A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A little over a month ago I moved back to my hometown after many years of absence. Since returning I have had a few "blast from the past" encounters (in the shape of eye contact and non-verbal communication only, mostly over the frozen chicken isle in Tesco), with female acquaintances from my younger years.There are two women I'm specifically thinking of. Both had 'crushes' on me back in the 1990s when we were teenagers. At the time I wasn't interested, not because they're unattractive (far from it), but because I was pretty screwed up as a youngster and couldn't cope with the idea of having my life invaded by ANYONE, even a beautiful girl, despite the fact I strongly desired female company in an abstract way. What I really don't get though is why these women STILL shoot me hurt/upset/"are you going to say something?" type looks now, two decades on, whenever I bump into them in town. I also have the hostility of their mates to deal with, for example, the best friend of one has a daughter who goes to the same primary school my stepson, and she still gives me daggers whenever she sees me there now, 20 years after I supposedly broke her BFF's heart.I suppose my question is, is this one of those cases where gender double standards apply, or was I actually a complete b'stard back when I was young and attractive? Since then I've had some pretty intense crushes on ladies, ALL of which went unrequited, yet in those situations I've just had to admit defeat and move on whilst attempting to preserve my dignity. It never occurred to me to blame any of my girl crushes for my problems, I just either wasn't their type or they were already attached. Yet my ex crush-ees are very offended by my rejection of them, and to a much greater degree, it's almost as if they're saying "We are women. We fancied you, when it should be the other way round. We let you know that we fancied you. We made it easy for you. But still you didn't bother to approach us or show us attention. You're fired" What gives girls the right to be angry with men who did not respond to their advances and rejected them in the past? What rights do they have that we (blokes/fathers) don't?
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best friend, crush, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 December 2012):
Whats the quote - Hell hath no fury....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Anger is a secondary emotion and usually is a pyschological response to Hurt. We get hurt when we feel vunerable and perceive we have been offended/insulted.
...anger may be a “natural”—that is, a commonly occurring—social reaction to hurt and insult, yet being natural doesn’t make it good for us. Sure, “natural” foods are commonly advertised as being healthy and good for us. Poisons, for example, are also natural, and poisons, by definition, are deadly.
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/anger.htm
Its not a RIGHT to anger but it is a CHOICE.
You are upset, irritated by such a response and anger at feeling insulted by her insult- anger does that, it feeds and perpetuates. So your own resentment over the matter is one in the same.
No theirs and yours is a case when someone falsely believes ANGER is Justified. Its not.
The best, healthiest, loving thing to do is end the cycle of pain and darkness by FORGIVENESS.
I suspect such individuals were not taught that to be an Honest, Accountable, Responsible adult that is healthy and desires true happiness and peace- they must forgive others and choice to let go of daily slights.
Plain and Simple.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): "I will tell you what gives them the right. Did you flirt with them, lead them on, mislead them, string them along and after all of that, end up rejecting them? In this case, they would have every right to be angry. It is one thing to reject someone, but it is another to mislead them and then reject them."
No, I did not. If I'd done all the above I'd know full well the reason for their hostility and wouldn't need to be here asking for advice. If I was the 'player' type I wouldn't even care enough about anyone else's feelings to question my own behaviour in the first place.
Thanks for the replies everyone, in a sense I am making a mountain out of a molehill I know. It's hardly a major deal, just mildly irritating and yeah I do feel a bit guilty even though I didn't really do anything out of order. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): I will tell you what gives them the right. Did you flirt with them, lead them on, mislead them, string them along and after all of that, end up rejecting them? In this case, they would have every right to be angry. It is one thing to reject someone, but it is another to mislead them and then reject them. There are a lot of players out there who make a woman believe they are into her but never were. So, when a woman is used, abused, mistreated, taken advantage of, treated like garbage, yes, of course she is going to be pissed! And many women can hold grudges when you treat them badly/reject them. It hits them at the very core. Nobody likes to be rejected. Even the most confident people can take a hit to their self esteem.Clearly, it is because they had some emotions invested in you. And I don't think they would go that far unless you were encouraging them.Whether they are still angry all of these years later, I can't say. Depends on the person. But I am sure it is not something they forget even though they have moved on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2012):
 I think your imagination is cooking up scenarios that are far from the truth...
They might have had a crush on you in the old days, but seriously, I doubt ANY woman would hold a grudge this long. And if they do, then F it! Why worry about it? It's not like you can control what they think or feel.
Next time say hi how are you instead of the "eye contract".
And what gives them the right? Um, I'm pretty sure they can feel HOWEVER they like. Just like you have the right to feel the way you do. But you are making a MUCH bigger deal out of this then what's reality I bet you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 December 2012):
 It seems that you haven't even spoken to any of these past women so it's impossible to know what they think to be honest.
I could see a woman bearing a grudge over many years if, say, she'd been jilted at the alter or cheated on by the love of her life, but some young bloke who she had a bit of a thing for in the past???...nope I can't see many women holding on to that for years.
