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We wants to bring another man into the bedroom! I don't know what to think of this!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 August 2010) 16 Answers - (Newest, 4 October 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *hichwayisup writes:

I have been Married for 12 years and with my husband for 14 years. we have 4 wonderful children together. Friday night in the midst of our sexcapade in the bedroom out of the blue he asked if i would be ok with him bringing his male friend into the bedroom? He said it would make things more exciting and i wouldn't be having sex with the other person. I was blown away by the idea and didn't have no idea where it was coming from. I just can't imagine having another woman in the room i would beat her to oblivion for touching my husband so why would he want another man with me? In the bedroom i have never had a single rule it is whenever he wants it however he wants it and then i take control when i want it as well so i dont feel that i am "boring" in bed. This has kinda intrigued me since he mentioned it but at the same time makes me feel in-adequate. Anyone experienced this before? I do not want him to be mad at me in the future i love him with every breath in me and i am a very sexual person just never thought he would ask for this.

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A female reader, hot101 United States +, writes (4 October 2010):

This is a very sensitive topic. My husband of 3yrs(but we have been together for 11ys and have 3 children together) asked if we could bring in another woman into the bedroom not for him but for me and he just wanted to watch, (I have NEVER been with a woman nor had any desire to be with one). We had long multiple dicussions about it and came to an agreement. We decided who we could trust and would be willing to go along with it. After all of us talking we decided that if the moment ever came up that it would be ok and no one would be mad the next day! Well one night we were all hanging out had many drinks and one thing lead to another except that he was more envolved than we had discussed. I was ok with it at the time but after it was hard for me to think of him enjoying another woman. But it still turns me on! I am in a very confused state of mind.. So my advise to you would to leave it as a fantasy!!! Role play instead!! It will save hurt/mixed feelings in the end! As well he may want to bring in another woman and use the other man to his advantage.. I understand that he "dont want you to have sex" with this other man but after you perform oral on the other man is ur hubby going to be jelouse?? Thinking that u pleasured someone else better than him?? To many emotions come out afterwards!! Just be careful in whatever you choose!! best of luck to u both!!

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A male reader, Honest Answer United States +, writes (10 August 2010):

Honest Answer agony auntThere is nothing wrong with fantasys. But, in this instance, I will suggest that you pass on the idea of a three some. It can still be a fantasy, but remember, not all fantasies need to be fufilled.

Trust me, this is one fantasy that could destroy everything you two have built together in the last 14 years.

Good Luck!

Jeff

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010):

Hi

Always risky but acceptable if all three are in full agreement but be prepared for strange emotions to possibly surface.

Loyalty and trust is not always broken if all KNOW the truth and remain with the truth.

There are many ways to view this it all depends on your OWN perspectives for example one could view that the SHARING of something one loves could be actually special.

Or deceit could be viewed by the fantasy of secretly wanting this but never telling the truth, at least he is open to some degree by asking.

One could also consider if sex and love have to be the same, does sex mean love? is love not giving of the spirit

rather than the body?

Never do this just to please your husband it must be because you BOTH agree. Not an easy path to walk but love is certainly tested and one's own store house of emotions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

It's me whichwayisup again, i figured i needed to clarify a few things. My husband doesn't want me to have sex with the other man just oral while my husband is also pleasing me. we have done the public sex game and quite a few others, now a days you can't really do it in public we have children and i dont want to be a sex offender based off of some sexcapade with my hubby. Years ago it wasn't as bad as it is now in the eyes of the public. I can say if our kids wouldnt be effected by everything we do i would of said HELL YEA that night he asked. I just don't want to explain in 10 years mommy and daddy broke up because *%&*%)#&. My hubby is my everything and i asked him yesterday if this was something he wanted to persue we needed to talk about it. i am up for anything, (except another woman, i know how he is in bed so i know that it would lead to sex for him) He can't pretend that nothing was ever said as many times as he asked me that night. I think about it a lot now and i want to know where his mind is with it?

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (3 August 2010):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntBringing a third person onto a sexual situation where the first two are romantically involved does not proceed well. I've been the third person a few times. Apart from people who were already swingers, it generally messed up with their relationship.

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A male reader, rivi United States +, writes (3 August 2010):

I think you need to discuss with him in some depth exactly what the scenario is which he envisages.

He says you would not be having sex with the male friend - so what would the male friend be doing ?

Would he be clothed or naked ?

Would he be standing at the bottom of the bed watching your husband's buttocks pumping up and down between your spread-out legs ? Would you be on your back or would it be doggie or what ?

Would the friend be allowed to masturbate and if so would his sperm go anywhere in particular when he ejaculated ? [ eg over some part - which? - of your h's body ? ]

And when you and your husband have finished and you all have your clothes on again how do you interact socially with this friend in the future ?

Is it a friend from work ?

And when all the practical details are sorted out the big Q is why exactly would your husband find this sexually exciting ? Is it because he is bisexual and wants to interact sexually in some way with his male friend ?

As you say you are and have been sexually adventurous in the past it may just be that there is something here you could work out without damaging the marriage relationship - but it could only be after very careful working out of the details and the future behaviour of the pair of you.

