A
male
age
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*127
writes:I am a 62 year old semi retired man living in a Mediterranean island. My daughter of 35 lives in Ireland with her partner. They have a daughter of 2 years. Both are unemployed and living on the dole. I have so far supported my daughter to pay her mortgage mainly to ensure that my grand-daughter has a roof on her head.Just returned from a week's Christmas break that has turned out to be a nightmare. My daughter has a weak personality and is dominated by her partner who I suspect suffers from bi-polar disorder. He suffers from highs and lows in his moods, is arrogant, insulting, bad mannered and a control freak.My wife and I were on the verge of flying back to our country prematurely as we could not stand his attitude. I have now decided to stop all financial support. This is very painful as I fear that our lovely grand daughter will suffer. I fear that they will retaliate by boycotting us which will mean that we will be unable to visit our grand-daughter.How should one behave in such situations? I come from a generation and a society where family life is the centre of our life.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 lovely follow up.
Glad you liked the suggestion.
At least you did get to see your dear grandchild. It is sad that due to family break-ups that grand children miss out on time getting to know grandparents.
I hope that one day all countries in the world recognize (in law) grandparent rights in addition to parent rights - and even the latter needs some tweaking in some countries.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 January 2013):
35 years old is an adult. They need to act like it. Stop subsidizing their laziness.
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A
male
reader, j127 +, writes (2 January 2013):
j127 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your feedback. It is not easy to include all relevant facts in such a short space. Other facts are:a. I do not believe my daughter's partner is really interested n working. He sleeps up to noon every day. He can do manual jobs but because he has no degree he is unlikely to find the office job that he wants. He recently forced my daughter to leave her not so well paid temporary job because he could not cope with caring for their daughter.b. By financing their mortgagee I believe I am supporting their lifestyle which is unrealistic. I am hoping that my daughter sees some sense when she realises that money does not grow on trees.c. There is no point in talking again to our daughter since she ignores us and just relies on her partners plans for the future which is no plans at all.d. My daughter was born with a congenital illness that was reversible. She lives a perfectly normal life now but we were perhaps a little protective when she was a toddler. she left home not because she was being controlled by us but like most young people she has a longing for adventure. she is a graduate in communications and very sociable, but weak character-wise. e. I like the idea of investing in a trust for my grand daughter. She is such a lovely child and we really miss her smiles.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2013):
You are worried about her and your grandchild, and that is understandable.
I would suggest that you have a talk to your daughter about your concerns about her situation and her husband.
Try not to be judgemental.
Let her know how hurt your and your wife were about the way your daughter's partner spoke to you and your wife on your last visit
Let her know about your concerns about your grand-daughter living in what sounds like a toxic situation.
Try not to be manipulated by tears nor guilt trips. Your daughter should have got her act together by her age. She will grow in confidence when she does start to srand on her own feet and live within her means.
Accordingly you could decide to gradually withdraw your financial support.
10% withdrawn immediately
25% more withdrawn in 6 months
30% more withdrawn in 12 months
35% more withdrawn in 18 months
Done gradually she will learn to either earn more, spend less, budget or even change her lifestyle.
It may even put pressure on her relationship or remove some pressure.
I wonder if your daughter's partner feels great resentment (which does not excuse his rudeness) because he can't live as he does without your money?
And perhaps your daughter wants to live at a higher level than her income allows? Would she start to face the reality that she needs to live within a budget that is based only on income derived only from what she earns and he earns?
The following is one suggested option. You may not like it.
But it is an option.
To protect your assets after death from your daughter's partner (especially if she divorces him) you could also change your Will to include a Trust leaving the residue to your grandchild/grandchildren (i don 't know how many grandchildren you have, so I am assuming one only) with the proviso of:
'' to my grandchild ...... Provided my grandchild..... Is alive at the date of my death and provided my grandchild...... Reaches the age of 25 years but if my grandchild...... Does not reach the age of 25 years then the share that would have gone to my grandchild.....will instead be payable to ..... (a well known large charity)''
1. You put the proviso in re a substitute so the child cannot demand the money earlier
2. And so the parents can't put pressure on for the child for all manner of things earlier
3 you name a charity not a person as a substitute as the charity will make sure the money cannot be paid before 25 just in case something does happen
4 separately you document the thousands you have already paid out to your daughter in your lifetime as the reason she is not being given the lion's share of your estate.
This may seem tough. But it sounds like your daughter is a very poor money manager and has never learned to budget. But instead prefers to rely on hand outs.
You will not always be there and it is time your daughter learned to budget.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2013):
 when my kids were very little and my first husband and I split up my parents were very concerned that they would not be able to see the grand children.
our divorce decree was written to include the grandparents having visitation as is legal here because in our state there is a law saying that you cannot legally alienate the grand parents.
check and see what legal protection (if any) you are afforded to see the grand daughter.
and yes giving your daughter advance warning that you are cutting off the financial support is a good idea.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): If I were in your position I'd do things a little differently.
If you've been supporting her for a while, then it's not fair to stop doing so with no warning. I'd let her know that the support is going to stop, perhaps give her three months notice. This will give her time to sort out a job, child care, mortgage etc.
