A
male
age
36-40,
*aleKing
writes:I'm 29 and my girlfriend is 27. We've been together for 5 years, lived together for 4. Our relationship is and has been going well in most respects. We rarely argue and suit each other nicely.Unfortunately we have fairly different sex drives (mine being higher) and since my gf has begun grad school the amount of sex has gone from just-enough to fairly-rare to only-on-special-occasions. I've raised the issue a few times and she's responded with immediate concern, promises to do something 'special' and then...well: nothing. It's pretty apparent that sex is just not something she desires or is thinking about right now. She's never been that sexual of a person but I had come to terms with that -- she'd always at least recognized that it was an important aspect of a romantic relationship and seemed to enjoy what we did do. Now it seems like she's shut the ole sex drive down almost totally. Needless to say, I don't have that ability.I'm at a bit of a loss as to where to go from here, which is why I'm asking for suggestions. I've considered letting her know more firmly that this is hard for me, but, frankly, I'm not all that interested in intercourse with someone who views it as an obligation. Sure, I could essentially 'demand' that she put effort into it but that really just sounds awful for both of us.The bottom line is that, while it's not my proudest sentiment, I'm starting to resent her for it. I made a commitment to only have sex with one person and she doesn't seem interested. This is the one thing that I can't go elsewhere for, which makes me feel really boxed in. I know she doesn't see it this way, but I feel like she's holding my sex life hostage.I think it's important to add that while she's gotten much busier and more stressed since she's started school, this isn't totally an issue of time. She takes plenty of breaks from schoolwork when she's at home -- she just spends them watching shows or reading or chatting on the phone. At the end of the day we live together and have no children. There are opportunities.She's in school for another 2 years. What do you suggest I do here? Is this a problem I should be concerned about more long term? It makes me worried about what will happen if we, say, have kids. Women: can you really just 'shut down' your sex drive for the sake of convenience and then turn it back on, or do you think something deeper is going on here, e.g. she's just lost desire? Any input would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Rather than give you my lengthy diatribe about sex and relationships.... I'll just give you the "Reader's Digest" version:
If two people who want to be in a relationship have vastly different sexual desires that relationship is DOOMED.
Sorry,
Good luck....
A
female
reader, tibob  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I think that the best way is to talk to her and let her know how awful you feel about it. This is driving you away from her. But as you rightly pointed out, you don't want her to do something as an obligation. She has to want it and it has to come from her heart. Otherwise, she will change only to make you happy. It's not sincere. You said that she has plenty of freetime but she spends her freetime chatting and on the phone. This shows that she does not feel the desire to come to you for sex. Even when a woman is stressed, at some point in time, she'll want to enjoy sex with the man she loves. Maybe, she's just like this. She has a lot on her mind and for her sex is not a prioirity or she does not feel the need for it as often as you
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I hate to say it, but it won't get any better. You are both sexually incompatible. It's not stress, or a special occasion, or a temporary fix. It's one thing if you were wanting it twice-per-day and she's only wanting it three times per week. Then I'd say that working out a compromise is worth a go, but you're talking about only on special occasions, like twice per year on birthdays or whatever? Yeah, that's pretty insurmountable. If she's not even helping you out when she's stressed (i.e. oral sex or mutual masturbation), then it's pretty dire.
I don't think that an ultimatum will do any good here, because she'll make a temporary effort only to fall back into her patterns. It would get worse when children are on the scene.
Best thing to do is to move on. I applaud you for not cheating on her, and you need someone who is a bit closer to your sexual level. I'll tell you this -- if your sex drive is indeed twice-a-day level, you might have to learn compromise with pretty much any woman you are with, but there are a lot of other women who crave sex a lot more than special occasions.
Finally, I'm going to come right out and say it...do you know that 86% of women are reported to have faked orgasm on occasion and a good percentage of women do it as a way of life, and many women have never had an orgasm period?
One thing I know -- a woman who is having a regular orgasm with her partner tends to be a bit more hungry for sex. How's your technique? Do you go down on her at length? Do you know the telltale sign of whether a woman is faking it or whether it's real? I'll give you a hint -- it's not her moaning. Trust me on this. When you feel her clitoris pulse against your tongue, then you know you're doing something right. (My apologies if that's too graphic!)
Sex is hands down one of the all-time greatest stress relievers in existence. It has to be done right! Any woman who deals with a selfish lover (not saying you are one!) or an inept one or if they don't know how their own body works is going to not want it either. Does she masturbate on her own? Can she bring herself to orgasm? Do you know how she does it if she can? Do you have a detachable shower head (the way many girls have their first orgasms flying solo)?
It's more than just "I want it more than she does", but make no mistake. If you up your game, try to get her to try new things, and she makes no effort in becoming sexually adventurous or even opening her eyes to the possibilies of pleasure both solo and with you, then you might want to move on, because if she won't make the effort, no ultimatum will save you from a lifetime of virtual celibacy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): When women who have the time and energy for sex yet don't feel like it anymore its usually because of how they feel about you. Sorry to say but I think she doesn't find you "arousing " anymore, whether it means romantically or physical attraction or some thing else. Have you gained weight? Do you romance her? Or does romance always lead to you wanting sex? Does she feel like you are only interested in her for sex (that's a sure way to turn her off) . Does she respect you? If a woman feels that her partner doesn't measure up anymore she will lose sexual attraction to him.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I'd have a serious topic not with an ultimatum but to determine whether there are other factors going on here. I have to say, I'm in law school and am regularly stressed. This has taken a very noticeable toll on my libido too. ask her what you can do to help.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Maybe its a phase or maybe its just the simple fact that she doesn't have as high a sex drive as yours. I think you should have a frank talk with her and tell her whatever you've told us, perhaps even show her what you've written. Communication is the key here. She needs to know that the issue of the lack of sex is bothering you to this extent because I have a feeling that she doesn't really know. See what she says. If you feel that after all the effort she's still not interested, then you have 2 choices. Either you accept her lack of sexual desire and go on with your lives or you break up with her and find a partner who is more sexually compatible with you.
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