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Is there ever a right time to give someone a piece of your mind?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 August 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 30 August 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Help. My friend who I thought was a friend was making a play for my man all along. We split up and he blocked me and then chose her instead of me, but mainly because she was stirring things up between us with lies and my ex chose to believe her over me (as things were probably going downhill between us anyway).

I really want to give this girl a piece of my mind. I have been going 'no contact' with her as she blocked me and then I blocked her. But she was so sly and calculating and caused trouble between me and my ex, that I really think she should be told and not just left to sail off into the horizon - with my man in tow!!

The thing is - is there ever a right time to confront someone and tell them a few home truths and when is it too late? If I say nothing she'll think she's won and worse still - my ex will still believe her lies...

View related questions: my ex, split up

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015):

Your ex will just think you're bitter and your relationship was going downhill anyway, hence the friend being able to mess with you.

Sometimes, yes, it can be a good thing to give a piece of your mind, but not when it's too late or unnecessary - here it's both. It won't gain you anything, just make you look silly because he isn't your man any more and things were fading with you anyway.

So what if she "won" him? Neither of you own him and you're best bet is to let go and move on.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 August 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt If you've got a bit of pride, it's never a good time. At least in a case like yours.

What would you accomplish with your home truths. Would she repent, apologize and give your ex back ? I doubt it.

All that could happen is that she could see that you are hurt, angry and a bit desperate, and that she really got your goat. Best case scenario, she would not give a flyng f..k about it, - worst case, she would actually rejoice in having being able to make you lose your cool to such extent, and she would laugh about it- with your ex. Mark my words, if this is not very recent, i.e. if it all went down a few months ago already - they'll find HUMOROUS that you are still so hung up over the past.

Plus, do not yield to the temptation of rewriting history. I do not doubt that this person may be a bad woman who took advantage of your trust to make passes at your bf and speed up the demise of your relationship. BUT : what about the bf ? what is he, severely mentally retarded and incapable of making his choices ? Is he an inanimate object, that people can " steal " him and take him against his will ??

You said that your relationship was going downhill anyway, so probably this woman was a catalyst for your break up, a push in that direction, but not the cause If had not been her, it would have been something else or someone else. Then, she may have been pursuing him and tryng her best to get him- STILL he LET her ! You can't steal one who does not want to be stolen, and you can't "catch " someone who does not want to be caught.

Finally , yes she might have told lies and stirred up trouble, but , as you say, he CHOSE to believe her over you. He chose to trust a new entry as opposed to you ,his ex, that he knew well and supposedly must have loved at some point- and that speaks volumes about the not-that-great opinion he must have about you !

Ultimately, for whatever reasons of his, right or wrong, he has chosen her, and there's no home truth that can change that.

I understand that hurt pride is bothering you , as it is natural in such a situation, because you feel like in the competition with this woman, she won and you lost. But ask yourself WHAT have you lost. A: man whom you would not even want back. A man that is very easily swayed by a bit of flirting, and who's dumb enough to be like wax in the hand of your manipulative rival. A man you weren't happy with anyway, a man who is uncompassionate and judgemental, a man who is disloyal and believes the first piece of... skirt who comes around ,over you.

Was he such a great prize ? ...So what ,even if you had lost ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

OP here. Thanks for the answers guys. For the people who say write down your thoughts & then discard it - or burn it ha!! Why not just send it?

Why write it out & not act on it?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 August 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe best way to "give (someone) a piece of your mind..." is to sit down with pen and paper..... WRITE OUT that "piece of your mind..".... no holds barred.... tell them what an a$$hole they are.... how offended you are that they wronged you in such an egregious manner.... how they have B.O., and NO MANNERS... how they are stupid and will NEVER make a success of their lives... AND, that you won't feel sorry for them, even if you learn that the remainder of their life is miserable.

THEN, read what you've written.... more than once, if you wish. THEN, fold up that note and put it in your desk drawer. The next morning... remove that note from your desk drawer and discard it (burning is optional)....

Case closed....

