A
female
age
30-35,
*ollercoasterride
writes:This is quite a long one and I apologise but I feel like giving the history is really important in this case.I've been with Roger* for nearly four years. We met online and were friends for three months before we became a couple, I guess we were just sounding each other out because neither of us knew whether meeting someone online would be creepy or wierd. When we met I was 16, and I guess you could say I was on my way off the rails, I was dating several people very casually and was also having one night stands, and a lot of my friends had shunned me because of the way I was acting.I guess in that sense, Roger was my saviour. He was two years older, and much wiser than any boy around that age I'd ever met, mainly due to him being the head of his family. When we first kissed he assumed we were completely committed. I, unfortunately, did not and about a month later I met with one of the guys I'd been dating for a long time, and although I told him things seemed serious with Roger, we ended up kissing. I knew it was wrong and Roger told me he loved me not long after, and I only got the courage to tell him about what happened about a month after that.Whilst all this was happening, about a week before I kissed my ex, Roger had seemed really off one day. So I'd asked him what was going on and he said he'd had a call off his ex (who he'd mentioned in passing before) and her period was late and thought she was pregnant, and he was really worried. I was obviously just like WTF! Has she done a test? 'no' well what are you even worried about? why's she even calling you? periods are late ALL THE TIME. As a man, he just didn't know this. So I told him not to be worried until she takes a test and that the call was clearly an attention thing so he probably had nothing to worry about anyway. About a week later, I asked him if he'd heard from her and he said yeh, she'd taken the test and wasn't pregnant. I found it wierd that he hadn't told me but left it at that.Occassionally, this girl, Lucy*, would call just for a chat. He'd tell me he'd told her he didn't want her to call anymore because he was with me now but whenever she called when I was around he just went along with the girl, and afterwards I'd say I thought you were trying to get her out of your life? And he'd say I do say that sometimes but I don't wanna be rude. Meanwhile, Roger is acting very posessive with me, because of how hurt he was that I'd cheated with my ex (that kiss). Being 16/17 and not being allowed to go out on the night with my friends and have a good time was really frustrating, I'd started a new 6th form and was finding it difficult fitting in because whenever I came out, he'd come with me. But we'd argue and he'd say I deserved it and how could he trust me since I cheated? Apart from his posessiveness and calls from Lucy, everything was great and when we werent arguing about 1 of those 2 things or both, we really had fun together. Phil was really romantic and when we finally started sleeping together a few months later we just couldn't keep our hands off each other!During the first year we both made our mistakes. If we had a major argument I might text my ex, Roger'd see the texts and I'd tell him when and why and what was said. Likewise, Lucy kept calling, and there were a few girls he'd had phases of talking to online, however with Roger, instead of telling me everything that had happened when he got found out, he'd lie even if it was really obvious (like saying he'd never spoken to this girl before that started texting him while we were together in my room, even tho she said 'you know it's me from ____' a place JUST round the corner from where he lived). He'd get angry and storm out of my house and drive home when I didn't believe him and then the problem would never be resolved. To this day he still claims he didnt know that girl but come on.. if a girl invents a random number to start texting, what are the chances she chooses a number right around the corner from where she lives, Im not stupid!One night Roger had stopped at mine after we'd been together over a year and been on 2 holidays together. I didn't trust him still because of all the lies like that one ^ and so I looked at his phone while he was asleep. Not only did he have a missed call from a 'lucy' but there was a picture of the girl next to her contact in his phonebook!! So, a little drunk and very shaken, I called up lucy..lucy was obviously woken up by my call and very pissed off about it. I told her who i was and asked if she was Roger's ex. Her reply was "Ex..? No, it's never been like that between me and Roger. But when I saw him the other day he told me about all the shit you'd done to him and he's ready to move on".Right ok... so lucy is just a friend. And Roger had met her behind my back. Was she saying that to hide the fact that Roger had been seeing his ex again? Or had he been making up an ex in order to compete with all the men in my life at the time we first met? I woke Roger up, very very angrily, screamed at him for lying, going behind my back, and making me feel inferior to some girl in his life that didn't even really exist (he would tell me she was really good looking and always had perfect hair and make up- like a trying to make me feel threatened), and told him to get out the house.Needless to say I called him up less than 2 days later, and we talked. Now get this. He says there are 2 lucys. One was his ex and one was a friend. I spoke to the friend, and the ex was the one with the pregnancy scandal. And he says he talked about them as if they were the same person so as not to CONFUSE me, he thought it was SIMPLER to pretend there was 1 lucy. Now that, is bull****. What a ridiculous excuse. Which lead and still does lead me to think that lucy was nothing more than a friend, and Roger made her out to be an ex so he seemed more in demand. To this day, he still claims there were 2 lucys.He also has terrible family problems. His little sister, who he used to basically wait on hand and foot, made up on Roger's 20th birthday that when they were children