A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay - So, I've been dating a girl that studies with me (collage) for about 10+ months already, and we haven't had sex yet.We are both virgins - believe it or not!I really like her and I know she really likes me, but I don't know why she doesn't want to have sex...We give each other gestures all the time - blow jobs from her and I finger her - although no penetration yet - every time I try to penetrate(with only a finger) it hurts her, and that makes me uncomfortable as I don't want to hurt her.Every time I tried to suggest we have sex (she says she wants but not ready yet), with all the caring in the world - very slowly, she's under control etc... - she comes up with a different reason why not to. First it was no condoms, so once I got them, she says that they are not 100% safe and that she wants to see a doctor for pills. But to get pills you need a blood workup - which she was petrified about, finally after many hours of explaining the whole process and making sure she'll be comfortable, she excepted. Now we have the pills, she's been taking them for a month already, but still she isn't ready. I really don't want to hurt her, and I think that beginning with 'fingering' with penetration, would be the best for both of us - but she can't get over the pain of fingering , how will she be able to withstand the pain of real sex (I'm not pampering my ego - I'm average sized).I even suggested and tried 'going down' on her - but that was declined, as she felt 'strange' and uncomfortable.I know she has lived her life in a sort of a 'bubble'-without knowing certain things about herself, her body, relationships, intercourse and so on...she never had privacy at her own house - which is a whole different problem (although now that she's at collage - most of the week she's either at my place or at the dormitories).Any suggestions on how to move on with this situation? I've always told her that we'd move to the next step only when she's ready , but after 10+ months - I don't know what to do...Desperately awaiting answers...
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female
reader, Tii3RN3Ybbs.  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Hii ,
Well to be honest, you need to slow down, maybe she wonts a relationship where she can just cuddle up on the sofa wtach films and tell you she loves you, loads of girls love's them feelings/nights.
or maybe shes scared that it will hurt, maybe talk to her about it again, and say to her u don't want to rush things, act nice with her, and gentle, don't be forcing her, because you never no wot might happen, things might lead to the worse.
and you shouldn't be tiered of waiting , your her boyfriend you should wait forever for her if you could, nt pressure her, and make her feel unsucure.
just see what happends?
and go with it,.
x hope all works x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Whatever you're doing as foreplay, it isn't working. It doesn't sound like you're able to help bring her to orgasm, or even to desire you, so of course she's not ready for real sex.
Talk to her, find out what she fantasizes about in romance or sex. Give her the space to explore herself, mind and body. Encourage her to masturbate (but DON'T pressure her.)
Another tip: be detail oriented. For instance, when I was a virgin, I remember being turned off by a boyfriend wanting to make love on a mattress on the floor! in a room with no lock on the door. Another time, he hadn't cut his fingernails... ugh! Even though I was fond of him, he never made it very far. A young lady wants her first time to be special and memorable in a good way. The idea of the honeymoon has it right.
As for fingering, that shouldn't really be happening until it feels good to her. If she's not asking for it, keep your hands outta there.
So take it slow, lay off the pressure, make yourself and circumstances appealing, and concentrate on other aspects of your relationship, especially communication. Let her come to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Ok, first of all, the anonymous guy who suggested that what you need to do is pressure her and threaten to end the relationship if she doesn't put out is a jackASS. It seems clear to me that you really love this girl and that, while you definitely want to have sex, you're not just looking to get laid. I would strongly advise against the approach he suggests.
Secondly, I will say that I lost my virginity a month before i turned 27, to the love of my life, who i'd been dating for almost two years by that point. So I feel like maybe I have some insight here.
My bf was also a virgin, and our situation was pretty similar to what you describe. He was anxious for us to have sex, and I was terrified. There were a lot of reasons for it. I'd grown up in a religious family, and while I personally had long ago let go of the idea that I'd wait until I was married, I definitely wasn't one to sleep around, and I did worry about how I'd feel afterward. Would I think of myself differently? Because there's no taking it back. For 26 yrs, the fact that I didn't have sex with my bfs had been part of my identity, and now, in one night, that would be gone. In retrospect, it seems silly, but at the time all I knew was that ppl had always warned me that women have lots of feelings wrapped up in sex, and I didn't know what it would do to my self-image.
I was also terrified of how it might change my relationship. I was head over heels in love with my bf and was terrified of losing him. If I slept with him, would he still respect me? I mean, it obviously wasn't a one-night-stand, but as a girl, you're told your whole life that nice girls don't put out, and boys don't marry the girls who do. If I slept with him, would he never marry me? Again, in retrospect, it seems absurd. But I was terrified.
And I knew that sex might make me crazy a little. And for a week or two, it did. I was extra-needy. To my boyfriend, it was this great thing - we'd finally had sex, it was great, and we felt really close. And it was all those things for me, too. But it was also a life-changing experience for me, in a way that it wasn't for him. For most guys, virginity is kind of a burden they carry around, anxious to be free from. Not so for most girls. In girls, society depicts it as a virtue, and you're trained to miss it. So as happy as I was to have finally slept w/ my bf, I needed more reassurance that his feelings hadn't changed - that he still loved me, wasn't leaving, that I wasn't defective. I know - it will sound crazy to the ppl on this board who grew up thinking that sex was just a normal thing. But to ppl who grew up with gender roles and puritanical ideals or anything approximating them, this stuff is hard-wired, and even if you logically reject it, there can be a period of adjustment, emotionally.
