A
female
age
26-29,
satindesire
writes:Right about at the onset of puberty, a lot of people start thinking about who they would like to lose their virginity to.Losing your virginity is one of the single most important decisions a person can make for themselves. Once you give it away to someone, you can -never- get it back, so losing it to someone you really care about is vital to making sure you don't regret it in the future...and unfortunately, a lot of people DO end up regretting their choice.You should never have sex with someone under pressure. If someone wants you to have sex with them and you're not ready, no matter WHAT age you are, please wait until you are 100% sure you -are- ready. People can be very impatient for sex sometimes, but above what they want or think about you, YOU have to respect yourself and your choices. If you lose your virginity or have sex with someone when you're not ready, it will be something you will think back and wish you could change when you are older.To girls, a lot of women think that having a hymen makes them a virgin. The 'cherry' as it's referred to is a thin membrane kind of like skin that partially closes off your vagina. It has an opening to allow vaginal discharge and menstrual blood out. Some women are born without hymens (the same way some women are both with red hair), and hymens are usually quite fragile and can be easily broken by strenuous activity (such as dancing, running, horseback riding), tampon insertion, other forms of sexual activity such as fingering or oral sex, or masturbation. Having a hymen does not make a girl a virgin. There ARE surgical procedures that can give a woman a new hymen after hers is broken, however, that does not erase her past. The best thing to do is be honest with yourself and your partner, and only have sex when you're 100% sure you want to. That way, you will never have to regret the choices you make in the future.Before you go ahead and have sex, I want to let you in on some valuable information that you really should know. This is going to be quite long, but please take the time to read it all because the message I'm bringing to you is highly important and could very well save your life or your future.I can say with plenty of my own experience and other people's shared experiences on this website and others...that not a lot of people enjoy sex the first few times they do it.The only reason sex will be special for you is the fact that you are doing it for the first time. Young sexually inexperienced people, both men and woman, are often too shy to talk about what they want and like (even though the act of sex is more intimate than talking about sex, go figure) and so first time sex is often unsatisfying, awkward, confusing and disappointing.Not only that, but first time sex is often quite painful for the woman, and the man in question can be so nervous or so used to masturbating that he either loses his erection, ejaculates far too quickly, or feels too little stimulation to reach orgasm at all. Men can sometimes get used to the sensation they get while masturbating, which they can sometimes do very fast and very roughly, and since that is what they like...many of them assume that is what SHE will like too, which is oftentimes -FALSE-.It takes, sometimes, YEARS of practice, knowledge and experience to 'get good' at sex. "Special" sex is the really good kind of sex, when you've been together with someone for long enough that you know exactly what they like and what brings them to satisfaction. The first few times you have sex it won't be anything NEARLY as good as down the road when you both open up and stop being so worried and nervous.Until you know your own body, you cannot teach your partner how to please you. Heterosexual couples have an especially difficult task in creating an open line of communication during intimate activities! Since men are not born with a clitoris, they often don't know where or what it is, what it's for or how to even touch a woman's body in the correct way so as to not hurt her. Since men are not mind readers, she must speak up about the kind of touch SHE likes. Since women are not born with penises, she will only have her own experience to go by and will not understand the rights ways to touch a man's body, so communication is critical when being intimate with someone.If you have ever masturbated to orgasm before, make sure that you teach your partner how to touch you correctly if they don't know how to already. If a woman has an orgasm before her partner tries to penetrate her with his fingers or penis, it will not hurt as much because her muscles will be relaxed and her will have more natural lubrication in and around her vagina.This paragraph is especially for girls: Most women can only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation and cannot reach orgasm at all through intercourse since the penis does not usually touch the clitoris at all while penetrating the vagina, so do not feel as though there is something 'wrong' with you if you cannot orgasm during intercourse...you are normal. In order to reach orgasm during intercourse, I use a small clitoral stimulating vibrator on myself. My husband enjoys this activity as well, as he can also enjoy the enhanced stimulation from the vibrations. It is not unusual, 'freaky' or strange for a person to own a sex toy (or many!), millions of sex toys have been sold all across the world, and millions of people own them. If you are too embarrassed or too