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I'm resenting my husband's decision. How do I get over it?

Tagged as: Dating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 August 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2015)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

How do I stop resenting my husband?

My husband was offered a job that would move us back to where my family are. His pay was increased by 6k but because of the tax rate we were only going to see a 1k increase a year. I wanted him to take it so I could move back to my family but he didn't think the pay was enough and turned it down. I made my feelings clear that I wanted to go back. We've lived here for 2 years and the plan was always to move back home. We have no family here at all. I feel like I'm missing out on my families lives. I miss holidays, birthdays, school events. I don't understand how he could turn it down. I'm very depressed knowing I could have been moving back home in two weeks and instead we're just waiting for the next offer which may or may not come. How do I get over the resent I feel towards my husband over his decision?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

I don't think there's "bigger say"; I think you either agree or disagree. If you disagree, there's hopefully (but not always) an opportunity to compromise. In this case, there wasn't. You're not happy where you are and he wouldn't be happy had you moved.

I don't blame you for being upset, but there are plenty of ways to keep in close contact with family (Skype, letters, emails, phone calls, texts, etc.), a job is a daily lifestyle thing. Maybe try to visit your family more often and tell him that you need that compromise.

I'd probably be very disappointed, but I made the choice to move with my husband and you can't just move anywhere (that isn't local) without the best circumstances possible.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

YouWish agony auntI may have a different opinion about this issue, but unless the decision was TO relocate across state and it would have impacted a spouse's career, I think the ultimate decision should rest with the person who actually HAS the job. There are two votes, and if there's disagreement,

I think the tiebreaking decision in a stalemate should go to the one who has the job, unless it affects the spouse's job, like a sudden move across country which would cause the spouse to be forced to ditch a career or severely hamstring it.

The guy did discuss it with his wife, and she wanted him to take it in order to move closer to home, but why does the outcome of the discussion HAVE to end with his doing what she wanted?? He has to live with this job.

It could have been a bad move for him, and it could turn out that in a year's time, a better opportunity would come up to have them both move back under better circumstances. If they own a house, it costs a LOT of money to buy and sell a house and move, so an extremely small pay raise like $1,000/year net may not be doable.

OP - why did you move away from your family to begin with?? I know you want to get home, but it's better to do it the right way. I moved around all my life and know how you feel, but unless he makes this a pattern and turns down ALL jobs near your home (and especially if he takes one farther away), trust him on this one.

In the meantime, make more trips to see your family. Visit them quarterly if you can. You're also much better off then I was, living off of letters you snail mail, no cell phones, no email, no nothing except 25 cents per minute long distance. You can Facetime and skype to your heart's content now, something I would have killed for wen I was moving all over the country.

For two homebodies who came together with long distance families, one side's not going to be as happy. In my circumstance, I'm the one with the out-of-state family and my husband's family lives in the state I reside in. If it gets bad, I make plans, take some time off, and go see them. That's the hard part about long distance relationships coming together. Unless both sides live apart from relatives, one side's going to have to book lots of plane tickets or buy lots of gasoline and hotel rooms. It's tough, but this day and age is a lot easier than in olden times when the kids left the nest and didn't see their family for 10 years.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

Do 't think these women get that if you have thebjob you have the power and rightly so! Tough luck! At least he's still moving in with you

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

He shouldn't have made a major decision like that without getting your input. Some men (gay or straight) just don't seem to understand that when you take on a wife, or husband; the decisions you make require your spouse's consideration and vote. He is apparently in the mindset that it's his job; so it's his decision. NO! That isn't the case at all. Case in point, it is affecting his marriage, and your happiness. It's not all measured in dollars and cents alone. There are other benefits to be considered.

The fact he made this decision without consulting with you indicates there is a serious crack in your marriage to start with. He doesn't respect nor honor your opinion. To isolate you from your family in some sense gives him a lot of control. To move closer, lessons his control and gives you options.

You made your feelings known, but it was of no consequence to him. Well, that says a lot about your marriage. Doesn't it?

The way I see it. You may just find yourself moving back to your family. Possibly without him. I surely hope he realizes the impact this is having on you and his marriage.

I do assume you both have full-time jobs.

If you're not working; perhaps it was a judgement call. Even if that is the case; he had no right to circumvent your right to be included in financial matters, and quality of life decisions.

When a spouse makes such serious decisions without your consent, that is serious grounds for divorce. However; you can't go threatening divorce every-time you have an impasse in your marriage. You sometimes have to put your foot down and hold your position. Half of what's his, is yours!

What you do have to do is make it well-known, and beyond any shadow of a doubt; that if he makes but one more decision of such a magnitude, and does not come to you first. He will make all his future decision minus half what he owns, and without you. Mean it, if you say it. He's got humongous balls and a lot of nerve.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntUrgh, been there done that. Hubby had a chance to move us all to the UK (and thus closer to my side of the family) but he was hoping for another spot. By the time I got him "convinced" (lol) to TRY and get the UK spot is was gone. And we had to stay put in a place I really didn't enjoy. FOR 9 years! Now I live in another place I had NO say in (to made sense due to HIM being closer to HIS side of the family, but still would have liked to have had a bigger say).

TALK to your husband. TELL him that you feel it needs to be a JOINT decision where you live, when to move. Tell him how you feel you have already missed a LOT back home and that you are still a bit perturbed that he made the decision without YOU.

Let it out by talking. After that you TWO work on making life good where you are at (not really much else to do).

Chin up.

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