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We are having problems having sex and not sure why

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 August 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *roken_Crown writes:

My boyfriend and I have just started having sex and experiencing difficulties. We have both had partners in the past so were not new to this. We have been seeing each other for just over a month and have had sex four times now. First time we had sex we were both a bit drunk and just gave up after a while. Next time he went limp half way through and he said it was because he was hung over and couldn't focus. But it keeps happening neither of us able to come. He finds missionary sex strenuous and I find me on top sex a little embarrassing (I have a wrinkly belly as have had a child before) I try to keep my body covered so that its not all bouncing around uncontrollably infrot of him, although he says I look fine. I've asked him whether I am doing something not quite right or whether there is something he me to do. He doesn't go down on me but I go down on him and he gets hard again and up to ride him but then he goes limp after a little while. Although I him to go down on me I would nevr ask him as that puts pressure on someone - he may not want to, I do itnto him.because I want to he's never asked me to. When he is hard he's quite big and he hits my cervix which is a little.painful so I have to keep stopping. I am happy to just be with him but would like him to climax. I I am failing him. We discussed it as I thought it was me and he says he's not been with anyone for a long time and he's definitely enjoying it and he thought he would explode inside me (sorry cant think of any other way to put it) but instead he's going the other way. He says it will 'correct' itself eventually. I have suggested trying some stuff from Ann summers and he's ok with me doing that I don't know what to get was thinking massage stuff rather than toys. But if its not me thats the problem what could it be? Why cant h maintain an erection. When he that he's not been with anyone in a while I told him truthfully that i also haven't and that iv not had many partners (also true he's the third man I hav had sex with). I am head over heels for this man and I am happy being with him so not climaxing everytime is fine but id like him to/us to at least once. Any advice?

View related questions: cervix, drunk, erection, limp

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):


No massage,no toys.

No more "focus" on this. I had an issue like this-I still thank my lucky stars for a friend smarter than me.

1st time-I assumed the same as you. That it was me. 2nd time-I knew it wasn't me,but I did not know what it was.

Anyway, by insisting on "talking about it and finding a solution", I basically made the wrong move. "Finding a solution" puts the focus back on the problem, hence the man might worry more, hence it gets even more difficult to maintain erection next time.

I find is largely psychological, rather than physical.

Anyway that great advice from a good friend-" talk about something else. Like the latest movie you wanna see together or whatever happened earlier in the day or whathever. That way you make it seem like a non-event,not important. He relaxes, everything falls into place".

By talking about it, you make a "big" issue to be "solved". This increases stress and hence performance anxiety.

By making it a non-event, you hopefully will create a stress-free, loving and supportive environment. So shift the focus!

ps:I wish they thought us this at school...would never have thought to react like my friend-I was too worried to do so! But her relationship survived and mine didn't,so I do think her approach is more valid...

pps:ask for oral! If you don't ask, you

don't get...

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A female reader, Broken_Crown United Kingdom +, writes (29 August 2015):

Broken_Crown is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Broken_Crown agony auntThanks both. Yeah I think I tried to say this that I am happy t be with him rather than always acheive orgasm. I've not put any pressure on him in anyway. I can see that he is a bit disappointed when its all over and I don't make an issue of it. Its only been a month, I've known him a long time, but I think I am in love with this man a lot. I think he likes me a lot too I've never been kissed by anyone the way he kisses me. Sex doesn't come firstits love and trsut that does. I dont intend to go down the toys and porn route, a previous relationship was like that and it was an unhealthy violent one. I just thought maybe if we go down the massage, sensual route maybe it'll relax us both and we can enjoy it more regardless of outcome maybnwil will even reach climax. Thanks for your advice.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 August 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIt sounds like none of the positions worked. The first common assumption made by women is that they are not attractive enough, which is often far from the truth. I believe for sex to be good, both need to be physically fit. I rarely hear about men saying missionary is strenuous. Sometimes we click with certain people but not with others. I've had many partners in my life. People can say that they are nervous within the first month but in my experience, what you see now is what you get. Smokers have a harder problem staying hard than drinkers do. He also might have a fetish and can only orgasm when thinking about it, which he won't tell you until he feels secure with you. It's only been a month. The problem may or may not correct itself. Can you live without orgasms by him or seeing him orgasm without him masturbating? That's something for you to decide. I myself believe that true love comes before these things. I also think that if you have to do extra stuff such as toys, porn or an alternative sexual lifestyle that's strenuous for the mind as well. It should be a balance of what you are willing to put effort into and what comes natural to you.

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A male reader, IanHenryCooper United Kingdom +, writes (29 August 2015):

IanHenryCooper agony auntIs he a latent diabetic? That condition can affect a man's ability either to achieve or maintain an erection. His GP can check quickly and easily with a urine sample.

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