I did notice, however that of all the comments left for you here, you picked up on the one negative comment by a woman, who suggested as had you that maybe you were a jerk when younger!!
It seems like you get easily offended by women and maybe are looking for a bit of pay back by suggesting that all women live by a double standard...it's a bit paranoid isn't it?
Maybe these women gave you a funny look because they recognised you and you didn't say anything???, or maybe they didn't recognise you at all?? You assumed they were angry when probably they couldn't give a rats testicle who you were!!...who knows?
Either way it doesn't much matter what they thought, you are happily married and you have a different life and it seems so do they...it has nothing to do with double standards unless you yourself in particular are so occupied with the triviality of it that you are making a huge issue out of nothing?
I have rejected a few men and in turn have been rejected by a few, it doesn't bother me as it's all water under the bridge so not all women are the same.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 I think you are waaay overthinking this. These women would really have to be pitied if they really were still so hung up about some sort of rejection which not only happened back in the 1990s but also, and most importantly, when they were teens.
I don't know about you, but for me and the vast majority of the people I know, the teen dating scene was very fluid. I spent my teen years dating new people at the drop of a hat, rejecting and being rejected, ditching and being ditched, dissing and being dissed, it's like a sport for many teens. I won't say that some rejections did not hurt AT THE TIME, and did not require lots of diary pages and lots of ice cream pints to be cured, but, honestly, let 20 or 30 years pass , and real life with real problems take over, and one basically can't even remember who was the dumper and who the dumpee.
I lived away from the town of my juvenile shenanigans for 25 years or so, and it's only in the past few years that I have started again, not living there, but visiting it often.
I happen occasionally to bump into my ex playmates, those who rejected me and those whom I rejected, and , I can't bother giving a f..k about it either way. IF I still recognize them , and viceversa. Some times I say hi, or smile, some times I ignore them totally- randomly , according to my mood , how in a hurry I am, etc.
Of course, if these women were left with a negative impression of you and the sensation that you were a jerk, and in the following 20 years have had no way to change their mind, they'll be left with a generic and superficial feeling of distaste,so even more won't go out of their way to be all nice and smily to you. I mean, often there's no time and energy enough to be pleasant to your FRIENDS, imagine to some guy from your distant past who has no relevence in your current life.
I really think that all the " daggers " and " dirty looks " are 90% in your mind - maybe you are a touchy type who takes everything very personally and you are projecting on these woman they way you would act if you were in their shoes - or maybe you have a bit of a guilty conscience, LOL. Anyway, all in all, I'd say there are few chances that your teen years rejections have cut so deeply and they are STILL angry ( if they ever really were ).Most probably, they just don't bother fixing their toughts, negative or positive ,on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Do you say hello, acknowledge their presence, make some small cordial chitchat, or do you just stare back at them, then walk away? Because if you are doing the latter, they'll shoot you nasty glares from now until forever simply because you are being rude.Try saying, 'hello how are you' and maybe you'll find their countenances more friendly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Women are not men. They "feel" much more than we do and are much more vain than they like to admit. Probably seeing you has made all those old feelings resurface. Seriously, who cares? Your instinct is correct. They haven't forgotten and never will.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 The phrase 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' has lasted 300 years for a good reason.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 December 2012):
 Hi
Think your a tad paranoid,peoples lives go on, just as yours did. They probably look at you and think they recognise you,but because you've been away so long probably aren't sure its you.Just say hi to them or nod.
I don't think anyone holds grudges THAT long,not just cos some teen didn't fancy them back,more likely ot laugh about it now.I have seen people after years and thought,he's put on some weight,gone bald fast,grown a beard,aged well...you don't know whats in their mind,if anything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Well at least I've had an answer to the question "was I a jerk?" from a female perspective, thanks for that.
"Now, you're thinking that they still have crushes on you 20+ years later."
No, I'm not. Both are married, as am I. What I said was that it appears - though I could be wrong - that these women and their friends still resent me over something trivial from the distant past, and I find this odd.
It seems a no-win situation for guys when we don't want to date women who are attracted to us. We're jerks for rejecting them and even bigger jerks if we take advantage and use them for the sexual side, whilst not genuinely being interested in a relationship. I didn't do that so I don't appreciate the cattiness and awkward social situations, certainly not 20 years after the event.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 December 2012):
 What gives girls the right?? Well, I think they're no longer interested in you. You were a jerk in the past, and they got over it, and got over you.
Interesting that in the past, you blew off women right and left because you were immature. Now, you're thinking that they still have crushes on you 20+ years later. They don't. They're just not interested.
It's cause and effect. Women don't forget guys who screw their friends over. Now you're simply getting a taste of rejection yourself, and not because of some secret 20 year vendetta you think these girls have for you. It's simply because they're no longer interested in you.
Instead of getting all mad and thinking "what gives them the right", why not be contrite, tell the people who know you, "I was a really immature jerk 20+ years ago, and I've matured since then". Then do what all guys do and ask girls out NOT expecting to be the king of your hometown anymore.
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