young to go into a sex toy store in your area, you can buy one online from the thousands of websites that are available on the internet.Something to keep in mind for both sexes: Intercourse, in my opinion, is not necessary for a woman's satisfaction, as women can more easily reach orgasm through manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris...or if there is a vibrator involved. But! A woman's orgasm is just as necessary for sexual happiness and involvement as a man's orgasm, so keep trying. The first few times your partner touches you in an intimate way, you probably will not orgasm since it is another person, a new person, and it takes practice to know what a different partner likes. Patience is critical here, on both your parts.Lastly, protect yourself from STI's and pregnancy. Before you two get sexual in any way, make sure you BOTH visit a clinic and get a full STD workup...including the blood tests for AIDS and hepatitis. You all have enough on your plate to worry about a potentially fatal disease -or- a child. Use at least two proven methods of birth control, three if you're really smart. Hormonal birth control such as the pill, patch, shot or ring are great, but using a condom AND SPERMICIDE (test it on your inner arm first to make sure you aren't allergic) will further protect you and your future.But remember, sex is risky. There is NO 100% absolutely safe method of birth control or STI prevention, the only way to NOT get pregnant or catch anything is to avoid all sexual contact whatsoever...so before you have sex, make sure your partner and yourself BOTH AGREE on what you will do if you get pregnant or catch a disease. These kinds of talks are hard, but NECESSARY to your sexual health and well being.Good luck.
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aids , clitoris, condom, discharge, ejaculate, erection, fingering, her past, hymen, muscle, oral sex, orgasm, sex toy, shy, sperm, std, tampon, the internet, the pill, vagina, vibrator Reply to this Article |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (1 November 2009):
 thank you this was very helpful and informative.
A
female
reader, pinkgoblin15 +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Very nicely done with this article =)
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female
reader, hotredhead  +, writes (7 August 2009):
 hey definitely the best article I've read on this site, very helpful and you're one of my favorite posters :P thankyou xx
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Hey Anon, maybe you should read the whole article before commenting, because you have just made yourself look really silly!
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female
reader, satindesire +, writes (20 July 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your opinion, anon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): ok so.i did NOT read this whole article so i may sound ignorant... well because in this came i surely am! "Losing your virginity is one of the single most important decisions a person can make for themselves. Once you give it away to someone, you can -never- get it back,"in response to that...i dont think losing your virginity is one of the most important decisions you can make for yourself. its really not a big deal. sure you should feel a "special" connection with the person blah blah blah but really does it matter? how many girls have had sex with ppl they arent together with etc? a lot of them dont regret it whatsoever. (sure there are also many who do regret it)you never get it back , yes, but does it matter? how many times does a healthy social human being have sex during a lifetime? thousands and thousands! so why does it matter what the first time is? the remnants of your first man will not remain in you vice versa.so just regarding that one sentence... i think people need to be more open minded. not that i dont think waiting is good. just sayingg...
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reader, Fifteen +, writes (4 July 2009):
thankyou for writing this article. im not giving up m virginty yet, thankyouu! this really helped!
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reader, daletom +, writes (4 May 2009):
"satindesire", if I can again add to your comments -
Many think that most of a girl's discomfort (OK - it's more than "discomfort" for many; even to the point of "hurts like hell") at first intercourse doesn't come from rupturing the hymen but rather from stretching her vaginal muscles. If that is true, then giving her an orgasm before attempting insertion is ESPECIALLY important since it relaxes those interior muscles.
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reader, satindesire +, writes (2 May 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you amy!
Yes, there are a few things you can do to make the pain a little more bearable the first few times you have intercourse.
When a woman has an orgasm, it relaxes her vaginal muscles and will make penetration much easier. Not only will you have an increased amount of vaginal lubrication because of the orgasm, your muscles will be softer, warmer and more relaxed which will in turn make the penetrative act much more comfortable. You will probably still feel a little discomfort, especially the very FIRST time you are penetrated because the hymen is like any other skin with blood vessels and nerves (just like the skin on the palm of your hand or face, it's very nerve and blood rich.)
