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We were taking it slow and then there was a complete 180, what do I do now?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2015) 12 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2015)
A male United States age 30-35, *ey writes:

About 2 years ago a friend of mine showed me the instagram of a friend. She commented on a picture of us together and inquired who I was. I could tell from her pictures that she was gorgeous and outgoing. Real life of the party type of girl.

Well, around February I finally got to hang out with her. Since then I've been doing everything in my power to woo her. She had just gotten out of a relationship and didn't think she was ready to be in another. I told her that I wasn't looking for a promise or commitment, but that I thought she was beautiful and fun and that I wanted to spend more time with her.

We talked nearly every day, long hours into the night. Made out everytime we were alone. A few weeks ago we had sex for the first time and it was good. sometime afterwards it became increasingly difficult to hang out with her, she was always busy, hanging out with friends, etc

Well, the day before yesterday we were texting talking about hanging but she said that she didn't want to mess around because she was talking to a guy.

Understandably, this kinda broke my heart. I mean, what were we doing together all these months? why would you do things like tell me I'm future boyfriend material and that I was earning points for going out Of my way to help you when you're in trouble if you're just going to about face like that?

anyway I texted her asking if I could ask her a question, two hours later she called me but by that time I decided I didn't want to talk to her and ignored her phone call. he called again the next day and I ignored her again. she left a message asking "what happened? Don't you love me anymore? buh bye"

I really didn't feel like talking to her because I felt sad, disappointed, angry, and bamboozled. As if she lead me on.

now I'm here alone wondering what happened and whether or not I should confront her about it. I would like to ask her if you started talking to this guy before or after we slept together,and I realize that whatever she responds with the most likely you set me but I have to know.

what are your thoughts on the situation? and what should I do? is there a chance I could still get her or are we done forever?

I'd really appreciate some advice

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A male reader, Rey United States +, writes (3 August 2015):

Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Rey agony auntI just erased her from instagram and Facebook.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (2 August 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Have you thought that maybe she understands perfectly why you'd feel this way- she just does not particularly care ? It is quite possible that she is / was in this for HERSELF, her narcisistic supply, her ego strokes, the pleasant and reassuring feeling of having someone devoted to you regradless ( which would explains neatly why she was amenable to talk to you for hours. Eh , really it's not all about sex - there are many other ways that you can benefit from having someone around even if you are not too involved emotionally ! ) In short, I think she is ( not surprisingly, since the premises ) doing what's best for HER, and how this can affect/ infuence you is an afterthought, she is really not sweating blood about it.

Anyway I think you decided for the best and that it's wise if you do not want to cling / hang on as " just friends ". That would be pointlessly painful and would prevent you from moving on completely.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntShe likes to play games. THAT is what I think.

With your update (where you had expressed you wanted more and she claimed the same) that is really all I can guess about it.

She has noticed you no longer dote on her and pay attention to her and she isn't liking it. She wants YOU to pay attention to her again.

I would either unfriend/block or just hide her feeds... downgrade her fro ma "friend" on FB to an acquaintance. That way you can set your settings so she can't check out or comment on your pictures.

Personally though, if you are done with this chick... just block and delete.

IF she has a problem with that? THAT is HER problem.

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A male reader, Rey United States +, writes (31 July 2015):

Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Rey agony auntAll of thats fine, but she should understand why after all that someone would want distance from you. Yesterday she's complimenting my picures on facebook calling me "handsome". And last night she texted me old pictures of us....really? Don't compliment me or try to get my attention with sentimental mementos. I've been trying to get your attention for weeks and you played me to the left. And because she's beautiful she thinks I'll just accept whatever she'll give me. No.

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A male reader, Rey United States +, writes (31 July 2015):

Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Rey agony auntI'd like to also add that she doesn't do well with intense emotions. they make her feel awkward and uncomfortable. I've even seen her beg her friends not to cry around her because she literally has no idea how to console them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

You may have been the rebound guy... helped her heal after her relationship ended and now she's ready to move on. Sorry :-(

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Cindy.

You liked her more than she liked you. YOU saw yourself WITH her before you even knew her. And I think, you presumed that if you hung around enough she would fall for you.

SHE told you from the start, I AM NOT looking for anything serious and you said OK. So in that sense you already screwed yourself over. Because you instantly gave off the vibe or notion that YOU weren't looking for anything serious either.

And then of course your drama queen act.... "I texted her asking if I could ask her a question" and when she DID call so you could talk, you did the silent treatment. She took one look at that behavior and though "what's his problem?! I'm not dealing with that!" and she told you buh bye.

I AM sorry that you feel for a girl who didn't like you back the same way, but was willing to "have fun" with no strings.

It doesn't really matter WHEN she met this guy, before or after the sex, because the sex meant nothing to her.

I agree that YOU in the future need to SAY what you MEAN and MEAN what you say.

If you are NOT looking for casual/FWB/F-buddy but a relationship DO NOT settle for casual. Having sex doesn't mean someone loves you back.

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A male reader, Rey United States +, writes (30 July 2015):

Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Rey agony auntI agree with a lot of what you've said, Cindy, but I've had endless conversations with her about my feelings toward her. she once asked me, in what way did I like her, was it just to fuck or try and be with. and I told her that there are two types of girls, the kind that you just want to have sex with and the kind that is given the opportunity you should probably try to be with and that she fell into the latter category.