Good luck....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

you could say i'm too good for you, with your devious planning and excusing and lately you are using someone i used to know quite well, but now i hear shes been accussing me of things i didnt do; so now i gotta say to you that i'm too good for you..because:

i'll never ever ever be at your beck and call again and i'll never ever ever fall for you again..

i wont be part of your expedient plan,because from now on i'll be looking for a real man,not one that lies and cheats, not one that says i'm sweet ,when he wants what he's already had two hours before while i working..iguess that kind of makes you a man whore,but even if i chose to ignore that side of you and the fake love life of a cheating lying snipe,then all your faults stack up like a pile against my door,it'd take more than a four by fourto break down the wall thats built between us

..cos im too good for you..etc

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

well i do think a good rant in a well perfected rap is perfect but if rhyming words dont let you blast it on the airways then i would steer clear of them both because they are Trouble.

They made their own little fire and they probably would like you to come and add some drama but why should you give them the pleasure of it because they will get tongues wagging and people taking sides all over again. Try to look at it like this ..they have provoked their own destiny.

You have folk and family members who did not like what they saw and they were determined that all that was going on would come to light so that you could redirect your energies more usefully and less wastefully other than on these two .

So you see you have been saved, thankgoodness, and they have been exposed for who they are and thankfully you have got your freedom and have been able to move onwards and away from them.

Personally i dont mind if you say it all here on cupids line but i dont know if others would agree.

I think W.O. said it well, but you may have a universal rant thats worth a million tucked away in your head.

But dont give them the benefit of any one toone discussion because it will translate like this: his mate will ask after you and he will make a big drama about you being unable to accept things and how much you've lost your marbles and had a go at your replacement,or second if you like, and he is so calculating that he will use his very reasonable voice to spread further very unreasonable remarks about you.

Ditto she will try the same but in a more Oh myGod she just came at me just drop them out because the crunch line is that there were probably others as well and there definately will be others in the future where hes concerned and she will carry on trying to be faithful in order to live up to your magnificent memory.

Meanwhile you will fly like a bird to wherever you want to go in life.

Maybe your debut rap should be about how happy you are to be free and how he'll never meet anyone else with your qualities of truthful honesty even if he meets a nun with a history of celibacy.

And call it "I'm too good for you!"

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (29 August 2015):

MSA agony auntSomething similar happened to me two years ago.

Me, Her, and Him were friends. It was clear he was interested in me even though she was always trying to get his attention. He even told her to her face that he wasn't interested in her. She became competitive and even got his male friend to help her talk bad about me. Eventually he believed all the lies. Kicked me out of his life. I was upset; I thought it was so unfair. How can she do all that and get away with it?

It was then that I met my current boyfriend. He stayed with me through all the bad times. He comforted me and was there to hear me vent and vent and vent. She even tried to get my current boyfriend to go against me. He didn't listen to her, he stayed by my side. That was when I knew he was a keeper.

We started dating. She heard about it and told my ex.. trying to stir up more drama. My ex pretended to be all into her and they flirted in front of us. I didn't care anymore, I had moved on.

I found someone better and worth being with. I found someone who stayed by my side through thick and thin. I was happy. We were happy as a couple and every one can see it. It was real happiness. Soon, my ex stopped using the girl to try to get me mad.

They were both bitter that I found happiness.. and for me, that was the best thing I did for myself and best way to get back at her.

You can too... move on with your life. Be happy with your friends and new man.. that is the only and best way to get back at her.

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (29 August 2015):

Intrigued3000 agony auntGo for it sweetheart. Tell that B&*^% off. It feels good to blow your top once in a while, and in this situation, you have a damn right to tell her off, using any and all profanity you wish to express. Get it out of your system, and then purge them from your life once and for all. Karma will take care of things for you. They will get what's coming to them, but if it will help you to heal and move on with your life, call her every name in the book and then some! Give yourself permission to be angry with her.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

I've seen this story and scenario so many times it's like watching old re-runs on TV.

Time and time again, and I will continue to warn women. Keep your friends out of your relationships!!! Do not discuss intimate details of your problems regarding your man with your best friend. Seeking advice and support in abusive situations is one thing; but just general couple's problems should be kept private. That is part of what intimacy is about. Your passions and your issues in your love-life. You go to counseling. That's more productive. Ask your mother or father. That's what they're there for. If you don't want mama's advice, too bad. She could have saved you a truckload of heartache. She's still a shoulder to cry on.