So, make sure that your partner or yourself stimulates your clitoris until you have at least one orgasm (some women are multi-orgasmic, but not all.) so that the actual act of sex is more comfortable. Not only that, but since intercourse won't be likely to bring you to orgasm (since the vagina isn't as sexually sensitive as the clitoris) you will be satisfied and not disappointed if your partner doesn't last very long.
Also, having your partner wear a condom and use a water-based lube (purchased at any drug store or online if you're too embarrassed to get it in person.) will ease the friction and discomfort.
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reader, amyasks  +, writes (1 May 2009):
hey!i just wanted to thank you for that amazing post!its just that i am a 23 year old virgin;and in my country sex is still considered a very personal and private topic..so i find it hard to ask questions and get satisfactory answers from the people around me.girls who loose their virginity are considered to be 'impure' or 'too forward' and that results in them keeping any sexual act or experience a secret.the issue of pain during first time sex is a very real and paralysing fear for me..any tips on how to make it any easier?and i saw some of your replies to other posts..you're doing a really good job:)
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reader, nydae +, writes (27 April 2009):
omg thank you so much!
I've been thinking about having sex with my boyfriend just because he wanted to. I know I'm not ready yet and this helped me immensely!
thank you thank you thank you!
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reader, satindesire +, writes (8 April 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Gossamer, that was incredibly sweet and heartwarming to see! God bless you too honey!
I was born with a natural affinity for understanding human behavior and human sexuality and have had many experiences in practicing such...as being a volunteer school counselor in high school, and I also -did- study psychology in college as a matter of fact!
I trust that these God-given talents were blessed on me for a good reason! After I have my baby, I am looking forward to going back for my Masters so that I can hopefully pursue a career in kink-aware couple's or marriage/family counseling.
I have always had a strong desire, ever since I was a child, to help men and women learn how to communicate. I believe that many relationship problems can be solved by merely teaching people how to correctly talk to one another, openly and without fear. Frank and honest communication between relationship partners (plus good sex) equals a happy relationship!
I have learned a great deal in my own past, with each new relationship I have had, on how to deal with and communicate correctly with the different genders. Each relationship I have had has taught me different things about sex and sexuality, communication and frankness, and empathy.
I believe STRONGLY that the divorce rate in this world would be less than HALF of what it is today if we all understood how to talk to our partners. I also believe that God has set upon me a charge to use those God-given abilities to understand and empathize with humans, in order to do the good work of helping both genders understand each other. If I can help even just one couple from divorcing, or one couple from breaking up, then I have done my job and can die peacefully knowing I did what I was set on earth to do.
Sometimes I can come across as a bit caustic and slightly sarcastic in my advice, but I ALSO believe strongly in personal responsibility and common sense, even though I have gotten a little flak and plenty of negative ratings on this site. Sometimes I feel that some people need a good swift kick in the pants when they're acting stupid...and I refuse to coddle people that are being immature, selfish or dense.
I'm so pleased that my article helped you. Please pass it on to whomever you think may need it, and I deeply appreciate your support, prayers and blessings.
Godspeed.
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reader, Gossamer +, writes (8 April 2009):
This article is insightful and very well written!
It has really helped me to affirm my morals concerning sex.
You're an inspiration to us all!
Thanks so much and God bless.
P.S. I was just wondering - have you studied psychology at school/university? I ask because you seem to understand human behaviour in such great depth! If you haven't, perhaps you should consider studying it because you appear to have a natural aptitude for empathising with others!
Again, thanks for enlightening us all. You should be extrememly proud of yourself!
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reader, daletom +, writes (3 April 2009):
THANK YOU VERY MUCH for that article!! It's good to hear about this from a female perspective.
I'm especially pleased that you emphasized the realities of first-time sex: it's almost never a GREAT experience for either guys or girls if you judge it by the physiological mechanics. Popular culture, movies, books, etc romanticize the first time into an ecstatic physical experience - which is almost always far from the truth.
But the first time IS, as you pointed out, a very special and meaningful event for almost everybody. That's the message that seldom gets spoken: there are mental and emotional dimensions of sex that are at least as real, and and at least as significant, as the physical.
(For the record, I was 23 when I had my first-time. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us!)
May I continue your excellent article by adding a few points? Feel free to disagree if you think I don't have my feces amalgamated about this - like you said, there is a need for more open dialog on the topic.