I don't want to list all the ways that she told me that what we had was moving toward a relationship, but they were enough that I thought we had something special. No one talks for hours to a booty call.

Anyway, that's all irrelevant now. I'm extremely hurt by the whole situation because I always kept my feelings 100% with her from the beginning and with all her promises of a future relationship I thought she was too.

I really don't think I know how to be her friend. I've always approached her as a man interested in a woman and she doesn't know the me that isn't "pursuin"g her.

Idk if it's right or wrong, but I'm not going to talk to her anymore. She pretty much lead me on and played me to the left unceremoniously. And I don't think I could hangout with her without my heartbreaking.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 July 2015):

CindyCares agony auntSigh..this will sound a bit cynical, but here we go :what do you expect, dear OP ? You called this upon yourself. This comes from not following a simple rule : mean what you say and say what you mean.

Think about it, how you have served her on a silver plate the perfect means to friendzone you ( or, to fuckbuddy -zone you , due to recent developments ).

She did not lead you on, at least technically- you lead yorself on because you nurtured expectations when the agreement was, officially, no committment, casual dating, go with the flow,- no expectations.

She told you she was not looking for a relationship ( which,btw, once more your case proves to be shorthand for " I am not looking for a relationship WITH YOU " ). You counter with : oh me neither , it's just that you are so beauriful and fun and I enjoy spending time with you . Just give me the chance to spend some time with enjoyable you ,that's all I want.. She says, Ok, cool. What could be more carefree and relaxed , playful,... I don't know ,frothy ? a delightful cappuccino, which will help while away some time plesantly ?...

But she cuddled and flirted and kissed , ( and even had sex eventually ? ) and that in YOUR behavioural code means that she must be into you and mean business ?...

But that's your code, not hers. Hers is different, and the infuriating thing ( yes, I can imagine it is infuriating ) is that technically you can't scold her, because she said clearly : no relationship, no committment, nothing serious- and you agreed to the rules of a game that you did not really want to play.

Now rhar I think about it, it sounds to me like you are the male equivalent of all those female posters who write us " he said he only wants FWB, BUT... " and think they can fuck their way into the heart of a man. It happens very seldom. Almost never.

So, technically I feel you have no ground to complain, if then you tell me, thar, on a human level, a more sensitive , kind hearted woman would have imagined, would have KNOWN ! that this was the ideal situation for you to develop feelings and attachments, and , that , as soon as she sensed/ figured out that you were into her much more than viceversa, the honourable thing would have been to nip this in the bud .... I wholeheartedly agree but, what can you do ? People are selfish- we all are to some extent, just some more than others.

Maybe she took you at face value and thought you literally wanted what you SAID you wanted, the chance to spend some pleasant, fun times together , maybe ( more probably ) she read through you perfectly and just "whatever"-ed it. Anyway she got you pegged as Mr. Right Now which will be good for killing time until Mt. Right shows up; and this, with your cooperation and consent.

If you are done forever, ... forever is a long time :), and I forgot somewhere my crystal ball... but my take is that you probabaly should be WANTING to be done forever with her. I am not saying that she is cruel or mean or whatnot, after all you wanted a chance to woo her, she gave you that chance, - and she did not feel wooed enough. Hey it happens, nobody's fault, just a mismatch. Yet you are mismatched in the sense that you care about her , obviously, much more than viceversa, and - what about trying your luck elsewhere and finding someone with whom feelings are more mutual ?

Maybe I am nitpicking, but I find meaningful, and unplesant, frankly, that when you backed off ( not that it was a great move, btw- you are too old for sulking ! ) her first reacrion wasn't " what happened ? did I hurt you somehow ? " oe even " what happened ? Is there something the matter with you / your life / your health ? " but,

" what happened ? don't you love me anymore ? "

It's all about her , and what she gets from your interaction. Bur whar about you. Reason for which, maybe your best bet is to counter"buhbye" her and chalk this up to experience.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (30 July 2015):

I don’t think you’re going to get answers. It seems she wants the best of both worlds: the freedom to talk to other guys that comes with a casual, no-strings arrangement, but for you to shower her with the love and attention of a doting, serious boyfriend. I don’t think she’ll give you satisfactory answers, and I don’t think it matters. She’s just not serious about you and so it’s best to tell her it is over and deal with your feelings about that afterwards.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

Maybe you were her rebound? She said herself she wasn't quite ready for a relationship and you told her you were looking for no promises. She might have felt comfortable using your interest in her to get over her ex, as from what you've told her you were just wanting to spend time with her.

Do you still like her? I think there comes a time where you just put your cards on the table and tell her that actually, you would like to date her seriously and exclusively because you think this or that about her...

Talk to her directly on the phone or face to face rather than via messages. But you told her yourself at the start you wanted no promise or commitment, but that's clearly not the case any more - so you need to let her know. She possibly stared talking to another guy because she knew you two had had sex and perhaps she now wants commitment - and didn't think that was an option with you.

Don't be childish about things and ignore her calls if you're the one wanting her to call. Bite the bullet and talk to her, and get on the same page.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

Dude, you're old enough now, you may in infatuated with this girl, but she is clearly using you. Stringing you along until in her mind 'a better offer comes around'. If i were you i'd get rid, but then that's easier said than done. Now i don't have all the facts i'm just a faceless entity in the vastness of the internet, but from what little i have gleaned from what you have said, you need to put a full STOP and move on.

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