Roger would touch her. His SISTER. Now that really rocked me because Roger's always been close to her, even as teenagers she'd crawl under his duvet on a sunday morning so they could have their morning cigarette together. I thought it was wierd at the time, but she lies all the time to get her own way, steals from his nan's purse, you name it. She's a horrible person. So I chose not to believe her and to just think she was saying it to get sympathy and attention and out of jealousy and spite that Roger was the golden boy of the family since their dad dies a couple of years before I came on the scene. But a niggling part of me believes it because he still hasn't told the truth about the other lies. So how do I know when he is telling the truth?Anyway, today is her 19th birthday and he wanted to call her up and say happy birthday, despite never talking to her since she made that up over 2 years ago. And it just got me thinking.. despite everything being really great most of the time, little times like this really make me feel like he's being deceitful. So I asked him about the girl that text him from round the corner. He's still lying. I asked him whether he did cut ties with some girl on myspace that kept telling him he was hot (I know because I saw his inbox one day that he'd been replying). Still lying. I asked him if lucy was really only a friend. He's STILL lying. Right now he's downstairs and angry with me fornot believing him. I know none of these lies are break-up material but how can I ever know? Are we ever going to be able trust each other? I've lived with him for a year and half now and I still worry he's doing things while I'm at work or at uni.Another problem that I don't really know has anything to do with anything but on the side.. he doesn't like sex anymore. He put on a lot of weight since we got together and has much lower self esteem even though I try to make him feel sexy, it's difficult because he lacks confidence. I know he watches porn from time to time but I think that's only for relief and not because he prefers it to me. I'm 20 years old, I care about my appearance and other men find me attractive but he doesn't seem to anymore and it makes me feel so unsexy myself. I have to use toys to keep myself from being frustrated because my appetite has clearly become much bigger than his. Am I too young to be in this kind of relationship?I love him but I'm worried I'm wasting my youth on something that might not ever work out or even worse, he might be going behind my back all along, when all I want to do is have fun. Is any of this grounds to break up and does anyone have any suggestions of how to make him more sexually active/more honest and open?Thanks so much, any advice would be really appreciated x x x*Names have been changed
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at work, confidence, drunk, his ex, jealous, kissing, met online, move on, my ex, myspace, one night stand, period, porn, self esteem, she lies, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (13 July 2009):
 ok ok. let me get this straight you cheated and what you expected him to be ok with it and not hurt or looking over his shoulder about it im sorry but no. you need to take the punch on the chin on that one and now you think he has cheated when in reality 9/10 its paranoia from the one who cheated common fact deary. this all sounds like a person whos crazy. checking his phone checking his interent wtf ? breaking all of his privacy and what for ? your digging holes whether they are needed or not. let me say this clearly THEIR IS NO TRUST NO TRUST NO RELATIONSHIP. im suprised you havent ended this sooner your gonna drive yourselfs nuts. he lacks confidence so how does he have 40 women on the side ? and not to mention your try and make him feel sexy omg how the hell is that going to make up for you not trusting him or having any belief that he is faithful its like your slapping him and giving him a peck on the cheek! it doesnt work. i think the sooner you split up the better this must be like hell. either trust him and what happens happens or break up but this relationship is seriously not healthy at all.
but he doesn't seem to anymore and it makes me feel so unsexy myself. I have to use toys to keep myself from being frustrated because my appetite has clearly become much bigger than his. -- its all about you what do you think will happen when you keep branding him like a cheat of course he wont have any libdo for you he problay thinking i love this girl but she is hurting me soo much and for what?
I love him but I'm worried I'm wasting my youth on something that might not ever work out or even worse, he might be going behind my back all along, when all I want to do is have fun. Is any of this grounds to break up and does anyone have any suggestions of how to make him more sexually active/more honest and open? -- yet again all about you. i think you need to be single and get your priortys right i know your young but you havent got a nice past may i remind you but your jumping down his throat were their is no physical proof just things that dont add up. nothing is black and white all the time you cant just say hes lying or hes not their may be reasons for things but your so volitale that its hard to make out whos worse in this relationship. i know this may sound like im having a go and thats not the point of this. its to make you see how OMG this is THEIR IS NO TRUST and unless you can trust him with no buts ifs and whats then their really isnt any point he will either cheat or he wont and until he does their is nothing you can do. if he lacks confidence and has put weight on i doubt hes cheating. i think thats all in your mind from you cheating on him.
if you want to fix this then communication is the key and dont accuse him all the time ask in a light manner and dont get angry perhaps he will be more willing to open up but accusing him of cheating all the time is not the way to say hello in the morning.
i really wish you good luck with this please keep us updated good luck aphex
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