It's normal to be nervous, even fearful (not necessarily a bad kind of fear) about your first sexual experience. Some couples actually DO take reasonable steps (either deliberately or unconsciously) to get themselves physiologically ready to add sex to their relationship. Unfortunately, many lack respect for their sexuality and don't value it. Are you mentally and emotionally ready for this step? Have you talked about what it means to each of you, what you expect from each other, subjects like "life partners" or "marriage", etc?
There is plenty of factual information available about becoming sexually active - it gets asked 3 or 4 times a week around here. {For proof of that, look through the threads tagged as "virginity" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/category/virginity ] or "still a virgin" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/keyword/still a virgin ].}
Some threads I contributed to include "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
A few comments about specific things some people wonder about:
- Guys are generally not as vocal as girls during sex. This bothers a lot of girls, who get insecure wondering if they are pleasing him, afraid they're not "doing it right", or worried they "aren't as good at it" as other girls. Girls can gently encourage him to be more expressive (without faking it!). It will probably take a while before he cooperates, though. On the other hand, he almost certainly gets a lot of satisfaction from her sounds. If you're a girl, don't clam up! Your non-verbal vocalizations are actually a VERY powerful feedback mechanism to teach him how to pleasure you!
- Practice, practice, practice. The best way to learn how to pleasure your partner is by being with your partner, both in and out of bed. Everybody has mental and emotional factors, as well as physiological, that affect their ability to both give and receive sexual pleasure. (For instance, a strict upbringing that emphasized ALL extramarital sex as wrong, and that married sex should be done in the dark - as quickly and quietly as possible - and only once (per child).) You may not even be able to tell your partner how best to give pleasure. Both guys and girls must learn to "read" their partner's body and responses - which is actually a very loving and rewarding thing to do as you add sex to your relationship!
- When it is time for your first time, go someplace where you have total privacy and plenty of time. At least most of a day, or an entire overnight; a whole weekend is better. It's NOT something that can be done well in the back seat of a car, or in 20 minutes while your roommate runs out for cigarettes. Rent a hotel room is a good idea, so there is plenty of privacy, bathroom facilities, and there aren't any neighbors to worry about!
- Candles, music, champagne, flowers, etc, etc, can be a memorable romantic touch - or a source of stress as you worry about making everything "just perfect". Don't let the external details get in the way of what you're doing with each other. In retrospect, I DO wish that my wife and I had done some kind of ceremony, or exchanged some trinket gift, after we took each others' virginity.
- Lights on or off? Women are often insecure about their bodies, but that goes for guys, too! In fact, if appearance is a major worry, you're probably with the wrong person - ESPECIALLY if it's your first time. I think most people like subdued lighting, and enjoy letting their partner see their body. I certainly enjoy seeing my lover's body and her responses to what we do! If you aren't yet comfortable with shared nakedness some compromise may be appropriate. (Or, it could indicate you aren't quite ready to add sex to your relationship.)
- The consensus seems to be that it's less uncomfortable for a girl if she's on top for her first intercourse. That gives her the control to make things line up "just right" and proceed at the best pace. The guy has NO IDEA how it's feeling to her, and not much more information about where the entrance is, the best angle to enter, etc. But, being on top may also feel so awkward and embarrassing that she can't do it. The pain she experiences the first few times may range from "none at all" to "hurts like hell". Recent studies indicate that much of it probably comes from having some internal muscles stretched for the very first time, rather than rupturing her hymen. And - it isn't mentioned very often, but some guys actually have discomfort and pain the first time they have sex. (I did!) The worst part about that, is the embarrassment of realizing, "Hey, I don't really know what I'm doing - and now SHE knows that I don't know what I'm doing!".
- (I may get flamed for this.) Think carefully about the "condoms" decision. Both pregnancy and diseases are VERY REAL problems that you can not ignore!! But "condoms" isn't the only answer. The fact is, inexperienced couples are likely to use them incorrectly - and get none of the protection they are needing and counting on. Your first time will involve a lot of nervousness, fumbling, and learning - learning to use condoms will be one more thing on a long list of things. Consult with health professionals and see if there are other approaches to birth control and disease prevention that are more suitable for your first experiences.