Support-systems are not where you go to air your dirty laundry. They are where you go for moral-support, encouragement, and advice on how to rebuild your strength. Don't use your friends to turn on your mate. Badmouthing him behind his back. It backfires. That's what cats are for. They listen and won't utter a word to a soul. They'll look at you like you're a fool; but they stay silent about your business. Not dogs. They'll wag their tails and lick anyone who hands them a treat. The ultimate in betrayal.

What's shared only between a couple,stays between them. Disagreements and all. If he hits you, verbally-abuses you, tell everybody! That's not to be kept secret! Tell the world!

You have no right to give her a piece of your mind. Your no-count two-timing man made a choice; and it was based on his own desires. His dick! He isn't worth having anyway, if he's the kind that will dump you for your friend. He's scum. You're beneath your dignity fighting over him. He dumped you! So let her have him. Be the better woman, and let her have your sloppy leftovers. He's what's left on the plate after you've had your feast. She gets the scraps. If she feels she's better for him; wish them well. Move the hell on!

He's a teardrop in an ocean of men. Go find another one.

A better one. Not until you've become a better woman.

Go work on yourself. You're a hot mess. Wanting to tell somebody off for stealing a man who isn't worth a sh*t anyway. Messing around with your best friend. As my niece would say. "EEEWWWW!!!"

You will only cause an unnecessary scene. He's an adult and he made a decision. Even telling him off is useless now.

I speculate that you intimated a lot of personal information and over-shared. That gave her the tools and ammunition she needed to plot the strategy to break your already failing relationship apart. We don't get his side of the story; so we don't know what part you played in destroying your own relationship. Every OP isn't an innocent victim. You know you! You know what you did!

She thinks she's better for him? She's a conniving back-stabbing opportunistic bitch; but she already knows that. Your telling her so isn't going to undo the the reality of things as they are now. Your relationship was failing anyway. Now it is a full-fledged failure. Push down on the handle and let it flush; and go where crap is supposed to go.

When I said failure, I meant the relationship. Not you.

You've closed a chapter. Now you can go start a whole new story if you like. Minus two old characters in your old story. Get-over it, girlfriend!

I know it hurts, sweetheart! It only makes you stronger!

To not see you go to pieces will shock them both!

He's been messing around with her anyway, and you're really angry at yourself. To be honest. You feel stupid and betrayed. Like your ass is hanging out, and everyone can see it. Not really. It's normal to feel that way. Betrayal makes you feel stripped naked in the street. But you're not!

You were giving her all your business, and she turned it all against you. Even when you were up to no good yourself, he got the inside goods on you. She told him everything you said and did. She added some embellishments for the sake of drama. Well, end this drama. Turn your back and git!!!

Look for a place to live far away from this tragedy. Go build yourself a new life. Don't go fighting over someone who left you of his own free will; and mainly because he didn't want to be with you anymore anyway. Don't blame it all on her. Go look at the mirror and tell yourself to behave like a dignified and respectable woman. She wasn't a friend. She was a parasite.

Don't belittle yourself or your character, by being crass and angry. Start your healing, use the anger to detach and break-free. I've said my piece, and that's my advice.

Honeypie covered everything else.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntNever.

There is really never a good time for this. SHE knows what she did was shitty, she is fully AWARE of what she did, and your BF? Well, she did you a favor... SERIOUSLY, if he rather believe HER (who was a friend of his GF) over his GF then he isn't worth a pot to pee in.

Those two deserve each other, the liar and the cheat. They are going to have trouble with trust from day one.

She really didn't "win" anything. She made a calculated scheme to rope in someone else BF. But she did it with lies and deceit. SOONER or later it will come out.

WASH your hands of both of them. Continue your life, and lead a great one. Who knows you might e en find a guy who is a decent one, the ex of yours certainly wasn't.

You tell her some "home truth" and even telling the ex some will do NOTHING but make you look desperate and bitter. Even if all you do is tell the truth. YOU are old enough to know that you can't change people.

Neither your ex NOR her have a whole lot of integrity. You can't change that. They won't FEEL bad for what they did either.

Don't WASTE your time on people who are CLEARLY not worth it.

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