A
female
age
30-35,
*rinmarie
writes:hey everyone, im 17 and my boyfriend wants to have sex, it would be my first time, i ready the only thing i worry about it the pain... what does the pain compare to so i know what to espect? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (4 July 2010):
If you are as uncertain, fearful, and apprehensive as your question sounds, you are not ready for a sexual relationship with your B/F. The greatest pain may come after you realize that going through with this was a mistake.
For the record, most women report that their first sexual intercourse was somewhere between "very uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell". Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice, but it's only around 20% or less who say it was anything like a "bloody mess".
At the very least, spend some time - any where from several days, to a few months - learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Make sure he understands and agrees to this.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (In fact, her first time and my first time were the same time. It was rather painful for her, and a bloody mess.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month. There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
A
female
reader, bad romaance  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Im 17 too and had sex for the first time about 3 and a half weeks ago. I will suggest you use lube as it hurts unless yous do a lot of foreplay before hand. Basically he will have to be slow and gentle with you as you will be all tight and it feels like something is sticking into you that is not made to fit. the pain is really your hyman ripping and there will be a bit of blood afterwards. Lubed condoms are also ideal for the first time not as sore. But on my first time after he stuck it all the way in i had to stop and we waited again until next week to try again but it wasnt as sore. I know half the stuff I wrote there you didnt ask for but I thought it could be helpful :) Good Luck
Shauna X
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 I am a bit concerned because you say textually " my boyfriend wants to have sex ". And what about you ? Do you want it too, do you want it real bad- or are you just going along with the plan to make him happy ?
In this last case, it will probably hurt. Because you will be all tense and contracted.
Everybody is different, and there may be exceptions, but in general, if a woman is relaxed and lubricated, the pain is absent or minimal. Personally I compare it to a paper cut.
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