensitive type, maybe something happened a couple of years ago that upset him? If hes not talking to you it can only be guess work really. He may have a partner as suggested, who is clingy and doesnt like you contacting him. He may just have changed so much over the years that he isnt the same person anymore and sees no future in your friendship. You could try sending him and his partner a lovely congrats card and wait to see if they respond. Failing that, you should just move on. It doesnt sound as if you were really that close over the years and sometimes great friendships can just fizzle out this way. So try not to be too upset x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I don't see anything else you can do but "let it go". Friends come and go in life. Even if you felt more than friendship for the guy, you still have no choice but to get busy with your own life and try to put this relationship behind you.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 May 2010):
 If it is any help you are not alone...I had a similar experience in my early 30's. I had a best friend from school and we had a very close relationship until she turned 30. She befriended some of her new flat mates who didn't like me and at the same time I was, like yourself, very ill so juggling finishing a PhD with a job and going to hospital quite a lot. She ditched me and didn't invite me to her 30th birthday party because 'you are not as much fun now you are ill'. She did attempt to reconcile the friendship once her new mates got bored but I didn't trust her anymore and it drifted from there to brief exchanges by xmas card. I think your friend's exclusion of you from his life maybe at the request of a clingy partner who doesn't want him to have female friends. It might also be the case that he is just plain shallow - you were a friend of convenience until someone else came along. From what you say, he has issues with confrontation and communication that may suggest he has a weaker personality than most. It maybe hard for him to tell you what went wrong and he may have 'switched off' his friendly feelings towards you if he under the control of another person.
I appreciate it must be very hurtful to be treated this way but you must see this behaviour says so much more about him than it does about you. You have maintained your dignity whereas he has behaved cowardly by not providing an explanation. He doesn't want friendship with you now but that is not to say that other people out there won't find you a marvelous friend. If his marriage doesn't work out then he may come crawling back looking for attention but you should remember how he has behaved before contemplating re-newing the friendship in the future.
I hope you feel better soon.
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