All this to say, I think you are taking the right approach by being gentle and loving w/ your gf. It's great that you have everything in place, for when you are ready to have sex. My advice would be to just wait for the right opportunity. There will come a time when the lighting is perfect, the evening is romantic, and you've already got everything set up. And it will just happen, b/c it can, and there's nothing holding you back any longer. Keep talking to her, obviously, but other than that, just be patient. It will happen.
Second,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, first - I'm overwhelmed by the amount of reply's!
Big thanks to each and everyone of you!
Secondly, I love her - very much!
Maybe I wasn't expressing myself well enough in the question - but I'm willing to do anything for her, even wait longer - although 10 months is really a long time for a grown woman, as someone said.
Thirdly, I have no idea if she's had any bad experience or went through something in her past - I thought about it, because of her background and all this, but didn't give it much attention. How do you ask something like this without being so direct?
Is it really possible for an early 20 year old woman not to have any sexual desires? (taking into consideration that nothing bad happened in the past)
About the marriage reason - I don't think it has to do with marriage because she doesn't come from a really religious family, and I'm guessing that isn't something she would hold back on for such a long time(or maybe yes?)
I think that sex is a very natural thing - when two people love each other, (we have both expressed out feelings to one other many times), it's only natural that they have sex-that's why this is all so troubling...
After reading your reply's, I have came to a conclusion to hold back a little longer - stop pressuring her (which I think I've been doing) and as Angela.B said - concentrate on the positives that we have :)
And while doing so, try to find out what really is the reason for this situation.
Once again, thanks for all your responses!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Please respect her and do not force her if you really do care for her.
Pre-marital sex is wrong anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): "tell her that...she has let you down again and again."
Yes, that's brilliant. Tell her that by not handing her virginity over to you because /you're/ ready to screw her /she's/ "letting you down." Yeah, go with that - if you want to be and complete and utter prick about it, that is. Unbelievable.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (27 July 2008):
 I think she is scared to have sex and is using any excuse she can to avoid it.
You have to decide if this girl is worth waiting for as she has set a pattern here that is going to be very hard to break.
I dont think you are selfish, having sex is the next logical step in your relationship and is about the intimacy and love too not just the physical act. You have needs that are not being met.
Maybe she has been brought up believing sex is wrong or dirty or maybe she has hd a bad experience in the past. I suggest she tries counselling to find out what is the cause of these hang ups she has.
I also agree that fingering can be quite painful for a woman and not always that pleasant and completely different from penetration by you. Talk to her and find out what is going through her head x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): If you truly Care for you should understand. We are very selective about who we have sex with and if she is a virgin then that makes it even more special that is something that she will remember for the rest of her life. She will always remember who, when, where, what time, even down to the clothes you and her had on that day, and dont forget the song that was on the radio, and every event that led up to that special date. Give her time if it is ment to be it will happen. It could be possable that she wants to wait till she is married that would make it even more special to know that she saved it just for you on that very special night.
Take Care
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A
male
reader, sjwcool  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 sadly their is not much you can do in this position. for the majority of girls it will be near agonizing the first time sometimes several times but, once your through the pain period it's really good. the best thing I can suggest is try it and communicate! I am pornstar size so it's hard for me to not hurt a girl while having sex so, I would get her really worked up extremely wet orgasiming several times 2-3 should be plenty. putting a pillow under the small of her back might help if she's still having pain slow down and only go partialy in if it's just the head go just the head (it may take several attempts but,)eventually she will be able to go the full length but, with how patient you have been so far I don't see it being a problem with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Okay, Im a woman and I understand her. Shes just either not physically or emotionally ready yet. If it hurts when you finger her, then maybe its her vaginia. Maybe shes just nervous and scared. Give her more time. Boy, you've got your whole life to do that stuff with her.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (27 July 2008):
 I can understand you must find it frustrating, baffling even, but you are just going to have to be patient.
When we are nervous or scared our muscles contract, and that is why even fingering will be hurting her. Until she is relaxed and comfortable with the idea of having sex with you then it clearly isn't going to happen.
From your point of view, the best thing to do is to make sure you are not pressurising her. It's all too easy to get into a viscous cycle where we are nervous so can't do something, then we feel we have let someone else down which makes us more tense about it which results in us being even less able to do whatever it was in the first place.
You clearly enjoy being together and enjoy being intimate with each other, so concentrate on the positives that you have rather than this one negative!
From her point of view, she needs to understand what it is that is making her so nervous. Of course, it is perfectly natural for a girl to be nervous or even scared before she loses her virginity, but in time she will feel ready to make that step.
It is possible though that she has a phobia of being penetrated, which would need counselling or psychotherapy to resolve. If something has happened in her past that caused her physical or emotional pain (an extreme example would be sexual abuse of some kind) it might have caused this.