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reader, Charlotteannex +, writes (2 April 2009):
 Thanks for posting this article, it really helped me.
Very well written
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): thank'z so much x
it'z been a massive help
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reader, satindesire +, writes (20 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much Candy, you really made my day by saying my article was "sexy"! That was truly sweet of you!
Sadie: As to your question about talking about sex with your partner, at this point you've already HAD sex, so you've done the most intimate thing you can do with someone. Talking about it is relatively easy once you get over any shyness that you may have about verbalizing something as simple as sex.
You really should identify why you feel embarrassed about talking about it when you've already DONE it. Were you raised in a household that taught you that sex was 'bad'? Did your parents not speak to you openly about sex? Did you have any sort of past sexual trauma as a child?
One you know what has caused you to be so frightened of speaking about something you've already done and experienced, you can now move onto talking about it with your partner.
The best time is anytime you're not having sex. When you two are alone is usually the most comfortable, but if you bring it up right before, during or right after sex it may be a little awkward. Talking about sex is a wonderful way to make sure that both parties are being satisfied when they are in a sexual relationship, and it's quite necessary in order to learn.
I know my answer was a little vague, but in the end only you can decide when you're ready. The most important thing you can do is figure out why you're scared and then move past it. Since you've already had sex, that should be relatively easy.
Good luck.
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reader, sadie07 +, writes (19 March 2009):
good article. i have had sex with my first partner and your advice was well recieved. however i have a question: You mention about talking and discussing about sex with your partner. I am kinda shy when it comes to starting conversations about this. How do I starta conversation easily wiht him??
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reader, CandyCakes +, writes (17 March 2009):
This is a truly sexy article. It condenses all the misconceptions that people have about sex into a small bite sized morsel.
I would like to echo everything you've said. It's all true absolutely!
Yes, having sex before you are ready or for bad reasons (anything other than a. you absolutely want to or b. you absolutely love the person and want to) is as awful as all that. You will regret it terribly. Especially if you do fall in love and they waited, but you didn't. This is what happened with me and my boyfriend. I waited for it to be real deep love, and he...didn't. He considers it his worst mistake ever. But since he was depressed, young, and confused, I can forgive him.
And for me, I felt weird for a long time about not being able to orgasm with vaginal intercourse. But I know that that is normal. This has reminded me to bring it up to my boyfriend because I can't keep not answering his questions when he asks if I came...
Again, thanks! I'll save this for when I need to talk about it with my kids.
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reader, satindesire +, writes (16 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the kudosm D2B!
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reader, dr.2.be + ♥, writes (14 March 2009):
 Well written article. I think everybody thinking about having sex for the first time should read this.
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reader, satindesire +, writes (14 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks DM! High praise coming from one of my favorite posters. 3
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reader, DoubleM + ♥, writes (14 March 2009):
 Girl, this is beautiful.
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reader, satindesire +, writes (11 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood luck Ginger! Use at least two methods of birth control!
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reader, ginger:] +, writes (10 March 2009):
![ginger:] agony aunt](/avatars/60d9405e-5205-472f-87c5-77bfed9163be.png) thank youu so much.
this really was helpful:]
i'm very confident about my decision now and appreciate youu refering me to it.
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reader, satindesire +, writes (9 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAppreciate it, AM! Glad I could be useful!!
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reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (9 March 2009):
I'll be using a link to this from now on. An excellent article!
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reader, satindesire +, writes (6 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jez! Even if I only help one person make the right decisions, it's worth it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Great article! We just recently had the sex talk with my preteen daughter and I had her read this as a back up. Very informative, helpful, and well written!
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female
reader, satindesire +, writes (5 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Star! It took a while to type but I think it was worth it!
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male
reader, OtherStarfish +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Fantastic article and should be mad compulsory for all - good advice on not just virgins, but also on sex in general.
Hugs, Star.x.
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reader, satindesire +, writes (5 March 2009):
satindesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tish, you're the best!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (5 March 2009):
 Thanks for posting this thoughtful, thorough and well-written article! I think it'll be really helpful for people who are considering their first time. I am going to use it as a resource link in answers to those people.
Thanks again!
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