You can make it a bit easier by giving an excuse. Don't blame it on her partner or that you don't approve of how she's living her life. Perhaps tell her that things are getting a bit tight at your end, you're struggling to pay for the things that you want/need. While you were flush it wasn't a problem to help, but you've got to see to your needs first. At least it makes you seem reasonable and she's less likely to retaliate.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 January 2013):
 hi
I don't know why you have decided to stop the financial support now, I hope you warned your daughter that you have and talked to her about why, so she doesn't feel abandoned so to speak.
It is very difficult to find work at the moment so I would imagine she will be unemployed for a while.
The GOOD thing about not supporting them is it will force them to make choices, to consider selling up,to move for work, to start afresh somewhere new. Your grandaughter is not at school yet so it will be easier for them.As she is an intelligent woman she will hopefully make wise choices.
As for her choice of partner,well, she is an adult so it's up to her there isn't alot you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): Can you leave aside your wish to remove support and continue helping financially? Because it sounds as if your daughter is already suffering hardship, so reducing her living circumstances might not be the way to go. Keeping your daughter `on board` is essential as she might feel alienated if you remove your support. If her self esteem is low because of unemployment and the way she is being treated at home, she needs help. She might barely be surviving right now, so your support will be needed. If you remove that because of your disapproval, she might feel unable to maintain not only a dysfunctional relationship with her partner but one with you too. And if she simply hasn't got the energy right now to support both, it would be a shame but not unlikely that you will be dropped from her life. And you really dont want that to happen. Maybe wait a month or so and then invite her to you for a holiday. Sometimes a break does the world of good and putting some space between her and her partner, will enable her to view her position more objectively. I would advise arranging a way to see her on her own such as a hol. Then talking to her calmly and asking if there is anything you can do to help because you are concerned for her and your grandchild. If she loves her partner, attacking him wont help it will just drive her further into his arms. So avoid being critical of him if you can. Sympathy and understanding of her predicament should be the order of the day. I am trying to be charitable to him by suggesting he might have been over stressed during your visit and not shown himself in a good light. Remember he is unemployed. He had no money and it was Christmas. Financial hardship is always more keenly felt at such a time and he had the `in laws` coming to witness this! Add to that, he probably suffers from feelings of inadequacy because he feels he is not being a `man` and providing for his family. He might have been feeling bad during your visit and gave in to some awful behaviour! BUT if that was not the case and that behaviour is standard for him, you might have to sit on your hands and just wait it out. I am sure, eventually your daughter will grow tired of him and need someone to turn to for an exit route. And if the lines of communication between you are still open, healthy, loving and you are supportive, she will turn to you. In my experiences with adult children, making judgements on their situations and removing support of any kind, usually backfires and does not help at all. I would shelve embargo`s and go for diplomacy instead.
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A
male
reader, j127 +, writes (2 January 2013):
j127 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies so far.We have always been resident in this Mediterranean island. It is our daughter who migrated to Ireland 5 years ago. My biggest concern is that I believe my daughter's partner suffers from bipolar and treats my daughter with psychological abuse. She has a low self esteem even if she is intelligent and up to some time ago had a good job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): Two things to consider, both of which might seem upsetting but I don't say them lightly, rather through my own experience and through seeing friends and an ex partner fail to live independently:1. By financially supporting your daughter you are ENABLING the situation that she is in and effectively providing the 'reward' for the person that you think is abusing her.2. In adult relationships we often continue to repeat patterns in relationships that we experienced with our parents, regardless of the sex of the parent. In other words, your daughter could simply be 'repeating' another abusive relationship in which her own boundaries and her own 'say' in her life was somehow continually eroded and in which her self esteem was severely lessened. It may be difficult, if not impossible, for you to see how either yourself or your own partner could have established such a relationship patterns. However, a HUGE signal is that you are paying her mortgage when she is a fully grown adult with a child - you may mean this kindly, but it is actually a very controlling and dominating thing to do. Believe me, I don't honestly say this easily - control, abuse of boundaries and domination can all be interwoven in acts of 'care' and 'kindness' - I've been subjected to this in my own family and seen it happen through many male and female friends, where parents can't 'let go' and continue to erode healthy boundaries without realising, because of their own insecurities. Another HUGE sign is that your daughter literally put boundaries between you by moving geographically - I cry for independence, but one that is being undercut by her being dependent on you financially.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): We have always been resident in this Mediterranean island. It is our daughter who migrated to Ireland 5 years ago. My biggest concern is that I believe my daughter's partner suffers from bipolar and treats my daughter with psychological abuse. She has a low self esteem even if she is intelligent and up to some time ago had a good job.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 January 2013):
This is tough, but the only alternative really would be to continue giving them financial support, but there will come a time where you can do that no longer. Ultimately you should tell her that you can’t carry on funding the family in this way. She needs to look for work, or her husband does. At least one of them. Are they honestly trying? It’s tough out there and the Irish economy, like many others, is in bad shape. But they’ve got to take responsibility for themselves. Sadly there is no way to ensure she won’t retaliate but hopefully she will see how unfair this is on you and your wife. You could always put money in to an account for the grandchild and buy things for her with that money if you want to make sure she’s okay. They should be taking responsibility for themselves, but this would show them that you’re not trying to make the little girl suffer and hopefully increase the likelihood that they, or at least she, will behave reasonably towards you. The reality is that if you don’t do that, they may take the view that you’re trying to punish an innocent child and use this as an emotional weapon against you. Very tough predicament.
I wish you all the very best.
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