It's risky - but so is parachute jumping and some people get a thrill from it.

Your h obviously has physical desires beyond what the marriage relationship brings and if you have been together for so very long -since you were young teenagers, and already you have 4 children - I can understand him feeling he has maybe missed out on the 'spreading his seed before settling down' phase .

Lots of men at this point just take women ( or if bi, men) on the side and say nothing. At least yours is opening up to you about his secret sexual longings : it could be testament to the strength of your relationship.

So, long story short : more discussion is required. Now he has broached it you can't pretend it was never raised as a suggestion.

Do keep us informed as it is an intriguing situation which may assist others.

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A female reader, loopylynch United Kingdom +, writes (3 August 2010):

loopylynch agony auntMe and my ex spoke about a 3some and we spoke about bringing either a man or woman in, i wasnt comfortable with another man so i said will bring in a woman, she is my best friend and i trust her with my life, as is stands im ok with the thought of a 3some, i no sex is between 2 ppl, but ur partner is still with you, just tell him that u will call the shots and will not do nething ur not happy with... talk about it in lenth with him and ask him would it change the way he values u.... im scared that i will get so far and put a stop to it or if it will ruine wot weve got after... i no to the bottom of my heart that my friend and ex have no sexual connection, so im not affraid of things going on behind my bk... my concern is how it will affect us in the long run... i hope u get the answers ur looking for xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010):

You "won't be having sex with the other person"? So that would mean he would be having sex with you and then he would be having sex with the other dude and the other dude would be having sex with him? Sounds like he is just having some homoerotic desires and wants to have sexual interaction with a male. If he wants to bring a man into the bedroom for only him to have sex with, it seems like he is just using the idea of a "threesome" to explore these desires without feeling like he did something wrong. Because if you are there and you okayed it, it can't really be wrong right? Meh. That's what immediately jumped out at me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010):

I have been there. The fantasy is nothing like reality. I felt dirty,used and felt like i was being talked about. If you are loved then no way would he allow you to be shared.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 August 2010):

Honeypie agony auntI think no matter how sexually liberated you are, inviting a third person into the bed is going to be a big huge mistake.

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A female reader, Whichwayisup United States +, writes (2 August 2010):

Whichwayisup is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ok it's me the question asker LOL... maybe in-adequate is the wrong word to use. It definatly intrigues me but not even a year ago he wanted all the "toys" we had to be thrown away because he can do anything those toys can so can it change that much to want another person. I have asked him since then about it and he said it's nothing nevermind. I have always told him that whatever he wants he just needs to come to me with, i love sex and i am pretty ok with anything as long as we are together. I am just so scared that after i say yes and it's done he thinks about it and looks at me differently.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (2 August 2010):

chigirl agony auntI don't think he suggested it because he finds you boring, quite the opposite. He suggested it because he thinks you are so open and confident in bed that you would perhaps consider bringing another person into the bedroom, and that he trusts you and loves you enough to not be intimidated by another man touching you. The though probably excites him, and turns him on.

Many have experienced this before, and in most cases it is a question of how you feel about it: would the relationship survive having a third person in the picture, or would it just be too messy? As you are already feeling inadequate by the mere suggestion, I think this is not for you.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (2 August 2010):

TimmD agony auntThere are some men that get turned on by other men having sex or doing sexual things to their wife. I'm not saying I agree with it. Heck, I would never ever do anything like that. However, I have noticed quite a few men who seem to get turned on by that. It's a type of fetish. However, like any fetish, both partners should be into it. So if you are not, then just tell him you do not want to. Don't take it personally. And don't feel like you are inadequate. He's TURNED ON by guys doing things to his wife. As weird as it sound, you should be flattered. (in addition to being shocked)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010):

Just to clarify...does he want you to sleep with the other man? Or is the man just there to watch? Maybe your husband is an exhibitionist and gets off when other people are watching. I think your husband is curious and that it doesn't have anything to do with you being adequate. Just don't do anything that you are not comfortable doing.

Have you ever had sex in a public place? (somewhere where you would not be seen by children of course)...maybe the thrill of the possibility of getting caught would satisfy his exhibitionist needs?

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A female reader, vampyreholic United Kingdom +, writes (2 August 2010):

The way I understand it from people who I know, who have had threesomes in the past, it hardly EVER ends well. They are suppose to add spice into a relationship but they seem to rip them apart instead. How can another man be involved in your antics in the bedroom, yet not touch you? What's he going to do? Video it from the corner? If you are not comfortable with the idea of another man, tell him so. You should not feel pressured to do something you are not comfortable doing.

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A male reader, Compartmentalizing United States +, writes (2 August 2010):

This is a mistake, I promise. There is no way a man can look at his wife the same way after being with another man or woman. The loyalty and trust is gone after this and he will always be questioning you, where you are, what your motives are, if you are telling the truth ect. I have been through this myself, although it was with a female, and we never recovered. My parents were swingers and they had zero trust with each other and were at war all the time because of their sexcapades. You want interesting, be a voyeaur, that at minimal gives you the possibility of getting caught, but doesn't risk your marriage.

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