A
female
age
30-35,
*yjamaLama
writes:I'm nearly 17 and haven't had sex yet. I'm not too bothered as I'm waiting for the right person to come along as a lot of people tell me that it's the right thing to do. However, I do get extremely horny and masturbate and watch porn quite a lot, is that bad? I also think penis' are the ugliest things ever, and I actually get aroused over women masturbating too, even though I'm straight, well I think I am anyway. Is this normal?I've also been researching a lot about sex and that and the first time and everything, does it hurt everyone? I mean, I use tampons and ride a bike a lot so I know my hymen has already been broken, but I'm just really scared in it REALLY hurting me. Loss of virginity stories etc would be really interesting if you wouldn't mind and any tips, comments, help etc?Sorry for the extra long question :)Many Thanksxxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (24 August 2008):
I agree with your waiting for the "right guy", and the "right time", to start having sex. Stick with that belief!
For most people, sex is more than a physical process. There's a lot of emotional and mental things mixed in with it, but I don't think anybody begins to understand that until they have experienced it. People at your age - encouraged by the Hollywood and Madison Avenue stereotypes that deny anything beyond the physical - are especially focused on the physical things like "how do I learn to kiss?" or "what's the first time like?". I don't mean that comment to be the least insulting - it's just a statement about where you are in life, in our current culture.
I'm not concerned about your masturbating, unless it becomes something you do instead of interacting with people (or worse, to avoid interacting with people). The porn is, at best, just a visual stimulus. Unfortunately it's probably giving you a lot of incorrect information about sex and how to have mutually pleasurable sex with your partner.
The first time I had sex hurt me - and I'm a GUY! You can do the research and find the reliable studies, but it's safe to say a large majority of women experience something between "moderate discomfort" and "hurts like hell!" the first time they have sex. That's the bad news. The good news is - in most cases, it probably doesn't need to be that way. The better news is - if it's with the right guy, at the right time, it doesn't matter in the long run.
Rupturing the hymen is one source of first-time discomfort. More recently, researchers believe much of a virgin girl's pain comes from stretching her internal muscles. Your vagina is surrounded by rings of muscles, which have never been exercised or stretched until your partner's erection slides into you. The general advice is that a good orgasm just before attempting insertion will make you as open, lubricated, and relaxed as you'll ever be; and you taking the active role in guiding your vagina around his penis (probably by being in a woman-on-top position) will help you find the best location, angle, rate, depth, etc for minimizing your discomfort.
For the record, my own first-time story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Of course, it's written from a guy's perspective because, well, I'm a guy! Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us!
In truth, I was very disappointed and ashamed of my performance and behavior when my wife and I exchanged virginities (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. I did a lot of reading and some counseling after that to find out what we should have done differently. I will never have a chance to use that information myself, but I can pass it on to others. I wrote a lot of it in the thread "First time - painful?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/first-time---painful.html ]. You might also look at what I wrote to another guy in the thread "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ].
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (23 August 2008):
Hey,
Now I am the type of person who cries with only a tiny bit of pain but suprisenly i didnt cry when i first had sex. It didnt really hurt at all. In fact, there was no pain, just a weird sort of feeling i guess you could say...its hard to describe.
Whether or not it will hurt depends on alot of things. The fact that your hymen is already broken will probably decrease any pain. So thats a good thing. Other things that play a role in whether or not it will hrut is if you are turned on and relaxed. If you are turned on, and are having sex out of your own will, if you are relaxed and so on it will be alot less painful. Also if you are with a guy who is considerate and knows its yoru first time, he will probably go slow, which will help as well. If hes rough and goes fast it will probably hurt. So when your first time does come make sure you are relaxed, turned on (plenty of foreplay), and taking it slow.
As for your other questions, no its not bad to masturbate heaps. Its typical of people your age to be pretty horny.
Hope this has helped you!
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A
female
reader, :):):) +, writes (23 August 2008):
Its completely normal to get turned on by either sex masturbating as you are essentially turned on by their reaction.
You have done the right thing waiting, most people lose their virginity and regret it. Including me, half way up a hill isnt exactly romantic is it? lol
I'll be honest the first time isnt the best time, it may hurt a little bit but it isnt anything unbearable, just a bit uncomfortable. But once you get used to it, it is worth it completely.
Make sure you take it slow and let him be gentle with you. If you are really concerned, let him know how you feel before hand.
Good luck
xxx
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