A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need advices for my current situation.I am 28 this year. I have been with my hursband(P)for 6 years and married for 2(excluded). He was my first bf. we are chinese and went to Australia study together. 6 months after got married, I had an affair with my working colleague(H). when i first found out i fall in love with H. i didnt even want P touch me when we were together. he found it out by saw my sms. then i admit that i like another guy. I moved out to my rent place half year after what happened. H is a nice single local guy. we knew what we did was wrong and we decided to separate for a few times but didnt work. we always got back together on the next day. P tried very hard to keep me with him. after i move out, he kept calling me and convince me why i should stay with him. He asked me to think and remember what we had before. he cried badly and told my parents what happened. my parent was very angry about me and asked me to go back with P. they think P is a nice guy who will take care of me for the rest of my life. and i know it too. he loved me and took care of me very well. I decided to end the rent room contract and move back with P. I think he is the person who love me the most and i should stay with him. but when I told him that he said he doesnt want me to move in with him. i had already end the renting room contract and i had to move. so I moved to H's place. I stayed there for 1 week and i felt not right. I felt P is my hb who loved me and took care of me. I shouldnt do this to him. it was so wrong. I told H how i felt and he let me go. so i moved in to P's hourse even if he didnt want it. I didnt understand why he didnt want me move in at that time and he didnt tell me why. so i just ignored it and moved in. in the 1st week, he was home late a few days and i didnt ask why. coz i think i didnt have the right to ask him that after what i did. also i didnt care that much coz i still love H. P told me what he wants now was to divorce me. He also asked me if H will take me back. after 1 week, P finally told me there was another girl(C). i was shocked because i was talking to C all the time about my confusion and what i should do. I knew she also had trouble with her marriage and they 2 were more closer than before. but i didnt think them in that way. I stayed there for another 2 weeks before i finally moved out with H. Now i am still with H. we got more closer to each other. i never lie or cheat on him. we trust each other. he treats me good but cant take care of me like P did. he does has some bad habits that i dont like. he is a messy guy. we cant have dinner together because he doesnt eat many things. but i know nobody is perfet. after live with H for almost a year now. i was not sure if he is the one because we actually dont have many in common. but we still love each other. P and C broke up a few months after i moved out. And P is asking me go back with him again. now i am still struggling with this all the time. sometimes i think why this happened was because i didnt have many relatinoships coz i got married with first bf. i still remember the things with P and how he took care of me. but when we met sometimes now, i still doesnt want him touch me. P was treated me so good. i dont know what stopped me going back with P. i dont know what i should do to make it right. I felt it is still wrong. i just want to make it right. so everybody involved in it wont get hurt anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): Thanks all of you for answering my question. appreciated.
I think i get used to the way P took care of me. i liked it. that's why i would still think of him. but without love, I think i dont deserve his care.
P doesnt want divorce. the reason i didnt mention it was because i was in confusion what i should do. the other reaon was P threat me if i divorce him, he will do sth to H. the things that will let him suffer.
my parent thinks this threat is normal. P talked to my mum all the time after this happened. My mum still asks me to go back with him. except this topic, she even doesnt want talk to me. i know mum wants all the good for me. but i dont think she can help with this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): If you love him stay with him if your not in love with him break up. Dont let your parents in control of your love life. It is your love your live make something worth it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 "Now i am still with H. we got more closer to each other. i never lie or cheat on him. we trust each other."
You can't say that, as long as you are married, you and him are still a lie.
All 3 of you are hurt somehow. You can't just hope that the spark will come back and some secret pill would make you want to touch your husband. People make mistakes. After your first relationship you are clearer about what you want, a guy who is sexy, no bad habits, and want to take care of you at the same time. That's not too difficult to find. Worry about being happy more than being right. Asian culture is all about honoring your role as a wife, saving face and reciprocating kindness. You are in Australia right now. Even in Hong Kong your generation is much more liberal than your parents'. You are not attracted to your husband and this is not something that can be fixed in a marriage because you shouldn't have married to someone you are not attracted to at the first place. It's unlikely you will go back to P, so get a divorce, totally forget him, and then you can only hope that H and you still love each other and that the feelings are still the same.
As for P you don't owe him anything. Thank him for the experience and wish him luck in finding love again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 You can't stay with a man just out of gratitude for being a nice guy and a good provider. You are not physically attracted to him at all, you don't like to touch him. What would you do if you'd get back with him ? Would you be intimate with him even if that turns you off,maybe evn disgusts you ? Would you force him to let you live with him- just like a house guest ?
Then again you don't sound too convinced even about H. After one year you still love him, but you are realizing you two do not have much in common and this is not a good indicator of longevity in relationships.
Have you ever thought that you do not necessarily need to choose between P and H ? You could be on your own- and give yourself in this way the time and the chance to meet a third guy who is more suitable to you
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A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 To be honest, after the way you have behaved you don't deserve either of these men. They have both loved you and trusted you and offered you their home, and you have just used both of them, flitting between one and the other as and when it suits you. just becuase P can take care of you, that is not a good enough reason to be with someone. you should be with someone becuase you love them and care for them, which you don't seem to judging by your behaviour. these men have feelings, you hav already hurt both of them. i think you should break free of them both and leave them to get on with their lives until you can sort yourself out and decide what it is you want.
best of luck
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