You do suggest that her background is non-standard so it could well be beneficial for her to seek some help, even if just to ensure that there are no unresolved issues that are preventing her from being able to enjoy love making.
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A
female
reader, bellasmommy +, writes (27 July 2008):
All i have to say really is wait- i mean thats all you really can do.. right? if you really truely love her, you will wait. Its the best thing to do, because you dont wanna end up seeming annoying or somehow push her away from you.-maybe she is waiting untill marriage.. maybe she doesnt wanna do it because she is scared of the pain..i dont know her reason. but whatever it is, its just best to wait and see what happens. she will be ready sooner than later.. (lets hope so)
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): First off - fingering isn't stimulating to a woman at all. Poking your fingers in her vagina is just painful and uncomfortable; pleasure comes from a gentle touch to the clitoris.
Second - perhaps she just doesn't want sex or isn't even ready for what you have already done together, but gave in because she saw it was important to you. She may say she "wants" it but that's just to stop you bugging her about it. Believe it or not, sex drives come in all degrees, from none, to little, to high. Perhaps she has no sexual desires; or perhaps they are miniscule. In that case, with incompatible desires, the best thing to do is to break off your relationship so YOU can go off and get some quality shagging and your girlfriend can find someone who doesn't spend every minute with her annoyed that she won't let him stick it in and kept him "waiting".
She may have vaginismus, which causes incredible pain for a woman on penetration, of a finger or a penis; or she may just be so terrifie at the prospect that all her cervical muscles are tensed to the maximum. To get over the latter, she needs to be relaxed, not feeling pressured.
She doesn't want oral sex? I'm not surprised - unlike men, women don't have a culture of putting their genitals out on display or talking about them; this will be a subject of shyness for her.
Worried about contraception? Of course she is - all you risk from sex is STDs, whereas your girlfriend could get pregnant and suffer either childbirth or the heartbreak of an abortion if she does.
Her virginity could be very important to her, something she doesn't want to just give away to you. She may be waiting for marriage, and just didn't feel capable of telling you; her attraction to you may have waned; she may not think you're the one. She might be asexual. She might have had bad experiences sexually in the past, and look upon sex negatively.
You must talk to her. Explain yourself, and ask her to be frank with you.
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A
female
reader, Lyric +, writes (27 July 2008):
Ok i see where shes coming from. She might just be scared or terrified of the pain of real sex. Or shes just over thinking it. Maybe she has body issues that she feels uncomfotable telling u about. Maybe shes afraid nd wants to wait until marriage. Theres all sorts of things. I know u want to show her u love her. But sex is something u shouldnt keep asking or bringing up. Wen shes truely ready she'll want to do it. Just stick it out and be patient..well more patient. Itll be worth it once she does decide to give her viginity to you. Good luck hun:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Wow... I didn't think women like this still existed.
You need to keep talking, tell her that you ARE ready and have been for a long time and have waited for her and waited for her, but despite her excuses she has let you down again and again.
Tell her that unless she bites the bullet and confronts whatever fear it is about sex that she has, it will haunt her and destroy your relationship.
This isn't about sex for you. Its about HER leading you on with the promise of a loving relationship in the bedroom and not coming through when the time comes.
Now she is on the Pill and you have comdoms, the safe issue is a moot point... with that kind of assurance, if she gets up the duff then it was clearly meant to be.
Otherwise, if you want what she either can't or is unwilling to give you, then you need to let her go and find a girl who will fulfill all that you require of her, sexually and otherwise.
Also have you thought about getting her counselling, and don't take no for an answer... drag her there kicking and screaming if you have to. Because it is not natural at all to have this fear of sex and it only comes with a damn good reason... either something has happened in the past to make her fear it, or she never developed the social skills to deal with it because her family were uptight and sex was not to be done save for trying to create a child, and even then only the man reserved the right to pleasure from it.
Whatever the case, you need to get this sorted quick smart... 10 months is a long time for a full grown woman to be dragging a guy along without sex.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, shelleyanne +, writes (27 July 2008):
 It sounds like she's making excuses because she's scared. If you love her you wil wait, no questions asked. The fact that you said she felt strange and uncomfortable about you going down on her makes me wonder if the two of you are comfortable enough to take the next step together. Has she expressed the intention to stay a virgin till marriage, because if she has you need to respect that. Give her space and time, when she's ready she'll come around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): ok first of all i've never heard of having to undergo bloods to get the pill. but i suppose thats not important.
second of all - has she gone through something in her past which may make her very scared of the pain or the act itself? i understand why you must be getting frustrated but there may be an underlying factor here that you dont know about. i think that you should talk to her and explain that you are not trying to pressurise her into doing anything, but that sooner or later she is going to be faced with sex and you would like to know if there is anything she wants to talk about.
she should be able to face up to the fact that sex is an amazing thing and a huge part of a relationship as it creates intimacy, and that someday it is going to have to happen. she cant be afraid of the pain for her whole life!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Boy, your headline really makes you sound like an insensitive, selfish arse. If getting laid is that important to you, I suggest you find a woman who /is/ ready.
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